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Post by serenity on Sept 26, 2019 6:50:48 GMT
Wow amazing work dhali, cleanly walking away in spite of the obvious pain you were in. That takes so much strength and composure if you are not a DA or FA in deactivation.
If it counts for anything, anyone whose done that to me, where I stuck around to find out `what happened?' , was either malicious, or had a fairly serious mental health issue going on.
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 0:47:07 GMT
I’ll tell you what, I think what triggered me so anxious on this one was the contempt. She said I made her skin crawl. Keep in mind, this comes out of nowhere. Anyhow, it’s such an abusive thing to say, and not something I deserved.
I don’t think I would have realized that connection had I not posted in here. For context, I grew up with a narcissistic father, and was the family scapegoat. I’ve done a ton of personal work just to earn secure to begin with, without this sort of jolt to the system. My anxiety makes more sense now.
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Post by serenity on Sept 27, 2019 1:22:23 GMT
Wait, so your love bombing girlfriend comes out with a toxic comment like that out of nowhere? I would read that as gaslighting (considering the months of lovey stuff beforehand), and I don't blame you for feeling comtempt.. its very much like narc abuse (and could well have been).
I think you dodged a bullet.
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 1:56:18 GMT
Yes, I agree. It was based on a comment I had made 2 months prior. So apparently there was at least 2 months of silent judging.
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Post by stu on Sept 27, 2019 2:15:31 GMT
Yes, I agree. It was based on a comment I had made 2 months prior. So apparently there was at least 2 months of silent judging. That's a bit ridicolous maybe she had a de activation where she felt the need to express her reasons for suddenly shutting off. I think a lot of times with someone unaware they tend to blame other people for the sudden shift of feelings. It makes sense that they jump to that first, because it's much harder to admit about all that is going on with them is strictly an internal thing. Even in regular relationships people say things they don't mean or place blame and say rude things after or during that whole break up period too. So it's also a very human thing that happens when people are processing a lot of negative emotions and then projecting it. Either way it sounds like you are much better off then being treated like that anyways. |
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 2:23:22 GMT
I could go through the whole story, but would rather not. The comment I had made 2 months prior was a callous one (as humans do), and is not an accurate reflection of my attitude on a certain topic. It was not brought to my attention. 2 months later I said a comment deemed similar enough (it was benign), which seemed to trigger her. In retrospect she had already been disengaging, and latched onto this as her opportunity to make her stand and use my second comment as a reason to breakup. I called bullshit on it. Because it was. I was seriously confused. This is much more, but this is the gist. The story gets crazier. But I’ll leave it here.
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 27, 2019 2:37:05 GMT
I'll add, I test 60+ secure, a chunk of DA and under 5 % for anxious and my FA made me feel like an anxious loon. Avoidants can trigger the most secure people.
Some of these darn triggers are just human not all attachment. Even secures feel a punch in the gut from stonewalling, silent treatments, ghosting, etc. dont think youre just 'insecure' because you felt it. We are human beings not an attachment.
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Post by stu on Sept 27, 2019 3:36:56 GMT
I could go through the whole story, but would rather not. The comment I had made 2 months prior was a callous one (as humans do), and is not an accurate reflection of my attitude on a certain topic. It was not brought to my attention. 2 months later I said a comment deemed similar enough (it was benign), which seemed to trigger her. In retrospect she had already been disengaging, and latched onto this as her opportunity to make her stand and use my second comment as a reason to breakup. I called bullshit on it. Because it was. I was seriously confused. This is much more, but this is the gist. The story gets crazier. But I’ll leave it here. Totally understand and sorry for asking! I can relate in a partial way, at the end of August, I said something that came across wrong and was not a reflection of how I felt etc. It took me a minute to put it all together then wasn’t sure if it’d make it worse to bring up cause he is sensitive on the subject. I was ignored for 2 weeks. Then I apologized and he responded but very short. I think he’s still upset and I don’t know if he’ll ever get over it because I think it triggered a lot and broke trust. It’s a long story but I guess my point is that we all say things we don’t mean from time to time and/or that come across wrong. It’s human nature, and it’s so frustrating to have it held against you without knowing for weeks/months/etc. Exactly, human nature to say the wrong thing sometimes or something you don't really mean. But what is where things become dsyregulated is having it held against you, and not being able to let it go. That's on the other person and not healthy. |
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 9:55:23 GMT
What I think it was, was- she didn’t want to confront me at the time. Because, well, potential conflict. So it sat there. And her radar was up. And she was deactivating anyhow, so anything that came within a metric mile of the comment was good enough to bail. When I called bs, then the original comment gets brought out as further justification, including repulsion. That’s how I read it.
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Post by mrob on Sept 27, 2019 16:13:26 GMT
This has happened with me. I was in a spell of deactivation while married. My wife at the time touched me and I pulled away in reflex. A part of her died that day. So, I may not have said anything, and I wouldn’t in a million years, the unfiltered rejection was enough. It’s all good to scream abuse, but this stems from subconscious. I knew what was going on inside me was stupid and made no sense at all, and I thought I was going insane, hence the therapy. That’s why I was stuffing it down and looking at the good things.
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 16:53:12 GMT
Scream abuse. Haha. That’s rich. Great perspective!
No doubt she’d see it the same way.
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Post by mrob on Sept 27, 2019 17:08:41 GMT
...and what would you have had me do?
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 18:10:07 GMT
...and what would you have had me do? What does this have to do with telling a person you make their skin crawl? What would I have my ex do after that? Nothing. It’s abuse whether you want to belittle that or not. Your talking about it in the same sense people talk about the frustration of the politically correct world they have to plug into. Abuse is abuse. You don’t get to redefine it as you see fit. What you did is not even comparable. People are allowed to have boundaries on their bodies whenever they want. That’s not even close to what was being discussed. If you told your ex it’s because she turns your stomach, then let’s chat. But outside of that, you’re allowed to not be touched if you don’t want to be touched, and that’s NOT abuse. |
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 18:18:54 GMT
I’m also sad that you can’t see what is and isn’t abuse.
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 20:19:49 GMT
As for what you should have done, crazy idea here, but how about have an adult conversation about why you don’t want your body touched right then
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