Update / FA expresses wanting to be together

Question is, will he vapourise when you try and escalate it? Is this simply the closing of the FA cycle?

 I can relate a lot to your story (or what I have read so far). I will catch up on your other posts as I think they might give me insight on what to do next! Thank you

I think it was perfectly reasonable of you to suggest that you talk when you get back. It seems like it will be really helpful to hear more about what he's been going through in person, especially since you haven't seen him for so long.

The problem with going along with this line of thinking is the idea of having “influence” over another person’s actions and reactions...something that those with AP have to be very aware of....the whole...but if I do “this” maybe he will do “that”.  Just stay true to who you are Caroline.  His actions and reactions are going to based on his internal system just as yours are based on your own.  Put another way...if he does not do the work on his own stuff...it will not matter how easy, open, caring you are....he will still likely be triggered by some internal stuff.

Mrob....I appreciate that as an FA male....there is this “I am reacting to an escalation” storyline....but...I have seen this same story play out with secure friends of mine....so, I do believe that sometimes, it is a perceived escalation rather than a true one....especially for those who do not look at their own stuff.

I also believe the very worst thing that can be said to someone with an AP attachment is...”you caused me to react how I did”.  It has taken decades for me to stop trying to play the game...be the person I think the other person wants me to be without any consideration for myself.  It just perpetuates the myth that if I could only be....”different”...then I can get what I want.  It creates a relationship built on transactions versus helping each other become the best individuals they can be.

So sorry for you, Caroline. Really wanted to see you succeed with your FA date when I could not in a similar situations. Looks like it is rare to find any happy endings in these stories :/

I am starting to realize that if there ever is a chance for couples like us to work, we will need many years of separation and no contact, and the FA in therapy. Then it just Might happen in a "future world", if both are still single. But until then, open yourself to other possibilites, don't get stuck in potential, face reality.

I'm sorry, caro. Back when stuck in the cycles, I had my two FA exes come back to rekindle with words of longing and kisses+ to back them up. Both then ran away scared within a week-- one straight up "taking it back" that he'd initiated things again, the other making excuses about why what happened was actually meaningless to him. Both said it had never meant we were getting back together (the latter later got back together, then within two weeks ran off again, eventually calling reconciling a "mistake").

While I had not understood attachment yet in these situations (the utterly painful end of the flip in the last situation taught it to me), so I was still making myself available and hoping something would change if they discovered their feelings for me were strong enough, I had a clear view into the lives of these guys and knew they hadn't done any self-improvement yet (and still haven't, years and years later, as I'm still just friendly with both).

I did recognize these two situations were very reminiscent of each other, and it was not lost on me that at the simplest level they played out in the exact same way. I'd say you can try to take away this for now, and then keep yourself on your front-burner until you've healed and moved on enough to decide if you want to stay friends with him without expecting anything else will ever happen: it's not you. He's validated your belief that he has feelings for you -- he does. The connection exists. But he has a faulty enough operating system that it's not enough, and it's bad timing (in both your attachment / mental health journies). There's nothing to be done about that, and while it's not your fault, it's okay to let go of the potential.

He may eventually still say what he has on his mind. He needs to do that without any prodding or shaping the situation from you, though hear him out if he does. But without him taking that initiative solely on his own, showing you his words and actions match consistently over months, and showing you concrete steps that he's really done work for real change, you're going to have to take his words and intentions with a grain of salt and expect he's going to keep flipping until he has his life under control.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but his failure to follow through indicates where he's currently at in his process (which is, at the beginning). It doesn't reflect on you, but it does indicate you should keep building yourself up and not hang your hat on this guy.

caro
Being direct is really important as you've stated and many times it will be out of your comfort zone, but one thing it may be worth bearing in mind is that in relationships with people who run hot and cold, the dynamic is such that it can be really really difficult to hold yourself firm in your behaviour because you're consistently blindsided. Normal relationships are just not that difficult and don't require constant second guessing and navigating.

When you're met with vagueness on one side of the relationship it is really very difficult to steer a straight course - and don't blame yourself for his behaviour or take things personally.

I have been there and found myself behaving in a way I really didn't like - but with hindsight it was very difficult to be different without totally distancing myself emotionally - and I didn't want a relationship where emotional distance was required to keep me safe.