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Post by hannah99 on Dec 6, 2019 18:30:57 GMT
The guy I'm seeing is amazing in person. Kind, open, honest. Is enthusiastic about seeing me. He's complimentary. He's great.
He's just terrible at texting. He will take hours even days to reply, will leave me on read, sometimes I have to text again.
When he does reply the messages are great but it really triggers me. I've spoken to him about it but only in a half jokey way.
I know he had a very, very busy life but it really triggers some negative thoughts for me and I've considered calling things off because of it.
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 6, 2019 20:01:24 GMT
The guy I'm seeing is amazing in person. Kind, open, honest. Is enthusiastic about seeing me. He's complimentary. He's great. He's just terrible at texting. He will take hours even days to reply, will leave me on read, sometimes I have to text again. When he does reply the messages are great but it really triggers me. I've spoken to him about it but only in a half jokey way. I know he had a very, very busy life but it really triggers some negative thoughts for me and I've considered calling things off because of it. I personally would find that to be a red flag, especially since you communicated about it to him. No one is ever too busy to text back for hours or days. If anything, a text to say, hey, I'm in the middle of something but will get back to you soon is acceptable. Do they go to the bathroom? eat? brush their teeth, ever? If yes, then they have time to shoot a text. I feel like there's a bigger picture if they don't do that. Just my opinion. And no, I don't think anyone needs to reply immediately ever, unless the conversation is of an urgent nature. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 6, 2019 21:13:20 GMT
I've spoken to him about it but only in a half jokey way. I know he had a very, very busy life but it really triggers some negative thoughts for me and I've considered calling things off because of it. Before you call anything off, speak to him about it for real. No jokes, not lightly, just be direct and honest. Being in a relationship involves figuring out if you have compatible conflict resolution skills. |
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Post by hannah99 on Dec 6, 2019 23:49:26 GMT
Yeah I'll try to discuss it with him.
I know he is like it with his friends too and he works around 60 hours a week.
I think if I needed him to reply urgently he would. And if it's about making plans I always hear back.
I'm just worried it's more my problem than his or means we're not compatible.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2019 1:04:06 GMT
hannah99 , even as an avoidant I hate not receiving a reply, and I mean in a reasonable time. I consider texting to be pretty lame overall but it's got its benefits, with lifestyle considerations. But even though it's text, it is a bid for communication, and ought to be returned as a courtesy. ALL OF THAT SAID, my partner is a terrible texter. I've come to know that he is not disrespectful, or trying to blow me off. He also works 60 hours a week in a very intense business, takes care of both aging parents who are divorced, and a sick family member who is near the end of life. So, his days are literally slamming him with bids for communication. He literally can't keep up with every text, phone call, and message that comes in. I've seen the onslaught when we are together and it would be unbearable for me. So, we have had to learn each other and grow trust and security over time with this. I may not need much, haha! But I do need to know I am not being ignored or manipulated or disrespected. For the most part we both prefer phone convo but that too has to fit in at the right time. He is like me in that after being engaged intensely for hours he needs to have silence and no engagement, too. So- it's all a matter of communication, consistency with other aspects of the relationship over time, trusting each other and tolerating real life impingements. This is why I actually fully agree with both NYC and alexandra . There are some exceptions that actually do get in the way- but they aren't that common and there is a lot of disrespect and failure to respond that isn't justified by life, it's just avoidance. So, I support the idea of an authentic, problem solving conversation just as alexandra proposed and for the same reasons- if you can address these things and come to trust and understanding with a person who is truly interested in partnering with you in a way that helps you feel cared for and important, well... that's what we all strive for. It's great growth to be able to see what is uncomfortable, name it. and address it without making assumptions. See what happens, and it's a forward step no matter what to resolve it in a healthy way with honest discussion and openness to his response. Good luck!
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Post by mrob on Dec 7, 2019 5:49:46 GMT
Terrible texting.... the gift that keeps on giving. The amount of times this is mentioned on this board is colossal. I’ve been triggered both ways in the last two years with this. I have my own business with employees and customers going 24/7, I have 50/50 shared care if my daughter, I don’t get “a couple of minutes” often. When I pick my phone up, it rings. The multiple platforms that demand attention I find suffocating. I’ll tell you that if I’m pushed into a corner, I will retreat. I’m afraid a relationship comes further down the order these days. I’ve had to self soothe, and take this medicine myself at times. I’m with alexandra though. Broaching the subject will reveal both of your conflict resolution skills and allow you to make a decision. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2019 15:22:58 GMT
I didn't even think about how often you might be texting, or if it's excessive, so maybe my reply isn't helpful. We use text to make brief contact over a plan, or to touch base and say "hi!" - or to give a little encouraging message about an issue the other might be facing. If one of us reaches out and doesn't get a reply we call, because really we are trying to connect even if only briefly. We like regular contact as we don't see each other as often as we would like due to our schedules. I was thinking just about our situation and what works for us- we aren't heavy texters. Without cell phones people conducted relationships all the time and like I said I think texting is kind of lame especially if used as a primary or without phone conversations.
So, all I'm saying is it also can be that the texting volume is too much for him and he is being nice- making sure to answer the "important" stuff but letting the fluff go. He may not be bothered , or he may just not feel comfortable making a little boundary or hurting your feelings. It would be good to ask what his preferences are, too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2019 15:38:33 GMT
Hey, since we are all up in here trying to figure things out, we could help each other understand what happens when a bid for connection goes unanswered. For me, I go avoidant. Think all the deactivating thoughts. Attachment turns off. I give up.
What happens inside an anxious or disorganized? I don't understand the anxious side of FA, or what is happening inside an AP if they don't get an answer?
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Post by alexandra on Dec 8, 2019 20:10:41 GMT
Hey, since we are all up in here trying to figure things out, we could help each other understand what happens when a bid for connection goes unanswered. For me, I go avoidant. Think all the deactivating thoughts. Attachment turns off. I give up. What happens inside an anxious or disorganized? I don't understand the anxious side of FA, or what is happening inside an AP if they don't get an answer? Why am I not getting a response? What's going on? Am I being ignored? Am I not a priority to this person? Probably not, they just don't like me enough... but wait, maybe they're busy. Or maybe they had an accident! Oh, probably not an accident. But I'd answer right away. I must have done something, this is my fault. How do I fix it and make it right? Maybe they forgot to answer since I'm not a priority. I'll remind them, but I'll have to come off as really cool about it, or maybe apologetic, no worries and no pressure about responding! Except I really, really hope you do, and since it's my fault you're ignoring me, there must be something I can try to do, and do better, to get a response. And I'm going to panic and ruminate on this until I hear from you, but you'll never know, and I'll feel deep relief if I get back even just a couple word response. But why am I so needy and can't I just be chill and not care like everyone else??? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2019 20:49:35 GMT
Oh my, we all have our insecure take, dont we? Although I don't relate to all that you alexandra and @janedoe expressed above, I have my own spin. I can only relate this to my current situation with another avoidant- I never had the chance to deactivate around "not reciprocated" with anxious partners. Ok, so here goes my insecure dismissive reaction, of an actual bid for connection isn't met: Hey wait. I didn't get a response. It's been hours. What's up?... Well, he must be having a busy day, I hope it's not awful for him. (more time passes, hours.) (I reach out, again- text or call. I know he's been busy, he always is. He might have a moment now to ping me back. I'm still basically ok and just giving it another shot. ) No reply? Thoughts start slowing coming together, I'm slowing going to slide into the ditch if I'm feeling triggered. Is this how you let me know you aren't into me? I'm an idiot for being involved like this, why does this matter? I don't know why, but it does. I hate that it does. I hope he's ok, I feel confused, I don't know if I should be mad about being dissed or supportive because he's having a shit time. You know what? Fuck this, it's exhausting . This is why I keep to myself. I'm sad and confused and angry and I'm sick of someone else having the power to do that to me. I gave it to him. I'm taking it back. By this time, I'm turned off. I feel sad and distracted and am resolved to not letting it matter. Eventually it won't. It will sting but it will be my lesson to learn. So, it's a big pain in the ass, and gets in the way of just having a normal rapport. It causes me to think negatively about my partner. It triggers my wound of being invisible. He gets insecure if I don't reply (I don't do that on purpose- maybe my ringer is off or whatever. He's more persistent. I don't give him the chance to get sideways, it's usually not difficult for me to respond because my life isn't too much in the way.) I've had to let him know that inconsistency and doubt throw me offline and I get stressed and go away, so we avoid that best we can now. It just shuts me down, and I don't like the stress of it. Of course I know, that I could easily deactivate the other way with too much contact. My reaction to interpersonal stress in a relationship is deactivation, for the most part, at least when it's not secure. I'm not avoidant 100% of the time, it depends on what all is going on. If I have a lot going on and I'm busy and deactivated from outside stressors, not getting a reply from him in a day won't impact me much because I already have tunnel vision. I think a fundamental difference between the styles is avoidant isn't blaming themselves, other than for trusting or caring. It's just different facets of insecurity. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2019 20:51:02 GMT
On the texting front, in general, I have learned, some people are not good texters. They may be super interested in engaging with you in person, but aren't very engaged via phone or are distracted with their in person life. I disagree completely that this is a red flag. Having said that, I know I need someone who texts. Because I am avoidant in person. Part of it is that I am busy with work, and sometimes when drained by work, I'm hesitant to then rush to see someone I like. So I need to remain connected to a person via text. I will lose interest if someone does not text me. I definitely need and thrive with consistency - it builds trust for me. Without that I can't stick with it. I lose interest too, because it's too emotionally destabilizing. I'd rather be alone than confused. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 8, 2019 20:56:23 GMT
@janedoe, when I dated an avoidant last spring, he was upfront before we even started in telling me that he's a terrible texter and even assumed I probably am good about it (he had no evidence either way yet -- I'm good if I answer right way, otherwise I forget, so I try to answer as soon as I see it). It was actually very, very helpful to hear this upfront, especially as I didn't know he was avoidant yet. Even if I'm secure, I still don't like it taking more than a day at most to respond to a question if it's not just chit chat. Or not hearing anything for more than a couple days. Personal preference. But him taking responsibility upfront just set my expectations properly so that I wasn't wondering or getting insecure about it. And while we were seeing each other, he always eventually answered in some capacity (usually within a day or two), so that felt secure enough to me for early dating with a self-proclaimed bad texter avoidant who knew my stance on texting.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 8, 2019 21:00:42 GMT
I hope he's ok, I feel confused, I don't know if I should be mad about being dissed or supportive because he's having a shit time. It's this. This is the same, but AP goes for the latter, "I should be more supportive," every time. Because other is better than self and must be doing the right thing, and the AP feels they deserve however they're treated. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 8, 2019 21:02:55 GMT
(Also because it's awkward to feel mad at someone who knows better than you for things they've done -- cue dysfunctional projection / survival defense mechanism from caretaker relationship.)
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Post by serenity on Dec 8, 2019 21:31:15 GMT
Why am I not getting a response? What's going on? Am I being ignored? Am I not a priority to this person? Probably not, they just don't like me enough... but wait, maybe they're busy. Or maybe they had an accident! Oh, probably not an accident. But I'd answer right away. I must have done something, this is my fault. How do I fix it and make it right? Maybe they forgot to answer since I'm not a priority. I'll remind them, but I'll have to come off as really cool about it, or maybe apologetic, no worries and no pressure about responding! Except I really, really hope you do, and since it's my fault you're ignoring me, there must be something I can try to do, and do better, to get a response. And I'm going to panic and ruminate on this until I hear from you, but you'll never know, and I'll feel deep relief if I get back even just a couple word response. But why am I so needy and can't I just be chill and not care like everyone else??? This kind of sounds like low self esteem (thought processes) rather than anxiety (feeling). When dealing with someone who doesn't like texting much, you can lessen anxiety via adjusting your own texting style with them (eg. mirroring), and chatting to communicative friends regularly IMO. |
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