Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2019 18:21:54 GMT
You must have missed it along the way, but I'm an admitted soft FA. Really soft now. I come across as very secure - can be pushed anxious at times, but I have control over my physical actions (words too) - just not the somatic feelings. This wasn't always the case. I've even done some stalking as a result when I was a teen (I'm not proud of this). Sure my emotional state drove me to do this, but I realized I am in control of what I do and say and that's not who I wanted to be. None of us are remote controlled. As for being FA, my history suggests that I'll leave you eventually. My longest stretch - 14 yrs.
Relationships take work, and someone bouncing without warning is not putting in the work I would want to see. I wouldn't ever trust them to be there for me when it mattered. Being with someone is hard. But it's worth it, and I'll never be alone again because I didn't put in the work. I'm looking for the same. I have said to everyone I was in a relationship with, that if either of us leaves, it's over for me, and I'll be moving on. My last gf (an FA), left abruptly, and rudely. She gets to test drive my statement. I'm pretty sure she's aware that it's over. Maybe it'll make her next relationship more stable, knowing that some men, at least, have a backbone. I think most FA's are used to being with people who don't stand up for themselves, so it's normal to have someone always waiting for them. Not me.
It also seems to me that people who are accepting of this are putting the other person's needs in front of their own. That's just not healthy.
dhali, my personal perspective here is that if an individual is healthy enough to have and enjoy a genuine emotional connection with you, they are not so far unhealthy on the spectrum to be unable to communicate a need for space or decompression. I don't think you can have enough emotional awareness to be healthy enough to bond genuinely but not healthy enough to consider that bond and communicate a shift. To me, those things don't coexist.
That's been my own experience as well. That's why I don't see periods of silence to be compatible with the good stuff. That's just my own take but it seems you have that position also.
Again, it's all down to people's personal perspectives. It's so good for me, knowing what I've come to understand and be able to do, and to not be having to try so hard to make sense of things. The natural flow of reciprocity and consistency is something we all need and it's great when you can establish it in relationships- that's all I have now!
Have you been dating, and has this awareness changed things for you in that regard, if you are?