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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 19, 2019 21:29:43 GMT
As you probably read in diff threads, I'm in what seems like the 3rd cycle of my ex pulling away w/out warning when he had been showing me alot of attention and affection...then poof.
Now, I met his twin brother randomly and we've been talking. His twin is married w/ 2 kids, has a business, a house, etc.... and my ex lives with his mother, was in a bad car accident that left him laid off for months, lost his business years ago, plus has a failed marriage. My ex won't talk to his brother. He has tried to talk to him, nothing bad happened.
But my question is, do Fearful avoidants also do this in other areas of their lives like family relationships? I know stories of course and experience of romantic.
He and I literally are feeling the same thing - why cut someone off completely when we did nothing of harm? Guess we're in the same exact boat after all.
I also have not reached out to him and am just giving him space. I also decided to stay off social media too to give him that sense that I am really not in his life anymore as it seems that's what he wants.
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Post by stu on Sept 19, 2019 22:02:20 GMT
Yes they can, and honestly I'd just stat away from it. If he isn't actively getting therapy and working on himself. You are just going to put yourself through the ringer by continuing to invest in them and getting attached.
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2019 5:06:02 GMT
Yes absolutely, my ex avoided family for years at times, and he has the same FA attachment style with close friends as well. He puts everyone he likes on the back foot slightly, by showering them with attention then distancing and eventually returning. He inspires almost semi worship in the creative community we're both involved in; musicians tend to be vulnerable people with a lot of abandonment issues and he pushes buttons and confuses a lot of good people, making them feel they aren't good enough.
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Post by stu on Sept 20, 2019 5:17:18 GMT
Yes absolutely, my ex avoided family for years at times, and he has the same FA attachment style with close friends as well. He puts everyone he likes on the back foot slightly, by showering them with attention then distancing and eventually returning. He inspires almost semi worship in the creative community we're both involved in; musicians tend to be vulnerable people with a lot of abandonment issues and he pushes buttons and confuses a lot of good people, making them feel they aren't good enough. Wow that's exactly like the FA I was seeing recently, except her siblings treat her terribly so she doesn't talk to them for that reason. But with friends she will give them a ton of attention and hang out with them a lot. And then randomly pull away until she feels less of whatever she is feeling to dissappear for some time. And then comes back to them again as normal. She oftenly rotates between different sets of friends like that too. But never consistently hanging out with the same particular people for too long of a time period stretches. Some of them get upset by it. And others are more social friends so don't really notice as much. I think it has to do with self preservation avoiding rejection, abandonment, and whatever other negative feelings or outcomes can happen when you are close with people who can hurt you. I have had many"friends" in the past year do some seriously messed up, or just plain hurtful stuff to me, sometimes deliberately. But that always says more about them then me. It still sucks to be so nice to people and then have them turn around and do disrespectful things to you. But it doesn't affect how I feel about myself like it would if I had a really negative self view. I can kind of understand a lot of the reasons an FA does what they do, because getting hurt and rejected, having people you care about leave you, and all the rest sucks, and makes you feel like shit. But rather then take risks and just deal with whatever happens as best they can, they just avoid getting too attached or connected in the first place. Also to have better control of their own inner stormy emotions and triggers. But that's where self work/therapy, building some solid self esteem and stronger boundaries come in. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2019 5:43:26 GMT
Yes that is so very true in my experiences as well Stu. Over the last year especially, I've struggled with trying to decide what kind boundaries can you incrementally assert with these people? They so easily walk, and the `go to therapy' one seems to be a relationship killer. I guess because in the end, its much easier to replace you or go it alone than to deal with real painful stuff they don't think they can change? I think unless you have actual resources they think they want or need, or you're powerful in some other kind of way, its hard to get them to budge in the direction of self improvement. Your best bet is going to be when they wish to return to you. But I've never felt much desperation from my guy at those times either; his deactivations seem to make him more stronger willed, as they do me. For me, ending things before anymore cycles occur at least means we have the option for friendship. I can only imagine how bitter relationships like this get after many cycles of disappointment and grief  |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 20, 2019 6:29:43 GMT
All that really matters here is if someone has a pattern of cycling hot-cold or having blowouts with people they're close to, they'll eventually do it to you. If he can cut out his brother forever, and you really believe his brother seems emotionally stable and reasonable (as insecure attachment develops from somewhere so tends to run in families and siblings who experienced similar childhoods), then do you really think you're going to be an exception and he'll stop doing the same to you? What's so compelling that you're willing to compromise yourself to find out?
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 20, 2019 7:14:07 GMT
He should push his mom away but doesn't, she toxic to him. He pulls the same FA behaviors with his friends, hes an all around avoider.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2019 8:32:19 GMT
But my question is, do Fearful avoidants also do this in other areas of their lives like family relationships? I know stories of course and experience of romantic. He and I literally are feeling the same thing - why cut someone off completely when we did nothing of harm? Guess we're in the same exact boat after all. Duh! Where does attachment style form in the first place? You don't have the whole picture, so what his brother seems to be a stable man? Do you know how he relates to him? Were they treated equal? Did he feel they treated him equal? How the family dynamic looked like? Were family bonds cultivated? Can he be depressed and isolating himself? I'm FA not only in romantic relationships, it's in everything I do and it doesn't have to be related to fear of rejection, or to people etc. Those are patterns and coping mechanism I learnt in childhood. It could be for example the inability to regulate myself, my emotions, to know what I want and what I need, to know how to ask for something, that I can ask for something. I withdraw/dissociate to soothe myself. I can't be consistent, I get overwhelmed very easily. Staying committed to anything is difficult. The cycles are present in everything I do, basically. |
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Post by kranichangel on Sept 20, 2019 16:13:52 GMT
As you probably read in diff threads, I'm in what seems like the 3rd cycle of my ex pulling away w/out warning when he had been showing me alot of attention and affection...then poof. Now, I met his twin brother randomly and we've been talking. His twin is married w/ 2 kids, has a business, a house, etc.... and my ex lives with his mother, was in a bad car accident that left him laid off for months, lost his business years ago, plus has a failed marriage. My ex won't talk to his brother. He has tried to talk to him, nothing bad happened. But my question is, do Fearful avoidants also do this in other areas of their lives like family relationships? I know stories of course and experience of romantic. He and I literally are feeling the same thing - why cut someone off completely when we did nothing of harm? Guess we're in the same exact boat after all. I also have not reached out to him and am just giving him space. I also decided to stay off social media too to give him that sense that I am really not in his life anymore as it seems that's what he wants. Having been in similar situations like this before (which I have not posted about on this board), and also having followed other people's experiences and stories on here, I really have to say (and not everyone may want to hear this or perhaps is ready to fully hear this, which is understandable): it truly seems we more anxiously attached people try so hard to figure out the avoidant, we try so hard to make sense of everything and we try to kind of analyse the situation, their past, their possible traumas, family dynamics and whatnot - BUT in the end, this in itself to me is an avoidant strategy (kinda funny actually isn't it?) - avoiding dealing with ones very own and very real pain, perhaps disappointment, and facing the reality of what it means that the relationship does not seem to provide us with what we want and need from it. We try to avoid facing this simple truth in the hopes, that somehow by focussing more on the avoidant partner, we may be able to make sense of it and possibly fix things. My observation may be off, but I just feel i need to say this, because I have experienced it myself for several years, and have read it so many times over and over again in this forum. The patterns seem to be very similar in these dynamics between an anxiously attached individual and an avoidant one. Also, this sentence kind of stood out to me: why cut someone off completely when we did nothing of harm? I think you need to understand, that this is not about you. His attachment wounds have nothing to do with you, and so you cannot rationalise his actions. Also, we all have different traumas and default patterns - what to you may seem like real closeness, honest and open "being togetherness", nurturing and nourishing, may to him feel completely different! I had many moments where I thought what I shared with a certain individual was "true intimacy" and real closeness, only to find out later, that to the other person, it was not all that deep actually. Enjoyable, yes, but perhaps not as deep as it felt to me. And he was completely fine without it! So, I really really think it is so important to focus on OURSELVES here. And perhaps, this is the part where us anxious tend to actually be kinda avoidant - we try to avoid being "alone" with our feelings, our sadness, anger, disappointment and to truly sit with them and not reach for the other person or some "sign" that can show us the other person still loves and cares about us. We really need to learn to soothe ourselves. Lastly, this: I also decided to stay off social media too to give him that sense that I am really not in his life anymore as it seems that's what he wants.
Again, staying off social media should e about YOU, not him. It should be about helping you to move on, focus on yourself and not obsess about what he is doing etc. So, doing it to possibly invoke a certain reaction or feeling inside of him, is not going to truly help you as it again focusses on him and on what you perceive his needs and wants MAY be in this situation, instead of doing it because it helps YOU to feel better. Whatever he may or may not be doing, thinking or feeling is all speculation, and unless he chooses for himself that he wants to work on his issues and get professional help, I would leave him be and focus on you. Because it is not your job nor is it fun, to figure him out and I think it also is not fun to be on the receiving end of such a dynamic? |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 22, 2019 5:45:00 GMT
I once asked a very FA ex what he wished people knew about the times when he won't talk to us. He sometimes won't even talk to his mom. He said he wished people understood that it was nothing to do with them, that it was just about him.
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Post by mrob on Sept 22, 2019 6:34:20 GMT
I once asked a very FA ex what he wished people knew about the times when he won't talk to us. He sometimes won't even talk to his mom. He said he wished people understood that it was nothing to do with them, that it was just about him. The other thing is that I am a sovereign individual with a right to run my life as I see fit. I have the right to be wrong and to screw up as well as be all the good. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 22, 2019 6:52:30 GMT
I once asked a very FA ex what he wished people knew about the times when he won't talk to us. He sometimes won't even talk to his mom. He said he wished people understood that it was nothing to do with them, that it was just about him. The other thing is that I am a sovereign individual with a right to run my life as I see fit. I have the right to be wrong and to screw up as well as be all the good. I think I've been feeling that one a lot lately, it feels like some people in my life expect me to please them and aren't thinking about my needs at all. Maybe because in the past I have put everyone else's needs first. I simply can't please everyone in my life because they want conflicting things, and it also feels like they expect me to be perfect. I had to choose to put myself first. Is that kind of what you mean? |
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Post by mrob on Sept 23, 2019 0:20:45 GMT
That’s what I mean, yes. All these demands and I just become a nothing, running around like a headless chook. Then, people get angry when I stop because I can’t cope.
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Post by stu on Sept 23, 2019 1:38:04 GMT
That’s what I mean, yes. All these demands and I just become a nothing, running around like a headless chook. Then, people get angry when I stop because I can’t cope. How are you doing these days now that you have an awareness of what's going on and are actively working on yourself? |
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Post by mrob on Sept 23, 2019 3:08:57 GMT
I’m a lot better. I can feel the internal signs coming on quicker and spot them for what they are - my attachment style arcing up. Sometimes, I can even express them better, lol. I can also spot other people’s stuff better and it’s amazing.... people really do act consistent with their attachment styles.
Having said that, sometimes I can't cope at all, and feel like I was holding the door open when people were learning about personal interaction. I cover it well, and work in a very people oriented industry, so it's only those closest that are subjected to this.
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