Can FA's also push their family members away

Okay I understand what you are saying now

Yeah Stu, idk. I'd say my mother is NPD, though my siblings who have have had mental health support say psychopathy. Her attachment style is FA though.

I think my ex was on the spectrum of schizoidal, which is a little different.  Theres not the grandiosity or using people as NS. But attachment is so very hard to feel for schizoids.

The intuition in this case is the problem. My intuition would tell me that you just want me to behave in the way you want and I should fall in, and that I should leave before I end up trapped. This doesn't begin consciously. That's why what @sherry was doing with somatic (?) therapy was very interesting.


I've done both... I shoved it down, not understanding how on Earth I could be feeling like this. I went to therapy multiple times and got absolutely nowhere. I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, delusional, but eventually it caught up with me and I sabotaged my life, and changed that of those around me forever. This was over 9 years. Then, next time around, I let it all play out and it was a total nightmare. Went to therapy, still got nowhere, stumbled across this here and have made more progress here than in more than a decade. The "intuition" (note the inverted commas) is the problem. The love triggers are my problem - I still find sick people exciting. I hope one day it is different. My ex-wife could never understand why I didn't feel excitement, only trepidation... because anything I find exciting generally isn't good for me!


It's very interesting being in any type of relationship - work, social, intimate - being aware of attachment styles, and more importantly, the way I interact with them.

If it's at all helpful, I think this attraction stems from the anxious side. The most success I've had with addressing that piece has been learning to trust and accept myself and not needing that validation externally. I've found that the attraction to other insecures had just as much to do with feeling familiarity as it had to do with inspiring longing (and I know confusing love and longing is an AP thing so maybe this isn't as applicable). But the longing was more about, I didn't know generally what I wanted in life and didn't have a strong stance about myself and liked that avoidant people seemed more independent and decisive, or unpredictable people seemed more passionate at the beginning of the connection. So it was almost providing excitement and interest I didn't know how to provide for myself when my own sense of self was less stable and I lacked self-acceptance and trust.

I'm still attracted to it sometimes but I know where it goes if someone is unstable and now it feels exhausting to have to worry about someone who keeps one foot out the door and like I've outgrown it. But it was certainly a process to get to even that point.

Nothing says let’s work on a viable ltr like a ghosting.

I don't agree, but based on my personal experience which is a sample size of one. I've actually always had a secure attachment to both my parents (who also are secure with each other, even if not overall) and plenty of stable friendships. But I still basically only dated avoidants, because I still believed romantic love was limmerance ie when I was getting triggered and emotionally overwhelmed. The dysfunctional extended family examples weren't the only ones I had, but they took on an oversized quality.

Hehe I sometimes need to check myself on the `sample size of one' thing too,lol.

I feel you on confusing limerance, anxiety, and love. I expect most people do. Real love just takes a lot of time, more time than most people are willing to wait before becoming intimate.