Triggered by a terrible texter

Not to be disrespectful, but seriously it's as if you post on this insecure attachment forum with absolutely no awareness of ambivalent (AP) attachment.  Alexandra's post fits the pattern of low self worth and anxious thought patterns to a T.

Do you make any distinction between general anxiety and attachment anxiety?

www.psychalive.org/understanding-ambivalent-anxious-attachment/

Hahahaha! I got so confused when K told me that I'm so DISMISSIVE, it didn't occur to me that saying "Fuck this, it's exhausting" inside my head, was so apparent from the outside.  I thought - YOU'RE the dismissive one! 

Good thing we talk stuff out, this wouldn't go anywhere.  It's crazy how blind you can be to your own stuff that is blantantly obvious from the outside.  Many times he will see me not caring when actually I am caring to a painful degree.  So I make sure to be honest about all that, it's a learning curve. 

Ive read that avoidant infants have measurably the same amount of actual anxiety on the inside as anxious ones- they just look oblivious.  I get that to a point- the cognitive narratives are pretty different but it took me a long time to actually feel the distress that I was walling off instinctively. 

Also- the difference of unconscious vs conscious fears-
avoidants consciously fearing being controlled, or overwhelmed; and unconsciously fearing abandonment.

Ambivalent; consciously fearing abandonment, and unconsciously fearing being controlled or overwhelmed? is that true?

I know that I didn't realize my fear of abandonment until recently- only it's not a fear of being left or rejected as much as a fear of loss from catastrophe- death or something.  So, not related to not being good enough, related to being destined to be alone- like the fates have ruled and enforced it. An immutable law. 

Is it? I love when you give me little bits of info like this, I am always trying to understand the differences. 
I've thought before, that because I want connection I just must be FA.... but then it was pointed out to me that that is normal, it's dismissive of me to deny and suppress it to the degree I do.  When I put it on paper what I actually do to avoid it, it's clearly dismissive.

But I am still mystified about what goes on in others minds- forever I thought everyone was like me.  How confusing when you find out that one of hear things is not like the others... and it's you.  Lol. !! 

Yes, it's very cool to work through this with the right person. It's not the same as the AP/avoidant thing.  It's been rough at points in its own way, but the level of basic similarity and understanding has been a foundation for better rapport than I could achieve with AP.  Also I don't feel attacked or accused, I feel misunderstood sometimes but so does he, we just are able to tackle it more effectively over time.  There is a level of sweetness and empathy and camaraderie between us that enables us to bond especially after we work through something together. 

I had no awareness of an abandonment fear, until more recently.  I have always had a sense that I couldn't get confortable because the other shoe was about to drop- but like I said that wasn't about the other person dropping the shoe.  It was more like a natural disaster of bad luck would strike me out of the blue.  I'm sure I experienced a lot of that as a kid- not being able to just trust, good outcomes were not the norm at all and I really felt left to fend for myself in difficulty. Or when things were decent, for that matter.  

I don't know if it's a fear of abandonment as much as a fear of putting my weight onto something (someone) that won't be able to be there for me.  That's nothing surprising about DA I guess... a fundamental conditioning that says I have to gut this out alone, the good and the bad.  I understand now that'a not the case but it's a pervasive status quo, automatic reflex, the level my blood finds when I lie down to sleep.  It's so powerful and deep.  I just try to dismiss that, too.  I find that if I just keep showing up and doing what I'm learning to do, I feel positively reinforced by empathetic response from him, and from my friends, and others.  So I just am training myself in a new way, a better way.  Still sometimes it breaks my heart to be so vulnerable.  But what's the option? It's not the best option, to be on an island cut off, without help, without comfort from people, without the richness of a shared experience . There is no way I could have understood that, before the long journey of awareness.  I guess it would be like trying to describe an orange to someone who never tasted or saw an orange, and couldn't possibly crave it because what they eat is beans.  All beans, all the time.  Beans are good. Hearty, filling, sustaining.   But they aren't alive and juicy like an orange.  Once you have an orange you know that beans aren't everything

It is incredible. I have explanations for my own responses to situations. It doesn't stop the responses from happening, doesn't stop me from getting scared or mad (generally related to fear as well), but I can deal with them better. In addition, I find that amazingly quickly I can see where other people are, and understand their responses. It's astonishingly predictable. And for the first time in my life, I can trim my sails and make decisions for me.

AP isn't the same as generalized anxiety. I'm describing an example of being AP and negative narrative that can follow when being triggered by a lack of bid for communication response (in this case, texting). I used to adjust my texting to simply mirror my dates, and it did nothing to quell the triggering because it wasn't addressing the underlying problem at all (which for AP is fear of abandonment compounded by low self esteem in relation to those people you're AP with). It just masked the problem better to whoever I was hoping would text me.

I eventually worked through it as part of the process of earning secure and addressing my AP nervous system triggers. But since that's time consuming to recondition, in the meantime, the upsetting response the OP is having is because it's a new relationship and not yet on stable ground. She's afraid if she tells him how she feels, he'll tell her something she doesn't want to hear or he'll leave. But not talking to him about it is making her want to end it instead because she doesn't want a new relationship that potentially won't meet her texting needs and will trigger her. Before she makes that decision, the secure thing to do is simply tell him what she needs and see what happens. Even if it doesn't go well, it's baby steps in the reconditioning process to see that it won't be the end of the world if you speak up, which will be confidence in the self and in communicating honestly with others. So it's a positive step forward no matter the outcome.

This also assumes the person is aware of what's going on and that there are projections of less conscious triggers at work. That's often not the case.