Help! Sorry, very long and detailed.

Regardless if this man has an attachment disorder, you are only to blame for staying for as long as you did. You should have left after about the third fight at a maximum. THis man future faked with you and then turned on a dime. This man sounds like a narcissist and the longer you hung in there the worse he would have got. Count your lucky stars that he didn't turn violent because that would have been the next thing had you hung in there any longer. Now it's possible that you just don't have enough dating experience, but you were enabling his behavior by waiting around so many times. You should have quit the first time he left you stranded at a hospital. Thing is you are also asking for a lot from a person, he is not your husb and and you were only dating and you were putting too much pressure on him also. Not to say that if you didn't put the pressure on, things would have been different. They wouldn't. You purposefully picked a man that couldn't give anything real to you and that is your own avoidance you need to see and fix. I am not victim blaming. Next time bail at the maximum third red flag, and try to find someone that goes at a real pace and without future faking.

Ugh, I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I seriously want this guy back and want to reach out so bad.

I am having this super unsettling feeling about this all. I wasnt perfect either and definitely had anger/anxiety in the relationship, but it's because we couldn't talk or compromise anything.

I don't understand how you can go from living with simeone every day pretty much, to hating their guts so bad you never will talk to them again, just in the snap of a finger. And he has gotten rid of every trace of me. Everything.

I hate that I feel like he is getting his life together and will treat the next woman like a queen. They probably wont fight or anything and will have the perfect life, he will listen to her and compromise so this doesnt happen to his next LTR. I hate this feeling.

So here's the thing, he's not going to get his life together. Unless he's getting serious therapy and actually facing a lot of those core issues - his next relationship will burst into flames - and the next one - and the one after that.

People like this seem to have their lives together because grief over relationships doesn't manifest in the same way it does for you. They are capable of flipping their emotions off like a switch. Maybe he does it by blaming you. Sure it might seem great but you've got to realize that until that person goes on the very difficult journey of helping themselves they will never be able to form a long lasting relationship.

But you need to come to terms with the fact that he's a disaster and bad for your life.

Anyone capable of treating you like this isn't someone you want to reach out to or reconcile with. Voluntarily trying to let them back into your life (especially so soon after the breakup) is only going to lead you down a road filled with pain and disappointment.

Maybe some day down the line he will find some miracle person who's capable of dealing with his issues - but thats not you. Unless you want to go back to dealing with someone who "needs space" while you are at the emergency room.

Its totally normal to want them back, to feel sad, and longing. But don't act on it, and try to cement the idea that you will never let yourself be treated so poorly in a relationship again.

One last thing - I used to think "well, maybe if we had went back and compromised and met eachother halfway it would have been different." But then I asked myself if I really wanted to stake my future happiness on a relationship that was half of what I wanted. Would you really be okay going through the rest of your life never feeling fully satisfied in a half-relationship? Maybe its just best to find someone who wants the same thing as you, someone where you don't have to sacrifice half of what you want to keep a relationship on life support.

lostinlove I realize that this (and many of the previous posts) are falling on deaf ears to some degree as you are simply in too much pain to be able to see things clearly right now. I get it. Emotions are so visceral that they can override our logical processing (which served us well when we were in survival mode in human history -now not so much). But here is something you can do on your own time that I think will be extremely invaluable to you. I suggest (STRONGLY suggect) that you read through every single post in the FA section of these boards (click here jebkinnisonforum.com/board/6/fearful-avoidant). I did. I read through them all. I started with the oldest stuff (dating back to 2015!) and read through until I got to the recent posts. I did this back when I was still in my "information gathering" stage of the relationship I had with an FA man-I thought "Ah ok if we are both armed with knowledge then we can do this! (I am a scientist and this is how I approach things in general). So I read. And I read. And I read some more. And what started to happen was a real shift in my thinking. Because what you will find AS HEARTBREAKING AND PAINFUL AS IT IS, your story is not unique. At all. In fact, story after story plays out *just* like yours does. People move in together. People get married. PEOPLE GET STRAIGHT UP GHOSTED AFTER YEARS OF BEING TOGETHER. Ghosted. No explanation. Just "I love you" one day and then radio silence the next.

My relationship with my FA man was only 6 months. But the REASON it was short and didn't last as long as others on here is because I called him out and left as soon as the first real deactivation happened. And do you know why I did? Because I read OVER and OVER again on these boards how people WISHED they had left sooner. NO ONE said they wished they had just stuck around longer to see how it played out. No one. Literally.

You have access (via the amazing community that frequents this forum) to some of the most insightful and powerful knowledge in the entire world (no exaggeration) on attachment issues. And the reason is that we have lived it. Some people have even lived it multiple times. Some people are themselves working on their own attachment issues and can speak to how LONG this take and how much work you have to put into it-these same people will TELL you that simply "putting up" with shit behavior over and over again does absolutely nothing whatsoever in changing the behavior. Nothing. I don't think that me giving you advice will be nearly as powerful to you as simply reading through people's stories. What they have lived through. And really try your best right now through your pain and anxiety to open your heart to the lessons they can teach you. I think you will be surprised at how many times YOUR EXACT SCENARIO has played out. With the same result each and every time. Reading the boards and really taking that information in changed my life. Literally.

I know you are fixated on what he said (the "I love yous" and such) but my mom ALWAYS used to say this to me growing up "Your actions speak so loudly, I can't hear what you're saying". Really think about that. Saying "i love you" and actually loving someone (through your behavior) are 2 totally different things.

I do have to give him some credit though. He did nice things and gestures, came to some appointments, sometimes. As long as he wasnt mad or angered at me. And as long as it was basically on his convenience.

I really think he honestly TRIED.

Yes, getting less secure and swinging more anxious is a completely normal response to dealing with someone more avoidant than you or someone with a personality disorder. If you endure abuse long enough, it can even shift a secure attachment style to an insecure one (though if you're starting very secure, this is more rare because you'd choose to leave before it got to that point).

Sorry, lots of questions because I'm trying to understand this, and I'm getting there, thanks to all you guys!

Is it "normal" for them to show some emotion? He would sometimes seem to get super overwhelmed and even cry. But asking me to get away, shut up, or leave him alone.