Help! Sorry, very long and detailed.

This is also true. While the odds are lower for someone to do the work and in a reasonable amount of time... I personally did it and when I was not secure yet but getting there a year later, I reopened communication with the ex I had problems with but loved after not talking to him for most of that time. I had changed into an open communicator with words and actions that fully aligned. If the issues with the relationship were primarily my fault, then we would have made it work at that point. We didn't, because he is FA and hadn't done his work at all, so only a portion of the problems were fixed (think of it as, you're responsible for your side which is a third, your partner for their side is a third, and your relationship itself being compatible is a third). Also, he had not asked me to do anything, I completely took it on myself to because I was tired of chaotic relationships that left me feeling devastated. (It's been another two years since we reopened communication, he's never changed or become secure.)

But this example should also indicate how important it is to fix your side of things, too. Someone may come back and if your issues are still there, the relationship is still likely to be unhealthy.

He blocked me on everything and told me to please stop contacting him, move on with life, and go date someone else. He has zero interest in ever dating me, hanging out, or being friends. Do you think he really means it?

But this was also after I bugged him for a month post break-up to come back. Can an avoidant really have feelings for you? I cant really understand how we could live together and last the longest, yet he lost all feelings.

The day I moved out he told me I broke him (whatever that means), and his friend said I probably hurt his feelings for stuff that was said on Facebook. I didnt think I posted anything bad, but they saw it as otherwise.

I think at the moment you are very stuck in a part of yourself that wants him to love you. This is normal...but you have to start separating this form him and bring to recognise this is old wounds. If you and you your father disagreed a lot, chances are when you were a child you saw this as “my
Father doesn’t understand me, see me,listen to me, see my worth”etc. so this creates wounds to self esteem and self worth.

Yes avoidants can love but they often devalue relationships and disconnect from their feelings as a way of protecting themselves. Chances are he does love you but may not be aware of it. Love and pain go hand in hand for those of us insecure. You should take what he says at face value. If he says he doesn’t want to have contact,believe and respect that. I found the best way forward was initiating no contact with me ex. Slowly you start separating. If you have any contact it keeps the unhealthy connection going and u stay more stuck.

The real healing begins when you start processing things on an emotional level. All the understanding in the world on an intellectual level won’t change your patterning or wounding. Because this stuff is at the nervous system/limbic level of a person. That’s why somatic experiencing therapy is most useful. Also, trying to “figure this out/figure him out” is typical AP pattern.i do this relentlessly.ive come to see this partly as something I did as a child to get love from my mum and partly as a way to avoid feelings. If I stay stuck in my head thinking I don’t have to feel
The pain.

Like you, a few months before I split with my ex I developed heart palpitations. Strangely enough they almost completely went away once we broke up. I also lost 4kg from the areas of being with him. The anxiety literally ate me away. Your body is giving you evidence of how unhealthy this is for you. You should listen, before you potentially develop a worse condition.

I can relate to the fears about your ex healing and moving on and being perfect and having a great r/ship with someone else. The chances are
Slim. I remind myself how incredibly hard healing is...I’ve been in therapy for 15 years and have done a LOT of emotional processing and yet still I have a lot of wounds and pain. It would take YEARS of hard, hard work with a therapist to work through even just some of this stuff. The older someone gets the harder it is. Like you I had to remind myself that my ex was 49 years
Old, had not had a relationship longer than 6 months for over ten years, had very little self awareness of willingness to change and had very little money or time to get therapy. So what’s the chances of him changing?! The neural
Pathways are well set in at that age

You are looking for us to provide you with Answers to questions we may not be able to answer. I feel you are finding ways to feed your anxiety with some of your questions. I realised myself recently that drama and intensity can be addictive. It could be worth considering if you have this going on. From my perspectice based on the things you are saying,You are stuck in analysis and probably not willing to really face yourself or address your own issues at the moment. Hopefully in time you’ll get there, once you get sick of the pain.

I think also maybe he has other issues going on besides insecure attachment? That’s just one piece of the puzzle. If he claims you broke him and he’s unwilling to communicate, shows instability and unreliability and refuses to take responsibility for his own actions while always blaming others....maybe he has a disorder of some kind that you aren’t even aware of that’s affecting him.

The only thing we know is he’s unwilling to talk to you in any capacity now or in the future. You have to take that at face value and I would remind myself that no matter how many good times you shared, the future you planned or how much you wanted it to work- it’s not working. If he wanted to stay, he has many options to try and make it work, but he’s just not willing. It’s painful and hard to accept, but for my own sake I would go no contact so you can begin to end the pain of rejection and move forward with your healing.

So sorry you’re so frustrated without answers and hurting 😞 It will get better.

Also, I do feel really down on myself about this whole thing. I do feel like it mostly is my fault why he left. I did get pretty anxious as the relationship went on and I feel like alot of that came from his unpredictability. And anxious as to whether or not he was going to leave. He would threaten it so much, that anytime we had a disagreement, big or small, I would say "are you going to leave me?" And he would say "I dont know yet, I'm really thinking about it".

Also, after the breakup I sent him emails saying where I went wrong by talking back and not giving him enough space probably. And how I was extra moody when I was sick. Basically probably allowing him to walk away with pride knowing he did nothing wrong.

I havent once gotten any kind of apology from him, for anything. And I'm confident I never will.

I think I broke him and he hates me because I did blame it on myself, so in turn, he can say it was all my fault why he had to dump me.