Help! Sorry, very long and detailed.

I don't know if he's a narcissist, but the link offers details about why someone may bad mouth you to others and bend the truth (and likely believe the distorted version). BPD can also do the same if they've split someone black. The article also gives good insight at the end about how to handle it to make it a bit less painful for yourself.

Yes, 3-4 months is often when the hormones calm and the real personality of the person shines through, and avoidants can start pulling away, personality disordered behavior starts showing as they want to control longer-term situations, anxious people can start freaking out and smothering. You can't recapture the beginning because it was a fantasy. What happened afterwards is the reality of the person and the real relationship. Someone said he future-faked you. You even said he probably said some things to avoid conflict. You're struggling to keep an illusion of who you wanted your ex to be in your grasp and hoping to recreate it.

He may also be autistic, but I have autistic friends who won't shut down and avoid if a neurotypical person directly tells them after the fact that they've done something to upset them. If the autistic person can logically understand, they'll try to avoid doing the upsetting thing in the future. It wouldn't excuse the repetitive bad treatment and then not wanting to deal with you when you've attempted to tell him what's wrong. It makes it harder to communicate because autistic people can't read social cues, but that doesn't mean they can't connect with you at all unless they're severely on the spectrum and not highly functional. I'm not an expert, but that's been my experience.

I was reading some of our old text logs this morning, and when I started to feel "devalued" I told him I would leave because he deserved better, and he actually begged me to stay because "we can and will make this work". But then it seemed like anytime he wanted he could say he "wanted out" and I begged him to stay and he would come back.


Ughhhh.

mrob - what do you think is missing? I sat and put a lot of time and effort into writing that all up so I could get the best advice possible. As more comes to mind I add it and am completely honest, because I want honest answers. I'm hurting and I truly feel like the biggest screw up and the sole reason we are not together anymore. Its so painful.

I do sympathise... Ive found it very triggering over Christmas! So much longing to go back a year and change it... Such jealousy and not feeling good enough constantly thinking about him and his new lady... It feels so lonely now... Sending hugs to you and hope you can find some peace...

Good point Alexandra. I think the high functioning autism connection is very astute personally. It explains the seeming lack of empathy and shut downs when overloaded. And also the ability to empathetically connect in a genuine way at other times (especially in response to direct communication). I suppose where it all gets murky is HF autistic kids are often misunderstood and abused as kids, and their boundaries are often severely trodden on. So a partner of someone with this background is also dealing with that trauma, on top of the  natural challenges of HFA and emotional expression/connection. Its heartbbreaking all round. A partner can't be expected to deal with all that, and still get their needs met. But its easy to feel for a person who is struggling in life through no fault of their own.

I do agree with mrob though... all that seems really apparent is this man has an avoidant attachment style and is overall a terrible choice for long-term romantic partnership based on his behavior.

lostinlove, another point to consider discussing with your therapist. You want to "rescue" others, even if it requires self-sacrifice to the point of self-destruction. There is likely a direct connection with your mother's illness and passing, and possibly with your dynamics with your parents when you were much younger than that.

I'm just so down because I've been reading back on our text message logs today, trying to rationalize this I guess. I do need to give him more credit, he did tell me alot that he loved me. Although this is where words don't mean actions. He would want out so bad when we were having issues, then would say in text he really wanted to make it work, because I was worth it. He held so many grudges and so much resentment for days though sometimes. Sometimes I would almost "freak out" in my messages if he was ignoring me or giving me silent treatment.

I also see I told him a lot that the relationship seemed so one sided. He would come to my dr appointments, or even my ER visit when I broke my thumb. Basically when or if it was convenient to him though it seemed like. Otherwise he seemed to find excuses for alot of things. I even asked him once why he seemed to have an excuse to always get out of things. He just didnt seem to always show his love. But I feel if he truly did love me, he wouldnt be so flaky on his always "wanting out" when there was conflict. A lot of his messages to me when we had conflict were "I just need time away from you" or and "I need lots of space, that's the way I work through things". Sometimes he would even say "just go to bed, tomorrow is a new day and everything will be fine" - not wanting to talk through our problems.

I know I do discredit him alot, but I do praise him for trying sometimes it seemed like. He was there when he could be, he told me alot that he did love me, he used to teach me things at the farm or when building his house, some days if the weather was really crappy he would drive me into work. He seemed to truly care about me in some ways. It was literally just the way he handled conflict, stress or difficult situations.

Another thing I thought of though, one day when the weather was super bad out (snow & ice and I had a 20min drive early in the AM) I said "do you like want me to text you or anything so you know I made it safe?" He replied saying "no, I'll be sleeping anyways, you'll be fine just be careful and drive slow" I was like "oh ok, I thought people did that" and he replied "I dont because I dont expect people to do it for me, so I dont bother other people with it". What? Lol. After that he started doing it sometimes. But if he drove me and it was a bad day, HE would text me when he made it home safe. Odd. 🤷‍♀️