Post by lostinlove on Dec 22, 2019 18:23:33 GMT
Seriously, what happened???
Sorry this is super long and detailed. Never got any closure, and seriously trying to figure this all out. Went into this relationship secure, or so I thought. Seemed to be really anxious and even get more anxious as time went on though. I've never experienced anything remotely close to this when I have dated other guys. Took a hiatus from dating when my mom was sick, and eventually passed away. Now trying to wrap my head around this. Where did I go so wrong? Thanks in advance for any input!
August 27th, 2018-
Met my now ex for our first date. We met for lunch at a local mexican restaurant and really seemed to hit it off. After our first date, he hugged me, then he asked me if I would like to meet for another date. I said sure, absolutely. There was something about this guy. I went over to my friend Ashley's house after I met him and told her "he is the one. He is the one I'm going to marry".
Our second date consisted of a walk at a park. He said he would bring a sandwich, and we would have a sandwich and go for a walk. It was a nice evening, and I even brought my dog along. We had a great time. Before we went our separate ways, he invited me over to his house the following Sunday evening, to grill steaks. I said sure.
Our third date, the date at his house was nice. I got there and he showed me around his place he was building. It sat out in the country, on top of a hill, with an incredible view. At this point I started asking myself, how is this super handsome 37yo farmer still single?! He's got his life together. Great jobs (farmer, IT guy, and he sold farm GPS equipment on the side), nice home, smart, funny, you get it...
Anyways, back to the third date at his house, after he showed me around, we threw some steak and potatoes on the grill, ate dinner, and enjoyed each others company. He then invited me to stay to watch a movie, which I agreed to. With his house under construction, he lived in the basement. Bedroom, bathroom, makeshift kitchen. The TV was in the bedroom, suspended above the bed. At this point, I was comfortable with this guy, even ready to move forward with him. So we laid on the bed, started the movie, and eventually started cuddling. Cuddling led to kissing, touching, and eventually foreplay/sex. Things with sex actually moved so quickly that he "got off", I didn't, and we were basically done. The excitement from everything still pleased me, though. He ended up asking me to just spend the night. So I did. Next morning, same thing. He "came" almost immediately. And we were done, but again, I was still content. It felt good, and was atleast emotionally fulfilling.
We ended up hanging out quite a bit more. Having alot more dates, a lot more sex (which was actually some of the best I've had), and me staying at his house alot more. Basically anything I wanted to do, he was down for doing. But he didnt initiate as much after the first couple months of dating. A month after our first date we made it "official", boyfriend/girlfriend.
So a few things. This was my first "serious" committed relationship. So I didnt know some right from wrong, red flags, etc. Anyways, a few things did stick out to me in the beginning.
-I always told myself, "wow this has to be too good to be true! I am so lucky I found a man that I am so compatible with, that wants all the same things I do" but I figured this must be what real and true love feels like and I finally found the one
-I was also his first serious relationship. He did tell me his longest "relationship" before me only lasted 3 months. And he didnt have sex until his early 30s.
-He wanted ALL of the same exact things I wanted. 2 kids, marriage, a wife that worked on the farm with him, someone that supported his farming and crazy hours (which I did)
-At Christmas, I gave him floor tickets to a Garth Brooks concert. I got a tshirt, and then later on he wrote in a card that sometime we would take an overnight trip to a town a couple hours away from us and hit up an indoor waterpark and some museums... sounded fun
-A week before Thanksgiving, I was in a car accident. I called him crying and he just said "well call the police. Do you need me to come?" Asking in a way as if it was inconvenient. I said I dont "need you to come, but it would be nice" his reply "call the police and then go to work or take your car to your dads". Seemed odd, so I took my car to my dads and he ended up meeting me there to take me to work. I asked him "werent you worried whether or not I was ok, you never once asked if I was ok?" His reply "I assumed you were OK because you were talking to me" seemed strange
Fast forward to our first "falling out". Mid December. Around this time, I will admit I was probably edgy and moody. In 2017 I lost my mom to a courageous 5 year battle with cancer. So the holidays are tough. I warned him about that. His response (mind you, both of his parents are still alive) "your going to have to get over it sometime and move on with life". Ummmmm. No. That set me off. I started crying and was so mad. I told him it wasnt nice, and he does not understand, and should be more supportive. His reply, "I want out, I need away from the relationship" and "you are dramatic". He said it in kind of a quiet, yet anxious tone. We spent some time not talking to each other, and went on with the rest of our day. I ended up convincing him to stay, because disagreements happen in relationships.
Fast forward through holidays and New Years, things seemed pretty good. One of his Christmas presents from me was floor tickets to the Garth Brooks concert in March.
January we had a "disagreement", mind you I dont even remember what these were over, it was probably small, petty stuff. I told him I would leave because he seemed upset. He said "no reason to, I dont want you to leave". So I stayed.
Since things seemed pretty serious and we were in our mid 30's we figured we were mature to know what we wanted by now, and we had kind of made a "timeline" for us. Me move in at 6 months, engaged in a little over a year during harvest (when he was farming), married the following fall, and work on having kids the following Spring time. We both agreed that this seemed very reasonable, given our ages. We also agreed on a cheaper, simple wedding at the farm.
March rolls around, and the Garth Brooks concert was coming up. Again, another petty disagreement, and he "wanted out". Didnt want to go to the concert or anything. Just wanted out. I could just take someone else to the concert, he said. Last minute he decided he would still go, so we went. Did a bunch of fun things (it was in St. Louis) and had a really great time.
I sat down and again explained that relationships have disagreements and you work through them, compromise, and move on. I told him he didnt have serious relationship experience to know this. Because he would tell me he loved me. So I said "if you love me, the reason you want out is probably because of conflict, right?" His reply was "yes, you seem to really get under my skin". Although nothing was ever really that bad, never physical, or even mean. He always wanted to get away though anytime things seemed "heated". He wanted away and wanted his space. I will admit sometimes I was clingy, trying to get him to talk through things. His sense of "space" was take all day, even a few days away. Come back like nothing ever happened. But in a couple weeks his resentment would come out about it. He would tend to hold grudges and hold stuff in for a long period of time.
May rolls around. I ended up sick with a couple of upper respiratory infections and a chronic cough. Ended up having to be on long term steroids, and it seems like at that point all hell broke loose in our "relationship". The doctor warned him I would maybe even be moody on the steroids. He just chuckled and said OK.
The steroids did make me moody, but also caused some heart issues/dysrhythmias. Fast forward to the end of May. Another lousy "disagreement". This time, one of us had to leave the house for the night. He ended up going and sleeping in his truck. Well my anxiety got the best of me. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out and could tell my heart was out of rhythm. So I frantically called him for a ride to the hospital. Well, his phone was shut off and I had no idea where he was. So I called 911, they came and checked me out told me I had an irregular rhythm and should get checked out. I ended up refusing their transport and just went to bed. The next day I still wasnt feeling better. I sat EX down and said last night was not nice, I really needed you there for me. He said "well you made me mad and one of us needed to go away for the night since you wouldnt let me just go to bed". Well, this conversation also pissed him off, so he went out with his cousin to "talk" and get away again. His cousin who is 40, and still single himself. Never married, no kids, no LTR. He wanted "advice" from him, lol. I was furious. So I went to just take a shower and go to bed. Ended up passing out in the shower and hit my head pretty hard. So I frantically called EX, sent him some texts and said "I need you to seriously get home and get me to the hospital". He replied and told me to stop being crazy and dramatic and stop texting and calling so much. I replied and said "I'm having an emergency", he replied "if it's an emergency then you can call 911. I need time away from you". I ended up calling a friend to take me, because I realized I probably shouldn't brush it off anymore. Well, they ended up admitting me to the hospital for a couple of days because I definitely was in an abnormal heart rhythm. Once they admitted me, EX decided to show up and visit me. Anyways, I get discharged a couple days later, and it's the anniversary of my moms passing. He told me that the last few days really stressed him out and he needed some time apart. I told him I really needed him because it was a hard time with it being the anniversary of my moms passing. He said "no" and I allowed him to take his time apart. Of course while we were apart I sent him an email, basically blaming myself for everything and telling him how we could fix this, etc. Well, after the anniversary he came back again and said "that email was really nice, we can make this work, let's keep working on it because I really do love you".
4th of July rolls around. Again, another disagreement over something really small again. It was so small and trivial, I cant even remember what these were over. Well again, "I just want out of this relationship, theres something missing". I said "what do you mean "something missing?" He said "I don't know what or how to describe it, just something missing". Ok. So we took a few days off again, and again, got back together after the holiday. Because "you really do love me I can tell, and I really need to work on loving you better, and being a better boyfriend, because I really do love you". Well the weekend after, we were supposed to spend a fun weekend together in Chicago. Again, another petty disagreement. And "I dont want to go to Chicago, I just want out". Well another night off, and he came back and said "I'll decide the morning of if I want to go or not". So I let him. And he decided to go since I "gave him his space he wanted". And again, another fun and fulfilling weekend.
August rolls around and we had plans to go to my national waterski tournament together. He decided out of the blue a week before that he just didnt want to go with me anymore. I asked for a reason, and all he said was "I dont need a reason, I just don't want to I've got other things I can work on". Of course it caused a reaction out of me. So again, more time off from the relationship. And again, he decided last minute he would go still, although he seemed mad about it.
September and fall harvest rolls around. One time he had me too close to a grain bin and didnt realize it. So they had a talk with him about just watching where he brings me around, for safety purposes. Makes total sense. Well, he took it as I couldnt be at the farm with him at all anymore, that I was a distraction, etc. And he was kind of mean to me about it, which again caused a reaction out of me, because the way he was approaching me about it. I was no longer allowed to ride in the tractor or combine, except for a round or two here and there. I asked him why it's different than last year. His reply was "because I didnt think you were a distraction until others pointed it out to me". Maked sense I guess. Anyways, his other cousin he farms with reached out to me to tell me he thinks there may have been a misunderstanding. That they enjoy me at the farm, and want me to come ride along with EX in the tractor and combine, and keep learning things. Just need to be more careful around augers and bins. And to just be vigilant about things because it's dangerous work. Totally understandable. But EX took it completely out of proportion.
So this was the time we were supposed to get engaged. He actually took me to pick out my ring. After that, we booked our caterer and even bought a wedding planner to start working working together. Harvest was here, so the engagment was coming up. I did ask him about it often, if it was still really going to happen because harvest was nearing end. Well, he got "stressed" with farming and "stressed with me asking" he said, so we wouldn't be getting engaged during harvest anymore. Again, caused a reaction out of me, and again, the "I just need out". I said how about I leave until Thankgiving, we take some time apart, you finish harvest, destress, take some time to yourself, etc. He said that sounded like a great idea. Well, we went on a date that night and things were rocky, but after the date he said "I dont want you to take the time apart. I really love you, I want you to just stay here". Wow, ok. So I did. I said "things seem really rocky, so worst case we did break off for a while, why dont we date casually for a while, after some time apart". He said "that is a really great idea if it ever came to that, but why would you think we are breaking up or taking time off, I'm not going anywhere". I said "I'm not either, just making sure". Next night we went on another date since he got done at the farm early. Went to a restaurant, had a couple drinks and some food and left our phones in the car. Best date by far. We focused on each other, no phones, didnt talk about the relationship, just us. We got home and he said "I hope we have many many more dates like that, I love you and I'm so lucky to have a woman like you in my life, and that you always stick around and help me, I never want to lose you".
Following week, at the beginning of November I was making small talk with him about how it's a hard month for me. Birthdays and anniversaries without my mom, holidays approaching. Well a week before my birthday, I ended up having a heart issue again. It was frustrating. I called and texted him, needed to get ahold of him. Later on that day I said "why were you ignoring all my calls and texts I needed to get ahold of you?" His reply, "I was thinking about and was frustrated about our date the other day and just didnt want to talk to you and you kept blowing up my phone like a crazy person". I said "that's because I needed to get ahold of you". Anyways, I left him alone the rest of the day. Got out of the hospital and went to the store to buy stuff to make a roast to take to the field so he would have a nice hot meal. That night he told me again how lucky he was to have me, and to have a girl that supports his farming, brings him meals to the farm, helps out at the farm, and how much he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me, and never wanted to lose a good girl like me". I said "oh, when will we be getting engaged then?" And he replied "we will get there when I decide, just calm down". Mind you, I was calm, just asking a question. So we went to bed, and Wednesday, November 6th comes around. I got up early to take care of the roast, got ready, told each other we loved each other, and that I would bring him dinner that night (which again he said he was so lucky and looking forward to it), and headed to work. I texted him and said "hope you have a great and safe day farming, I will plan on bringing dinner out around 5 - roast meat, potatoes, veggies, dinner rolls, and your favorite, banana bread. See you then, I love you so much and am so lucky to have you". Never heard anything back, but gave him the benefit of the doubt because they were busy farming and working. So I called him after work and said "hey hun, I'm stopping by the store, and then going home to finish preparing dinner to bring to you tonight, it will be so good" all I heard was silence. I said "what's wrong? You seem so silent" his reply "you just need to go back to the house, pack what you need for a week, and when I'm done with harvest I will bring the rest of your stuff to you, I'm done with you, I'm done with this relationship, I've been thinking about it all day". And then he just hung up. Would not take any of my calls, or respond to my messages. I was baffled. So I went to the house and waited for him to get home from the farm to try and talk to him. I said "can we please talk about this, this is crazy, just last night you said you didn't want to lose me, you loved me, and couldnt wait to marry me?" He said "there is nothing to talk about. I'm done. Pack your stuff and leave". He turned like INSTANT cold. Heartless. I said that wasnt very nice that you dumped me over the phone (he said he could care less), we should atleast get to talk about this. And he just ignored me. Again causing a reaction out of me. At that point he said "this is why I chose to leave, you are so dramatic". The following Monday I broke down and had to see a therapist and get on some meds (which I've never had to be on antidepressants in my life, not even when my mom died). I called him after therapy and said I think we really deserve a 2nd chance. I said I'm going to work on improving myself, and he said he was too. I said since we are both working on ourselves I think its fair we have another chance. He said "I agree, but I'm not putting a timeline on it". We had so much in common and had so much fun together. It was just when conflict arose, that it was hell.
A few days later was my birthday. We ended up talking a few days before that, by text. He told me he would still take me out for my birthday like he promised. I thought OK. Maybe we can finally talk about things then. So he took me out, told me we would some day be friends. On his time. When he was ready. But no timelines. And IF the friendship was going OK, he would think about trying to date again. He promised me this. Also said I can leave my address and ID for at his house and leave my stuff there until we "tried again". Anyways, a week later, he emailed me and told me I had until the end of the year to get my stuff out. He didnt see us getting back together and had zero interest in ever dating me again. All this after he promised me on my birthday we would. So I gathered some friends and we did most of it in one day. When I went over to get my stuff from his house, we sat for a minute and talked. He by all means was trying to avoid me though. I had some Christmas presents I had bought for him and his parents, before the break up, and said "please make sure your parents get these" his reply "I dont know, we will see". Also, I had bought him a model train set for Christmas because I knew he liked trains... his reply "it looks cheap, have you seen my train sets? They are diecast and nice, this is junk". I also said is there anything else you would like to tell me before we say "goodbye". He nodded and said "you really broke me". I said "what does that even mean?" He said I dont even know "you just really broke me". Hmmmm. Ok.
Anyways, heres where I failed, miserably. I was angered, frustrated, lost, confused, etc. Never been broken up with like this before. But I said on Facebook "theres nothing worse than watching the man you loved with all of your heart, walk out of your life". Of course some of my friends were replying saying stuff like that mans got problems, hes an asshole, he kicked you out some many other times, he dropped you like a hat, stuff like that. Etc. His friend messaged me one day and said "you really hurt his feelings". Yea, I know and realize I made a mistake and cant take it back. But if THEY only knew...
After he broke up with me I also called him, messaged him, emailed him, etc for about a month. He ended up blocking me on everything and said never to talk to him again, to move on, and just go date someone else already. I wrote him emails basically blaming everything on myself and telling him what I would do to work on myself and how this all must of been a misunderstanding. Blamed the whole thing on me basically.
Oh, the day he dumped me, a girl I used to work with messaged me. She had dated him for two months, they hung out every day. And one day he just ghosted her after he found out she had to take anxiety meds.
I ended up reaching out to another ex, because I was so lost and confused. We are actually like best friends now, but they dated for 3 months, she asked him where the relationship was going, he said he didnt know, he needed a week off. She said that's not how that works, he said well that's how I work. So he left for a week and tried calling her. She said no, you will come tell me to my face. He went over there crying and said "I dont have a spark for you, let's just be friends". So they did for a while, until she decided she didnt deserve that anymore. He also wanted to keep their relationship "private".
I always told him I would NEVER leave him and that there was a reason we made it 14 months, as opposed to his longest at 3 months. Yet he said he has zero interest in ever dating me again. Hes almost 39, wants kids, and wants marriage.
IM SO CONFUSED!! I LOVE THIS MAN DEARLY AND WANT HIM BACK SO BAD! Do you think he will ever realize what he had and come back, even though it seems like I pushed him away after the break-up? What is up with this? I'm such a mess.
Some positive take aways:
-His family and friends would always tell me how much of a blessing I was in his life and how much he needed a woman like me. They had never seen EX so happy and in love.
-He despised church (he was raised catholic), but yet he wanted to go with me to non-denominational and work on his faith and he would join me when I would go
-We had so much in common and tons of fun together when things werent "heated"
-Im a very simple girl, I never needed flowers (hardly got them), surprises, gifts, jewelry (actually I picked out a cheap engagement ring), all I wanted was special moments together and his company
-He didnt have many local friends, just acquaintances in the area from his farming. So I always invited him along to do stuff with my friends. Kayaking, waterskiing, sports games, random day trips, out to dinner. He always said he had so much fun
-He always accompanied me to doctor appointments, basically anything "scheduled"
-we had fun trying new recipes and cooking together
-we had my dog that he took a really big liking to and took really good care of her and enjoyed playing together
-we made a ton of incredible memories, and had and found so much fun, even the little and simple things, I taught him many new things, and he would even step out of his "comfort zone"
Things I did for him:
-When he would "kick me out" for a few days, since he didnt want to talk about our conflicts, I would send emails to him saying where we went wrong, what we needed to do to fix it, what we both could work on, etc. When he had me come back, he always would say "that email was really nice, and that's why I want to keep trying"
-I always knew he needed a little extra help with things, so with his permission I would tell him where he could work on things, and if something was inappropriate, etc. He always said he was so appreciative of a woman that helped him
-he needed a little extra encouragement sometimes, so I would always write him love letters, leave him notes around the house, give him cards, get him gifts, and would bake him goodies to also help show my love for him
-he said he never could find a woman that appreciated his farm stuff and crazy hours... well I did, big time, I was out there helping on the farm, scooping corn, greasing equipment, asking questions, transporting people between fields, learning new things, always took him hot meals and his family, did all the shopping and house work, took time off work to go to farm events and to make sure he had food to the field
-last year for Christmas I surprised him with floor tickets to Garth Brooks
Brooks
-I always invited him to do things with my friends and I, planned trips and getaways, fun stuff for us, etc
Odd things:
-He had no friends really... except for online "farming" people he met up with at farm events
-He seemed really private/shy
-we planned and agreed on pretty much everything for a future, but never had the deep conversations as to how we were going to achieve those things
-Sometimes I would have to say things like "why dont you actually help or show the person, instead of trying to explain something?" Or "just because you dont like it, doesnt mean other people wont" Or "you seemed kind of short/rude with that person"
-his mother was very very odd... her gifts to him (Birthday/Christmas) was usually a box of stuff, typically useless junk from like Goodwill or a garage sale. Very strange. Oh and keep in mind, his parents house was cluttered with this useless junk. Sometimes I even had to ask him or tell him "why does it seem like your mom is avoiding us? Does she not like me?" Or "She acts like we aren't even here".
-He would often thank me and tell me he isnt experienced with relationships so he would thank me for "helping" him and telling him stuff along the way. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him so much and just told myself, "he just doesnt understand relationships and how they work, it will get better in time". He would constantly tell me he was so lucky to find a girl like me. And he was always so glad I talked him into staying.
-anytime he was upset or we fought, he would withhold affection for even up to multiple days.. absolutely NO sex, intimacy... and even told me I was disgusting or wrong for even thinking like that and that one of us should leave for the night because "that's just not right"
-if I was sad he almost "dismissed" my emotions or would just say something like "awe hun" . Lacked empathy it seems like and would almost seem "anxious" if I showed any emotion. If I asked for another hug he would say "I already gave you one already"
-always said I'm not making any promises or putting any percentages on anything
-always told me he wasnt "committed" to me because we werent married. Committment comes with marriage... in his eyes
-it seemed like I would always get irritated by the smallest things and my insecurities were definitely coming out. I went in feeling really secure, but kept losing it along the way. He ALWAYS knew what triggered me or how to trigger me. I felt very anxious throughout this relationship, even some times feeling suicidal (this was NOT me, it's like I lost perception of my real self), and now even in the breakup. I've never had to take anxiety or depression meds in my life, but now I do
-we would tend to end up in disagreements right before bed, then he'd say "I'm going to bed or one of us is leaving, we are not talking about this, tomorrow is a new day"
Sorry this is super long and detailed. Never got any closure, and seriously trying to figure this all out. Went into this relationship secure, or so I thought. Seemed to be really anxious and even get more anxious as time went on though. I've never experienced anything remotely close to this when I have dated other guys. Took a hiatus from dating when my mom was sick, and eventually passed away. Now trying to wrap my head around this. Where did I go so wrong? Thanks in advance for any input!
August 27th, 2018-
Met my now ex for our first date. We met for lunch at a local mexican restaurant and really seemed to hit it off. After our first date, he hugged me, then he asked me if I would like to meet for another date. I said sure, absolutely. There was something about this guy. I went over to my friend Ashley's house after I met him and told her "he is the one. He is the one I'm going to marry".
Our second date consisted of a walk at a park. He said he would bring a sandwich, and we would have a sandwich and go for a walk. It was a nice evening, and I even brought my dog along. We had a great time. Before we went our separate ways, he invited me over to his house the following Sunday evening, to grill steaks. I said sure.
Our third date, the date at his house was nice. I got there and he showed me around his place he was building. It sat out in the country, on top of a hill, with an incredible view. At this point I started asking myself, how is this super handsome 37yo farmer still single?! He's got his life together. Great jobs (farmer, IT guy, and he sold farm GPS equipment on the side), nice home, smart, funny, you get it...
Anyways, back to the third date at his house, after he showed me around, we threw some steak and potatoes on the grill, ate dinner, and enjoyed each others company. He then invited me to stay to watch a movie, which I agreed to. With his house under construction, he lived in the basement. Bedroom, bathroom, makeshift kitchen. The TV was in the bedroom, suspended above the bed. At this point, I was comfortable with this guy, even ready to move forward with him. So we laid on the bed, started the movie, and eventually started cuddling. Cuddling led to kissing, touching, and eventually foreplay/sex. Things with sex actually moved so quickly that he "got off", I didn't, and we were basically done. The excitement from everything still pleased me, though. He ended up asking me to just spend the night. So I did. Next morning, same thing. He "came" almost immediately. And we were done, but again, I was still content. It felt good, and was atleast emotionally fulfilling.
We ended up hanging out quite a bit more. Having alot more dates, a lot more sex (which was actually some of the best I've had), and me staying at his house alot more. Basically anything I wanted to do, he was down for doing. But he didnt initiate as much after the first couple months of dating. A month after our first date we made it "official", boyfriend/girlfriend.
So a few things. This was my first "serious" committed relationship. So I didnt know some right from wrong, red flags, etc. Anyways, a few things did stick out to me in the beginning.
-I always told myself, "wow this has to be too good to be true! I am so lucky I found a man that I am so compatible with, that wants all the same things I do" but I figured this must be what real and true love feels like and I finally found the one
-I was also his first serious relationship. He did tell me his longest "relationship" before me only lasted 3 months. And he didnt have sex until his early 30s.
-He wanted ALL of the same exact things I wanted. 2 kids, marriage, a wife that worked on the farm with him, someone that supported his farming and crazy hours (which I did)
-At Christmas, I gave him floor tickets to a Garth Brooks concert. I got a tshirt, and then later on he wrote in a card that sometime we would take an overnight trip to a town a couple hours away from us and hit up an indoor waterpark and some museums... sounded fun
-A week before Thanksgiving, I was in a car accident. I called him crying and he just said "well call the police. Do you need me to come?" Asking in a way as if it was inconvenient. I said I dont "need you to come, but it would be nice" his reply "call the police and then go to work or take your car to your dads". Seemed odd, so I took my car to my dads and he ended up meeting me there to take me to work. I asked him "werent you worried whether or not I was ok, you never once asked if I was ok?" His reply "I assumed you were OK because you were talking to me" seemed strange
Fast forward to our first "falling out". Mid December. Around this time, I will admit I was probably edgy and moody. In 2017 I lost my mom to a courageous 5 year battle with cancer. So the holidays are tough. I warned him about that. His response (mind you, both of his parents are still alive) "your going to have to get over it sometime and move on with life". Ummmmm. No. That set me off. I started crying and was so mad. I told him it wasnt nice, and he does not understand, and should be more supportive. His reply, "I want out, I need away from the relationship" and "you are dramatic". He said it in kind of a quiet, yet anxious tone. We spent some time not talking to each other, and went on with the rest of our day. I ended up convincing him to stay, because disagreements happen in relationships.
Fast forward through holidays and New Years, things seemed pretty good. One of his Christmas presents from me was floor tickets to the Garth Brooks concert in March.
January we had a "disagreement", mind you I dont even remember what these were over, it was probably small, petty stuff. I told him I would leave because he seemed upset. He said "no reason to, I dont want you to leave". So I stayed.
Since things seemed pretty serious and we were in our mid 30's we figured we were mature to know what we wanted by now, and we had kind of made a "timeline" for us. Me move in at 6 months, engaged in a little over a year during harvest (when he was farming), married the following fall, and work on having kids the following Spring time. We both agreed that this seemed very reasonable, given our ages. We also agreed on a cheaper, simple wedding at the farm.
March rolls around, and the Garth Brooks concert was coming up. Again, another petty disagreement, and he "wanted out". Didnt want to go to the concert or anything. Just wanted out. I could just take someone else to the concert, he said. Last minute he decided he would still go, so we went. Did a bunch of fun things (it was in St. Louis) and had a really great time.
I sat down and again explained that relationships have disagreements and you work through them, compromise, and move on. I told him he didnt have serious relationship experience to know this. Because he would tell me he loved me. So I said "if you love me, the reason you want out is probably because of conflict, right?" His reply was "yes, you seem to really get under my skin". Although nothing was ever really that bad, never physical, or even mean. He always wanted to get away though anytime things seemed "heated". He wanted away and wanted his space. I will admit sometimes I was clingy, trying to get him to talk through things. His sense of "space" was take all day, even a few days away. Come back like nothing ever happened. But in a couple weeks his resentment would come out about it. He would tend to hold grudges and hold stuff in for a long period of time.
May rolls around. I ended up sick with a couple of upper respiratory infections and a chronic cough. Ended up having to be on long term steroids, and it seems like at that point all hell broke loose in our "relationship". The doctor warned him I would maybe even be moody on the steroids. He just chuckled and said OK.
The steroids did make me moody, but also caused some heart issues/dysrhythmias. Fast forward to the end of May. Another lousy "disagreement". This time, one of us had to leave the house for the night. He ended up going and sleeping in his truck. Well my anxiety got the best of me. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out and could tell my heart was out of rhythm. So I frantically called him for a ride to the hospital. Well, his phone was shut off and I had no idea where he was. So I called 911, they came and checked me out told me I had an irregular rhythm and should get checked out. I ended up refusing their transport and just went to bed. The next day I still wasnt feeling better. I sat EX down and said last night was not nice, I really needed you there for me. He said "well you made me mad and one of us needed to go away for the night since you wouldnt let me just go to bed". Well, this conversation also pissed him off, so he went out with his cousin to "talk" and get away again. His cousin who is 40, and still single himself. Never married, no kids, no LTR. He wanted "advice" from him, lol. I was furious. So I went to just take a shower and go to bed. Ended up passing out in the shower and hit my head pretty hard. So I frantically called EX, sent him some texts and said "I need you to seriously get home and get me to the hospital". He replied and told me to stop being crazy and dramatic and stop texting and calling so much. I replied and said "I'm having an emergency", he replied "if it's an emergency then you can call 911. I need time away from you". I ended up calling a friend to take me, because I realized I probably shouldn't brush it off anymore. Well, they ended up admitting me to the hospital for a couple of days because I definitely was in an abnormal heart rhythm. Once they admitted me, EX decided to show up and visit me. Anyways, I get discharged a couple days later, and it's the anniversary of my moms passing. He told me that the last few days really stressed him out and he needed some time apart. I told him I really needed him because it was a hard time with it being the anniversary of my moms passing. He said "no" and I allowed him to take his time apart. Of course while we were apart I sent him an email, basically blaming myself for everything and telling him how we could fix this, etc. Well, after the anniversary he came back again and said "that email was really nice, we can make this work, let's keep working on it because I really do love you".
4th of July rolls around. Again, another disagreement over something really small again. It was so small and trivial, I cant even remember what these were over. Well again, "I just want out of this relationship, theres something missing". I said "what do you mean "something missing?" He said "I don't know what or how to describe it, just something missing". Ok. So we took a few days off again, and again, got back together after the holiday. Because "you really do love me I can tell, and I really need to work on loving you better, and being a better boyfriend, because I really do love you". Well the weekend after, we were supposed to spend a fun weekend together in Chicago. Again, another petty disagreement. And "I dont want to go to Chicago, I just want out". Well another night off, and he came back and said "I'll decide the morning of if I want to go or not". So I let him. And he decided to go since I "gave him his space he wanted". And again, another fun and fulfilling weekend.
August rolls around and we had plans to go to my national waterski tournament together. He decided out of the blue a week before that he just didnt want to go with me anymore. I asked for a reason, and all he said was "I dont need a reason, I just don't want to I've got other things I can work on". Of course it caused a reaction out of me. So again, more time off from the relationship. And again, he decided last minute he would go still, although he seemed mad about it.
September and fall harvest rolls around. One time he had me too close to a grain bin and didnt realize it. So they had a talk with him about just watching where he brings me around, for safety purposes. Makes total sense. Well, he took it as I couldnt be at the farm with him at all anymore, that I was a distraction, etc. And he was kind of mean to me about it, which again caused a reaction out of me, because the way he was approaching me about it. I was no longer allowed to ride in the tractor or combine, except for a round or two here and there. I asked him why it's different than last year. His reply was "because I didnt think you were a distraction until others pointed it out to me". Maked sense I guess. Anyways, his other cousin he farms with reached out to me to tell me he thinks there may have been a misunderstanding. That they enjoy me at the farm, and want me to come ride along with EX in the tractor and combine, and keep learning things. Just need to be more careful around augers and bins. And to just be vigilant about things because it's dangerous work. Totally understandable. But EX took it completely out of proportion.
So this was the time we were supposed to get engaged. He actually took me to pick out my ring. After that, we booked our caterer and even bought a wedding planner to start working working together. Harvest was here, so the engagment was coming up. I did ask him about it often, if it was still really going to happen because harvest was nearing end. Well, he got "stressed" with farming and "stressed with me asking" he said, so we wouldn't be getting engaged during harvest anymore. Again, caused a reaction out of me, and again, the "I just need out". I said how about I leave until Thankgiving, we take some time apart, you finish harvest, destress, take some time to yourself, etc. He said that sounded like a great idea. Well, we went on a date that night and things were rocky, but after the date he said "I dont want you to take the time apart. I really love you, I want you to just stay here". Wow, ok. So I did. I said "things seem really rocky, so worst case we did break off for a while, why dont we date casually for a while, after some time apart". He said "that is a really great idea if it ever came to that, but why would you think we are breaking up or taking time off, I'm not going anywhere". I said "I'm not either, just making sure". Next night we went on another date since he got done at the farm early. Went to a restaurant, had a couple drinks and some food and left our phones in the car. Best date by far. We focused on each other, no phones, didnt talk about the relationship, just us. We got home and he said "I hope we have many many more dates like that, I love you and I'm so lucky to have a woman like you in my life, and that you always stick around and help me, I never want to lose you".
Following week, at the beginning of November I was making small talk with him about how it's a hard month for me. Birthdays and anniversaries without my mom, holidays approaching. Well a week before my birthday, I ended up having a heart issue again. It was frustrating. I called and texted him, needed to get ahold of him. Later on that day I said "why were you ignoring all my calls and texts I needed to get ahold of you?" His reply, "I was thinking about and was frustrated about our date the other day and just didnt want to talk to you and you kept blowing up my phone like a crazy person". I said "that's because I needed to get ahold of you". Anyways, I left him alone the rest of the day. Got out of the hospital and went to the store to buy stuff to make a roast to take to the field so he would have a nice hot meal. That night he told me again how lucky he was to have me, and to have a girl that supports his farming, brings him meals to the farm, helps out at the farm, and how much he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me, and never wanted to lose a good girl like me". I said "oh, when will we be getting engaged then?" And he replied "we will get there when I decide, just calm down". Mind you, I was calm, just asking a question. So we went to bed, and Wednesday, November 6th comes around. I got up early to take care of the roast, got ready, told each other we loved each other, and that I would bring him dinner that night (which again he said he was so lucky and looking forward to it), and headed to work. I texted him and said "hope you have a great and safe day farming, I will plan on bringing dinner out around 5 - roast meat, potatoes, veggies, dinner rolls, and your favorite, banana bread. See you then, I love you so much and am so lucky to have you". Never heard anything back, but gave him the benefit of the doubt because they were busy farming and working. So I called him after work and said "hey hun, I'm stopping by the store, and then going home to finish preparing dinner to bring to you tonight, it will be so good" all I heard was silence. I said "what's wrong? You seem so silent" his reply "you just need to go back to the house, pack what you need for a week, and when I'm done with harvest I will bring the rest of your stuff to you, I'm done with you, I'm done with this relationship, I've been thinking about it all day". And then he just hung up. Would not take any of my calls, or respond to my messages. I was baffled. So I went to the house and waited for him to get home from the farm to try and talk to him. I said "can we please talk about this, this is crazy, just last night you said you didn't want to lose me, you loved me, and couldnt wait to marry me?" He said "there is nothing to talk about. I'm done. Pack your stuff and leave". He turned like INSTANT cold. Heartless. I said that wasnt very nice that you dumped me over the phone (he said he could care less), we should atleast get to talk about this. And he just ignored me. Again causing a reaction out of me. At that point he said "this is why I chose to leave, you are so dramatic". The following Monday I broke down and had to see a therapist and get on some meds (which I've never had to be on antidepressants in my life, not even when my mom died). I called him after therapy and said I think we really deserve a 2nd chance. I said I'm going to work on improving myself, and he said he was too. I said since we are both working on ourselves I think its fair we have another chance. He said "I agree, but I'm not putting a timeline on it". We had so much in common and had so much fun together. It was just when conflict arose, that it was hell.
A few days later was my birthday. We ended up talking a few days before that, by text. He told me he would still take me out for my birthday like he promised. I thought OK. Maybe we can finally talk about things then. So he took me out, told me we would some day be friends. On his time. When he was ready. But no timelines. And IF the friendship was going OK, he would think about trying to date again. He promised me this. Also said I can leave my address and ID for at his house and leave my stuff there until we "tried again". Anyways, a week later, he emailed me and told me I had until the end of the year to get my stuff out. He didnt see us getting back together and had zero interest in ever dating me again. All this after he promised me on my birthday we would. So I gathered some friends and we did most of it in one day. When I went over to get my stuff from his house, we sat for a minute and talked. He by all means was trying to avoid me though. I had some Christmas presents I had bought for him and his parents, before the break up, and said "please make sure your parents get these" his reply "I dont know, we will see". Also, I had bought him a model train set for Christmas because I knew he liked trains... his reply "it looks cheap, have you seen my train sets? They are diecast and nice, this is junk". I also said is there anything else you would like to tell me before we say "goodbye". He nodded and said "you really broke me". I said "what does that even mean?" He said I dont even know "you just really broke me". Hmmmm. Ok.
Anyways, heres where I failed, miserably. I was angered, frustrated, lost, confused, etc. Never been broken up with like this before. But I said on Facebook "theres nothing worse than watching the man you loved with all of your heart, walk out of your life". Of course some of my friends were replying saying stuff like that mans got problems, hes an asshole, he kicked you out some many other times, he dropped you like a hat, stuff like that. Etc. His friend messaged me one day and said "you really hurt his feelings". Yea, I know and realize I made a mistake and cant take it back. But if THEY only knew...
After he broke up with me I also called him, messaged him, emailed him, etc for about a month. He ended up blocking me on everything and said never to talk to him again, to move on, and just go date someone else already. I wrote him emails basically blaming everything on myself and telling him what I would do to work on myself and how this all must of been a misunderstanding. Blamed the whole thing on me basically.
Oh, the day he dumped me, a girl I used to work with messaged me. She had dated him for two months, they hung out every day. And one day he just ghosted her after he found out she had to take anxiety meds.
I ended up reaching out to another ex, because I was so lost and confused. We are actually like best friends now, but they dated for 3 months, she asked him where the relationship was going, he said he didnt know, he needed a week off. She said that's not how that works, he said well that's how I work. So he left for a week and tried calling her. She said no, you will come tell me to my face. He went over there crying and said "I dont have a spark for you, let's just be friends". So they did for a while, until she decided she didnt deserve that anymore. He also wanted to keep their relationship "private".
I always told him I would NEVER leave him and that there was a reason we made it 14 months, as opposed to his longest at 3 months. Yet he said he has zero interest in ever dating me again. Hes almost 39, wants kids, and wants marriage.
IM SO CONFUSED!! I LOVE THIS MAN DEARLY AND WANT HIM BACK SO BAD! Do you think he will ever realize what he had and come back, even though it seems like I pushed him away after the break-up? What is up with this? I'm such a mess.
Some positive take aways:
-His family and friends would always tell me how much of a blessing I was in his life and how much he needed a woman like me. They had never seen EX so happy and in love.
-He despised church (he was raised catholic), but yet he wanted to go with me to non-denominational and work on his faith and he would join me when I would go
-We had so much in common and tons of fun together when things werent "heated"
-Im a very simple girl, I never needed flowers (hardly got them), surprises, gifts, jewelry (actually I picked out a cheap engagement ring), all I wanted was special moments together and his company
-He didnt have many local friends, just acquaintances in the area from his farming. So I always invited him along to do stuff with my friends. Kayaking, waterskiing, sports games, random day trips, out to dinner. He always said he had so much fun
-He always accompanied me to doctor appointments, basically anything "scheduled"
-we had fun trying new recipes and cooking together
-we had my dog that he took a really big liking to and took really good care of her and enjoyed playing together
-we made a ton of incredible memories, and had and found so much fun, even the little and simple things, I taught him many new things, and he would even step out of his "comfort zone"
Things I did for him:
-When he would "kick me out" for a few days, since he didnt want to talk about our conflicts, I would send emails to him saying where we went wrong, what we needed to do to fix it, what we both could work on, etc. When he had me come back, he always would say "that email was really nice, and that's why I want to keep trying"
-I always knew he needed a little extra help with things, so with his permission I would tell him where he could work on things, and if something was inappropriate, etc. He always said he was so appreciative of a woman that helped him
-he needed a little extra encouragement sometimes, so I would always write him love letters, leave him notes around the house, give him cards, get him gifts, and would bake him goodies to also help show my love for him
-he said he never could find a woman that appreciated his farm stuff and crazy hours... well I did, big time, I was out there helping on the farm, scooping corn, greasing equipment, asking questions, transporting people between fields, learning new things, always took him hot meals and his family, did all the shopping and house work, took time off work to go to farm events and to make sure he had food to the field
-last year for Christmas I surprised him with floor tickets to Garth Brooks
Brooks
-I always invited him to do things with my friends and I, planned trips and getaways, fun stuff for us, etc
Odd things:
-He had no friends really... except for online "farming" people he met up with at farm events
-He seemed really private/shy
-we planned and agreed on pretty much everything for a future, but never had the deep conversations as to how we were going to achieve those things
-Sometimes I would have to say things like "why dont you actually help or show the person, instead of trying to explain something?" Or "just because you dont like it, doesnt mean other people wont" Or "you seemed kind of short/rude with that person"
-his mother was very very odd... her gifts to him (Birthday/Christmas) was usually a box of stuff, typically useless junk from like Goodwill or a garage sale. Very strange. Oh and keep in mind, his parents house was cluttered with this useless junk. Sometimes I even had to ask him or tell him "why does it seem like your mom is avoiding us? Does she not like me?" Or "She acts like we aren't even here".
-He would often thank me and tell me he isnt experienced with relationships so he would thank me for "helping" him and telling him stuff along the way. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him so much and just told myself, "he just doesnt understand relationships and how they work, it will get better in time". He would constantly tell me he was so lucky to find a girl like me. And he was always so glad I talked him into staying.
-anytime he was upset or we fought, he would withhold affection for even up to multiple days.. absolutely NO sex, intimacy... and even told me I was disgusting or wrong for even thinking like that and that one of us should leave for the night because "that's just not right"
-if I was sad he almost "dismissed" my emotions or would just say something like "awe hun" . Lacked empathy it seems like and would almost seem "anxious" if I showed any emotion. If I asked for another hug he would say "I already gave you one already"
-always said I'm not making any promises or putting any percentages on anything
-always told me he wasnt "committed" to me because we werent married. Committment comes with marriage... in his eyes
-it seemed like I would always get irritated by the smallest things and my insecurities were definitely coming out. I went in feeling really secure, but kept losing it along the way. He ALWAYS knew what triggered me or how to trigger me. I felt very anxious throughout this relationship, even some times feeling suicidal (this was NOT me, it's like I lost perception of my real self), and now even in the breakup. I've never had to take anxiety or depression meds in my life, but now I do
-we would tend to end up in disagreements right before bed, then he'd say "I'm going to bed or one of us is leaving, we are not talking about this, tomorrow is a new day"
