He's now double texted

Well, while your brethren in attachment is still in denial, you are different in so much as you are "working to get away from it". So apples and oranges, no reason to take personal offense as I am referring to an entirely different individual than yourself. And I am grateful. If I let half the shit I have seen in my life twist me all up I'd be a real miserable fuck, but I don't. I work through it. Grateful to have those tools.
Just like you do. Like he should. Nobody is living on easy street. Everyone has their cross to bare. I'm pretty sure no one in the history of the world has ever calmed down by being told to do so and I think the same theory applies to telling someone to be grateful. Just sayin'.

I suppose I might, in this moment be here to do a little bit of both right now. Is that a problem? I'm working through some shit. If that is ok. If you'd rather not read what I am posting I suppose you do know how to avoid it.

Thank you Alexandra. I am just trying to mull things over and determine what is the best course of action is for me. I dont want to ghost anyone. And I don't know yet what I want to say. This one sided conversation he has had has bounced all over the place. I am just trying to think. Albeit out loud or whiney as it were. Something like that anyway. If I so decide to never respond, that is totally might right. This didnt exactly end well on his part. He was quite hurtful to me. Almost I wanted was to love him. He rejected me because of his stuff. He was the first person to tell me it is not personal. I feel like I was walking a fine line between empath and door mat. At some point I have to focus on myself too, not just his wounds. Its hurting me to try to understand him.



Thanks all. I'm going to bed. Cold medicine is kicking in.

caro - In the case of your FA’s mysterious disappearance I think it’s acceptable and also sets your standard to text back “Have you been ok? I was surprised/confused when I didn’t hear back from you the past two weeks.” That way you let him know you noticed and it didn’t sit well with you. Then if you continue to talk I’d ask him to give you the head’s up next time he needs to take some time. Those exchanges- not done in an activated/deactivated time were well always received by my DA. Timing is everything.

I think it's very often the case in these breakups, that it's not the avoidant (or whatever they've been diagnosed as by the partner posting here) that's changed their perspective of the whole thing, when they get back in touch.  It's the dissatisfied partner here, who has changed their perspective over time.

Typically when the ex or avoidant or whatever gets in touch, the motive is probably 
"Hey, this worked for you for a long time, in spite of what you said.  So, just checking to see if we can engage the way we used to, when you didn't question me, when it was all copacetic.  We didn't talk about stuff then, or if we did, I let you know I'm not exactly what you're looking for.  How you doin' ?"

So, reactions to this return approach are understandably dramatic because of the emotions involved on the part of the person here.  However, I think it's risky to read into their contact too much because the content will be viewed through a HIGHLY subjective lens.

A lazy text, is just a lazy text, at the end of the day . No really invested person would try to rekindle anything or have a serious conversation at all that way.  It would just be same ole' same ole.  We are all adults and often these things are conducted on the high school level, unfortunately. 

Just my thoughts on that.  Yes, if you're done you're done and it shows by clear communication straight to the point and then perhaps a block so you can deal with your own process without interference and shenanigans going on in the background. 

I agree. Speaking generally, to these situations: if you really consider the long dynamic, there's been one person giving it a lot of thought and thinking the avoidant or whatever should change, evolve, grow, become aware, become more available, progress, gain insight, in short: change. This has often been a narrative or hope for the one disappointed. Not the other way around.

The avoidant in this situation has been conducting themselves in the way they do, and it's often quite plain that they have different values or expectations. Typically, they have not been engaged in a big discussion about this,, because typically someone dancing to this tune and caught by the dynamic is doing all their talking to other people, diagnosing, analyzing, figuring out, etc. They are living in a totally different world than the ex avoidant is.

So yes, it's unlikely that the avoidant will come to this sudden realization, because it likely hasn't really entered their mind. They haven't needed to over analyze, because someone is going right along with how they do things, probably not making a fuss because that's how you "scare an avoidant off."

If someone's been dancing to another persons tune and tires of it, they may stop but most of the time the other person doesn't change their tune. They just are there, if you want to dance again.

Now, in romantic comedies the situation plays out very differently, and the guy realizes that he's finally found love, and yada yada. She's been suffering long, but her heart is pure. He finally sees that, and sees his own way of being as much less than what he really wants- I mean, she really woke some thing up in him and now they start down road of intimacy, together. I haven't seen that play out in real life or on this forum but I guess it could happen. I just don't think it would have the same old feel, texting and ignoring the elephant in the living room and whatnot.

As I understand Jules's situation, Her guy said he knows he can't meet all of her needs and suggested an open relationship. Its sad, because as an avoidant, its true, he can't meet all her needs, and an open relationship (to him) may seem a logical way for Jules have her needs met whilst remaining involved together. It comes across as uncaring, like he doesn't wish to try, when in fact he simply can't change. I might be extrapolating a little here, but in my experiences it also takes some inner strength to suggest sharing your lover with others. Men are usually hell possessive too, even avoidants. I think he was looking for a middle ground, because they both enjoy one another a lot.

Jules ended the relationship, which is understandable; i also think it is a good choice because avoidants usually lack the communication and capacity for reassurance to make poly or open relationship work in any kind of healthy way. Jules then texted an angry text along the lines of `I can't believe you let me go'. And in two weeks he texted her back and is trying to re engage.

I don't think either of them are in the wrong Its hard for both of them, letting a good thing go because of his avoidance. He was willing to have an open relationship just to hold onto her.

I don't think holding onto anger is the best way to grieve Its part of grief, but getting to the pain of loss, feeling the love, cracking through denial and reaching an acceptance are also part of it. I think the process takes longer than 2 weeks, and is best done with a period of no contact (including blocking for at least a month). This is purely to beat the addiction component of the relationship, and deal with cognitive dissonance. Your mind starts clearing a lot after a month, and after several months pass its clearer again.

If you keep the relationship level and don't lash out in anger or give into anxious reaching out, there will be opportunities for closure, even friendship in the future. But when you're in the grips of an addictive bond, the most important thing is to realize you are vulnerable, and give yourself distance.

These are difficult bonds to break, and the grief can feel overwhelming when you fully feel it. But you do survive and come to feel well again.

All replying to him did was open the door for further and ongoing communication. Including him asking me what I was doing later on and tomorrow (yesterday)
Hes come back as if nothing has happened.
And yes, it is exactly as Serenity said, he wants me, he cares for me, but he knows he cannot fully be there for me.

I don't know. I told him I had plans. I did not see him. I never heard from my date, so I stayed in. Which was fine. I slept and that only helped with my cold.

This is exceptionally difficult. I know I should just walk as the feelings in the throes of this are nauseating. That said, it is very clear that I care for him.

Right now I'm doing nothing.

I never knew person like this existed. This is so unfair to everyone involved.
Outside of this, in our year together not one silly fight, nothing was awry. Perhaps not an over abundance of time spent together? I dont know. Very confused. I felt much more confident before I replied.