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Post by lilyanna73 on Dec 30, 2019 17:52:59 GMT
The relationship started off really well. Good communication, lots of time spent together, lots of respect for each other, etc. Then 3-4 months in is when all this started. Is this common? I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately I think we have a similar story as my FA/DA partner would run on a 3-4 month cycle push/pull. The last one was a bit longer than usual because I was pregnant but I suffered a missed miscarriage of a twin pregnancy about 3 months into the pull cycle. The push cycle started at end of October. He bought me a ring as well and before I even got pregnant was talking about me moving in with him and doing a house renovation project together so we could sell his current house and buy a new house together. In this last push cycle, I even recreated a timeline about our relationship which highlights a 3-4 month cycle when his mood/attitude towards me changes. |
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Post by lostinlove on Jan 3, 2020 23:22:16 GMT
Ugh, this feeling of rejection hurts so very much.
I don't understand how someone can tell they love you and cant wait to marry you, and then the next day shut you completely out of their life. It just makes no sense :-(
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 7:28:19 GMT
It makes sense when you look at it from attachment styles perspectives..it doesn’t make sense when you try to understand it from you child self/emotions
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 5, 2020 13:23:57 GMT
Little update.
Been going to therapy, which helps, but doesn't. I sit and reminisce about the whole relationship wondering where I went so wrong. Obviously I did something terrible for him to tell me he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then night before he dumped me. Next day left me like I never existed. I can tell I've made baby steps, but still very difficult without me being able to tell him my feels or my side of things. And not even knowing his side of things.
Also, I have found him on dating apps looking for a "long term relationship with healthy communication, fun adventures with fun people, and commitment". What?!? That made my heart absolutely sink. We were about to be engaged. I was fully 10000% committed to him AND tried having the healthy communication.
This is all so frustrating. I'm still at a complete loss and finding it so hard to move on day to day. Ive lost over 40lbs. I want to try to reconcile things so bad, theres still something in me that tells me we are soul mates. He is still friends with all of my family and friends on Facebook and has left all of our photos. Part of me tells me hes afraid to reach out, but I also think I'm still blocked.
Also he is a farmer. A patient and I at work and I were talking farming the other day and I said, "I used to date a farmer" and he goes "oh used to huh? Couldnt handle the lifestyle could you?" I said "actually no I loved it and supported him with his farm events, helping on the farm, taking him hot meals" my patient said "well that's his loss because farmers have a real hard time finding women that can support the lifestyle. This makes me so furious too because EX told me ALL OF THE TIME that it is so hard to find a woman that will support it. And here I was!
I literally cannot understand how I supported him so much on the farm, and away from the farm. Always bought him gifts, wrote him love letters, surprised him in different ways, etc. Yet all I wanted was communication when there were disagreements/arguments. And now he wants a new relationship with someone else, that he doesnt even known will support him or not. I cannot figure out where I went so dang wrong. We were supposed to be engaged soon.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 5, 2020 14:26:21 GMT
Little update. Been going to therapy, which helps, but doesn't. I sit and reminisce about the whole relationship wondering where I went so wrong. Obviously I did something terrible for him to tell me he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then night before he dumped me. Next day left me like I never existed. I can tell I've made baby steps, but still very difficult without me being able to tell him my feels or my side of things. And not even knowing his side of things. Also, I have found him on dating apps looking for a "long term relationship with healthy communication, fun adventures with fun people, and commitment". What?!? That made my heart absolutely sink. We were about to be engaged. I was fully 10000% committed to him AND tried having the healthy communication. This is all so frustrating. I'm still at a complete loss and finding it so hard to move on day to day. Ive lost over 40lbs. I want to try to reconcile things so bad, theres still something in me that tells me we are soul mates. He is still friends with all of my family and friends on Facebook and has left all of our photos. Part of me tells me hes afraid to reach out, but I also think I'm still blocked. Also he is a farmer. A patient and I at work and I were talking farming the other day and I said, "I used to date a farmer" and he goes "oh used to huh? Couldnt handle the lifestyle could you?" I said "actually no I loved it and supported him with his farm events, helping on the farm, taking him hot meals" my patient said "well that's his loss because farmers have a real hard time finding women that can support the lifestyle. This makes me so furious too because EX told me ALL OF THE TIME that it is so hard to find a woman that will support it. And here I was! I literally cannot understand how I supported him so much on the farm, and away from the farm. Always bought him gifts, wrote him love letters, surprised him in different ways, etc. Yet all I wanted was communication when there were disagreements/arguments. And now he wants a new relationship with someone else, that he doesnt even known will support him or not. I cannot figure out where I went so dang wrong. We were supposed to be engaged soon. The issue is you cannot think like him.....so his actions will not make sense to you. We all have a bias that we can only see things from the way we do things. Honestly, I would stop trying to figure him out because it will only hurt you further. |
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Post by annieb on Feb 5, 2020 15:14:51 GMT
Little update. Been going to therapy, which helps, but doesn't. I sit and reminisce about the whole relationship wondering where I went so wrong. Obviously I did something terrible for him to tell me he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then night before he dumped me. Next day left me like I never existed. I can tell I've made baby steps, but still very difficult without me being able to tell him my feels or my side of things. And not even knowing his side of things. Also, I have found him on dating apps looking for a "long term relationship with healthy communication, fun adventures with fun people, and commitment". What?!? That made my heart absolutely sink. We were about to be engaged. I was fully 10000% committed to him AND tried having the healthy communication. This is all so frustrating. I'm still at a complete loss and finding it so hard to move on day to day. Ive lost over 40lbs. I want to try to reconcile things so bad, theres still something in me that tells me we are soul mates. He is still friends with all of my family and friends on Facebook and has left all of our photos. Part of me tells me hes afraid to reach out, but I also think I'm still blocked. Also he is a farmer. A patient and I at work and I were talking farming the other day and I said, "I used to date a farmer" and he goes "oh used to huh? Couldnt handle the lifestyle could you?" I said "actually no I loved it and supported him with his farm events, helping on the farm, taking him hot meals" my patient said "well that's his loss because farmers have a real hard time finding women that can support the lifestyle. This makes me so furious too because EX told me ALL OF THE TIME that it is so hard to find a woman that will support it. And here I was! I literally cannot understand how I supported him so much on the farm, and away from the farm. Always bought him gifts, wrote him love letters, surprised him in different ways, etc. Yet all I wanted was communication when there were disagreements/arguments. And now he wants a new relationship with someone else, that he doesnt even known will support him or not. I cannot figure out where I went so dang wrong. We were supposed to be engaged soon. He has a lot of distancing techniques that don’t make sense to you and they wouldn’t make sense to any normal person. His behavior is based on his past experiences and his upbringing, so this is how he reacts to a stressor. A relationship of any kind is usually a stressor to an avoidant. Even though they long for it they literally can’t handle it. I hope you really start seeing him for who he is instead of hanging on to the rejection as a definition of you. Therein lies the danger for you to weave some kind of narrative via his behavior to define you for yourself. You should be in therapy, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Therapy will help you climb out of this trap, that at this point it’s all you. |
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Post by annieb on Feb 5, 2020 15:21:47 GMT
My last boyfriend aced very similarly to yours with a lot of distancing and tossing me in the street, etc. Like I was garbage. Literally. And I’m a respectable woman otherwise. Lots of people love and respect me. So when the last discard went down I could finally separate from him, but it still took six good months of therapy and reflection to separate emotionally and my role in staying. I even spoke to him after the breakup at his insistence and all that kept me trapped longer.
Look up narcissism and see what people say online and what experiences people are having. It will help you tremendously. Look up codependency.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 5, 2020 18:29:49 GMT
Little update. Been going to therapy, which helps, but doesn't. I sit and reminisce about the whole relationship wondering where I went so wrong. Obviously I did something terrible for him to tell me he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then night before he dumped me. Next day left me like I never existed. I can tell I've made baby steps, but still very difficult without me being able to tell him my feels or my side of things. Also, I have found him on dating apps looking for a "long term relationship with healthy communication, fun adventures with fun people, and commitment". What?!? Ive lost over 40lbs. I want to try to reconcile things so bad, theres still something in me that tells me we are soul mates. I cannot figure out where I went so dang wrong. It's wonderful that you're still going to therapy. How do you feel about your therapist? Is it someone you feel you can connect with longer-term and trust? Are you talking about anything other than ruminating over your ex in your sessions? If you've lost 40 pounds so quickly, just check in with yourself and make sure you're getting all the help you need. Your health is in a risky spot right now, and it can take trial and error to find the right therapists and treatment. Where you went wrong was simply choosing the wrong partner. You're not soulmates. He's not capable of a healthy relationship with any woman (his actions and words don't align), and now he's looking for his next victim. Your grieving process reflects that you were traumatized in this relationship, and going back would mean a lifetime of abuse. Possibly a very short lifetime, because of how badly this is impacting your physical health. You're not seeing it yet, but you're lucky to be out, and wishing to reconcile is a compulsion of the extreme codependency and anxious longing being triggered. Don't confuse that with love or soulmates. You're worth more than being a ghost in a "relationship" that is destroying you, while someone else unhealthy is controlling everything. But for some reason you don't believe you're worth it, and you may not until you reclaim some of your own identity and self-esteem. |
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 19:43:34 GMT
You are making this all about him...ultimately the majority of the pain you are going through will be old wounds from childhood, triggered by him and the events with him. The longer you make it about “now” the longer you will stay in pain. Are you allowing yourself to cry? What type of therapist are u seeing? I feel your pain, I went through a recent breakup almost three months ago now. It took two months for the worst to be over, and for the the last two weeks since telling him I want no further contact, I am feeling pretty good for the most part. Still some sadness but I now actually feel turned off him, given how dysfunctional and dishonest he was. I’m realising for the first time in my life that when you work on yourself and value yourself, your attraction towards people who don’t want you starts to wane. You stop being codependent. But you have to get clear about the reality of the situation and stop transferring your old childhood pain onto him.
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 5, 2020 20:04:07 GMT
So just out of curiosity, could he just be a normal guy that I basically turned this way because of my own insecurities and problems? Because of my anxiousness and anxiety he just didnt know how to handle it maybe?
They say we attract people like that to our needs, but thinking back I'm wondering if he was a normal guy that I brought out a different side of him.
Maybe he is just like this with me or didnt like me. Some people I talked to are like "wow, that's crazy hes not that type of person at all". And then I feel worse like it's truly my fault.
If it was him too, would he continue to attract people like me, or "struggle" in future or with a secure or more "normal" person?
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 20:10:31 GMT
So just out of curiosity, could he just be a normal guy that I basically turned this way because of my own insecurities and problems? Because of my anxiousness and anxiety he just didnt know how to handle it maybe? They say we attract people like that to our needs, but thinking back I'm wondering if he was a normal guy that I brought out a different side of him. Maybe he is just like this with me or didnt like me. Some people I talked to are like "wow, that's crazy hes not that type of person at all". And then I feel worse like it's truly my fault. If it was him too, would he continue to attract people like me, or "struggle" in future or with a secure or more "normal" person? You are still making this about him. And blaming yourself. You don’t have this much control over anyone. You will stay stuck in this pain if you continue like this. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 5, 2020 20:20:11 GMT
So just out of curiosity, could he just be a normal guy that I basically turned this way because of my own insecurities and problems? Because of my anxiousness and anxiety he just didnt know how to handle it maybe? They say we attract people like that to our needs, but thinking back I'm wondering if he was a normal guy that I brought out a different side of him. Maybe he is just like this with me or didnt like me. Some people I talked to are like "wow, that's crazy hes not that type of person at all". And then I feel worse like it's truly my fault. If it was him too, would he continue to attract people like me, or "struggle" in future or with a secure or more "normal" person? We've already answered all these questions at the beginning of this thread, but you're not hearing anything through your anxiety rumination. Go back and re-read -- nothing about him indicates normal guy. You have issues, he has issues, you connected. He's looking for victims to control, so he's not going to be with emotionally healthy people for long. But that's not any of your concern. What is of your concern is your issues, and that you won't feel happy with a stable and secure person until you focus on yourself and building your own identity instead of giving it away in exchange for a fantasy. A loving relationship does not lead to an anxiety and depression-driven 40 pound weight loss. We all have different shapes and sizes of bodies, but if I personally lost 40 pounds I'd almost definitely die. Are you really happy with sacrificing your health for a relationship? |
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 20:21:19 GMT
Also, it sounds like you are stuck in some thought loops. I had this problem...ruminating and obsessing and going over things a million times. This is related to trauma... my therapist says that when we are having negative thoughts like this it’s the minds way of suppressing emotions
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Post by annieb on Feb 5, 2020 20:26:27 GMT
So just out of curiosity, could he just be a normal guy that I basically turned this way because of my own insecurities and problems? Because of my anxiousness and anxiety he just didnt know how to handle it maybe? They say we attract people like that to our needs, but thinking back I'm wondering if he was a normal guy that I brought out a different side of him. Maybe he is just like this with me or didnt like me. Some people I talked to are like "wow, that's crazy hes not that type of person at all". And then I feel worse like it's truly my fault. If it was him too, would he continue to attract people like me, or "struggle" in future or with a secure or more "normal" person? No, you do not make other people abusive or avoidant. That would be victim blaming. He may not that "kind of person at all" in his regular relationships, but it's a whole different story in intimate relationships, as you had a first hand experience. His relationship with his mother is probably messed up, too. If you are still blaming yourself, a healthy person if feeling suffocated by you would have said: "Hey, I am feeling a little bit under pressure to answer you, can we pick up on our date on Saturday instead of texting all the time now?" And you probably would have been fine with that answer. Etc. etc. |
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Post by lostinlove on Feb 5, 2020 20:56:40 GMT
I attribute part of the weight loss from stopping the steroids that I had to be on for my cough. And part of it being that I'm still not eating well. But physically I feel better with the weight loss.
He had a seemingly "strange" relationship with his mother. She seemed to "avoid" us sometimes, she was seemingly strange to me. From the way she dressed, her hoarded/dirty house, her Goodwill/garage sale finds as "gifts". Very odd to me, also for the fact that his parents are extremely wealthy. He also is an only child, so sometimes I wonder if his "behaviors" stem from that.
I'm struggling finding closure. I'm sure if he would have sat with me and said "heres where this didnt work, I wish you the best"... etc etc, I wouldnt be so stuck in the whole self blame. But since he hasnt apologized or said anything and discarded me so cold in the end, living together and dumping me over a phone call, then making me promises probably because that's what I wanted to hear, not needed to hear. So I wonder what was ever true. I wonder if I screwed up my 2nd chance, I wonder if I screwed up the fact that now we wont be friends ever again. I'm stuck asking myself so many questions because of so many broken promises after the relationship even ended. He promised me 2nd chances when he was ready, but I did try to beg for him back. I feel worthless and like I never probably mattered to him.
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