|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 22, 2019 23:36:24 GMT
Thank you Serenity. He replied tonight basically saying he saw it coming, I pushed the wrong button, he has been here before and there is nothing else to say. The message was long but he said I pulled the rug, I triggered him and who knows how things could have been if I had not said "I'm out". I asked to speak on the phone and he said he needed to clear his head first. Go away for the weekend. TBH I woke up there and then. I've heard him talk and blame past partners and even his other kids for doing him wrong. I understand subconsciously he has gone for abusive women, but I felt in that moment, that after giving myself to him (it's taken me 40 years to fall in love) that he had dismissed all my support. I felt like he had laid trip wires for me. I actually said I thought nobody would meet his expectations and he was waiting for me to mess up, so he could say "yep they are all the same." I explained I was heartbroken and I'd never demanded or put on him. My energy levels are so depleted that his response actually triggered what little self respect I have. I know I'm far from perfect but I've been relentless in giving to this guy when he can't regulate himself. Then he said he needs time this weekend to clear his head. I thought, wow, he's hurting, but cant commit, I'm breaking and love him. How messed up is this?! He can have his space and if he comes back I shall set boundaries. In the mean time I need to get a grip and be happy with myself. Ironically before I met him, I was pretty happy on my own. It's all like the matrix! No relationship is perfect, but to blame others without looking within... I still adore him. I suppose if it's meant to be, it will be. I'm sorry for your pain Ju  The honeymoon with an Avoidant is usually wonderful. They are their most present, available, attentive, and connected. You really don't see the severity of their aversion for intimacy during that time. So the swift backoff when the honeymoon is over is not only confusing, but agonising for most partners, who don't see it coming You really couldn't have done anything about it, its his attachment system that causes this. It sucks that part of that includes blaming partners for his avoidance due to lack of awareness. Don't take that onboard though; it doesn't matter if your are perfectly chill, accepting, have prior awareness... the swift detachment after the honeymoon happens anyway. Reading resources like this can help set your expectations realistically, and help set boundaries if they return. This one helped me a lot (though I do not identify with the term `love addict'): www.loveaddictionhelp.com/12-distancing-strategies-the-love-avoidant-uses-to-avoid-intimacy |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2019 23:57:58 GMT
While it's helpful to acknowledge the pain and dysfunction in both partners of a toxic relationship such as this, perhaps the most useful dysfunction to gain insight into is your own, described in the Love Addict article on the same website as the article on avoidants referenced above. Your description of this relationship and your focus on him throughout is far from healthy, on your end as well as on his. It takes two to create an imbalanced dynamic such as you describe, not just one. Understanding and healing your own narratives and dysfunctional relationship behaviors will be key in moving forward with increased awareness and emotional health, hopefully resulting in your ability to choose an emotionally available partner. Best of luck!! www.loveaddictionhelp.com/the-love-addict |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 23, 2019 0:33:39 GMT
I'm unsure you could call someone who hasn't fallen in love at all for 40 years love addicted.
I don't see her as having chosen him for being unavailable at all; he was available, and that's who she fell in love with. Now she is hurt because he flipped to unavailable suddenly. Just my take.
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Nov 23, 2019 0:38:43 GMT
Your description of this relationship and your focus on him throughout is far from healthy, on your end as well as on his. It takes two to create an imbalanced dynamic such as you describe, not just one. Mostly I see ju overly blaming herself and her own AP-ness, while viewing him as "amazing" and "perfect." Nowhere do I see her implying that only he created this dynamic. Hi everyone. I'm absolutely devastated that my protest behaviour has back fired. I've been seeing this amazing guy for just over 3 months. He has suffered chaotic childhood trauma and gone onto abusive relationships. We seemed like solemates, both difficult childhoods and life experiences. He seemed very self aware as I am. Everything was going great although he talked about his abusive ex reliving it over and over. I reassured him non of his past was his fault and I put all my energy into trying to sooth his anxiety. He has an ongoing custody battle with ex over his son who he adores. Unfortunately he became more and more distant and all he talked to me about was his ex and fear of loosing his son. It started to consume him and I put more and more energy into trying to sooth him. The shift in his energy away from me triggered my insecurities but I kept quiet. I also realised I was falling in love, but he kept saying he wanted to take things slowly as his ex demanded his time and commitment. I kept saying he didn't need to feel he had to see me. I put his needs first above my own and kept my ever growing anxiety hidden. If he did notice my mood shift, I'd explain I felt he was going distant and he just kept saying he was scared of loosing his son, then start retelling the ex story. When he was with me he would be on his phone online shopping (he is a shopaholic) or games. I started to feel ignored and it all came to a head on Sunday. I was in a high state of anxiety and felt an overwhelming fear he didn't care about me and all the little red flags triggered the worst dysfunctional behaviour. I explained I was in love with him but felt ignored and like he was distant when together. He said nothing. I said I was afraid of getting hurt and he said he wouldn't hurt me, but I said that his lack of emotions were hurting me as he was so closed. I was met with silence and out of pure desperation I said "I'm out" and at this he left. I regretted it and I've tried to contact him explaining why I said what I did and how sorry I am. He has responded with coldness and seems like a stranger. He said I'd said I was out and I'm playing games which his ex did. I sent him a video on anxious and fear avoident relationships that described us and our behaviours perfectly, hoping it would help him see why I reacted the way I did. I just wanted him to tell me he cared for me. I am absolutely filled with self loathing because of my behaviour and the fact it has caused him to abandon me, which I feared anyway. How can I get through to him that I'm sorry? Has anyone any experience of fear avoident types? I cant eat or sleep and I'm obsessively thinking about him every waking second. I feel like I'm going mad. Have I messed up and lost the guy I think is perfect for me in every other way? Please help |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Nov 23, 2019 0:41:45 GMT
I'm unsure you could call someone who hasn't fallen in love at all for 40 years love addicted. I don't see her as having chosen him for being unavailable at all; he was available, and that's who she fell in love with. Now she is hurt because he flipped to unavailable suddenly. Just my take. That's a good point that she's not always AP, but general advice for APs or "love addicts" can likely still be useful because at this moment she is triggered AP and at this moment he is unavailable. Also what gave you the impression he ever acted very available? He would always talk about his ex and his custody battle and said he wanted to take things slowly. And she was always stuffing down her needs and worries. EDIT: Someone who only felt in love once in 40 years may want to read about avoidance as well, in case they are someone who is normally avoidant who just got triggered anxious this time. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Nov 23, 2019 0:43:04 GMT
He was emotionally unavailable the whole time. Being present during the honeymoon period doesn't = available. He has a lifetime of trauma he hasn't dealt with, is involved in a custody battle, and "always knew this would happen" ie was always keeping one foot partway out. This isn't a flipped situation, as she was not getting her needs met for most of it and got outright denied as soon as she actually started speaking up. 3 months is a short time frame for this much conflict, as well.
He simply doesn't have enough to give others to be available for a committed romantic relationship at this time. It's a completely fair suggestion for the op to look inward at her contributions to the situation and what they tell her about her needs and existing past injuries that still probably need healing in order to move forward. I'd said the same.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 1:17:00 GMT
Your description of this relationship and your focus on him throughout is far from healthy, on your end as well as on his. It takes two to create an imbalanced dynamic such as you describe, not just one. Mostly I see ju overly blaming herself and her own AP-ness, while viewing him as "amazing" and "perfect." Nowhere do I see her implying that only he created this dynamic. Hi everyone. I'm absolutely devastated that my protest behaviour has back fired. I've been seeing this amazing guy for just over 3 months. He has suffered chaotic childhood trauma and gone onto abusive relationships. We seemed like solemates, both difficult childhoods and life experiences. He seemed very self aware as I am. Everything was going great although he talked about his abusive ex reliving it over and over. I reassured him non of his past was his fault and I put all my energy into trying to sooth his anxiety. He has an ongoing custody battle with ex over his son who he adores. Unfortunately he became more and more distant and all he talked to me about was his ex and fear of loosing his son. It started to consume him and I put more and more energy into trying to sooth him. The shift in his energy away from me triggered my insecurities but I kept quiet. I also realised I was falling in love, but he kept saying he wanted to take things slowly as his ex demanded his time and commitment. I kept saying he didn't need to feel he had to see me. I put his needs first above my own and kept my ever growing anxiety hidden. If he did notice my mood shift, I'd explain I felt he was going distant and he just kept saying he was scared of loosing his son, then start retelling the ex story. When he was with me he would be on his phone online shopping (he is a shopaholic) or games. I started to feel ignored and it all came to a head on Sunday. I was in a high state of anxiety and felt an overwhelming fear he didn't care about me and all the little red flags triggered the worst dysfunctional behaviour. I explained I was in love with him but felt ignored and like he was distant when together. He said nothing. I said I was afraid of getting hurt and he said he wouldn't hurt me, but I said that his lack of emotions were hurting me as he was so closed. I was met with silence and out of pure desperation I said "I'm out" and at this he left. I regretted it and I've tried to contact him explaining why I said what I did and how sorry I am. He has responded with coldness and seems like a stranger. He said I'd said I was out and I'm playing games which his ex did. I sent him a video on anxious and fear avoident relationships that described us and our behaviours perfectly, hoping it would help him see why I reacted the way I did. I just wanted him to tell me he cared for me. I am absolutely filled with self loathing because of my behaviour and the fact it has caused him to abandon me, which I feared anyway. How can I get through to him that I'm sorry? Has anyone any experience of fear avoident types? I cant eat or sleep and I'm obsessively thinking about him every waking second. I feel like I'm going mad. Have I messed up and lost the guy I think is perfect for me in every other way? Please help Precisely. The article references the tendency of an anxious partner to idealize an unavailable partner and see them not quite as they truly are (unavailable) but as they would like them to be. According to the information provided, it looks to me that OP was engaged in emotional caretaking from very early on, sacrificing her own emotional well-being for the sake of this caretaking. Falling in love with an unavailable "soulmate" and attempting to help heal them by showing needless and unconditional love, in spite of a lack of reciprocity and emotional availability, is the recipe for the anxious/avoidant dance. It does take two unhealthy people to step to this tune. Only OP can determine if she identifies with the love addict article. It's not an attack, it's offered in the spirit of illuminating what in my opinion appears to be a codependent or love addicted, anxious approach to this relationship from the get-go. Take it or leave it, as it's deemed relevant, or not. Just a perspective which may prove helpful in the avenue toward healing from this experience. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 1:21:43 GMT
He was emotionally unavailable the whole time. Being present during the honeymoon period doesn't = available. He has a lifetime of trauma he hasn't dealt with, is involved in a custody battle, and "always knew this would happen" ie was always keeping one foot partway out. This isn't a flipped situation, as she was not getting her needs met for most of it and got outright denied as soon as she actually started speaking up. 3 months is a short time frame for this much conflict, as well. He simply doesn't have enough to give others to be available for a committed romantic relationship at this time. It's a completely fair suggestion for the op to look inward at her contributions to the situation and what they tell her about her needs and existing past injuries that still probably need healing in order to move forward. I'd said the same. That's how I read it as well, unavailable and consumed by anxiety over his trauma and custody battle the entire time. She became consumed with soothing him, even as she was falling in love (or becoming traumatically attached) and developing serious anxiety. All of this is emotional unavailability and insecure relating on both sides. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 23, 2019 1:33:58 GMT
In 12 step circles, they call it having the “ism”s. Then add whatever it is, and boom! Instant addict.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 23, 2019 1:48:12 GMT
. She became consumed with soothing him, even as she was falling in love (or becoming traumatically attached) and developing serious anxiety. All of this is emotional unavailability and insecure relating on both sides. Isn’t that interesting... that’s how I see the whole “falling in love” thing, I’ve just never been able to put it into those words. I’ve been called a cynic in the past, but this is what I see in others, and what I experience in my own life, both ways. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Nov 23, 2019 2:11:41 GMT
. She became consumed with soothing him, even as she was falling in love (or becoming traumatically attached) and developing serious anxiety. All of this is emotional unavailability and insecure relating on both sides. Isn’t that interesting... that’s how I see the whole “falling in love” thing, I’ve just never been able to put it into those words. I’ve been called a cynic in the past, but this is what I see in others, and what I experience in my own life, both ways. - Yes, but “falling in love” doesn’t have to be an unhealthy experience for all couples and it isn’t...to think it’s only that way and nothing different is a cynical take. Everyone with a pulse has issues, but some issues are more severe than others and many people can give and receive love openly without feeling consumed or anxious. Hard as it may be to imagine sometimes 😉 |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Nov 23, 2019 2:29:03 GMT
Isn’t that interesting... that’s how I see the whole “falling in love” thing, I’ve just never been able to put it into those words. I’ve been called a cynic in the past, but this is what I see in others, and what I experience in my own life, both ways. - Yes, but “falling in love” doesn’t have to be an unhealthy experience for all couples and it isn’t...to think it’s only that way and nothing different is a cynical take. Everyone with a pulse has issues, but some issues are more severe than others and many people can give and receive love openly without feeling consumed or anxious. Hard as it may be to imagine sometimes 😉 Sometimes it also helps not to approach it as "falling" in love, which implies no control and feelings that just happen to you. But another way is choosing to love and deepen a relationship over time. The Good Place, a TV show of all things!, just had a very good episode and dialog about soulmates this week (basically how no one is your automatic soulmate, "people meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship"). It resonated with me as a great and succinct way to put it! |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Nov 23, 2019 2:29:34 GMT
I think the victim blaming thing can be taken a little too far. Its absolutely normal for most people to feel anxious and distressed when an avoidant who `was amazingly attentive' and `intitiated contact daily' during the honeymoon period suddenly bails. And its normal to not be able to flick love off like a switch the moment an avoidant reveals their true nature.
We all have issues, but people on the spectrum of AP attachment can go on to have very successful relationships with just a little awareness, and by choosing a more reassuring partner. They don't have to `fix themselves' up perfectly in order to succeed in relationships. They just need the right one.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Nov 23, 2019 2:40:29 GMT
mrob - Yes, but “falling in love” doesn’t have to be an unhealthy experience for all couples and it isn’t...to think it’s only that way and nothing different is a cynical take. Everyone with a pulse has issues, but some issues are more severe than others and many people can give and receive love openly without feeling consumed or anxious. Hard as it may be to imagine sometimes 😉 Sometimes it also helps not to approach it as "falling" in love, which implies no control and feelings that just happen to you. But another way is choosing to love and deepen a relationship over time. The Good Place, a TV show of all things!, just had a very good episode and dialog about soulmates this week (basically how no one is your automatic soulmate, "people meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship"). It resonated with me as a great and succinct way to put it! Absolutely@alexandra. serenity, it’s not necessarily victim blaming. It’s possible to look at all this from both sides as being a victim - of circumstances, others actions - because the bloke is too, although he doesn’t really know the gravity of it. I also see what you’re saying about adaptation. For example, I’m in the early stages of dating someone who I can see is somewhat emotionally unavailable. I have to make a decision, but I have to bear in mind my own condition. Does her condition work in with mine? Does a relationship have to conform to solid lines to work? But, I can’t expect her to be any different to how she is, right now. I take it or leave it. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 2:44:39 GMT
I think the victim blaming thing can be taken a little too far. Its absolutely normal for most people to feel anxious and distressed when an avoidant who `was amazingly attentive' and `intitiated contact daily' during the honeymoon period suddenly bails. And its normal to not be able to flick love off like a switch the moment an avoidant reveals their true nature. We all have issues, but people on the spectrum of AP attachment can go on to have very successful relationships with just a little awareness, and by choosing a more reassuring partner. They don't have to `fix themselves' up perfectly in order to succeed in relationships. They just need the right one. It's odd to me that you would refer to observations that acknowledge a potential complimentary dynamic to love avoidance (namely, love addiction) as "victim blaming". The very site you provided a link to is for the treatment of love addiction, not for "victim blaming". The "victim" and "blame" perspective that you have is different from the acknowledgement others have of a mutually created dynamic. All relationships are dynamics, between two people. In my opinion the only person seeking to lay any blame here is you, and naturally on the avoidant. In reality, they chose each other, each influenced by a heavy trauma background. If that doesn't require an amount of deep work and recovery, well then truly that's a unique situation. Unreal, in fact. |
|
The honeymoon with an Avoidant is usually wonderful. They are their most present, available, attentive, and connected. You really don't see the severity of their aversion for intimacy during that time. So the swift backoff when the honeymoon is over is not only confusing, but agonising for most partners, who don't see it coming 
