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Post by lostinlove on Feb 9, 2020 22:32:21 GMT
Funny thing is, if he would of had his way, he would of left the relationship at 4 months when he first said he "wanted out" after our first disagreement.
It makes me wonder how he is suddenly going to find someone to last a lifetime with or have a long term relationship with. I think not every woman will fight to keep the relationship if he says he wants out at 3-4 months.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 10, 2020 0:38:22 GMT
Funny thing is, if he would of had his way, he would of left the relationship at 4 months when he first said he "wanted out" after our first disagreement. It makes me wonder how he is suddenly going to find someone to last a lifetime with or have a long term relationship with. I think not every woman will fight to keep the relationship if he says he wants out at 3-4 months. I understand your thought process...but, you are still focusing on him versus yourself. You really cannot speak into his future. |
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Post by dhali on Feb 10, 2020 3:00:01 GMT
Trn9- ftw!!
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 3:17:55 GMT
I get that, it doesnt help me heal though not understanding why I wasnt good enough and how he is really going to find better than me.
I tried so dang hard to save us, but nothing. Two days before he literally threw me out like I never existed, I told him that November is a very difficult month for me and that I was so glad I had him by my side to get through it. Then two days later, trash. Had to add to the sadness of an already sad month. Had to cancel my wedding caterer, throw away wedding decorations and planner, and sell my wedding dress. All things a girl dreams of in life, my life finally felt like it was complete. Inevitably he will face much more difficult times in life than what we faced together, yet I was too much stress for him and so easy to just throw away with no remorse or empathy, or how can we fix this. It literally terrifies me that the next girl he will date will be the one he marries, yet for some reason I suddenly wasnt good enough. Plus I was dealing with some health issues.
A friend told me today that it could all come down to him being an only child and the possibility that his mom didnt approve of me. That really resonated with me. I hate my feelings, I hate telling myself all these things, its literally consuming me, but its terribly heartbreaking. After my mom died I was terrified to date, then I found him and life was good. We had very good chemistry besides how conflict got handled. I always say the guy literally must not understand what empathy, compromise, and forgiveness means. I literally cannot get into another relationship again now and it hurts because I wanted kids and wanted a husband. But I've had so much heartache in such little time and will be too insecure in another relationship in fear that it will end up in another heartbreak. I have major trust issues now. And yet I'm in therapy, I think it will take YEARS of therapy to heal me though.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 10, 2020 13:34:26 GMT
I get that, it doesnt help me heal though not understanding why I wasnt good enough and how he is really going to find better than me. I tried so dang hard to save us, but nothing. Two days before he literally threw me out like I never existed, I told him that November is a very difficult month for me and that I was so glad I had him by my side to get through it. Then two days later, trash. Had to add to the sadness of an already sad month. Had to cancel my wedding caterer, throw away wedding decorations and planner, and sell my wedding dress. All things a girl dreams of in life, my life finally felt like it was complete. Inevitably he will face much more difficult times in life than what we faced together, yet I was too much stress for him and so easy to just throw away with no remorse or empathy, or how can we fix this. It literally terrifies me that the next girl he will date will be the one he marries, yet for some reason I suddenly wasnt good enough. Plus I was dealing with some health issues. A friend told me today that it could all come down to him being an only child and the possibility that his mom didnt approve of me. That really resonated with me. I hate my feelings, I hate telling myself all these things, its literally consuming me, but its terribly heartbreaking. After my mom died I was terrified to date, then I found him and life was good. We had very good chemistry besides how conflict got handled. I always say the guy literally must not understand what empathy, compromise, and forgiveness means. I literally cannot get into another relationship again now and it hurts because I wanted kids and wanted a husband. But I've had so much heartache in such little time and will be too insecure in another relationship in fear that it will end up in another heartbreak. I have major trust issues now. And yet I'm in therapy, I think it will take YEARS of therapy to heal me though. I get it...I really get the need to understand and get some closure.....no answer is going to sit well and in the end....it is truly up to you how you want to process this....either you can continue to view it through your AP lens that somehow you failed him, were not good enough etc. or you can view this through the lens of seeing how he failed you....wasn’t truly the partner you thought he was and that you truly are fortunate to know this now versus being unhappily married. I am so sorry for what you have been through...and yes...it will likely take years to change all the tapes from your past. But won’t it be awesome to be able to truly be yourself....to not feel responsible for the success or failure of the relationship....to truly feel loved for who you are. We have such narrow perspectives....it is a very wide world....with millions of single men. I do hope you find peace in the end. Hugs. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 17:12:14 GMT
Can someone explain why he would be looking for a new partner then? Obviously he thinks he can do better. Theres some reason. Obviously we wont know his exact reasoning, but some kind of idea why if he is avoidant he would be so interested in a new relationship so soon, especially if he couldnt even put in the emotional effort into ours.
I've tried reaching out to him 3 months later, and still ignored. 😔
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Post by annieb on Feb 10, 2020 17:18:06 GMT
Can someone explain why he would be looking for a new partner then? Obviously he thinks he can do better. Theres some reason. Obviously we wont know his exact reasoning, but some kind of idea why if he is avoidant he would be so interested in a new relationship so soon, especially if he couldnt even put in the emotional effort into ours. I've tried reaching out to him 3 months later, and still ignored. 😔 As an avoidant he is incapable of developing an attachment. So it’s no big deal for them to move on. As an avoidant they often vilify their exes so that they can move on. It’s a very elaborate strategy to blame everyone else, but themselves. Similar to your strategy, where you would cling on to this whole story to perpetuate your own self hatred and loathing. It’s two sides of the same coin. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 17:27:37 GMT
I know it seems like I'm maybe over reacting the whole thing. But I seriously have never dealt with someone just throwing me away like this. It's so painful. I feel like I was deserving of a face to face break up and closure atleast. But maybe he didnt because he tried getting out so many other times and "you never changed like you said you would".
I tell myself maybe he isnt avoidant and just simply hasnt found the "right one" to give emotional intimacy to since he hasnt done much dating himself. Obviously me and my anxiety would scare a man off. My own insecurities. That I scared him off and with my fits of "acting out" when things werent right. He always told me I was "crazy" or he couldnt deal with my anxieties.
A lady told me this morning too that our relationship would be doomed because he is very atheist and I am a Christian girl.
I still hold hope some day he will stop ignoring me. It hurts so much. 😔
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 10, 2020 18:02:07 GMT
I know it seems like I'm maybe over reacting the whole thing. But I seriously have never dealt with someone just throwing me away like this. It's so painful. I feel like I was deserving of a face to face break up and closure atleast. But maybe he didnt because he tried getting out so many other times and "you never changed like you said you would". I tell myself maybe he isnt avoidant and just simply hasnt found the "right one" to give emotional intimacy to since he hasnt done much dating himself. Obviously me and my anxiety would scare a man off. My own insecurities. That I scared him off and with my fits of "acting out" when things werent right. He always told me I was "crazy" or he couldnt deal with my anxieties. A lady told me this morning too that our relationship would be doomed because he is very atheist and I am a Christian girl. I still hold hope some day he will stop ignoring me. It hurts so much. 😔 I understand...I had the same reaction when I dated a guy who turned out to be a narcissist. His actions don’t make sense to you because you would not do what he did. So now you are churning with trying to understand his behavior through your lens. Can I ask you a question...how did you feel when he kept telling you he was going to leave because you did not change.....do you think that change is required for someone to be committed to you? |
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Post by annieb on Feb 10, 2020 18:26:02 GMT
I know it seems like I'm maybe over reacting the whole thing. But I seriously have never dealt with someone just throwing me away like this. It's so painful. I feel like I was deserving of a face to face break up and closure atleast. But maybe he didnt because he tried getting out so many other times and "you never changed like you said you would". I tell myself maybe he isnt avoidant and just simply hasnt found the "right one" to give emotional intimacy to since he hasnt done much dating himself. Obviously me and my anxiety would scare a man off. My own insecurities. That I scared him off and with my fits of "acting out" when things werent right. He always told me I was "crazy" or he couldnt deal with my anxieties. A lady told me this morning too that our relationship would be doomed because he is very atheist and I am a Christian girl. I still hold hope some day he will stop ignoring me. It hurts so much. 😔 And yet here you are ignoring all of us. You have seventeen people telling you the truths they have learned the hard way and yet you choose to ignore. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 18:32:48 GMT
I didnt change the way I reacted to situations because it must of all have been subconscious. Hence, anytime he threatened to leave and we would split for a few days I'd write him and say "I'll never act that way again, I'm sorry for acting out, I dont know what's wrong with me I just have really bad anxiety" and I guess I still continued to do it, hence I didnt change, but seemingly acted that way on a subconscious level, because I would never try and end myself up in an situation like this. This alllll happened before I knew about this forum or APs and Avoidants. I'm definitely AP forsure, but maybe I was AP with a "normal guy" that thinks I'm "crazy".
Even if he doesnt have much dating experience, does he still sound avoidant, or just a normal guy that cant deal with an anxious girl? And maybe a bit of a jerk.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 10, 2020 18:39:59 GMT
Ultimately I think he is mad at me for probably wasting his time. Because he wanted out in December and numerous times after that, but probably stayed because I said I would "change".
He told his other ex I talk to that he just didnt have the "spark" for her after 3 months. And I think when we had our first disagreement and he "wanted out" he lost the spark with me too. In July the following year all he could say was "something's missing, I need out" but couldnt say what.
I get the work he does is very stressful and dangerous, and he told me he cant have this kind of stress like I am in his life. I feel bad if he is mad because I wasted his time, but I truly didnt mean to. I've never had someone seem to hate me so much or think I'm such trash. Yet he still keeps all of my friends and family on Facebook.
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Post by number9 on Feb 10, 2020 18:49:30 GMT
Ultimately I think he is mad at me for probably wasting his time. Because he wanted out in December and numerous times after that, but probably stayed because I said I would "change". He told his other ex I talk to that he just didnt have the "spark" for her after 3 months. And I think when we had our first disagreement and he "wanted out" he lost the spark with me too. In July the following year all he could say was "something's missing, I need out" but couldnt say what. I get the work he does is very stressful and dangerous, and he told me he cant have this kind of stress like I am in his life. I feel bad if he is mad because I wasted his time, but I truly didnt mean to. I've never had someone seem to hate me so much or think I'm such trash. Yet he still keeps all of my friends and family on Facebook. "I've never had someone seem to hate me so much or think I'm such trash. " <= Except for yourself, maybe? Maybe think about what it means to have love (not hate) for yourself. Of course, it's easier said than done. But imagine if you had a really good friend going through all this. What would you say to comfort them? You can learn to be a better "friend" to yourself. One way to do this is by having self-compassion. Here's a link to more information (even though it's linked to meditation, it can be helpful for people who follow the Christian (or other) faith. self-compassion.org/ |
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Post by dhali on Feb 10, 2020 19:08:49 GMT
Something happened that we wish had not. Which of these is easiest to change: our opinion or the event that is past?
Amor Fati
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Post by alexandra on Feb 10, 2020 20:31:54 GMT
I get the work he does is very stressful and dangerous, and he told me he cant have this kind of stress like I am in his life. He made the choice to stay, while blaming you. He deflects responsibility instead of acting like an adult ready for a real relationship. But this is nothing new. |
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