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Post by mrob on Sept 28, 2019 1:11:37 GMT
There is a drought of avoidants here at the moment. I’m trying to convey what happens during a deactivation. Telling my wife I don’t want her touching me, which is what I effectively did by reflex, gives off the same awful ”you make my skin crawl” message. In deactivation, I was resentful, and knew I had to get myself back to a reasonable state. I’m saying this with the knowledge and experience of now. I just thought I was being crazy and stupid then.
I think the use of the term abusive, used in this situation, is subjective. Feel sorry for me as you will.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 28, 2019 2:09:37 GMT
There is a drought of avoidants here at the moment. I’m trying to convey what happens during a deactivation. Telling my wife I don’t want her touching me, which is what I effectively did by reflex, gives off the same awful ”you make my skin crawl” message. In deactivation, I was resentful, and knew I had to get myself back to a reasonable state. I’m saying this with the knowledge and experience of now. I just thought I was being crazy and stupid then. I think the use of the term abusive, used in this situation, is subjective. Feel sorry for me as you will. B did that once....he came home from playing softball and was very sore but instead of saying that, when I went to hug him he said....we don’t have to be touchy all the time. I was hurt and confused because that was the first time in many months of dating that he expressed that. Normally he was all in for cuddles, hugs and kisses. I really wish he had said he was sore...I would have understood that....it was as if he thought I should know he did not want to be touched without saying anything. I ended up apologizing the next day....still confused about what had happened. It was only long after he broke up with me that he revealed he had been sore that night. |
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Post by stu on Sept 28, 2019 2:27:26 GMT
There is a drought of avoidants here at the moment. I’m trying to convey what happens during a deactivation. Telling my wife I don’t want her touching me, which is what I effectively did by reflex, gives off the same awful ”you make my skin crawl” message. In deactivation, I was resentful, and knew I had to get myself back to a reasonable state. I’m saying this with the knowledge and experience of now. I just thought I was being crazy and stupid then. I think the use of the term abusive, used in this situation, is subjective. Feel sorry for me as you will. So underneath the revulsion was built up resentment? Is that a lot of times what happens with a de activation? I'm still trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that go behind it sometimes |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 28, 2019 12:49:45 GMT
There is a drought of avoidants here at the moment. I’m trying to convey what happens during a deactivation. Telling my wife I don’t want her touching me, which is what I effectively did by reflex, gives off the same awful ”you make my skin crawl” message. In deactivation, I was resentful, and knew I had to get myself back to a reasonable state. I’m saying this with the knowledge and experience of now. I just thought I was being crazy and stupid then. I think the use of the term abusive, used in this situation, is subjective. Feel sorry for me as you will. I wonder if touch is seen as a boundary infringement....and the resentment/repulsion is simply an adapted way to express that. I know that B had a lot of issues with touch...stemming from his childhood. But I am now wondering if.....touch became a way to express overwhelm and resentment regarding other areas as well (where it did not feel safe to express a boundary infraction). I am not avoidant, but my brother is...and I can see how our mom made him feel overly responsible for women....in a very unhealthy way....so now my brother has moments when he resents the needs of someone he had a date with because he feels overly responsible for her needs but at the same time, her need conflicts with his. I really think it would be ideal for my brother to work through his resentment with our mom....I think he would be much happier....but I don’t think he truly connects the 2. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 28, 2019 20:46:26 GMT
My ex would build up resentments too. The only confirmation I got was after 11 months he cracked and verbally abused me, along with delivering a bunch of cruel personal attacks. Then he stonewalled me, so there was no way to address any of it.
I expect he never wanted his excessive negativity and resentment to be challenged.. because it served to justify his silent treatments, withdrawrals, and create inner emotional distance. All of which are an avoidants MO. As a partner, you don't know any of this is going on other than the body language and unexplained silences.
And meh. if someone I'm in love with hates me most of the time, then its not a safe relationship for me to be in.
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Post by stu on Sept 28, 2019 21:35:57 GMT
My ex would build up resentments too. The only confirmation I got was after 11 months he cracked and verbally abused me, along with delivering a bunch of cruel personal attacks. Then he stonewalled me, so there was no way to address any of it. I expect he never wanted his excessive negativity and resentment to be challenged.. because it served to justify his silent treatments, withdrawrals, and create inner emotional distance. All of which are an avoidants MO. As a partner, you don't know any of this is going on other than the body language and unexplained silences. And meh. if someone I'm in love with hates me most of the time, then its not a safe relationship for me to be in. That's awful and dehumanizing, sometimes I feel the stonewalling and silence might be a self defense thing, and not meant to be malicious but in that case it sounds like a real jerk move. I wonder myself now since it's been over six weeks since any kind of contact if someone can deactivate and decide never to want any kind of contact ever again. Because that's what it feels in my case now. Not that I should be fretting it or hung up on things. But it's still mind blowing that without any kind or issue I knowingly caused and with no explanation things just suddenly ripped away. And the few times I reached out not a sound back at all. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 28, 2019 22:14:04 GMT
Yes it can feel like both deactivation and punishment, at different times. From what you've told us about your girl, she doesn't sound that malicious. But its still hell rude to ghost and ignore you, and it conveniently allows her to do whatever she's doing now, without any honesty or closure for you.
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Post by stu on Sept 29, 2019 0:53:08 GMT
Yes it can feel like both deactivation and punishment, at different times. From what you've told us about your girl, she doesn't sound that malicious. But its still hell rude to ghost and ignore you, and it conveniently allows her to do whatever she's doing now, without any honesty or closure for you. Yeah which to me is confusing because I occilalte between feeling empathy for her and the challenges of de activation causing her to not be able to communicate. But then at the same time she's a 25 year old adult. And there are just basic things of respect everyone learns , and there's no way I feel like she doesn't know she's being incredibly rude and only thinking about herself. Attachment issues or not. I think if she wanted to end things and see other people , or whatever else it may be. Instead of just up and acting like I never existed all of a sudden . Some kind of communication to cut ties properly in the very least. I told Caroline in a PM some things that happened between me and her lately during this de activation. And I feel like she does certain things to try and make me hate her. Last time I saw her and everytime I do see her when I'm out with friends (same social circle, and a lot of mutual friends), she talked to some random dude in front of my face for a while, then went out dancing with him all while giving me the complete cold shoulder the entire time. Granted when I see her out I don't talk to her or say hi ejther , but it's because I sent her a handful of messages to which she never responded to any after the de activation. So I feel if I did that she would further feel I was invading her space, and I would feel stalkerish |
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Post by dhali on Sept 29, 2019 1:25:08 GMT
It sounds like a breakup to me. You can call that a deactivation if you like, but it’s totally fine to never speak to an ex again. No analysis is needed. It’s what people consider moving on.
For sure she knows what she is doing in front of you, and any reasons I could give would all be a guess, but she’s not your problem anymore. Let that other guy learn how to get burned by an avoidant. It’s a lesson that at least serves a person.
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Post by stu on Sept 29, 2019 1:52:54 GMT
It sounds like a breakup to me. You can call that a deactivation if you like, but it’s totally fine to never speak to an ex again. No analysis is needed. It’s what people consider moving on. For sure she knows what she is doing in front of you, and any reasons I could give would all be a guess, but she’s not your problem anymore. Let that other guy learn how to get burned by an avoidant. It’s a lesson that at least serves a person. I guess,But it feels incredibly messed up and callous to just all of a sudden pretend I don't exist, out of nowhere for no apparent reason to me. We didn't have a discussion about breaking up or talk about anything wbatsiever. And also ignore any attempt I've made to say anything at all. I know she's never done that with exes so I don't understand why she thinks it's normal with me. Especially that we bump into each other all the time through the same friends , places, social circle etc. So it's awkward as hell to just not acknlwedge the other person is there anymore in those circumstances. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 29, 2019 1:53:12 GMT
Ouch Stu! That really sucks, and if its her way of showing you she's moved on, its not a very adult one. I mean you never did a single thing but be good to her, you don't deserve that. Hope she learns the hard way that its no path to your friendship either.
I have to work with my ex. I can dodge him most days completely, but there was a time this week I walked past him and a group of our colleagues. Getting snubbed and stonewalled by him that day in front of people was like a punch in the gut. It took me all night and the next morning to recover. Wish I could find another job, but I'm not letting him do that to me too.
I realise its my fault tho, I didn't mind read enough or take verbal abuse like a good punching bag should.
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Post by stu on Sept 29, 2019 2:05:28 GMT
Ouch Stu! That really sucks, and if its her way of showing you she's moved on, its not a very adult one. I mean you never did a single thing but be good to her, you don't deserve that. Hope she learns the hard way that its no path to your friendship either. I have to work with my ex. I can dodge him most days completely, but there was a time this week I walked past him and a group of our colleagues. Getting snubbed and stonewalled by him that day in front of people was like a punch in the gut. It took me all night and the next morning to recover. Wish I could find another job, but I'm not letting him do that to me too. I realise its my fault tho, I didn't mind read enough or take verbal abuse like a good punching bag should. Right? Lol pretty damn dehumanizing. I guess I ended up dodging a bullet. But the way she's acting just puts a sour taste to all the time we did spend together and the connection and things I thought we did have together, but whatever no point in holding onto something that isn't worth it. |
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Post by dhali on Sept 29, 2019 2:23:39 GMT
Yeah, agreed. That takes some nerve. Probably not the type of person you want to put your emotional trust into.
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Post by stu on Sept 29, 2019 2:31:58 GMT
Yeah, agreed. That takes some nerve. Probably not the type of person you want to put your emotional trust into. My friends told me she may have just been being friendly and it could have been an acquentence of a friend. The dancing wasn't like grinding or anything just two stepping in a country bar. But watching it happen was just awkward as hell. To me it didn't look extremely flirty but definitely felt a little weird. Either way, shes damaged my well being enough at this point that I don't see how it can ever be repaired anyways. I don't ever want to be treated like that by someone I geniunely love. What is maddening to me is how much time I spend on these forums and reading books and trying to be more helpful and understanding, and to do work on myself and just being an all around good person. I am sure I have said things to her or did things that may have come across the wrong way sometimes. But nothing to deserve the level of behavior she had been doing. I feel like I'm being treated like someone who did some really hurtful things or screwed someone over. But do anything like that at all. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 29, 2019 5:20:55 GMT
I feel you Stu. I was talking to my Boss today about my ex and dealing with his continued abusive behaviour (and in the workplace, his behaviour is very unprofessional as well as personally abusive). My Boss's take was what my ex is doing is gaslighting and trying to make me lose my shit so I look like the bad guy. He arranged some work stuff around so I won't have to interact with him professionally. And yeah, its hard to push away that awful feeling of having your good nature being used, and then treated like trash after  |
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