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Post by dhali on Oct 29, 2019 21:39:27 GMT
Yes, but you need to. And as I said, you can fix them. Yo can’t even help them anymore- other than peaceing out. That’s not something they have experience with. Their experiences are of the wounded always being ready for another round.
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Post by dhali on Oct 29, 2019 21:45:50 GMT
So he’s avoiding you all together because he’s afraid of something he thinks you might bring up.
1) you can’t solve people’s cognitive distortions
2) he’s sabotaging your relationship because he is afraid of a topic.
3) how in the world do you know what’s going on in their head? This is a cognitive distortion all on its own. Maybe there’s no re connection because they don’t want to be with you
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2019 22:02:26 GMT
So he’s avoiding you all together because he’s afraid of something he thinks you might bring up. 1) you can’t solve people’s cognitive distortions 2) he’s sabotaging your relationship because he is afraid of a topic. 3) how in the world do you know what’s going on in their head? This is a cognitive distortion all on its own. Maybe there’s no re connection because they don’t want to be with you All of this is why it's really good to have mature, healthy self esteem boundaries. When the FA cycle is romanticized at all, or any insecure pattern is romanticized, and blanks are filled in, it can end very painfully (once the bottom falls out). Sometimes I think all the attachment stuff online is a curse as much as a blessing- because internet diagnosis of someone can be super inaccurate. Especially if you only have small crumbs of electronic communication to try to hold it together. It's just a new age of dating that is not good for the human race. Awareness of ones style and that of others is good, not bad.... but discretion is a must. Assuming and mind reading according to "type" is a dangerous thing emotionally. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 22:18:36 GMT
But again, if a person is deactivating for self preservation, why should we expect them to put someone else's feelings first above themselves? Their ghosting isn't something they can think of from another point of view in that way, they can only think of it as, I have to get away, right? Unless you are telling me that a FA can in fact be fully aware that yes it's not right, I am wrong, and I shouldn't be doing this, and I need to make it right once I feel better? Because from what I understand, they simply can't understand that it's not acceptable to someone else as they are only able to think about what's acceptable for them at the moment to survive. Umm... You're doing some amazing gymnastics here. "Their ghosting isn't something they can think of from another point of view in that way, they can only think of it as, I have to get away, right?" Wrong. The certainly can. You're making allowances no one should have. "Unless you are telling me that a FA can in fact be fully aware that yes it's not right, I am wrong, and I shouldn't be doing this, and I need to make it right once I feel better?" They ARE fully aware oif what they are doing. They've just been allowed to do it. With no consequences. So it's OK now. They are also cowards, and they know that too. "Because from what I understand, they simply can't understand that it's not acceptable to someone else as they are only able to think about what's acceptable for them at the moment to survive." I think that's what you want to believe. What you wrote is not documented anywhere. People are aware of their actions. They may or may not have empathy about it, but they are aware. Here is one of the many articles I have read that have helped me understand where his head can be and why he may be doing what he is doing. www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/deactivating-strategyAnd just FYI, the longer I know him, the fewer expectations I have of him, because the more I see his limitations. But because I am not instantly throwing in the towel doesn't mean I am wrong for how I am handling MY relationship. You seem pretty triggered by not just what I think and feel, but what others think and feel. Maybe you need to rein it in a bit and just breathe, because your hostility is frankly annoying. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 22:27:03 GMT
And as I write this, my FA is reaching out to me. Sometimes we know our FAs better than anyone else. I am going to take some time before I reply, and we'll go from there... It's your situation, but after what you've been through, what are looking to get out of an interaction? Get back together? Is that wise? I get that you think knowing the situation makes it manageable, but this is your life. Do you really want it with someone who has one foot out the door? An apology? OK, but does it really matter? I guess it lets you sleep better every night to know someone didn't purposely do you harm, and owned that they did do you harm. But that's not a need. And you're opening up a whole can of pain/interaction/push/pull. Do you ever get tired of it all? There are people out there who will love you for who you are and not make you jump around all the time. My suggestion is to take time for YOU. Don't answer the text. Ever. Maybe in 2-3 months, but only if you've picked up a new hobby and 5 new friends. This is self care. We are all looking for someone to make us feel better. Make yourself feel better, and you'll never go back to this nightmare again. And that's what this has turned into for you. A nightmare. You're spending your free time on an attachment forum discussing all the ways your ex has triggered you, after her getting triggered. Get out of the house and experience the world in new ways. This person will drag you down, and you won't end up with her in the end. You might even waste a few more years of your life I'm looking to get a conversation hopefully, and perhaps just some peaceful parting if that's where it's going to end up. Why so hostile?? You are coming from such a place of projected unresolved anger that should be directed at whoever you are mad at, not me. And.. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have a very full life. My life isn't made up of ONLY HIM. I love him in my life, but he is NOT my life. I do a whole lot of self care, not that I have to justify it to you. My suggestion to YOU is to get into some therapy so you're not spewing all your anger at the wrong person. Perhaps YOU anticipated a different outcome with the person YOU had hoped to. I have been completely realistic here saying I KNOW that it may not work out and the statistics are slim to none that I get the outcome I want. Maybe YOU need to grow up, get out in the world (I've lived a lot so I don't need to come out of my face when someone makes choices that I may think aren't the best, but that I know they may have to do on their own for their own reasons or growth or whatever) and move on with your life. Take a chill pill. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 22:30:12 GMT
And as I write this, my FA is reaching out to me. Sometimes we know our FAs better than anyone else. I am going to take some time before I reply, and we'll go from there... This is good NYC. In my own experiences, the `slow response' game is something my ex was much better at than me. His pattern would be if I didn't respond for a few days, then responded, he'd text a bit then ghost again, leaving me feeling anxious all over again. If I may make a suggestion, you're going to feel a lot less anxious and get a lot more respect from him in the long run if you don't reply at all for weeks, and preferably for a full month. It makes a huge difference when its on your terms, which it will be. He more than deserves it.. he ghosted you for 2 months, then recently for a week, and now he's got flakey again. Its unacceptable behaviour, he knows it. If you can, make your stand now. It works out much better in the long run. Just to update, I did reply, longer than I normally do, he replied, and that's that. He is having the last word for now. There is a shift in me, and I'm glad about that. I love him, I'm here, but yes, it's going to be on my terms as well. If this is the end it's the end. I had to get to this place, and I am not sorry or regretful of any way I handled it. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 29, 2019 22:30:26 GMT
My point was that it doesn’t matter. This is a super interesting time on this board because 3-4 people on here are experiencing the same exact(ish) thing at the same time. A failed second go around. If I’m not mistaken a few were told beforehand- this won’t turn out well. To which there was a bunch of “I know the situation better because I’m in the field” sorta responses. Which is fine. But here we are.
There’s a bunch of grousing. Again, that’s fine, but it doesn’t actually do anything. There’s a bunch of seeking to understand. Great. But it’s not because we are all intellectuals. It’s because of angling to make things better.
It’s over. It’s not your job to make it better. They expressed a need to be away from you. I get that you don’t agree with their stated need. Or even necessarily understand it. I’m claiming that’s all irrelevant. Well it’s relevant, but only as it pertains to your insecure behavior. It remains that you are both incompatible. Find someone you are compatible with. That’s the secure action.
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 22:34:06 GMT
I consider an intimate partner someone I am rightfully accountable to. Wait, so DAs feel accountable to their partners?? That's news. The one I knew didn't, and from what I read, DA's don't seem to GAF. What am I missing? |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 22:35:41 GMT
Yes, your prefrontal cortex can go off-line. That happens when I'm mad too. I used to throw things as a kid. Does that mean I can't control that now? Surely I can, and I do. I don't even yell anymore. I take space, and deal with my emotions and then plug back in. Why? Because I'm responsible for how I show up. There are NO excuses for that, and handicapping someone on this is doing them a disservice. Again, why are you expecting someone who is not aware of their attachments styles to act like they are? Why is this forum even here if we weren't trying to get an understanding of FAs? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2019 22:38:26 GMT
I consider an intimate partner someone I am rightfully accountable to. Wait, so DAs feel accountable to their partners?? That's news. The one I knew didn't, and from what I read, DA's don't seem to GAF. What am I missing? Some civility? I think you're missing some civility. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2019 22:45:05 GMT
Again, why are you expecting someone who is not aware of their attachments styles to act like they are? Why is this forum even here if we weren't trying to get an understanding of FAs? For all insecure types to have a place to work on themselves? 🙋🏾♀️ |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2019 22:46:07 GMT
Wait, so DAs feel accountable to their partners?? That's news. The one I knew didn't, and from what I read, DA's don't seem to GAF. What am I missing? That’s unfair to attack one particular person, one who is working on herself, based on the whole insecurely attached type. Some people also leave relationships not because they are avoidant but because- well... mean people suck? |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 22:46:33 GMT
I think the awareness discussed is related to why they feel certain ways. Not that they think their actions are acceptable forms of human behavior. Unless we are talking about mental impairment... From my understanding a lot of times with an FA is the need to escape and protect oneself so ghosting as a means of severe avoidance because of the underlying panic and need to get away, but once that initial inpulse settles because it doesn't nexessirely last week's or months. There is the low self esteem factor and the dread about re connecting because of the consequences of their behavior. Someone who thinks poorly of themselves doing something incredibly hurtful and knowing it. And then being afraid to deal with the situation properly. It doesn't make it right and that's still on them to address as adults. But it does give you a sense of context behind things. Albiet it's very immature and not cool to do to anyone. Yes, stu, thank you. If an FA is just ghosting for the hell of it, why are we here on a forum trying to understand them? They would just be your every day asshole that we don't need to think twice about. Obviously the FAs we are trying to figure out are people that we don't just see the FA in, we see them as a whole person made of other parts as well. Sometimes we have enough and leave, sometimes we need to for ourselves try to take it as far as we can before either we decide we've had enough, or the FA has ghosted beyond the brink of repair. There are all kinds of scenarios, we all have different capacities. I see FAs on here saying they are working on themselves, why can't we hope that the FAs in our live might also get to that point? I personally don't know if my FA is capable of getting to that point and I am very realistic about this. I'm not sure why there are some people here just so coming out of their faces because we see things in a less extreme way. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 29, 2019 23:05:16 GMT
Yes, stu , thank you. If an FA is just ghosting for the hell of it, why are we here on a forum trying to understand them? They would just be your every day asshole that we don't need to think twice about. Obviously the FAs we are trying to figure out are people that we don't just see the FA in, we see them as a whole person made of other parts as well. Sometimes we have enough and leave, sometimes we need to for ourselves try to take it as far as we can before either we decide we've had enough, or the FA has ghosted beyond the brink of repair. There are all kinds of scenarios, we all have different capacities. I see FAs on here saying they are working on themselves, why can't we hope that the FAs in our live might also get to that point? I personally don't know if my FA is capable of getting to that point and I am very realistic about this. I'm not sure why there are some people here just so coming out of their faces because we see things in a less extreme way. The key word is hope. But what is the statistical chance of this for someone who isn’t even aware to do so in a time frame that will end up being successful to your relationship? It takes years from what I understand. That and professional therapy. You’re at the beginning. In fact you’re not even at the beginning. Because not only is he unaware, he may go into denial, become aware and have no desire to seek help. Do you really want to waste years on this? Cmon you’ve been married before and you found someone else after that you were drawn in by! Why not get yourself back to the place to find that again? I'm the type of person who needs to try. I usually don't just walk away, especially on someone who I know there's a connection with. Believe me though, I HAVE walked away from people who I have not felt a connection to with no remorse and no looking back. But just because I am trying with my current FA doesn't mean I have no agency at all, or that I somehow it can't end it on my terms as well. And fwiw, I feel that as far as comparing him to my ex husband, outside of the FA style, he is far more compatible with me than anyone I've even been with which I think is a good enough reason to want to save the relationship, even though I know the statistics are against me. Now, I'm sure when you're in a relationship with someone that you connect with and love, it's not just the FA you see that person as, right? You see whatever good it is that you love about them. Because I now know about FA which I never did before this relationship, it helps me understand why he does what he does and why he thinks the way he thinks. It also helps me understand that this relationship may have reached its limits and this is pretty much the end. But I have no regrets at all, even with the ex's who pissed me the hell off. All of it was part of my journey and I healed from all of them, every single one. If this one ends, I will heal from this one too with the peace that it ended because there were factors out of my control that I just needed to let go of. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 29, 2019 23:14:35 GMT
It's your situation, but after what you've been through, what are looking to get out of an interaction? Get back together? Is that wise? I get that you think knowing the situation makes it manageable, but this is your life. Do you really want it with someone who has one foot out the door? An apology? OK, but does it really matter? I guess it lets you sleep better every night to know someone didn't purposely do you harm, and owned that they did do you harm. But that's not a need. And you're opening up a whole can of pain/interaction/push/pull. Do you ever get tired of it all? There are people out there who will love you for who you are and not make you jump around all the time. My suggestion is to take time for YOU. Don't answer the text. Ever. Maybe in 2-3 months, but only if you've picked up a new hobby and 5 new friends. This is self care. We are all looking for someone to make us feel better. Make yourself feel better, and you'll never go back to this nightmare again. And that's what this has turned into for you. A nightmare. You're spending your free time on an attachment forum discussing all the ways your ex has triggered you, after her getting triggered. Get out of the house and experience the world in new ways. This person will drag you down, and you won't end up with her in the end. You might even waste a few more years of your life I'm looking to get a conversation hopefully, and perhaps just some peaceful parting if that's where it's going to end up. Why so hostile?? You are coming from such a place of projected unresolved anger that should be directed at whoever you are mad at, not me. And.. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have a very full life. My life isn't made up of ONLY HIM. I love him in my life, but he is NOT my life. I do a whole lot of self care, not that I have to justify it to you. My suggestion to YOU is to get into some therapy so you're not spewing all your anger at the wrong person. Perhaps YOU anticipated a different outcome with the person YOU had hoped to. I have been completely realistic here saying I KNOW that it may not work out and the statistics are slim to none that I get the outcome I want. Maybe YOU need to grow up, get out in the world (I've lived a lot so I don't need to come out of my face when someone makes choices that I may think aren't the best, but that I know they may have to do on their own for their own reasons or growth or whatever) and move on with your life. Take a chill pill. Remind me not to capitalize the word you ever again |
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