jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 1, 2019 14:10:40 GMT
This is mindfuckery!
I happen to be home ill and was laying down when the text came through just now. Actual pain in my heart. Noticed the change in my breathing. Surreal to be *that aware in that moment of all of my systems. Wow. Anywho.
So he's just playing it supremely friendly and otally cool. Like nothing has happened.
What the actual eff?!
The reality is hes just batting me around. One of my male friends thinks he knows exactly what he's doing and he gets what he wants under this guise of the anti mommas boy. His wording. He says "toying" a lot too in reference to "the Weirdo"
I'm not making any sudden moves.
Honestly I feel like screw the nice way to go about this conversation and to reiterate this is what you do, you've left a bevy of heartbroken girls in your wakr. What are you doing about it?
Period.
Nothing much has transpired in 2 weeks other than maybe he realized he missed me. And now that he potentially lost me bc I have not responded.
Cool. Sit in that for a minute non boyfriend boyfriend. I am not ready to talk to this cat at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by stu on Nov 1, 2019 20:39:40 GMT
This is mindfuckery! I happen to be home ill and was laying down when the text came through just now. Actual pain in my heart. Noticed the change in my breathing. Surreal to be *that aware in that moment of all of my systems. Wow. Anywho. So he's just playing it supremely friendly and otally cool. Like nothing has happened. What the actual eff?! The reality is hes just batting me around. One of my male friends thinks he knows exactly what he's doing and he gets what he wants under this guise of the anti mommas boy. His wording. He says "toying" a lot too in reference to "the Weirdo" I'm not making any sudden moves. Honestly I feel like screw the nice way to go about this conversation and to reiterate this is what you do, you've left a bevy of heartbroken girls in your wakr. What are you doing about it? Period. Nothing much has transpired in 2 weeks other than maybe he realized he missed me. And now that he potentially lost me bc I have not responded. Cool. Sit in that for a minute non boyfriend boyfriend. I am not ready to talk to this cat at all. Good attitude staying strong and not just giving in to reconnect with no discussion. I will say I have noticed it's a pattern for a lot of acoidants to reach back out in very indirect ways, where they will also avoid mentioning anything that happened at all. Don't want to address anything out of who knows what fears or reasons, also the more unavailable you are and the more distant the harder they will often try to get you back. But what is important for you I think you already know and honoring yourself and your boundaries is the most important thing of all. Id only accept him back if he was acknowedlging things he has done and is looking to work on himself with serious intent, AND was already getting active help with it. Cause even then it's an uphill battle and can take years to recover from. |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 1, 2019 20:44:36 GMT
Hugs Jules. Can you identify what you want from him exactly? I know you are so disappointed with his avoidance, its so heart breaking  It never hurts to say exactly what you need, even knowing they can't give it to you. Better than getting angry and throwing the kitchen sink at them. Maybe him saying `no' to whats in your heart is what you need to hear, to let go ? |
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 1, 2019 23:02:24 GMT
He has now texted a third time. I still have yet to reply to his initial text from last night. This time he would like to know if I'd like my odds and ends at his place mailed back to me. This reads totally dramatic and entirely AP to me.
I'm still not ready to talk. I'd like to hear some action words.
Standing firm.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 1, 2019 23:13:37 GMT
So now, you’re choosing to play a game. He’s in one part of the crappy, well worn cycle. This is your opportunity to not participate in the cycle, if that’s what you want, and act in a business like way to achieve your desired outcome. This is an opportunity for your growth.
|
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 1, 2019 23:33:20 GMT
It *is an opportunity for my growth. Furthermore my teenage daughter just asked me what I am going to do?
I'm going to exemplify precisely what a strong, stable, smart woman would do and let him be. It's an opportunity for his growth as well and I sure hope he takes it. No ill will. No games. I have peace knowing it's time now.
Hes going to get all nervous Nelly now? Where before it was all so aloof and pragmatic? Where he's telling me "hey, if I'm not available and you are you should do what you want."? And see other people?
Whiplash. I can't. Cannot.
Maybe in time, when he's made significant strides to recover and claim his life we could be friends. But I'm balls deep in bettering myself right now, since forever. I will get what I give out. He's not there and thats ok. But he is not ready for me, nor am I ready for him. Perhaps when hes ready for me, I will have already matched up with a better more suitable partner. That's the hope. And I am still hopeful. If I'm doing right; it seems to be everywhere, the positivity. The last 2 weeks I bounced back quite nicely. Am actually proud of myself. I made healthy choices and I feel good.
Thank you all for the support and suggestions, thought etc. Really good stuff!!
|
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Nov 1, 2019 23:38:23 GMT
So now, you’re choosing to play a game. He’s in one part of the crappy, well worn cycle. This is your opportunity to not participate in the cycle, if that’s what you want, and act in a business like way to achieve your desired outcome. This is an opportunity for your growth. What game? She broke up with him. She wants to be done. She expressed that. It’s over. Does she owe him a business like response every time he feels like reaching out? Can she just be done without it being a game? |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Nov 2, 2019 0:03:47 GMT
Jules, congrats, and I hope you stay strong. I don’t believe anyone should stay in an on/off thing. Ever. It’s extremely unhealthy.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 2, 2019 0:08:47 GMT
She can act in whatever way she likes. He's trying to use shared things as a lever to make contact, I understand. But, she's here complaining about his FA behaviour, when a business like "yes thanks" or "no thanks" would suffice. No more. If NC is being used as retribution, I don't think that's growth. However, people have the right to have who they want in their life, the way they see fit.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2019 0:23:22 GMT
perhaps "game" is not the best word, but I see what mrob is saying. jules it seems like his behavior still invokes strong emotional reactions in you, and therefore, your responses continue to "engage" him in this to-fro exchange with him that is actually unseen. you might not reply him but there's still some sort of emotional "exchange" going on where you still react to him with narratives and emotion. that's completely understandable since it's still rather fresh, but I think that's what mrob is referring to as "game". I hope what your daughter sees is that while a woman can have hurt feelings, one is in control of how one wants to be treated and will take action to protect the self in a calm, non-reactive, strong and powerful way! |
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 2, 2019 0:34:52 GMT
I'm not ready to talk to him. Yes, its conjuring up stuff as yes, it is still fresh.
It's best I not say anything right now but practicing the restraint of pen and tongue. To be clear I have not responded to any of his three texts. There is no exchange other than the implication that I have got nothing right now.
I do not know when and if i will have anything that I want to present to him. I do want to continue to talk about it here tho, bc it is causing conflict for me.
That said, it's not my focus. Because last night it occurred to him does not mean I am where I was when I texted him last. For I am not. I dont know what the heck is going on. For now it is best to lay low and chill. Focus on feeling the uncomfortable feelings and see them to the other side. I'm not doing anything or saying anything without thinking first.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on Nov 2, 2019 0:41:43 GMT
This is mindfuckery! I happen to be home ill and was laying down when the text came through just now. Actual pain in my heart. Noticed the change in my breathing. Surreal to be *that aware in that moment of all of my systems. Wow. Anywho. So he's just playing it supremely friendly and otally cool. Like nothing has happened. What the actual eff?! The reality is hes just batting me around. One of my male friends thinks he knows exactly what he's doing and he gets what he wants under this guise of the anti mommas boy. His wording. He says "toying" a lot too in reference to "the Weirdo" I'm not making any sudden moves. Honestly I feel like screw the nice way to go about this conversation and to reiterate this is what you do, you've left a bevy of heartbroken girls in your wakr. What are you doing about it? Period. Nothing much has transpired in 2 weeks other than maybe he realized he missed me. And now that he potentially lost me bc I have not responded. Cool. Sit in that for a minute non boyfriend boyfriend. I am not ready to talk to this cat at all. Has he apologised for his actions or any realisation? If not I'd literally text that back in a non-confrontational way of course. Say that "Do you realise when you do this, it creates these feelings etc etc". If he's legitimate, he'll elaborate. If not, he's a no goer, very simple to be honest in my opinion. No need for games over 25 years old in age! My ex has apologised for pulling away, I haven't gone into major detail with her just yet, "building rapport" phase again, but I am being vulnerable and expressing 100% what I feel and think regardless of "walking on eggshells", it's the only way to go, they must realise what is happening, and she does have a legitimate health issue she is working through. And she has expressed concern when I had a head cold the other week, asked if I was ok etc. So empathy is there. If no empathy, then geezuz how can you have a relationship? You're striving for some "interdependency" at the end of the day, lest you are codependent or dependent, whichever way. |
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 2, 2019 0:43:54 GMT
His going totally dramatic and asking if he should return my belongings to me via mail is so over the top, go for the jugular. That is offputting and very much feels like a game. Or I'm unsure what, childish, petty, just dramatic.
It's like a temper tantrum. Fine if you won't talk to me I'll chuck your stuff out. What are we twelve?
He doesn't need to be answered immediately. He doesn't extend that to me. You get what you give.
Not for nothing but the whole FA thing is really quite needy. Everyone is supposed to just accept your needs, but my boundaries, needs? Non important.
Maybe it is retaliation of some sort, perhaps not as much growth as it could be. In either case its where I am now. Its honest, it's real and there are ramifications for shit behavior.
I dont see an issue with my choice here.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 2, 2019 0:48:20 GMT
His going totally dramatic and asking if he should return my belongings to me via mail is so over the top, go for the jugular. That is offputting and very much feels like a game. Or I'm unsure what, childish, petty, just dramatic. It's like a temper tantrum. Fine if you won't talk to me I'll chuck your stuff out. What are we twelve? He doesn't need to be answered immediately. He doesn't extend that to me. You get what you give. Not for nothing but the whole FA thing is really quite needy. Everyone is supposed to just accept your needs, but my boundaries, needs? Non important. Maybe it is retaliation of some sort, perhaps not as much growth as it could be. In either case its where I am now. Its honest, it's real and there are ramifications for shit behavior. I dont see an issue with my choice here. I don’t see it as that way at all. I see it as somebody who knows it’s done and wants to give back your stuff without contact. It’s your choice what you do. |
|
jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
|
Post by jules on Nov 2, 2019 0:53:36 GMT
I think it's a last grasp effort to talk. The first message was asking me to ask my child something for him. The second was a greeting. And now this? Perhaps you are right. In any case I think he knows I can live without the hoodie and Tupperware. It's very dramatic to go there as opposed to saying something (anything!) with regard to what transpired. 2 weeks ago.
I dont know. I'm not FA. Would not be my approach.
|
|
It never hurts to say exactly what you need, even knowing they can't give it to you. Better than getting angry and throwing the kitchen sink at them.