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Post by alexandra on Feb 22, 2020 17:47:31 GMT
lostinlove, if you've really become friends with his ex and it's reciprocated, it's okay -- just don't hang onto her solely out of developing a trauma bond with her over the abuse you both endured from him and use her continued presence in your life to maintain a link to him so you can keep talking about him instead of moving on. The concern here is both you and her may tend towards codependency, and it causing you two to reinforce each other's focus on him while not moving on and healing. Could you be friends if neither of you discussed your ex with each other ever again? Also, she's flat out told you repeatedly that he has patterns and treated her the same way. Do you think there's anything odd in the fact that no matter what anyone tells you about him being bad news, it isn't enough for you to believe it? Her, your therapist, everyone on this board, sounds like other people from your life and possibly his as well all saying the same thing. When do you stop focusing on him and start rebuilding your self-esteem? The sickness is in clinging single-mindedly to the idea of a relationship when it takes both sides to make it work and make it not work, instead of moving on and fixing your relationship with yourself. Consider how you're being codependent with a ghost, which actually means it's all completely coming from yourself and in your own mind. So you can do something about how you feel through self-care, as you and the relationship with yourself are really the only factor here, but you have to actually want to listen and choose to make changes.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 22, 2020 18:15:36 GMT
alexandra - thanks for the reply. We both are looking at the positive of a negative situation, turning into something good, a new friendship for both of us. The other day she told me it was such a blessing to her to be able to help me. She said she usually doesnt respond to messages from people she doesn't know, but something told her to read mine and reach out, and she said if she can help another woman struggling, that she just helped herself. She said it also helped her knowing it wasnt just her as well, and that she is now glad it didnt go this far for them, and now she will know better if he ever tried going back to her. One of her friends told her that he seemed really odd when they dated, but didnt want to tell her and hurt her feelings.
We are actually planning to do some community service and volunteering together. We have plans to get together next week for dinner, and I suggested we dont talk about EX at all.
I'm really hopeful these antidepressants will help. They are starting me off on a really low dose. 25mg Zoloft. I just took my first one a little bit ago, but I know it will take a while to take affect.
My biggest fear still is him going and changing for the next girl, because the pressure is on now to have kids, get married, etc. Its heartbreaking, honestly.
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Post by annieb on Feb 22, 2020 19:23:32 GMT
The worst thing you can do to yourself is to have children with a narcissist. If you think the next woman he tricks into a relationship and god forbid has children with is somehow magically going to have the perfect husband then you really are delusional. People do not change. Period. Change is possible with serious therapy. You can change and stop seeking validation in men and especially this man. See how you would date and act if you loved yourself. Pretend that you do, and then think about what kind of man you would pick and accept. And I assure you it would not be this narcissistic avoidant.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 22, 2020 20:47:41 GMT
annieb is right. It not only sucks your own life out of you but also is incredibly damaging to the children, who go on to unhappily develop either insecure attachment or personality disorders of their own, and continue the cycle of trauma and bring it to other people. I hope the anti-depressants get you out of the repetitive thought patterns enough for you to start really healing and moving forward with the help of your therapist.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 23, 2020 0:58:26 GMT
Another interesting tidbit.
Last night a mutual friend had texted EX because I realized I had left something of sentimental value at his house.
Today EX dropped items off at friends house. Friend asked EX if he would mind answering questions for me for some closure and EX said "no, I dont do that" and left.
:-(
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Post by dhali on Feb 23, 2020 1:21:34 GMT
You refuse to listen to anything anyone has posted. There’s not much use for us here. I wish you all the best. I will say that your behavior is over the top and concerning however. I hope you are able to take a step back and see that some day.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 23, 2020 1:28:12 GMT
I would encourage you to consider that all of us who post on these forums are bringing our own perspectives from our own attachment wounds.....what makes sense for one person, may come across as crossing a line for another. You get to choose whose voices you allow to influence your perspective of yourself and whose voices you respect, but that you do not allow to influence your perspective of yourself. The opportunity in front of you is to face head on, the perspectives that have most challenged you and realize that you don’t have to change you for anyone. I do hope the medicine works for you...I recently upped my lexipro and it has truly been a blessing.
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Post by mrob on Feb 23, 2020 3:44:32 GMT
Wow, that makes me feel even more terrible about myself :-( This is nothing new that her and I have been talking. I even shared that in original posts. It was ever since our breakup. She asked how I was the other night and I told her not well and she just reminded me it wasnt just me because of the similarities he had with her. Sick situation? I guess I don't understand. A person struggling to stay alive and trying desperately to find answers. I feel completely worthless. Absolutely completely worthless and now I feel like the biggest failure and I definitely failed this relationship. It’s not you that’s the failure. It’s the thought process. The attachment. We’re mostly in the same boat here but in different ways. There’s a way out of this pain. |
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Post by amber on Feb 24, 2020 1:27:27 GMT
perhaps this may help you...from a paper written by bessel van der kolk, a trauma specialist:
"many observers of traumatic bonding have speculated that victims become addicted to their victimizers. Erschak asks why the batterer does not stop when injury and pain are apparent and why does the victim not leave? he answers that :they are addicted to each other and to abuse. the system, the interaction, the relation takes hold; the individuals are as powerless as junkies..people can become physiologically addicted to each other. there is now considerable evidence that human attachment is, in part, mediated by the endogenous opiate system."
it might be worth considering that you have this issue with your ex and your system has become addicted to him and his poor treatment.
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Post by amber on Feb 24, 2020 1:31:59 GMT
Another interesting tidbit. Last night a mutual friend had texted EX because I realized I had left something of sentimental value at his house. Today EX dropped items off at friends house. Friend asked EX if he would mind answering questions for me for some closure and EX said "no, I dont do that" and left. :-( this would come across a little stalkery to me if an ex did this to me. this is crossing the boundaries big time; asking a friend to do this is putting your friend in a compromising position, and to me would come across very obsessive if i was your ex. youre digging yourself into a hole even further by behaving this way. its a bit 'single white female' esque to me |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 24, 2020 1:34:37 GMT
Actually when I moved out, EX told me to tell mutual friend to contact him if I thought I was missing anything.
I didnt have any idea mutual friend was going to ask about the closure either. 🤷♀️
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 24, 2020 2:00:29 GMT
Just curious what you all think about this.
When EX dumped me, he said he wanted me out of his life, got rid of every trace of me and our relationship, including the cats. Got rid of all his Facebook posts with me, untagged himself from photos/posts.
Anyways, he is still friends with all of my friends and family on Facebook. Honestly, it doesnt bother me as I am still friends with some of his family and friends, but I am the dumpee, I had no say in the matter really. Some of his family said they still consider me a friend and a blessing to EXs life when I was around. One messaged me today and said it took him 38 years to finally meet a girl, and she really misses seeing us together, they were all losing hope in him. Lol.
So him being the dumper, blocking me, wanting NOTHING to do with me. Right now atleast. Would you consider this a control thing by keeping my friends and family on there? These are all people he met through me. He increasingly has been "reacting" to their posts more and more lately too, which my sister thought was odd.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 24, 2020 2:26:54 GMT
Just curious what you all think about this. When EX dumped me, he said he wanted me out of his life, got rid of every trace of me and our relationship, including the cats. Got rid of all his Facebook posts with me, untagged himself from photos/posts. Anyways, he is still friends with all of my friends and family on Facebook. Honestly, it doesnt bother me, as I am still friends with some of his family and friends, but I am the dumpee, I had no say in the matter really. Some of his family said they still consider me a friend and a blessing to EXs life when I was around. One messaged me today and said it took him 38 years to finally meet a girl, and she really misses seeing us together, they were all losing hope in him. Lol. So him being the dumper, blocking me, wanting NOTHING to do with me. Right now atleast. Would you consider this a control thing by keeping my friends and family on there? These are all people he met through me. He increasingly has been "reacting" to their posts more and more lately too, which my sister thought was odd. It may be that he has no issue with having them on his Facebook as you don’t mind having some of his family and friends on yours. You are spending so much time trying to interpret every single action of his as if it all has meaning that somehow ties back to you...perhaps because he has more time, he is reacting more in general to all his FB friends. I would highly suggest to you that your family and friends unfriend him or at least, not talk to you about what he does on FB as it just feeds a cycle of ruminating and not moving on. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 24, 2020 10:59:06 GMT
When I dont even know what I did for him to finally leave me, other than maybe being a little grumpy sometimes from my steroids, does it seem a little extreme for him to get rid of EVERYTHING including an animal?
Everyone keeps telling me I must of really messed up bad somehow (hence why I cant stop blaming this all on myself and I MUST be this bad), or that he's doing it to show his people that I was such a terrible person that he had to go that far with it. He literally just untagged/deleted everything and changed his Facebook all around the day after he dumped me. Like nothing happened and it was no big deal, and I, or our relationship never even existed. People that know him tell me all the time that hes such a nice person, especially when we first started dating, so I feel like somehow I took advantage of this great person. I dont get it.
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Post by mrob on Feb 24, 2020 13:30:53 GMT
If it’s if any comfort, when my marriage broke down, I unfriended all my ex wife’s friends and relatives. It was easier. No putting people in conflicted positions, no awkward “on this day” posts. Easier for everyone.
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