Triggered by a terrible texter

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Hey lovebunny,

Your post triggered something in me, I wanted to share with you. I dated a girl just briefly, and it was an amazing and enlightening experience for me. She was a nurturer and deep thinker who could communicate deeply as well, full of love. I've never swung so avoidant in my life, and its something I've thought about often in my life. The girl I loved, I remember waking up beside her the first time we slept together, and I couldn't stop crying. I mean i was doubled up, sobbing. And my friend woke up and was gently wiping my tears, the look in her eyes was full of compassion and love I'd never seen before. I didn't know what to say at the time, so she took me out to breakfast and she talked to me about her feelings and care for me, while mentally I checked out and diminished her. I even knew I was doing it but I didn't know why. I gradually checked out of the relationship as well, and hurt her. To this day I think of her as the most important and wonderful love I'd ever experienced, and I respect her as a first class human being. 

I think what was happening for me is my mother didn't love me and chronically neglected me or tore me apart. I can only think of one time my whole life when I experienced a small glimpse of motherly compassion from her. Our family was on a long road trip, it was a big family with 6 kids. I was one of the oldest and had been relegated to babysitter and house servant, chronically a nobody, doing cartwheels in every aspect of my life vying to be the `less abused' one. During the road trip I vomited many times from car sickness , and after a few hours i was starving and dangerously dehydrated, and finally told my mother I was hungry and needed water. So she made my Dad stop the car, she took me out to the back of the car, and gave me water, and gave me a boiled egg to eat. 

I can't remember a time before, or after that, where i felt nurtured by her or responded to.

And it was this thought that was going through my head, as my girl friend wiped tears from my eyes. She reminded me of something important I needed most of my life, and only one time got. And the pain of feeling that gaping loss, together with my immaturity,  made me push her way. I often wish I didn't.
Without her, i would not have gone on to accept loving nurturing future partners, nor properly dealt with my relationship with my mother. She changed my life, more than anyone else did.