Fa came back, again.

Ummm ok.

More times then not this dynamic obviously doesn't work out long term. Although they also say anxious acoidants can also have some of the longest lasting relationships out of anyone, not that it's a pleasant one. I'm sure there are cases where someone is self aware enough and wanting to work on themselves and their partner being also secure or maybe insecure but also working on themselves and their own self awareness too, it would work out fine.

The girl I was seeing was as close as someone could get to being self aware, and acknoweldged and taking responsibility of their challenges , and wanting help and trying to seek it out. But without quite being all the way there yet. Where they could handle things when those huge triggers come up. Like I mentioned here or another thread earlier there's a difference between wanting help and wanting to work on things , as well as having self awareness when you aren't in that triggered and altered state of thinking. But another thing entirely to be far enough along to be able to identify and separate from that triggered state when it does occur with self awareness and questioning and challenging those old patterns.

The girl I was seeing got over the first de activation and said she felt like she had no soul, and felt terrible and geniunely remorseful as well as feeling very bad about herself. But it didn't prevent it from happening again, I also think at some point she will realize again the same thing happened all over again. Once her brain stops thinking it's all me and realizes she just did the same thing again. Even though she said she would never let it happen again and never wanted to hurt me like that again.

I think there is the emotional processing that happebs with guilt shame, self loathing, etc. All the emotional responses to the behaviors, events , triggers, self view etc. And someone to really get well again needs to he able to look at themselves honestly enough and just observe things to the point they can move past those emotional fliches and process all the feelings thoughts and emotions that over lay all the experiences. Once you can feel through and process all of that. It will just became an old pattern that can be actively chosen whether or not to follow, through self awareness. You won't act blindly by just following raw emotional instincts anymore. Because you've healed it and stepped through it already.

Love that turns to hate is dysfunction to begin with, in my opinion.  And for many involved in the cycle it does go from vitriol to love and back again- it's pretty unstable.  Both sides.
 

I've hated people that I've loved before, and in every case that hate turned into indifference, which is even less than hate to me. Hate involves caring, indifference is not caring at all.

I like to think of this place as me sitting around with all of you on some comfy couches with coffees in our hands, talking and sharing our experiences, bonding over the shared things that we've gone through...except for one or two people here who are sitting in a corner waiting to pounce on us and tell us we're stupid and ridiculous for not just ripping the band aid off and to stop complaining :-p  That's how I see it in my mind. Mostly supportive, and I know who you are, and the few who want to pile it on and say you should know better! You are the reason you are hurting! You are doing this to yourself!

I think so, but at the same time during a de activation she can be completely self centered, disrespectful and with no consideration for another well being whatsoever. Might not sound nice or pretty to say but that's what her actions paint out when it happens.

It's not as if for example it's impossible to send someone a single message saying this isn't working for me, to someone they built a deep bond with and had a geniune connection and long standing history. Before just going on to someone else while leaving the other person completely in the dark. She knew I was still trying to make things worked still cared about her and still liked her during the de activation and chose to ignore every reach out no matter how nice, anytime I ever tried. And as of now that de activation is a part of who she is just as much as all the good parts. So sometimes no, I don't think she has a geniune or remorse at least in that state of awareness.

And after when her body is feeling safe again and she's regulated maybe she feels really badly to how she affected the other person but my guess is not to large degree. Probably her mind doesn't let her gonthere. Because of too much shame and self loathing to be able to even process. I don't think she thinks back on it enough and reflects to the point of realizing the extend of how damaging it can be. Because there is a sense of self preservation and fear of looking at herself fully. Because that is very scary. These are my projections but if it we're me and I realized the full extent everything I did I would be horrified and commiting myself to getting well asap. But that's just me.

Thanks Faith, it was actually just rhetorical, it doesn't really matter because thats just the chaff of all this angst (directed at me like the quote on this thread) -it's from the people experiencing the ghosting of their partners.  

 I'm super clear that I didn't date them and they are just flamin'. 
I'm good!