|
|
Post by Helsbells on Feb 17, 2020 18:34:55 GMT
I'm just really trying to understand if my attachment style maybe caused a secure person to treat me this way? Like I took advantage of a good person. So if I find a secure, this will happen again? Lost in love, try to love yourself more and let go. They do come back but not if your acting so desperate and needy. You need to focus on your self worth and your qualities and loving yourself first. Take him off the pedestal and put yourself on it. Believe me, I've been where you are now so I totally understand your hurt and feeling of rejection but this is not about your worth, this is his stuff and reactions and the best advice I can give you, as someone who has been in your shoes is to focus on healing yourself. |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 17, 2020 18:59:07 GMT
I dont think he will because he told me I "burned" him. He didnt tell me what, but I assume the Facebook post, and then crap my "friends" were posting, that I had no control over. But now I do...
|
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 17, 2020 19:01:29 GMT
I did tell him though in an email that he will have a hard time finding someone to accept him for all his flaws, farming, running away, etc.
So when he was ready to come back to someone that loved him and would work on things, I'd take him back. I said "just let me know". But he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again.
|
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Feb 17, 2020 19:06:13 GMT
I did tell him though in an email that he will have a hard time finding someone to accept him for all his flaws, farming, running away, etc. So when he was ready to come back to someone that loved him and would work on things, I'd take him back. I said "just let me know". But he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again. Oh dear I'm sorry to hear that. Listen if you work on yourself and let go, who knows. We insecures cant be predicted. Mine has blocked me and unblocked me so many times I'm bored off it now. Focus on loving yourself hun xx |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 17, 2020 21:02:58 GMT
I did tell him though in an email that he will have a hard time finding someone to accept him for all his flaws, farming, running away, etc. So when he was ready to come back to someone that loved him and would work on things, I'd take him back. I said "just let me know". But he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again. Yeh...I understand why he would say that...how would you feel if someone said....”you will never find anyone else to love you for who you are”. That would make me feel really defensive and I would think the other person was being really arrogant. |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 17, 2020 21:14:30 GMT
Well he did say on the phone he had nothing to work on because he loved himself and was happy with who he was. I did wish him well in the email and told him I hoped he would find someone, but I told him he had some things he could work on too. I said I didn't want to see him get dumped or hurt like I did.
When we first started dating he kept telling me over and over he was having such a hard time finding someone and finding that "spark", and he was so lucky to finally find someone like me and someone that accepted him.
|
|
|
|
Post by number9 on Feb 17, 2020 23:03:27 GMT
Well he did say on the phone he had nothing to work on because he loved himself and was happy with who he was. I did wish him well in the email and told him I hoped he would find someone, but I told him he had some things he could work on too. I said I didn't want to see him get dumped or hurt like I did. When we first started dating he kept telling me over and over he was having such a hard time finding someone and finding that "spark", and he was so lucky to finally find someone like me and someone that accepted him. How about finding some techniques for "self-soothing" or "grounding" to use when you feel really terrible? I found this link, below, via Google: www.tothegrowlery.com/blog/2017/4/18/six-different-types-of-grounding-exercises-for-anxiety-intense-emotionsI actually came back to this forum just to see how you are doing, lostinlove -- really hope you can find some peace. xo |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 18, 2020 10:26:47 GMT
Well he did say on the phone he had nothing to work on because he loved himself and was happy with who he was. I did wish him well in the email and told him I hoped he would find someone, but I told him he had some things he could work on too. I said I didn't want to see him get dumped or hurt like I did. When we first started dating he kept telling me over and over he was having such a hard time finding someone and finding that "spark", and he was so lucky to finally find someone like me and someone that accepted him. I just think your whole interaction reveals a pattern between the two of you that is unhealthy...and it is unhealthy on both sides. It is as if you are speaking at each other rather then really listening to and responding to each other. |
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 22, 2020 1:25:21 GMT
Talked with the other ex again last night. Its actually super helpful to talk to her. Tomorrow I will start a low dose antidepressant to hopefully help.
The hardest part is hearing all the time how happy he has been. I think he felt "trapped" in our relationship, honestly. Since he seemed to "just want out" so much, but used disagreements as a way out. Probably from the push/pull?
Anyways, a couple interesting things said by the ex. She said that he NEVER talked about his past. Like his past didnt even exist or something. Is this common with avoidants?... or common with something else? Also, he told her that he had issues with his mom because he couldnt trust her. She would always go tell her friends "personal" things, which also I guess had started to ruin his relationship with his dad because anything he told his dad, his dad would tell his mom, etc.
Also, he told her that his mom acts really weird sometimes in the fact that she ignores/avoids him if he and her are somewhere and he has someone with him. To me this seems like a jealousy thing on her part. But she did this ALL THE TIME when we were together. Like if the attention wasnt on her, she just avoided us basically is what it seemed like.
The funniest part... the "my family told me when I find the right one I will just know, there will just be a spark, and it wont take much work or effort" He truly believes that if a relationship takes alot of work, then it's not right. A good relationship should require little work and effort.
Maybe someone can help me understand this message from her...
"He never told me he loved me in 3 months. I told him after 3 months that I could easily fall in love with him. He freaked out and said "you are attached already?!" I was like hell no! That's when I knew he very much lacked emotional intelligence or even knew what real love felt like."
That's when she then asked where the relationship was going, he said he needed a week off, no communication at all to see if he missed her, and came back after a week and said he really liked her, but could only be friends, there was no "spark". Lol
Today in therapy my therapist was mentioning that I may not have closure or answers from him because sometimes people just simply build walls that keep people from getting hurt and they just simply push people away before they end up hurt themselves, with really no reason for leaving other than fear. But it makes me wonder why he would move on so fast to someone new.
|
|
|
|
Post by number9 on Feb 22, 2020 2:18:47 GMT
Talked with the other ex again last night. Its actually super helpful to talk to her. Tomorrow I will start a low dose antidepressant to hopefully help. The hardest part is hearing all the time how happy he has been. I think he felt "trapped" in our relationship, honestly. Since he seemed to "just want out" so much, but used disagreements as a way out. Probably from the push/pull? Anyways, a couple interesting things said by the ex. She said that he NEVER talked about his past. Like his past didnt even exist or something. Is this common with avoidants?... or common with something else? Also, he told her that he had issues with his mom because he couldnt trust her. She would always go tell her friends "personal" things, which also I guess had started to ruin his relationship with his dad because anything he told his dad, his dad would tell his mom, etc. Also, he told her that his mom acts really weird sometimes in the fact that she ignores/avoids him if he and her are somewhere and he has someone with him. To me this seems like a jealousy thing on her part. But she did this ALL THE TIME when we were together. Like if the attention wasnt on her, she just avoided us basically is what it seemed like. The funniest part... the "my family told me when I find the right one I will just know, there will just be a spark, and it wont take much work or effort" He truly believes that if a relationship takes alot of work, then it's not right. A good relationship should require little work and effort. Maybe someone can help me understand this message from her... "He never told me he loved me in 3 months. I told him after 3 months that I could easily fall in love with him. He freaked out and said "you are attached already?!" I was like hell no! That's when I knew he very much lacked emotional intelligence or even knew what real love felt like." That's when she then asked where the relationship was going, he said he needed a week off, no communication at all to see if he missed her, and came back after a week and said he really liked her, but could only be friends, there was no "spark". Lol Today in therapy my therapist was mentioning that I may not have closure or answers from him because sometimes people just simply build walls that keep people from getting hurt and they just simply push people away before they end up hurt themselves, with really no reason for leaving other than fear. But it makes me wonder why he would move on so fast to someone new. Maybe this will help make sense of the message -- the idea of "emotional intelligence" www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Feb 22, 2020 2:45:54 GMT
You talked to his ex about him? That’s just too much. Surely you can see that that is not reasonable behaviour.
My Mum said to me once.. “your problem is you think too much”, and my response was “how can I do anything about that?” She couldn’t answer that. The answer ended up being that I had to get to rock bottom. A complete breakdown in every part of my life, a state of powerlessness, then ask for help - and mean it. How long do you want to be in this Groundhog Day?
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 22, 2020 7:04:28 GMT
How did you end up talking to your ex’s gf?
|
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 22, 2020 10:28:36 GMT
It's one of his ex's. We've been talking right since our breakup. She told me she had actually sent him a facebook message when we broke up telling him that she thinks he made a mistake letting me go, that from all the pictures, posts, etc it looked like he was very happy and found the one.
We talk and hangout often, actually. She has been a huge help and it's interesting to compare stories, it makes me feel better knowing it wasnt just me that dealt with some oddities I guess.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Feb 22, 2020 10:50:47 GMT
What an incredibly sick situation. Turns out you’ll be living this Groundhog Day for a while yet.
I’ve got to say that I’d be making sure I was a long way from you if I was him. I’m afraid this behaviour takes anxious preoccupation to a whole new level.
|
|
|
|
Post by lostinlove on Feb 22, 2020 11:01:46 GMT
Wow, that makes me feel even more terrible about myself :-( This is nothing new that her and I have been talking. I even shared that in original posts. It was ever since our breakup. She asked how I was the other night and I told her not well and she just reminded me it wasnt just me because of the similarities he had with her.
Sick situation? I guess I don't understand. A person struggling to stay alive and trying desperately to find answers. I feel completely worthless. Absolutely completely worthless and now I feel like the biggest failure and I definitely failed this relationship.
|
|
