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Post by alexandra on Oct 12, 2019 6:26:32 GMT
Depersonalizing something and saying "hey, it's not your fault I'm acting this way... in fact, it's my fault" is actually the opposite of no one being responsible for anything.
I find it much worse if someone unaware deflects by making up totally nonsensical reasons that don't remotely reflect reality to blame me for their own problems, as opposed to hearing it's nothing personal that they've got pre-existing issues (even if they're not dealing with them).
Both sides take shots and offence when anxious/avoidant disagreements take place around here. I don't know what else you expect from people who are aware but in-progress working on it. It's an internet forum where people are just trying to do their best to figure out what's going on and explain their experiences.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2019 7:05:27 GMT
Hehe  I sometimes need to check myself on the `sample size of one' thing too,lol. I feel you on confusing limerance, anxiety, and love. I expect most people do. Real love just takes a lot of time, more time than most people are willing to wait before becoming intimate. Limerance gets a bad rep. It is essentially the honeymoon phase, which is needed to bond. Without it, no one would put up with anyone. Plus it’s fun. Yes, you typically say you love the person in this stage, and that’s more of a euphoric feeling than love, but it is also where you start seriously considering the choice of staying with this person and being tolerant of their faults. With love being a choice, your choice is starting here. This sounds like a rationalization for an insecure (and immature) choice to "love" prematurely. You chose wrong, apparently, and you're responsible for that. Did you intend to harm yourself with this behavior? Or was it just ignorance and susceptibility to physiological processes? What can you learn from this? I'd be careful about your own approach to relationships, nobody came and kidnapped you. Railing against avoidants here won't change that and it won't bring her back. I'm well aware of the differences between me and your ex, and railing at me personally now that I've dropped in to comment on your bait, won't change the choices you made. But feel free, we're here for different purposes and I won't engage with you there. You've done a lot of protesting here. If you're hurting, say so. If you're angry, at how she reacted to you, how she treated you, say so. That will get her out of your head faster than all this resentment will, from what I understand. Maybe that would help. Maybe you're over the breakup, over your anxiety, and your sole purpose is actually to hang out on an internet forum grousing and making negative comments about your ex's attachment style. Totally permissible, and it only wastes as much time as you give it. If it helps, fire away and feel better. |
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Post by mrob on Oct 12, 2019 10:21:58 GMT
You’re absolutely right. No one is responsible for anything. That wasn’t what I said at all. Luckily, you’re entitled to your own opinion. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 12, 2019 13:11:20 GMT
Limerance gets a bad rep. It is essentially the honeymoon phase, which is needed to bond. Without it, no one would put up with anyone. Plus it’s fun. Yes, you typically say you love the person in this stage, and that’s more of a euphoric feeling than love, but it is also where you start seriously considering the choice of staying with this person and being tolerant of their faults. With love being a choice, your choice is starting here. This sounds like a rationalization for an insecure (and immature) choice to "love" prematurely. You chose wrong, apparently, and you're responsible for that. Did you intend to harm yourself with this behavior? Or was it just ignorance and susceptibility to physiological processes? What can you learn from this? I'd be careful about your own approach to relationships, nobody came and kidnapped you. Railing against avoidants here won't change that and it won't bring her back. I'm well aware of the differences between me and your ex, and railing at me personally now that I've dropped in to comment on your bait, won't change the choices you made. But feel free, we're here for different purposes and I won't engage with you there. You've done a lot of protesting here. If you're hurting, say so. If you're angry, at how she reacted to you, how she treated you, say so. That will get her out of your head faster than all this resentment will, from what I understand. Maybe that would help. Maybe you're over the breakup, over your anxiety, and your sole purpose is actually to hang out on an internet forum grousing and making negative comments about your ex's attachment style. Totally permissible, and it only wastes as much time as you give it. If it helps, fire away and feel better. I realize this is not stated towards me....but my therapist says I have the opposite problem in that I blame myself and rationalize the behavior of B...that I can start talking about things that were not right with how he treated me..but that there is this tape running in the background that says...but “if you had just done this or done that he wouldn’t have treated you that way” or I go back to seeing his behaviors as “understandable”...which again, makes me the problem. So I have this image that if B finds the right girl...the one...he will be so different. I can picture all the aspects of his behavior that I saw glimpses of, being permanent, and all of the doubt driven or fear driven behaviors dissipating. And I can’t express proper anger....I cry and the I get angry at other drivers over silly things...,I basically judge other drivers because I have felt judged. Anyway....sorry to interrupt this thread. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 13, 2019 16:23:04 GMT
The number of cognitive distortions in that post is astounding.
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Post by anapol on Oct 14, 2019 17:57:42 GMT
The number of cognitive distortions in that post is astounding. I thought this was supposed to be a support forum. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 14, 2019 20:19:06 GMT
The number of cognitive distortions in that post is astounding. I thought this was supposed to be a support forum. Agreed: "This sounds like a rationalization for an insecure (and immature) choice to "love" prematurely." "Did you intend to harm yourself with this behavior? Or was it just ignorance and susceptibility to physiological processes?" "You've done a lot of protesting here" "your sole purpose is actually to hang out on an internet forum grousing and making negative comments" "it only wastes as much time as you give it" Keep up the good work. |
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I sometimes need to check myself on the `sample size of one' thing too,lol. 
