|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 16, 2020 13:43:03 GMT
You guys are my last string of hope. I am so close to giving up. So darn close. I take anti depressants and go to therapy every week. NOTHING is helping me.
I cannot stand hearing and seeing how happy he is. Its destroying me. I obviously messed up somehow big time. I was his first relationship that lasted over 3 months. But I'm sure its because I kept promising him things would get better and I would change. Then we'd somehow end up in the same cycle. I frickin destroyed him. I let him down. I know people are really mad at me for the Facebook post and yes, I'm mad at myself for it too.
But how was I not supposed to be upset when two days before he dumped me I had just told him I had a really hard month coming up and he promised to be there for me. We had my engagement ring picked out and our wedding planned. My dress bought. For the first time in my life it was coming together. He reassured me we had so much to look forward to. Then he dumped me over the phone, told me to get out of his life like I was nothing. And now we are literally enemies and strangers. After living together, seeing each other, and talking every day. He said he never wants to see or hear from me ever again. And I burned and broke him. He was my best friend. I'm hurting tremendously. I probably was too needy or emotional for him, a mutual friend thinks he is just scared because she said she thinks he grew up in a household where they didnt really share emotions.
This is literally KILLING me. I love him to pieces and it kills me he is so happy. It kills me he will be so happy I'm sure with his next girl. I am literally one of the nicest persons ever, and now I'm having to deal with this. Nothing has ever hurt this much in my life ever. I'm so mad and angry at myself, and really hate myself for treating someone so bad, obviously. Because that is not me. I will forever live in grief. When my mom died I never hurt this bad even. He is so new to dating I'm sure I killed his perception of relationships. I'm sure I'm overthinking this whole avoidance thing and he simply just did not like me or want me. I should of left when he first wanted out.
People keep telling me move on, go date other people. But I cant. There was just something about this guy. Literally it's so unsettling. There was just something about him that I cannot even stand the thought of dating anyone besides him. I went out with an old coworker the other night and I think he could tell I was so uncomfortable and not right that he isnt even talking to me now anymore. I literally cannot hang on much longer guys. I'm so destroyed over destroying this guy. I live with so much guilt that I am so unhappy and will forever be this way. I cannot get rid of the guilt. I destroyed the best thing to ever happen to me. I am so close to letting go. So so close. I'm hanging on by threads. I couldnt understand why I didnt get closure and apologies from him, but now I understand. It's because it was me, not him. I made him promise after promise that I would do better. And I didnt. I promised that I wouldn't cry so much or get so worked up or emotional over things. And somehow I still always did. I am the one that treated him so bad. I dont deserve closure or an apology from him. And now I'm sure he will try harder with a next girl that shows emotions so they dont end up in the same cycle. He wants to settle down, he wants his own kids, he wants marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Feb 16, 2020 16:17:18 GMT
You guys are my last string of hope. I am so close to giving up. So darn close. I take anti depressants and go to therapy every week. NOTHING is helping me. I cannot stand hearing and seeing how happy he is. Its destroying me. I obviously messed up somehow big time. I was his first relationship that lasted over 3 months. But I'm sure its because I kept promising him things would get better and I would change. Then we'd somehow end up in the same cycle. I frickin destroyed him. I let him down. I know people are really mad at me for the Facebook post and yes, I'm mad at myself for it too. But how was I not supposed to be upset when two days before he dumped me I had just told him I had a really hard month coming up and he promised to be there for me. We had my engagement ring picked out and our wedding planned. My dress bought. For the first time in my life it was coming together. He reassured me we had so much to look forward to. Then he dumped me over the phone, told me to get out of his life like I was nothing. And now we are literally enemies and strangers. After living together, seeing each other, and talking every day. He said he never wants to see or hear from me ever again. And I burned and broke him. He was my best friend. I'm hurting tremendously. I probably was too needy or emotional for him, a mutual friend thinks he is just scared because she said she thinks he grew up in a household where they didnt really share emotions. This is literally KILLING me. I love him to pieces and it kills me he is so happy. It kills me he will be so happy I'm sure with his next girl. I am literally one of the nicest persons ever, and now I'm having to deal with this. Nothing has ever hurt this much in my life ever. I'm so mad and angry at myself, and really hate myself for treating someone so bad, obviously. Because that is not me. I will forever live in grief. When my mom died I never hurt this bad even. He is so new to dating I'm sure I killed his perception of relationships. I'm sure I'm overthinking this whole avoidance thing and he simply just did not like me or want me. I should of left when he first wanted out. People keep telling me move on, go date other people. But I cant. There was just something about this guy. Literally it's so unsettling. There was just something about him that I cannot even stand the thought of dating anyone besides him. I went out with an old coworker the other night and I think he could tell I was so uncomfortable and not right that he isnt even talking to me now anymore. I literally cannot hang on much longer guys. I'm so destroyed over destroying this guy. I live with so much guilt that I am so unhappy and will forever be this way. I cannot get rid of the guilt. I destroyed the best thing to ever happen to me. I am so close to letting go. So so close. I'm hanging on by threads. I couldnt understand why I didnt get closure and apologies from him, but now I understand. It's because it was me, not him. I made him promise after promise that I would do better. And I didnt. I promised that I wouldn't cry so much or get so worked up or emotional over things. And somehow I still always did. I am the one that treated him so bad. I dont deserve closure or an apology from him. And now I'm sure he will try harder with a next girl that shows emotions so they dont end up in the same cycle. He wants to settle down, he wants his own kids, he wants marriage. You are running the fantasy tape in your head. There are other threads here about the fantasy loop of thoughts where you basically imagine the guy having the time of his life with his new girlfriend while you wallow in misery and take all the blame for the demise of your relationship. That is delusional fantastical escapist thinking. It’s self hatred wrapped in a veil of limerence. I would get a different therapist and get on the CBT train. Try an app called Pocket CBT. We are all out of ideas how to help you. But you have to take someone’s advice here. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2020 18:02:16 GMT
It's so hard to move on without him though. Its literally eating me away. I cannot stop telling myself he just wasnt interested in me, or I was just too much for him, and wanted out simply because of that. Three months later I still cry every day about it. I still cry wondering why I wasnt worth it to him, all the nice things I did for him, all the love I portrayed to him. I mean when I was on the steroids that just added to my AP, and I'm sure I wasnt pleasant to be around. He did stay for a while. How is that not someone you want to be with? I appreciate everyone's help right now, thoughts, input, etc. Its hard for me to open up a book right now. Hi there....I understand,I really, really do....it has almost been 3 years for me and I still miss the guy I dated. Right now....give yourself a lot of grace and allow your mind the flexibility that what you think is not necessarily true...that there are other truths that may be more plausible then the storyline you keep repeating to yourself. If you find that you are still feeling this way after you are in therapy for a while...there may be something else going on....there may be an imbalance of your hormones or your serotonin levels. |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 16, 2020 18:12:18 GMT
What do you mean by this?
|
|
|
|
Post by number9 on Feb 16, 2020 19:38:13 GMT
What do you mean by this? I think she's saying there are other ways you could look at your situation. As it is, you are imagining/ruminating/obsessing about what is going to happen in his life -- even though you really don't know. We create "storylines" about the things that happen in our lives, then we add to the stories as we think them through, in our minds. If you can picture your relationship as a movie, you are making yourself sound like a terrible "bad guy" -- but that is unrealistic. It's only one way of looking at the situation. If you felt like it, you could probably turn the story around (imagine it differently) and make him look like the "bad guy" -- but that would not be realistic either. No one is all good or all bad. It seems like you are so sad, regretful, and confused that you really are not thinking clearly. But I don't think you could be as awful as you make yourself sound. It's just not possible! How about this? Imagine if you were talking to someone really kind who you respect (NOT the ex!), what would you want to hear? What would you want them to tell you? As horrible and devastated as you feel, you CAN get over it. You CAN feel better -- and one day in the future, you will look back at this time and it won't be so painful. People break up all the time -- every day -- sometimes in terrible ways, even after marriages that lasted for 30+ years. Really bad things happen sometimes, but we can rise above them. So can you! |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 16, 2020 19:53:45 GMT
And I still hope he will come back or reach out some day. It seems strange that he would want to leave things on such terrible terms. We have so many mutual friends, inevitably we will cross paths.
I always thought I would be his "one that got away" some day, but now I'm thinking it will be the other way around.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2020 23:14:02 GMT
And I still hope he will come back or reach out some day. It seems strange that he would want to leave things on such terrible terms. We have so many mutual friends, inevitably we will cross paths. I always thought I would be his "one that got away" some day, but now I'm thinking it will be the other way around. Can I ask you a question.....what specifically about him makes him the “one that got away”? Be very specific....every single detail, word, thought that is in your mind right now. |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 16, 2020 23:28:06 GMT
Well if we werent having disagreements...
We spent a lot of time together. He put alot of his things aside to do stuff together. Small trips here and there, hanging out with my friends, etc. He helped me with some financial things I needed help with. He helped me if I was sick, accompanied me to appointments, sent me alot of nice texts.
He was always there for me as long as we werent on "bad terms". Then he'd be gone or I would be kicked out while he reevaluated the relationship, or unavaliable to me. Usually for 2-3 days at most. Or he would back out of planned trips and I always asked "why do you seem to punish me?" Is that bad? When he dumped me, he listed off all the dates he wanted to leave me. Starting at like month 3 or 4.
I miss all the promises he made me. The future we were supposed to have. He told me he never wanted to lose me. We were building his house together. I was picking all the things out. We were supposed to get engaged, we had my ring picked out.
I literally think nothing is wrong with him and I was just too emotional and needy for him, for some reason. I don't even know why, other than the steroids I was taking made me really edgy sometimes. And maybe partly the way he treated me sometimes. But I feel like maybe I deserved it for how I was with my emotions.
A mutual friend had said he grew up in a home where there was probably no sharing of emotions really.
Does he really still sound avoidant, or just maybe emotionally unavaliable/inexperienced? Or does he seem to have avoidant traits? He seemed to lack empathy quite a bit.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2020 23:51:26 GMT
Well if we werent having disagreements... We spent a lot of time together. He put alot of his things aside to do stuff together. Small trips here and there, hanging out with my friends, etc. He helped me with some financial things I needed help with. He helped me if I was sick, accompanied me to appointments, sent me alot of nice texts. He was always there for me as long as we werent on "bad terms". Then he'd be gone or I would be kicked out while he reevaluated the relationship, or unavaliable to me. Usually for 2-3 days at most. Or he would back out of planned trips and I always asked "why do you seem to punish me?" Is that bad? When he dumped me, he listed off all the dates he wanted to leave me. Starting at like month 3 or 4. I miss all the promises he made me. The future we were supposed to have. He told me he never wanted to lose me. We were building his house together. I was picking all the things out. We were supposed to get engaged, we had my ring picked out. I literally think nothing is wrong with him and I was just too emotional and needy for him, for some reason. I don't even know why, other than the steroids I was taking made me really edgy sometimes. And maybe partly the way he treated me sometimes. But I feel like maybe I deserved it for how I was with my emotions. A mutual friend had said he grew up in a home where there was probably no sharing of emotions really. Does he really still sound avoidant, or just maybe emotionally unavaliable/inexperienced? Or does he seem to have avoidant traits? He seemed to lack empathy quite a bit. Regardless, he sounds like a man that was more than willing to have a relationship on his terms...meaning, as long as you did not ask “too much” of him, he was willing to be there for you....but when he felt like you were on “bad terms” he would pull back. That is not a secure man....that is a man who is looking for a relationship that fits a model that he had in his mind. People are not perfect and relationships are meant to be supportive, even when 2 people do not see things eye to eye. That is not a good relationship for you....that is one that keeps you on edge, striving to do things right but never really knowing where you stand. The fact that he kept a mental list of all the times he was going to break up with you shows that he was willing to bail at you at any time when it suited him. I am very sorry you went through this...you must have been so hopeful that this would be it...and it is obvious that you did your very best given what you knew. He is unavailable...because he was unwilling to meet your basic emotional needs for support. It was all transactional...you do or act this way...and I will be there for you...you piss me off....I will leave you. I know it feels like you lost a prince....oh....how I know your storyline. When you have a few hours...days....go and click on my name and read my posts and threads. In them you will find someone who struggled in the very same way. Again, I am truly, truly sorry for the emotional spinning you went through. Hugs. |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 16, 2020 23:58:56 GMT
tnr9 - do people like that usually change? Like if they find someone better they like? Or if they are unavailable, they are usually always unavailable based off their insecurities? Hes back on Tinder and Bumble looking for a new relationship. I dont know what I was missing. I supported him so much.
I fear I was just too emotional. But like I say I think alot of it was out of fear.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 17, 2020 0:09:54 GMT
tnr9 - do people like that usually change? Like if they find someone better they like? Or if they are unavailable, they are usually always unavailable based off their insecurities? Hes back on Tinder and Bumble looking for a new relationship. I dont know what I was missing. I supported him so much. I fear I was just too emotional. But like I say I think alot of it was out of fear. I understand the question...chances are, without any therapy, he will remain like that....that is not to say however that the dynamic will not be different. He may find someone who he feels fits his inner storyline better...but she too will be constantly evaluated against it. Don’t you want someone who thinks you are beautiful, who cherishes you as you are? That you emotions will not be considered too much? |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Feb 17, 2020 0:18:59 GMT
tnr9 - do people like that usually change? Like if they find someone better they like? Or if they are unavailable, they are usually always unavailable based off their insecurities? Hes back on Tinder and Bumble looking for a new relationship. I dont know what I was missing. I supported him so much. I fear I was just too emotional. But like I say I think alot of it was out of fear. I feel that you are asking the group on this forum the same questions over and over. People are taking the time to respond to you with kind suggestions and advice but you are continuing to ask the same questions. It doesn’t seem helpful to you at this point to keep answering them if you are going to keep going around in circles like this. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 17, 2020 0:46:07 GMT
tnr9 - do people like that usually change? Like if they find someone better they like? Or if they are unavailable, they are usually always unavailable based off their insecurities? Hes back on Tinder and Bumble looking for a new relationship. I dont know what I was missing. I supported him so much. I fear I was just too emotional. But like I say I think alot of it was out of fear. I feel that you are asking the group on this forum the same questions over and over. People are taking the time to respond to you with kind suggestions and advice but you are continuing to ask the same questions. It doesn’t seem helpful to you at this point to keep answering them if you are going to keep going around in circles like this. Yep....that is the circular thinking of the tapes....very hard to break them. |
|
|
|
Post by amber on Feb 17, 2020 1:17:51 GMT
I feel that you are asking the group on this forum the same questions over and over. People are taking the time to respond to you with kind suggestions and advice but you are continuing to ask the same questions. It doesn’t seem helpful to you at this point to keep answering them if you are going to keep going around in circles like this. Yep....that is the circular thinking of the tapes....very hard to break them. And what’s your opinion on whether engaging people in the circular tapes is useful?i had these tapes going non stop for 8 weeks after my breakup with FA, and after a while I realised that going over it with people actually just solidified the obsessing and made it worse...it becomes addictive and you keep looking for answers that you are never satisfied with. At some point you need to let go of going over it with friends etc. other people get sick of it too! I found that I was just annoying people in the end, and realising that actually helps me to drop it, I didn’t want to become the irritating friend that banged on about their ex non stop. Ultimately life does go on and my r/ship breakdown was not the centre of the universe 😂 |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 17, 2020 1:22:22 GMT
I get it. I was with my ex husband for 25 YEARS and share 4 children w him, the dream house I designed and my dad built and I had an easier time walking away from my marriage and letting go of HIM then I do with my DA. This DA has been 2.5 years and he hasn’t shown up for me- incapable, afraid to trust, fearful of vulnerability- for the past 2 years and yet I can’t seem to let him go.
Shutting down is his go to- it drives me crazy...totally triggers my fear of abandonment. He may shut down for days or weeks. He’s hopeless and defeated. Believes “nice guys finish last.” Never have I been with a man so infuriating before!! Logically, this guy is offering me nothing, yet I still want to make it work. I still haven’t let go. I even frustrate myself for not telling him off and never looking back. Of course, being over 40 and not being around single guys doesn’t help either!
|
|
