Help! Sorry, very long and detailed.

The forums are good for help but we have to ask ourselves if we are enabling unhealthy obsessive thinking by going around in circles all the time with peoples ruminations

Personally....I think we are here to provide our story.  Most of us are not therapists.  Grieving is individual.  Grace doesn’t mean enabling.

I don’t think it is about that at all...it is about offering someone space to come to their own resolution.  If she is hurting and needs to ask the same questions over and over again...is it really enabling?  I would answer no.   And the need to ask the same question is not about resolution, it is about addressing the anxiety that arises from all the intermittent reinforcement that she experienced.  I experienced the same thing.  

To me personally, he sounds textbook avoidant.

The textbook avoidant parts: He initiated a sudden breakup at 3 months (end of the honeymoon) citing flimsy reasons, as was his pattern with many women before you. This is very common behaviour for Avoidants and people with personality disorders. If you have the energy to read this forum, starting with really old posts, you'll see this is what most Avoidants do at the 3-6 months mark and it HURTS like crazy. It can start a trauma bond that is very hard for you to break . 

Other textbook avoidant traits: He frequently discussed breaking up when you planned nice trips, had nice dates together,  and especially when planning the engagement.  Avoidants get triggered by the closeness and relationship escalation, but unaware ones don't know this. They start to find fault with their partner instead.

Conflict: If you read back what you have written, his pattern was to create conflict ``that he doesn't he like'' by blowing small things up, finding fault with your (understandable) emotions during hard times, negative thinking, blowing you off when you needed support during health scares and emergencies. Avoidants   all have different distancing strategies designed to dampen their sense of closeness to you.... creating conflict to get distance or initiate a breakup is a common one. 

Reaction to your protest behaviour: Avoidants will panic and run fast and far if they feel they can't ever get the space they need when they are feeling engulfed. His brutal rejection of the relationship when you persisted and chased him is typical avoidant behaviour. 

If you had not protested and chased? You would have still had the frequent attempted breakups because of your normal connection needs and relationship progression, that led him to cause conflict, and fault find.

I know you want him back. And if you stop all the chasing maybe eventually you'll get your chance. But this particular relationship won't work if you continue to blame yourself for his attachment wounds, or pretend they don't exist, and then use this self blame to smother him and fail to give space.  His need for space has nothing to do with you, but you can make it a lot worse. Ultimately, what he wants, the way he behaves, and the way he interprets his avoidance (as everyone else's fault) make him pretty difficult for anyone. Whereas you could easily find someone non avoidant and make things work, when you've properly healed. 















 

Also, I seemed to start alot of our disagreements it seems like, but heres how/why.

In December, he told me I needed to get over my mom dying. I told him that was really not nice when you've never been through it. Then I started crying and he goes "oh your so dramatic, I just want out" and of course that set my anxiousness off big time and I begged him to stay, etc. And it made no sense to me anyways that he already wanted away.

Or when I had to call 911 the first night and I tried talking to him about it, he didnt want to hear it. And that made me super upset. So he left and "needed his space".

Then, as I would say other stuff, or he wouldnt compromise about stuff, or I would be mad it felt like he was "punishing" me, I would say something and try and bring a matter up and he would just sit there with a blank look on his face. And I would ask him about it and he would say "I'm just a simple man" or "I'm in my nothing box" or "you just want to fight all the time". But it would be because he refused to compromise or was "punishing" me. That stuff really set me off. Or the day he told me he just decided he didnt want to go on a planned trip anymore. That caused me to get upset, and he would say "see this is why I want away from you, you are scary" or "you are so dramatic".

He always just blew everything off as just being a "simple man". Or would constantly say "what do you want me to say?" Or "what do you want me to do about it"? Etc But he NEVER wanted to compromise it seemed like and he also used alot "well it is what it is, and if your not happy you can leave"

I think everyone is exhausted reading this and at their wit’s end on how to help you. Can you download the Pocket CBT app and see if you just fill in one entry? See what happens.

You are not that powerful. Case closed.