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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 20:51:05 GMT
Does this all still seem like avoidant attachment on his part? Or just bad luck, only my problem?
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Post by alexandra on Feb 10, 2020 21:10:10 GMT
Does this all still seem like avoidant attachment on his part? Or just bad luck, only my problem? None of these relationships are solely one-sided. Both partners contribute to the problems, and both need to confront and work through their own issues individually. You have problems, he has problems, you're too busy blaming yourself to really work through your problems yet, he's too busy avoiding his problems to confront them. The relationship ended because it's mutually not viable. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 21:14:14 GMT
I'm literally living in absolute fear and panic that I sabotaged the best thing to ever happen to me. We were about to be engaged and married.
It scares the crap out of me that his next relationship will be the one he marries and puts all the extra effort into, when it should have been us. Literally it's my biggest anxiety.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 10, 2020 22:47:19 GMT
I'm literally living in absolute fear and panic that I sabotaged the best thing to ever happen to me. We were about to be engaged and married. It scares the crap out of me that his next relationship will be the one he marries and puts all the extra effort into, when it should have been us. Literally it's my biggest anxiety. Hey lostinlove...one of the worst “gifts” of being AP is that your mind singularly focuses on a narrative where you are bad, wrong, responsible...you lost out on the greatest guy since sliced bread. It is important to know that all of that resides in your mind only....it is this horrible funhouse where you cannot see the distorted mirrors...but you are acting as if they are not distorted. I too wonder if missed out on a “normal” guy who acted avoidant only because of me and now he is giving someone else the “perfect” relationship. The thing is...thinking this way ignores a whole bunch of wounds and issues he had while we were dating...and I suspect your situation is similar. I hope you will find the courage to call out the distorted thoughts for what they are. Hugs. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 10, 2020 22:50:39 GMT
I know it seems like I'm maybe over reacting the whole thing. But I seriously have never dealt with someone just throwing me away like this. It's so painful. I feel like I was deserving of a face to face break up and closure atleast. But maybe he didnt because he tried getting out so many other times and "you never changed like you said you would". I tell myself maybe he isnt avoidant and just simply hasnt found the "right one" to give emotional intimacy to since he hasnt done much dating himself. Obviously me and my anxiety would scare a man off. My own insecurities. That I scared him off and with my fits of "acting out" when things werent right. He always told me I was "crazy" or he couldnt deal with my anxieties. A lady told me this morning too that our relationship would be doomed because he is very atheist and I am a Christian girl. I still hold hope some day he will stop ignoring me. It hurts so much. 😔 And yet here you are ignoring all of us. You have seventeen people telling you the truths they have learned the hard way and yet you choose to ignore. Actually...AP ruminating isn’t a choice...it looks like it is...but the tapes are very, very difficult to interrupt. |
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Post by doctora on Feb 10, 2020 22:54:54 GMT
Can you pleeeaasseee take a deep breath, and try to re-read what people have written here. I completely understand what you’re going through. You’re spinning your wheels, you’re hurt. BUT, please, take heart in what everyone here has told you. You did NOT just ruin the best thing you had going for you. I know it seems that way. How much have you read about AP/DA dynamics that last for years?  If anything, you saved yourself years of pain, because either way, you have the gift of understanding what’s really going on here. Thats power. You are over-blaming yourself and he is under-blaming himself and over blaming you as well. May I ask you a question - what right now would comfort you? Knowing that he’ll never get better for another girl? Or if he took accountability, or understood that he’s dismissive? What would make it easier for you to take a step forward in feeling good about this? |
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Post by doctora on Feb 10, 2020 22:58:09 GMT
And yet here you are ignoring all of us. You have seventeen people telling you the truths they have learned the hard way and yet you choose to ignore. Actually...AP ruminating isn’t a choice...it looks like it is...but the tapes are very, very difficult to interrupt. Yes. I am a “recovering” AP and I still have a lot of trouble with ruminating. The script has changed as I’ve gained more understanding and I’m quicker to self soothe, but it’s required a LOT of repetition and reinforcement. I trust that what we say here will have an effect for sure, albeit not immediate. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 23:04:23 GMT
Comfort? Him coming back and hopefully working through this.
Maybe closure that I never got. Wondering why it seems like I'm the worst human ever.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 23:18:51 GMT
Another question. The reason I was so AP in this relationship, is it only because of his avoidant attachment style, or are APs like that in a "normal" or "healthy" relationship with a secure person?
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 23:22:41 GMT
I just link this all to him being new to dating and relationships, he just doesnt know how to deal with problems when they arise. He seems to "punish". Yes he is almost 39, but he traveled alot for work for a long time, and started building a house and is now ready to settle.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 10, 2020 23:27:28 GMT
I tell myself maybe he isnt avoidant and just simply hasnt found the "right one" to give emotional intimacy to since he hasnt done much dating himself. Obviously me and my anxiety would scare a man off. My own insecurities. That I scared him off and with my fits of "acting out" when things werent right. Both things can be true at once. He IS avoidant, AND you have some work you need to do on yourself. The FA that brought me to this board dumped me after our first fight, while we had a vacation planned, and just 2 days after making love to me all night long. My "worst fear" came true when she immediately got in a relationship with the woman I'd accused her of being attracted to (she'd denied it.) Now it's true that she was avoidant, no normal person jettisons an 8 1/2 long relationship out of the blue after one fight. What's also true? Some of the stuff she used to justify her breaking up with me. I can be uncompromising. I was vying for attention during a time when she was immensely stressed with work. That's stuff I need to work on....but for the NEXT person, not her. Avoidants are always going to find a reason to withdraw. It's what they do. It's not your job to be perfect for anyone. You know what? Nothing really bad will happen to you if he gets in another relationship. You've already been through the worst (cancelling the wedding--ugh. I can only imagine what a big ball of stress that was.) Your job right now is to learn to regulate your emotions so you can move forward. I'm rooting for you!! |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 23:43:24 GMT
What does it take for an avoidant to finally "settle" or find the "spark" or right person? Especially if they arent doing therapy. Just finding the right person? A secure person? Time?
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Post by doctora on Feb 10, 2020 23:51:23 GMT
You know people who never settle down? Or those guys who seem to have a string of girlfriends well into their 60s? Or someone who dates until theyre super tired of it and settles down with someone who is submissive and who they cohabitate with and doesn't ever challenge them and theyre always gone? Those people are probably avoidant.
They can't have a lasting spark with anyone, and if they do, I'm pretty sure they would repeatedly abandon that person and come back, thus keeping them distant enough for a spark to reappear (for them). It's really sad. It's not healthy.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 11, 2020 0:04:57 GMT
The thing is, he wasnt gone much. We spent alot of time together. Although he did have alot of alone time when he wasnt working at the farm during the day while I was gone at work, but we spent almost every weekend or evening together. He would only leave when there was conflict. Or I would. Because I didnt give him enough space he would say.
I never really "challenged" him. Anytime he would leave or kick me out for a couple days I was just so happy we were back together that I never said anything. I think we were probably very codependent though.
He seems like he absolutely wants nothing to do with me. Blocking me everywhere. He is still friends with my friends and family on Facebook though, which is odd and lately has been "liking" their posts more supposedly. When we were together he told me he never goes back to exs or even considers it. But his longest relationship before me was 3 months. Do you think with us being longer, theres a better chance he will come back? His last email to me said "I dont ever see us getting back together, and I have zero interest in ever dating you or being friends in the future".
I think since I was his first "long term" relationship, he thinks he can do better and find someone he wont have any conflict with. And maybe he will. Yet I always welcomed him back and wanted to work on things when he wanted out, and I dont think everyone will do that or put up with that if he continues to "just want out". I think he just threatened to leave or wanted away so he could find someone new. I try and tell myself that even though I was really anxious, he wont find someone as supportive as I was, especially with his farming and long hours away, unpredictable schedules, and dealing with him not knowing what to do in relationships since hes not experienced. His lack of deep emotional connection.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 11, 2020 0:16:48 GMT
lostinlove, it sounds like you've completely allowed him to define your reality. What's keeping you from taking more control over your narrative? Why is this so black and white and what he says goes? This conflict with him would be endless if you got married. He'd act more and more avoidant. Nothing would magically change and make him loving and present. He did you a favor, this is toxic af.
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If anything, you saved yourself years of pain, because either way, you have the gift of understanding what’s really going on here. Thats power. 