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Post by lostinlove on Feb 8, 2020 17:55:15 GMT
I'm always telling myself he's a nice, well reserved, introverted man, and I was just too much for him. Maybe I did burn/break him or take advantage of his niceness. Maybe I was just too much to handle. Too much for him. I can see things being great for him and him putting effort into a well reserved, secure girl, with little anxieties. 🤷‍♀️
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Post by dhali on Feb 8, 2020 19:35:09 GMT
That doesn’t represent reality, and is your lack of self esteem creating a new narrative that paints you as not enough. This, imo, is all about your self esteem. You have a fair amount of work to do, and this is currently your jail. Your ex has his own jail.
The funny thing, for both parties, is the keys are sitting right outside the cell within reaching distance. One party knows it’s in the jail, but is so worked up about it, because it feels so unfair, that it’s dubious they will ever notice the keys on the floor. The other party doesn’t even know they are in jail, yet aren’t free. They are too oblivious to know they should be looking for some keys. And even if they noticed the keys, they wouldn’t understand what benefit it has for them.
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, etc. it’ll come back to haunt you if you don’t.
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Post by doctora on Feb 8, 2020 20:15:37 GMT
I'm always telling myself he's a nice, well reserved, introverted man, and I was just too much for him. Maybe I did burn/break him or take advantage of his niceness. Maybe I was just too much to handle. Too much for him. I can see things being great for him and him putting effort into a well reserved, secure girl, with little anxieties. 🤷‍♀️ You're not thinking clearly. Understandable, but please screw your head on straight (I mean that in a nice way). How did you burn/break him or take advantage of his niceness? How was he "nice?" He was a jerk to you during the time when your mom passed, when you SHOULD be able to lean on your partner/boyfriend, etc. I agree with all these responses, but annieb put it really well. You don't make someone abusive or avoidant. Furthermore, why won't you accept the really significant validation provided by the letter from his ex? All the observations made by people - he was an odd duck/a jerk, etc., those were made outside the context of a romantic relationship. He's avoidant; avoidant people are cut off from their emotions, their intuition, and can be seen as distant/cold/weird sometimes. Something is missing, in other words, and it's not always visible, but some people can tell. This is HIS problem: a well-reserved girl who would put up with his distance and has no anxieties won't keep him interested. He will get bored of her. Avoidants are attracted to and driven away from the same people. There isn't one without the other. The push-pull is part of their way of being. They kind of want the challenge, yet they totally can't stand it. "I feel so at fault because I felt myself crying alot and being alot more emotional in this relationship for some reason." "I cannot figure out where I went so dang wrong. We were supposed to be engaged soon." THIS IS CLASSIC AP. You were triggered by this man by behaviors that are unacceptable by any healthy standards and yet you are blaming yourself. May I ask how old you are? You said you were both in mid-thirties. If you want kids and marriage, my dear, you're in the same boat as me. You don't have time to waste on a-holes! You gotta build yourself up - ASAP. And look, it seems like you're a GREAT catch! Being on the AP side of the spectrum comes with a lot of gifts, especially if you work towards becoming more Secure. You'll be a better friend, family member, and eventual partner to someone who you'll be crazy about and will deserve you. You have the capability of connecting with people, being self-reflective, and you can grow. I'm not sure if you read my other thread, but I'm gonna give you some really simplified advice, because I will tell you now, there are a LOTTTTTTT of similarities in the stories of your ex-guy and my ex-guy. A ton. And my drama with him lasted 11 years. I am giving advice to you as if I were giving myself advice, but years prior, when I didn't understand what was going on. Here is my advice, because a whole lot has happened in the 11 years...: 1) STOP blaming yourself, NOW. Not only is it a useless emotion in this case, it's preventing you from seeing things clearly. 2) Go to therapy with a GOOD therapist and try to figure out why you were so attracted to/triggered by/attached to this man. We (APs) don't attach strongly to everyone necessarily. Why this guy? Have all your strongest attractions been to men who were extreme distancers? 3) Do typical break-up advice stuff. Make yourself as hot as you can be, build yourself up, starting making your life the best version of it by filling it with interests, hobbies. Date. Blah blah blah, but its SOOO true. He will definitely see you on social media or in person or hear about you from friends, so start being the confident, beautiful and DIGNIFIED woman you are. Maybe you've already done this, so if so, great, you're on the same page. You'll become more attractive as a person, not just romantically, but in general. 4) Something might dawn on him IF YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE AND IN THE MEANTIME STOP PUTTING HIM ON A PEDESTAL. Energetically speaking. Energetically, you gotta reject HIM, and reject this treatment. Look....he had a major crush on a married woman. He's AVOIDANT. He won't immediately notice that you've distanced, so you have to do it on the energetic plane - meaning, understand that his treatment here was abominable. Plus, not that it's a noble goal, but he is not going to miss you enough if you keep putting your time and energy into this man. I get that it's a process, and I've been there. What are you doing to build up your life in the meantime? 5) Be the girl that got away. That is the ONLY way to get through to an avoidant, if its possible at all. You're the girl that got away, do you get it? You were willing to stay and compromise and do the work, and you saw all the good and the potential, and he treated you like garbage. It hurts, but it has nothing to do with your worth. Be the girl that got away. You think he'll never look back in a stressful or sad moment, and miss the one girl that was willing to do whatever it took to be with him, but that he didn't appreciate or know how to treat? You were his longest relationship. You will double your power as the girl that got away if you prove your ability to GROW into a more secure person as a result of this stuff. All of this takes time, and guess what? That's fine. Nothing happens quickly with DAs. It may take at least 2 years. And, yes, YOU may at that point not give a flying f. You may have met someone better. Maybe you'll be interested in reconciling, maybe not. What I can essentially guarantee you is that he WILL become nostalgic for you and miss you, based on everything you've said. Does that mean he'll be an amazing partner? hellllll no. Not one bit. I don't know if he'll suffer enough to want to change, but you can bet money that he'll miss you if you get wise to this. In other words, you DO need to work on your self esteem, but the first step in that is not to blame yourself for HIS behaviors. Start to act like someone who is responsible for helping and protecting you. Another step is to recognize his behaviors as unacceptable - and then you can start to get into the weeds of why you accepted it. |
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Post by serenity on Feb 8, 2020 20:58:02 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this. This sounds difficult, and debilitating. My next sentence may sound harsh. It's over. I also promise you that it's for the best. Your attachment style is also screaming in this thread. I would focus on your self-esteem. It's not currently high. That has nothing to do with your ex. That's all *your* work to do. You're acting out of a place of fear, when you need to be acting out of a place of love (and that's certainly *not* trying to reconcile). I remember telling my therapist once, when describing the breakup, it's just complete and utter bullshit. Who the hell acts like that? Your situation applies to this as well. And while I can't make any promises, here is where I would place my bets (I think you need to hear this for you to help move on): - He will get into another relationship. After 4ish months, there will be some major conflict. The days are numbered from this point on. - That person will be an AP. Maybe another FA (but anxious leaning) - He will blame that person for the relationship ending. Taking no blame, and unable to reflect on his role in the breakup. - He will have little to no awareness about how callous his actions were or will be with the next person. He's conflict avoidant afterall. This will play on a loop. Over, and over, and over again. You may want to send him a thank you card for releasing you from the hell on earth he set you free from. You're grasping at straws to keep this think alive. The one thing you never get back in life is time. He's already taken too much. There is no happy future there as much as you yearn for it. This. Lostinlove, there is no happy future with this one  The guy's capacity for healthy consistent love is broken. You got a decent honeymoon and some cycles of loving behaviour, and that's all most avoidants can give anyone. You got addicted and anxious because of the intermittent reinforcement, but he didn't meet your basic needs for relationship security and consistency. He let you down in major ways. He made you false promises and gave lame, sketchy and cruel explanations for letting you down time and again. You are not to blame for his attachment style and associated way of thinking. Nothing you did or said caused it, he was like that before you met him. There's no `magic trick' that you can perform on your end that makes an avoidant man not avoidant. You never had to be perfect to earn his love. If you'd met all his `perfection demands' he would have shifted the goal posts to create the emotional distance he craves. I'm so sorry for your loss, Hon. The grief is very painful, but you do get through it. Something that can help a little is to cut down on conversations about him with others, and looking at his social media. Try to fill your mind with things that give your purpose and joy, instead of him. <3 |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 8, 2020 21:18:39 GMT
His mom definitely seemed very avoidant. We went to a baseball game once and she ignored me. A few days later we went to breakfast, and she acted like we werent even there. I told EX I think your mom doesnt like me. And he just said "I dont know, she's been acting all weird, shes like that sometimes. A month later we went to go see some fireworks and she sat in the truck, while his dad, my family, he and I all enjoyed. So I wonder if he gets something from her.
I don't think he at all realizes any of this is him. I don't think he thinks he has any avoidance or issues. Do they usually not realize this?
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 8, 2020 21:24:44 GMT
Anytime we had a disagreement I would ask "are you going to leave me?" And his reply would be "I'm really thinking about it, you really know how to get under my skin". And that always made me alot more anxious and caused more issues, more crying, etc.
I also remember always asking him why he made it so difficult to be with him, like he was a prized possession or famous LOL, it seemed like he was looking for a perfect girl, and that I wasn't perfect, but I was genuine and he would reply "im not perfect either, but I want to make sure the girl I marry is the right one".
Is blocking normal? Another thing I cant wrap my head around is how we go from living together, talking to and seeing each other ever single day, to nothing. He could care less about me or what I'm doing, how im doing, what I'm up to, etc. He thinks because of my Facebook posts that I had a huge ego, when really I was extremely hurt and at a complete loss, angered, shocked. It was nothing meant to degrade him or anything. But I think hes mad at me. Because "life is great, couldnt be better" for him is what he told one of his friends. And he basically acts like NOTHING happened and I NEVER existed.
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Post by serenity on Feb 8, 2020 21:41:56 GMT
His mom definitely seemed very avoidant. We went to a baseball game once and she ignored me. A few days later we went to breakfast, and she acted like we werent even there. I told EX I think your mom doesnt like me. And he just said "I dont know, she's been acting all weird, shes like that sometimes. A month later we went to go see some fireworks and she sat in the truck, while his dad, my family, he and I all enjoyed. So I wonder if he gets something from her. I don't think he at all realizes any of this is him. I don't think he thinks he has any avoidance or issues. Do they usually not realize this? Yes being unaware and blaming / switching partners is common. In my opinion him threatening to leave you each time you disagreed with him is abusive behaviour. |
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Post by amber on Feb 8, 2020 21:50:30 GMT
IMO you are caught in some serious head loops here, going over and over the same thing. This is going to cause you some serious ongoing pain, and at some point you’ll need to decide to let it go. When this happens to me I say “oh, here’s the obsessive thought process happening, I am going to let this go as an act of self love”.
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Post by amber on Feb 8, 2020 21:55:08 GMT
Also,it’s worth considering, that you are likely addicted to the drama of this situation. I say that with love as I recognised I had this issue with myself after my last breakup. Addiction to drama is a real thing, especially when you are AP. What’s the definition of drama addiction? Something you can’t let go of that doesn’t resolve. You are spinning your wheels here.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 8, 2020 23:50:13 GMT
I tell myself if I just would have given him the space he longed for when things were "heated", we wouldnt be dealing with this. He just said space and plenty of it is how he works through conflict.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 9, 2020 0:18:44 GMT
Also, he is pretty bold to think that I dont have a pretty big circle of connections in our area due to being on a water ski team, a hockey team, and working at a large hospital.
Would you guys "warn" someone if you knew someone dating him? Just curious. Thanks.
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Post by dhali on Feb 9, 2020 3:37:33 GMT
Nfw. He’s no longer any of your business. Unplug from the drama. The responsibility of acting like an adult swings both ways. You don’t go out to preemptively sabotage relationships. If she asks you, answer honestly, otherwise, you’re nobody.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 9, 2020 8:59:08 GMT
Would you guys "warn" someone if you knew someone dating him? Just curious. Thanks. I had this situation happen once. The guy was abusive. I ran into them together at a party, and I knew her, but not well. I wondered if I should warn her, but I didn't think she'd listen (no one wants to listen when things are new, what if she thought I was the crazy ex?) plus I had disconnected from the drama and didn't want to have an excuse to be pulled back in with the guy. I decided to take him outside and bluff, and tell him if he didn't tell her what he did to me, I would. This way, I wouldn't have to interact with them an additional time, as we already were unexpectedly at this party together. Many months later, I saw her. Things had gone very badly within a couple months. She actually asked me: why didn't you warn me? I told her exactly everything I just said above, that I thought she may not believe me plus who was I to assume what their relationship was like? But I did mention I'd "threatened" him so he'd tell her. Guess what? It worked, and he DID tell her that very night!!! He told her everything he'd done to me, and she said he didn't vilify me or make me sound crazy at all. He just said he "didn't know" how he could have treated me that way. So she did get a warning, straight from his own mouth, but still chose to laugh it off and not to listen until it happened to her. If it's actually a friend, then warn them... but I'd think an actual friend would already know you dated and that the guy is off limits. Or that you already told them what happened when you turned to friends and a support system after the breakup. If it's not someone you know well, then you're just looking for a tenuous connection, an excuse to stay involved. Don't. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 9, 2020 19:46:20 GMT
I'm always telling myself he's a nice, well reserved, introverted man, and I was just too much for him. Maybe I did burn/break him or take advantage of his niceness. Maybe I was just too much to handle. Too much for him. I can see things being great for him and him putting effort into a well reserved, secure girl, with little anxieties. 🤷‍♀️ Hi there...welcome to the thought process of an AP....I understand exactly where your thinking comes from because it is my struggle as well. First thing is to be curious about your thoughts....ask yourself....what else could be true? This allows your brain to consider other realities that don’t simply make him all good and you all bad. It is good to have other people share the truth to counteract your thoughts but at some point, it is a really good thing to internalize what they are saying so that you can share that back with yourself. Truth is that you don’t know his reality....you can only know your own. When you get into your thoughts looping....you lose touch with the now....taste, smell, tough or focus on looking at something...that should bring you back into the present moment. Hugs. |
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Post by serenity on Feb 9, 2020 20:56:59 GMT
Also, he is pretty bold to think that I dont have a pretty big circle of connections in our area due to being on a water ski team, a hockey team, and working at a large hospital. Would you guys "warn" someone if you knew someone dating him? Just curious. Thanks. I think its good that some of your angry thoughts are starting to peek through. Have you heard of the stages of grief? Denial, bargaining (self blame and wondering what if? is bargaining) Anger, depression, acceptance.. When you are grieving, your mind and emotions will bounce though all of these, sometimes back and forth. Anger is good because it means you are starting to reconnect with your self worth and self preservation. Let your Angry feelings out, fantasize vengeance if you have to. But just don't act on any of it IMO. When you properly and fully reconnect with your self worth, you finally see that you didn't lose a man who treated you poorly. He lost a woman who treated him exceptionally well. And that is a real loss. |
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The guy's capacity for healthy consistent love is broken. You got a decent honeymoon and some cycles of loving behaviour, and that's all most avoidants can give anyone. You got addicted and anxious because of the intermittent reinforcement, but he didn't meet your basic needs for relationship security and consistency. He let you down in major ways. He made you false promises and gave lame, sketchy and cruel explanations for letting you down time and again.
