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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2020 12:49:35 GMT
It was never more than 2 or 3 days. During that time though he would ignore me until he basically cooled down. But he did seem to "punish" me alot. If he was mad about something he would try to back out of trips or plans we had. And then last minute decide "I guess we can still go". I think his time off was to see if he would miss me or maybe if I would try fighting for him back. His last ex after they dated for 3 months she asked where the relationship was going since it seemed so superficial and what his thoughts were, and his reply was "I dont know I need a week away to see if I miss you enough or not". And he didn't miss her enough I guess to stay with her, but pleaded with her to stay friends. Funny/sad story. When her dad died, she had to leave state on a Thursday. Well she called him when she got where she was going to tell him what had happened and his reply was "oh ok, well are you going to be back to hangout this weekend still?" What?!? She said he never seemed to commit to anything because it seemed like he was always waiting for something better to come up. I truly get this desire and need to understand him....I really, really do...but you are just going to go round in circles trying to analyze his behavior. I do get the need to break free from the “he was so perfect, I missed out” storyline....and looking at his flaws is a good way to start, as long as you don’t get stuck there...focused on him and losing sight of you. Part of healing is turning the dialogue back to “I felt this, I needed that” because you have an opportunity to be there for yourself in a way he could not. Understanding him will bring temporary relief, loving yourself will change everything. |
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Post by dhali on Feb 11, 2020 16:12:53 GMT
To me, it sounds like you were just there to keep someone in his life.
What you are describing is a caricature of a person who is extremely self absorbed. I can’t see him being with anyone who isn’t of service to him first, foremost, and seemingly, exclusively. You’re a piece of property that he gave scraps of emotion to. I get how this is damaging to your psyche. Mainly because he treated you as a sub-human girlfriend.
I know you’re having trouble seeing this, and most here will probably take unbrige with the following, this guy is a piece of shit. An oblivious piece of shit (or even worse, am aware one), but a piece of shit none the less. He is not capable of treating others as human.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2020 22:41:07 GMT
So.....I was in a different, but a bit similar situation...I won’t go into details but I found out after he broke up with me that he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy. It absolutely destroyed me...it made no sense.....why in the world would he spend 10.5 months with me, practically moved in, asked for a key to my place, introduced me to his friends and family..if he wasn’t planning on having a future with me. It still stings.....but I have had to realize that my experience was just different then his.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 11, 2020 22:44:13 GMT
Mine wants kids, marriage, and a woman that will support his farm and help on the farm. He is almost 39 years old.
He had it right in front of his face! Me! Ugh. Makes no sense at all.
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Post by serenity on Feb 12, 2020 8:18:39 GMT
Hard when unconscious stuff overules an unaware partner emotionally. Your ex might consciously want X,Y,Z. But unconsciously there some other agenda there.
Its more empowering to look at your own unconscious agendas though, in these situations. I hope that on a conscious level, you wouldn't desire a guy who rejects and tries to break up with you because you got emotional about your mother dying. Or you had major health issues that required hospitalization. And that you had feelings about him rejecting you when you needed him most?
And yet you kept chasing this guy after he let you down so badly, if you can see what I mean? It makes no sense, unless you dig into what you wanted unconsciously.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 12, 2020 10:45:36 GMT
Being everything he wanted though, I'm actually surprised he didnt treat me better. He did do alot of really nice things, spent alot of time with me, tried, etc. He just didnt know how to handle difficult things. I honestly think since I was his first LTR and he's never gotten to the point of conflict in a relationship he just doesnt know. When he left, I said if you ever come back, we can do couples counseling to learn how to work together better. He just said "I dont know what would ever make me change my mind to want to come back to you". So hes back on Bumble and Tinder, but at his age, I have no idea what he thinks he will find to meet all his needs. He can't be so picky. He probably assumes because I supported him in every way, everyone else will AND there will be little conflict and stress.
Something tells me he will be back when he realizes the grass isnt greener. Somehow we lasted the longest. Probably because I suggested we work on things when he wanted out at 3 months. When his one ex asked him what he was looking for when he wanted out from her at 3 months, he said he was "shopping for his future wife" LOL "someone I won't lose a spark for". And his family supposedly told him when he find the right one, he will just know. Sometimes I had to "teach" him so many things about relationships, even though I'm not super experienced. He just seemed odd or like he would get stressed out if I showed any "negativity", had bad days, or showed any deep emotion. And then the "I dont know how to handle or think I can date a girl with anxiety or depression". Idk. I told my therapist I wonder if this behavior from him is all just because he just doesnt have relationship experience, and she said very well could be.
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 12, 2020 14:47:45 GMT
If he in fact comes back, there is only one thing that i can guarantee will happen. And that is that you will break up again due to neither of you having fixed your issues. That is a promise-and I don't even know you. And although your therapist COULD be right, I would argue that "not having relationship experience" at 39 is a huge, HUGE red flag. Something deeper is happening here.
Please, PLEASE do yourself a favor and read the other posts in the fearful avoidant and this section. Make your own decision. Does he sound avoidant to you? Read the posts that ask if anyone has long term success in relationships with one highly AP attached person (which you are) and an avoidant. The answer is a resounding NO. Compatibility is so much more than someone who is ok with the farm lifestyle, or someone who wants to work on the relationship (you keep bringing these up as hallmarks of compatibility) -compatibility is when NEEDS align. Consider reading about avoidants in general because at their core, independence is MORE important to them than a relationship. The successful pairings involving an avoidant on this forum are often with other avoidants because their lack of intimacy requirement IS COMPATIBLE (and even then one partner usually can't handle it anymore and brings those frustrations to the forum). I don't want to be harsh to you, but saying you were "everything he wanted" really misses so much of the fundamental compatibility issues you guys have. I think you have to start by actually identifying your needs. It's not about this one good memory or this one sweet thing he said to you, it's about your needs that align.
Also, remember that this didnt just start with recent ex. According to you, you "begged and begged" for your last boyfriend not to dump you after a few months of being together. (If someone did that to me, I would be not ok with it at all). I know you are seeing a therapist now but they aren't all created equally for this stuff. Seriously make getting YOUR attachment issues under control a priority for 2020. Imagine how empowered you will feel if 2021 rolls around and you have such a better grasp on your own issues and you're actually able to select a partner who IS compatible with you. That is exciting.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 12, 2020 15:06:24 GMT
The only reason he doesnt sound avoidant to me is because when things were going well, they were really well.
And besides him having the whole day to himself while I was at work, we spent a lot of time together. Obviously around having conflict and him wanting out then. But we'd part for 2-3 days max usually, because I'd talk him into coming back and saying I'd do better, but then I'd seem to get triggered again, and same cycle. But even after we parted and got back together, I was still usually "punished" it seemed like in the fact he tried so hard to cancel any upcoming plans we had together, or try and back out himself, just wanting me to go alone.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 12, 2020 15:19:06 GMT
If he is truly avoidant, and I was his first LTR, and with issues, even though he may not know it yet, inevitably will he eventually feel the same in his next relationships once they progress? He will "want out"? He is way too stubborn I think to understand attachment. If he just doesnt have the "spark" its not right for him. Or if someone else blames themself, me, he will take that and run. Like he did.
Right now I think to him it's all my fault, probably because I blamed it all on myself, and he can do better.
Deep down where I struggle the most is I just pushed him away from me and scared a good, secure, normal guy off with my insecurities.
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 12, 2020 15:34:55 GMT
I'm not qualified to diagnose him (no one here is-even therapists have to sign an oath that they won't diagnose someone who isn't their patient) but I can tell you I have had many relationships-most over a year and NONE of my boyfriends did that. The closest was my most recent one who is in fact a diagnosed fearful avoidant. So I only have prior evidence to go off of
You already know the answer to your question because every relationship prior to you ended this way. So this is how he is. A leopard can't change its spots (unless he works on it which this guy has zero interest in doing). It will happen again and again which is so sad to me, really.
In the long run, I feel more sorry for him than i do for you you and here is why- YOU are on this forum. You are reading about attachment. YOu are going to a therapist. It may not happen today or tomorrow but at some point you will see the light (and it will feel like a revelation) whereas he will probably live in a prison of loneliness forever. That is so sad to me.
You are going to get better. You really are. I have hope for you
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 12, 2020 16:11:35 GMT
He told his previous ex, not the most recent before me, but the one before that, the one I talk to, that he is pretty new to dating, so he didnt have experience. But it makes me wonder why WE lasted the longest. If he would of had his way, he would of left at 3 months, but I wanted so bad for him to stay and work on it. So we tried. But then he kept wanting out. Until I finally "burned and broke him" as he puts it. He did seem really aggravated alot, and that too I figured was me causing it.
And that's all I've blown this off to be. Inexperience on both of us. And that he just hasnt found the "right one" yet or the lasting "spark", which is why none of his others have lasted more than 3 months and why he wanted to end it. But yet I WANTED to work through things so bad. We made a list one day that we both agreed to and things seemed to get better after that. But then he slowly started doing the opposite of what we talked about/agreed upon, most importantly not leaving when things got bad, not taking away love and affection, etc. It seemed he always acted on impulse. How he felt in the moment.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 12, 2020 18:59:36 GMT
Still part of me wonders if I'm part FA too. Sometimes I think I kind of probably tested his patience with me. But I feel like that all came out of fear of being rejected by him so much and probably my AP also. Because I crave closeness in my relationships.
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 12, 2020 22:22:28 GMT
Still part of me wonders if I'm part FA too. Sometimes I think I kind of probably tested his patience with me. But I feel like that all came out of fear of being rejected by him so much and probably my AP also. Because I crave closeness in my relationships. This could be. If you ever feel scared about someone getting too close (or as my ex used to say "The indescribable urge to get away when someone gets close") you may very well be. It's hard to know. I would look into seeing at attachment specialist who can help you sort through all of this stuff. I know Ive read (and seen here on this forum many times) that when an FA is paired with another FA who is more avoidant, it will bring out their AP tendencies.
You have a lot to explore, but this is the first time I have really seen you explore some more of these ideas with YOURSELF. That's the key!
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 12, 2020 22:41:06 GMT
It's so weird though, I've never felt so comfortable with someone ever. I've never been so broken over losing someone either. I was crazy attached to this guy, and he intermittently was to me too more than others I guess.
I don't remember in previous relationships ever pulling away. I think I just was always in fear of "is today the day?". Otherwise I desired and craved closeness, especially when things were tough.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 13, 2020 13:58:01 GMT
So just curious if he was secure and just inexperienced and simply just uninterested in his past relationships, or even me, and I was just too insecure, could I have just triggered my own AP?
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