Help! Sorry, very long and detailed.

It does matter, because I literally cannot stop blaming this all on myself. I need help, I need answers. He never gave me closure, other than I "burned and broke" him, so I'm desperately trying to find closure. I'm hurting so bad feeling like I was completely at fault causing him to treat me this way because I was insecure. Just trying to understand this all. I know people have said he sounds avoidant, but our "breakups" were only for 2-3 days at most, and he just threw me out of his life like I never existed, never apologized, nothing. So I literally am so down and defeated.

I'll give you the drum, if he was a healthy "secure" attachment, if you were overbearing and or emotionally dysfunctional, and if it were me, and I called something off, I wouldn't be back for more I can tell you. Definitely an insecure attachment (along with his use of abusive language as well, you never talk to someone like that regardless, you in a centred way sit down and literally try and talk about stuff first). And by the sounds you've been in a stereotypical Anxious-Avoidant trap.

Just wanted to add if you are still trying to contact him and his exes `for answers' and checking up on him on dating apps or social media, try *really* hard to stop all that. That kind of behaviour will intensify your anxiety and panic.

I agree with Amber. You are building a narrative about him `being perfect' and you being `all to blame', just as a young child creates a similar narrative towards a parent who isn't meeting their needs. Children do this because of their complete dependence on their parent, and to create an illusion of safety. If you are doing this in an adult relationship, instead of setting boundaries against abuse and abandoning behaviour, you are projecting something from your childhood.

Your job right now is to find your boundaries. You inner boundaries that protect your self worth especially. An abusive guy who frequently threatened to leave you, controls you via pushing buttons, makes promises then breaks connection with partners without any concern or remorse, is someone scary and not to be trusted. You should not be pursuing a man like this. You should be protecting yourself instead. I really hope you will come to see this.

Because there’s a magical woman out there that will erase his entire past of abuse and mistreatment from parents and never trigger his baggage and wounds?

I just finished reading that attachment book by Amir Levine that I recommended to you.
From what I read, I have this understanding:

APs have more in common than secures, in their need
for and acceptance of intimacy. Both would have difficulty with an avoidant, but a secure would have less difficulty leaving one. It is true that secures can ditch APs as well, but I’ve seen LOTS of couples (myself included) of APs and secures - they tend to do well, bc 1) secures tend to empathize and forgive more easily and 2) the APs often calm down with a good, secure partner. Sure, they are extreme APs to the point of abuse perhaps (for example, the ones who cheat, who manipulate to get reassurance), but I think that’s actually pretty rare and may be comorbid with some other psychological conditions. APs are often resilient, good partners who have unsorted issues from childhood and can benefit from a supportive partner and can become more secure, because they really value connection.

A lot of advice towards avoidants are to be with someone who is secure, but the truth is being with an avoidant can make secures more anxious. In the rare cases where ive read a “success” story about a relationship with an avoidant, it usually is with a partner who is AP and became more secure (the AP aspect caused a bond in the first place), or a secure who became more AP with the avoidant’s behavior and set some boundaries, but ultimately ended up compromising one-way.

My point is that, there is way more hope for you than this guy, once you address yourself issues, than this ex who is avoidant. If a secure woman did happen to get interested in him, she would be TURNED OFF by his avoidance that would inevitably rear its head. I guess this theoretical secure, if she stuck around, could mellow him out a bit.

Your best bet for success in any relationship, whether it be this one (I doubt that’s gonna happen, but it could) or a new one with someone better, is to start the process of understanding your anxiety and become more secure. Rejecting his behavior is the first step - that is what a secure would do. And that is the ONLY thing that in the long run, that would ironically challenge him to step up his game. Again, prolly not gonna happen!!!


But the answer to right now is to be assured, it is 100% positive he was avoidant and that you are anxious-preoccupied.

Please. Do yourself a favour and read Jeb’s books, particularly for you, the Bad Boyfriends book. It explains the behaviour, thr whys, the hows, the triggers, and more importantly how you can trim your own sails so it doesn’t happen again.