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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 0:50:58 GMT
"then feeling ripped off when it doesn’t happen, or happen in the way I envision it." Even secures would feel this. Secures still take a punch if things dont work/unrequited love. It happens to all of us, its part of dating. Our system may not get all triggered up because of it though. I dont think its just an insecure thing, its a human thing. I was thinking that also, and I've even felt it. I think it's just a human thing and happens to varying degrees with varying impact, and varying response. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 5, 2019 1:00:44 GMT
@inmourning
I think sometimes people overlook through their attachment when its just human reactions to things and being a secure you'll not feel any of these things. Its so not the case.
Did I feel a bit 'ripped off' by my FA, yup. Ripped off in the sense we have so much in common and get along well but cant be together. There is nothing I can do. Its just human to feel sucky about it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 1:03:11 GMT
Yes 8675309 Ive loved and lost also, it is just human. alexandra recounted an experience of her DA friend that was painful as they lost a relationship they cared about. We actually are all born to connect, but the injured adaptations all go haywire around it. Still, at the core of humans, is the want to love and be loved. It hurts when it doesn't work out as you hoped. |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 5, 2019 5:17:41 GMT
Sometimes deactivation is because things are good. Sometimes it's because things are intolerably bad. Can't figure that out from the outside, you'll get it wrong most likely![/quote]
If it is not a too private/painful question could you elaborate more about your perspective on deactivation when things are good?
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 5, 2019 5:19:25 GMT
Frought with trouble, and with the AP aspect of the FA prominent wanting love because I give it, then feeling ripped off when it doesn’t happen, or happen in the way I envision it. Insecure attachment. I’ve had that lesson (again, recently) that I have to learn to be just friends with a woman. I think that can happen with humans in general, although it's prominent in AP. I could be wrong but it seems like disillusionment happens all through the spectrum including secure to some extent. I have a question though, if you don't mind answering. I have felt disillusioned before about not having love returned, my nervous system and emotional/cognitive response was to withdraw, deactivate. For you, if you have an AP drive to connect and it's thwarted, as FA, do you deactivate or do you chase and seek relief with the person? Earlier you said you wouldn't chew me out in the scenario described, you'd withdraw and feel pain, so I am guessing that is the answer-, but maybe that's just in that particular scenario. I get confused, because sometimes the misunderstanding about DA is that we don't love, or don't want connection, or don't have that interpersonal stress of neediness but underlying it all, we do. We just have an opposite reaction. than the anxious drive to connect. And, we consistently withdraw through good or bad so that withdrawal gets misinterpreted. That's the go to. Just like anxiety to connect is the go to for AP, and FA has a disorganized approach of either/or. There was a time I was deactivated from my partner but feeling sad about that, and when my therapist asked me if that sadness had any longing to it at all, I said no. There was no longing for him, I was sad and withdrawn but absolutely no drive to repair or wish for him to come get me. That's the futility response of my deactivation. There is no longing, only loss and stillness in order to be able to regroup. Sometimes deactivation is because things are good. Sometimes it's because things are intolerably bad. Can't figure that out from the outside, you'll get it wrong most likely! If it is not a too private/painful question could you elaborate a little more on your perspective about deactivating when things are good? |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 5, 2019 5:19:41 GMT
Frought with trouble, and with the AP aspect of the FA prominent wanting love because I give it, then feeling ripped off when it doesn’t happen, or happen in the way I envision it. Insecure attachment. I’ve had that lesson (again, recently) that I have to learn to be just friends with a woman. I think that can happen with humans in general, although it's prominent in AP. I could be wrong but it seems like disillusionment happens all through the spectrum including secure to some extent. I have a question though, if you don't mind answering. I have felt disillusioned before about not having love returned, my nervous system and emotional/cognitive response was to withdraw, deactivate. For you, if you have an AP drive to connect and it's thwarted, as FA, do you deactivate or do you chase and seek relief with the person? Earlier you said you wouldn't chew me out in the scenario described, you'd withdraw and feel pain, so I am guessing that is the answer-, but maybe that's just in that particular scenario. I get confused, because sometimes the misunderstanding about DA is that we don't love, or don't want connection, or don't have that interpersonal stress of neediness but underlying it all, we do. We just have an opposite reaction. than the anxious drive to connect. And, we consistently withdraw through good or bad so that withdrawal gets misinterpreted. That's the go to. Just like anxiety to connect is the go to for AP, and FA has a disorganized approach of either/or. There was a time I was deactivated from my partner but feeling sad about that, and when my therapist asked me if that sadness had any longing to it at all, I said no. There was no longing for him, I was sad and withdrawn but absolutely no drive to repair or wish for him to come get me. That's the futility response of my deactivation. There is no longing, only loss and stillness in order to be able to regroup. Sometimes deactivation is because things are good. Sometimes it's because things are intolerably bad. Can't figure that out from the outside, you'll get it wrong most likely! If it is not a too private/painful question could you elaborate a little more on your perspective about deactivating when things are good? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 5:40:06 GMT
I think that can happen with humans in general, although it's prominent in AP. I could be wrong but it seems like disillusionment happens all through the spectrum including secure to some extent. I have a question though, if you don't mind answering. I have felt disillusioned before about not having love returned, my nervous system and emotional/cognitive response was to withdraw, deactivate. For you, if you have an AP drive to connect and it's thwarted, as FA, do you deactivate or do you chase and seek relief with the person? Earlier you said you wouldn't chew me out in the scenario described, you'd withdraw and feel pain, so I am guessing that is the answer-, but maybe that's just in that particular scenario. I get confused, because sometimes the misunderstanding about DA is that we don't love, or don't want connection, or don't have that interpersonal stress of neediness but underlying it all, we do. We just have an opposite reaction. than the anxious drive to connect. And, we consistently withdraw through good or bad so that withdrawal gets misinterpreted. That's the go to. Just like anxiety to connect is the go to for AP, and FA has a disorganized approach of either/or. There was a time I was deactivated from my partner but feeling sad about that, and when my therapist asked me if that sadness had any longing to it at all, I said no. There was no longing for him, I was sad and withdrawn but absolutely no drive to repair or wish for him to come get me. That's the futility response of my deactivation. There is no longing, only loss and stillness in order to be able to regroup. Sometimes deactivation is because things are good. Sometimes it's because things are intolerably bad. Can't figure that out from the outside, you'll get it wrong most likely! If it is not a too private/painful question could you elaborate a little more on your perspective about deactivating when things are good? At one point I was posting as sherry. I had begun therapy again and left the board but came back under this name I'm using now. I came back to the board to answer faithopelove and described it. I cannot remember the name of the thread but maybe you can find it? Or maybe faith remembers what thread it was. It is painful. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 5:42:27 GMT
Also, stayhappy when I am not deactivated it's hard for me to imagine feeling the way I do when deactivated, so I feel self conscious about describing it. When it's fresh I can describe it but after it wears off I want nothing to do with it. So that iteration is probably a one in a million lol. It's a very hard state to think of when I'm regulated. |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 5, 2019 5:56:26 GMT
Also, stayhappy when I am not deactivated it's hard for me to imagine feeling the way I do when deactivated, so I feel self conscious about describing it. When it's fresh I can describe it but after it wears off I want nothing to do with it. So that iteration is probably a one in a million lol. It's a very hard state to think of when I'm regulated. Thank you for your answer! I will try to find the thread when I come home from work! And sorry if my question made your mind go to places that maybe you don’t wanna go. I have some memories that I really don’t like to remember either. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 5:59:31 GMT
Also, stayhappy when I am not deactivated it's hard for me to imagine feeling the way I do when deactivated, so I feel self conscious about describing it. When it's fresh I can describe it but after it wears off I want nothing to do with it. So that iteration is probably a one in a million lol. It's a very hard state to think of when I'm regulated. Thank you for your answer! I will try to find the thread when I come home from work! And sorry if my question made your mind go to places that maybe you don’t wanna go. I have some memories that I really don’t like to remember either. You are welcome, and it's ok. I don't remember all of what I wrote there but maybe it's helpful. I have gained a lot of awareness with the therapy I'm in and there have been a lot of realizations. It's all painful but it's part of the process. The feeling I have about it is just sad, but that's what I'm working through. I hope you can find it- Ive no idea. |
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Post by stu on Nov 5, 2019 8:01:24 GMT
Thank you for your answer! I will try to find the thread when I come home from work! And sorry if my question made your mind go to places that maybe you don’t wanna go. I have some memories that I really don’t like to remember either. You are welcome, and it's ok. I don't remember all of what I wrote there but maybe it's helpful. I have gained a lot of awareness with the therapy I'm in and there have been a lot of realizations. It's all painful but it's part of the process. The feeling I have about it is just sad, but that's what I'm working through. I hope you can find it- Ive no idea. One thing I'm curious about and maybe you can give your opinion. Not to probe on a sensitive topic for you but does de activation for you only happen with one particular person? Or is it like your whole system shutting down as a whole ? I ask because my ex with disorganized attachment seemed to only de activate from me but be perfectly okay otherwise. Being happy and social with others and gernally acting over all unaffected besides her connection to me. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2019 13:34:04 GMT
I don't experience deactivation as an on/off switch,, it's perhaps more like a volume or tuning dial. I don't know if that's how disorganized /FA experience it, that probably varies by individual also depending on degree of avoidance or anxiety. This is not a one size fits all, I think all attachment reaction also occurs on a spectrum. This makes sense considering the interplay of the sympathetic nervous system. It's in flux, and variable at any moment. It's all processes.
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