He's now double texted Nov 4, 2019 23:45:42 GMT
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2019 23:45:42 GMT
I’ve had that lesson (again, recently) that I have to learn to be just friends with a woman.
I think that can happen with humans in general, although it's prominent in AP. I could be wrong but it seems like disillusionment happens all through the spectrum including secure to some extent.
I have a question though, if you don't mind answering. I have felt disillusioned before about not having love returned, my nervous system and emotional/cognitive response was to withdraw, deactivate.
For you, if you have an AP drive to connect and it's thwarted, as FA, do you deactivate or do you chase and seek relief with the person?
Earlier you said you wouldn't chew me out in the scenario described, you'd withdraw and feel pain, so I am guessing that is the answer-, but maybe that's just in that particular scenario.
I get confused, because sometimes the misunderstanding about DA is that we don't love, or don't want connection, or don't have that interpersonal stress of neediness but underlying it all, we do. We just have an opposite reaction. than the anxious drive to connect. And, we consistently withdraw through good or bad so that withdrawal gets misinterpreted. That's the go to. Just like anxiety to connect is the go to for AP, and FA has a disorganized approach of either/or.
There was a time I was deactivated from my partner but feeling sad about that, and when my therapist asked me if that sadness had any longing to it at all, I said no. There was no longing for him, I was sad and withdrawn but absolutely no drive to repair or wish for him to come get me. That's the futility response of my deactivation. There is no longing, only loss and stillness in order to be able to regroup.
Sometimes deactivation is because things are good. Sometimes it's because things are intolerably bad. Can't figure that out from the outside, you'll get it wrong most likely!