jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Dec 30, 2019 0:38:37 GMT
What are the odds of running into two emotionally unavailable men for 2 superate reasons? I guess pretty freaking good. It is pretty high, especially later in life. There are a lot still around, and you've got some stuff in your background that makes it seem familiar (you've struggled with some issues and like attracts like). But now that you know what this looks like, you know to cut it off much faster and not stick around. That's really all you can do, and just keep trying until you find someone present who meets your needs without having relationship conversations with themselves LOL. Right?! New requisite. I must be present for all conversation regarding the relationshit. My goodness, all I want to do is laugh and eat and get naked before my hips give out. Is this really too much to ask? I am in the know now. All accounts. That they are omnipresent at this age and what they are about. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 30, 2019 0:52:29 GMT
Ok I'm sorry I laughed out loud at this. Totally. I hate when people I assume I want more of them than I actually do. Dating sucks a great big back of it. Yes, what the heck is this? Cannot even make this crap up. He made a total decision based on a conversation we never even had. What in the actual fuck? Another bullet dodged! My big sister used to have this problem with dating after she left her first (abusive) husband with two kids. She's gorgeous and she'd date reasonable guys. But because she had kids the guys would start thinking immediately that eventually they'd have to step in and be a father, and this made them act wonky. The first one she saw for over a year, but he started cheating on her with one of her friends. She briefly met others who used her for sex and dumped her fast. Then she met a great guy through her first `cheating' dating partner, who was his flatmate. He worked in social services helping damaged kids and migrants settle into Australian community. He was very settled and responsible, and owned the place where they were roomies. She started seeing him with her ex living there, I lol'd. She somehow pulled this off without causing any angst in any of them. She even asked her ex to be the MC at their wedding, lol. They are still married, 18 years now. I think her being a single Mum was a blessing really. It caused some heart ache when the irresponsible guys let her down, but she met a true gem eventually. He's my favourite brother in law and one of the best guys I've met. |
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 30, 2019 3:28:57 GMT
How are you feeling about it all? Initially I had a pit in my stomach. This morning he texted. I kinda blasted him minorly. He picked a crap time to pull this as my child was visiting. She actually watched me run the gamut of emotions last night. But I realized its him. He needs to get his life in order. Hes got a whole mess of stuff to get a grip on. We are getting warmer. So theres that. The FA came by the morning to give my daughter and I Christmas gifts. His gift to her was probably the best gift of the season. Very thoughtful. Mine too, was also a good laugh. I stopped by his place after I dropped my daughter at the airport and he held me as I cried over her send off and even the break up thing. He tried to kiss me but I said no and he totally respected it. What are the odds of running into two emotionally unavailable men for 2 superate reasons? I guess pretty freaking good. One FA and one spiritually suffering alcoholic/addict who sounds like hes working his way to a relapse. He did me a favor. I cant be messing around with that kind of heartache. I *may give celibacy a whirl in 2020. I wish I could like chicks. Double my wardrobe. Very close to giving up. Supremely close. Just thankful the drama is not mine!! I had two FAs back to back! And before the first FA, a very short lived DA relationship. I win!! lol The most recent ex FA was a year and half relationship, he's the one I found out what FA even was, and before him was the one from two years ago who reached out from the dead right before Christmas. I didn't know about FA with that one from two years ago, and talk about jerking me back and forth. It left such a bitter taste in my mouth towards him, I never, ever want to speak to him again. But I tell you this, they are the last FAs. I would rather be alone than go through that again. It's been emotionally exhausting. I am reclaiming my rightful queen status that I know that I am now that I know what to look out for. My radar is on high alert for the first signs. I truly don't think I can emotionally handle one more relationship that goes the same way. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 30, 2019 4:12:10 GMT
No more flippity flop guys for me either. They can go flippity flop their little hearts out over there....waaaaay over there.
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Dec 30, 2019 10:41:15 GMT
All that said, I woke up with that break up pit feeling in my stomach again. I hate that feeling. And perusing thru dating sites makes me really feel sick.
I dont understand why this is so difficult. It was nothing to get snatched up at 22. Married at 24.
BF at 42? Impossible. Lotta interest, lotta dates, easy. Nothing sticks.
Time to get ready for work. A welcome distraction.
Have a good day all.
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 30, 2019 17:46:00 GMT
All that said, I woke up with that break up pit feeling in my stomach again. I hate that feeling. And perusing thru dating sites makes me really feel sick. I dont understand why this is so difficult. It was nothing to get snatched up at 22. Married at 24. BF at 42? Impossible. Lotta interest, lotta dates, easy. Nothing sticks. Time to get ready for work. A welcome distraction. Have a good day all. I have been able to quell that feeling by reminding myself of unhealed childhood attachments/traumas that I've been working on. Basically, I know that the breakup is what is making me feel that pit in my stomach, but it's really not about the breakup. The feeling is about the unmet needs from my childhood that weren't adequately met. I know logically that the break up was the right thing for me, but the anxiety that I feel that I'm attaching to the break up isn't really about the breakup. Does that make sense? |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 30, 2019 19:04:09 GMT
Basically, I know that the breakup is what is making me feel that pit in my stomach, but it's really not about the breakup. The feeling is about the unmet needs from my childhood that weren't adequately met. I know logically that the break up was the right thing for me, but the anxiety that I feel that I'm attaching to the break up isn't really about the breakup. Does that make sense? Yes to this! This is why I'm always advocating people keep working towards secure independently of their partners or ex-partners. I've mentioned before that a humungous benefit of working through to earned secure and healing your trauma is then when dating situations don't work out, your grief is directly related and not disproportional because you aren't bogged down anymore by layers and layers of attachment wounding on top of mourning the lost romantic relationship. It's certainly been a huge life improvement for me. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 30, 2019 21:50:59 GMT
All that said, I woke up with that break up pit feeling in my stomach again. I hate that feeling. And perusing thru dating sites makes me really feel sick. I dont understand why this is so difficult. It was nothing to get snatched up at 22. Married at 24. BF at 42? Impossible. Lotta interest, lotta dates, easy. Nothing sticks. Time to get ready for work. A welcome distraction. Have a good day all. As Jeb himself stipulates, the majority of people on the dating market after 35* years old are D-A, F-A and lesser so A-P with only a limited number of secure attached people. Seems to ring true. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2019 0:13:02 GMT
All that said, I woke up with that break up pit feeling in my stomach again. I hate that feeling. And perusing thru dating sites makes me really feel sick. I dont understand why this is so difficult. It was nothing to get snatched up at 22. Married at 24. BF at 42? Impossible. Lotta interest, lotta dates, easy. Nothing sticks. Time to get ready for work. A welcome distraction. Have a good day all. As Jeb himself stipulates, the majority of people on the dating market after 35* years old are D-A, F-A and lesser so A-P with only a limited number of secure attached people. Seems to ring true. @dualcitizen Actually dating pool is 80% avoidant after 40 according to Jeb. That’s an extremely sobering number and my age category. |
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 31, 2019 0:19:51 GMT
Basically, I know that the breakup is what is making me feel that pit in my stomach, but it's really not about the breakup. The feeling is about the unmet needs from my childhood that weren't adequately met. I know logically that the break up was the right thing for me, but the anxiety that I feel that I'm attaching to the break up isn't really about the breakup. Does that make sense? Yes to this! This is why I'm always advocating people keep working towards secure independently of their partners or ex-partners. I've mentioned before that a humungous benefit of working through to earned secure and healing your trauma is then when dating situations don't work out, your grief is directly related and not disproportional because you aren't bogged down anymore by layers and layers of attachment wounding on top of mourning the lost romantic relationship. It's certainly been a huge life improvement for me. Yes, it's a really an ongoing work in progress for me. I've mentioned before on other posts that hypnotherapy has been instrumental in helping me heal those deeper core wounds, and thus made this most recent breakup much more bearable and manageable, as opposed to being in a pit of despair that the relationship that I wanted so badly didn't end up working out. I have been able to identify the triggering anxiety, and instead of it overtaking me I literally say, this is anxiety I am feeling, but it's not about the loss of the relationship which I know was no longer serving me, rather, it is my body recalling the feelings of abandonment/shame/loss/unmet love/unmet needs that weren't dealt with at that time, and my mind is attaching that anxiety to the most recent breakup. That helps to quell the anxiety that I am feeling. This video by Alan Robarge is good at explaining it, as well as he has many, many videos which I found to be super helpful www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvdSVFyhprs&t=630s |
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Dec 31, 2019 0:21:26 GMT
As Jeb himself stipulates, the majority of people on the dating market after 35* years old are D-A, F-A and lesser so A-P with only a limited number of secure attached people. Seems to ring true. @dualcitizen Actually dating pool is 80% avoidant after 40 according to Jeb. That’s an extremely sobering number and my age category. Yikes. I feel like it's normal breakup feelings. Aligning my head with my heart. It's only two days since the I'm not ready for a relationship talk. It's only been 2 months, yes, but that was an incredible dance. He articulated it best, felt like we've know each other for years. I think he got scared. I think I may have intimidated him. I have my shit together. He is not exactly there. Makes no real difference to me, but I think it does to a man. House, car etc. He texted again this morning. in work parking lot. He moved today. We are going to talk I guess. I dunno. I should probably leave him be. I just want to love and be loved. Frustrating. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 31, 2019 1:12:34 GMT
As Jeb himself stipulates, the majority of people on the dating market after 35* years old are D-A, F-A and lesser so A-P with only a limited number of secure attached people. Seems to ring true. @dualcitizen Actually dating pool is 80% avoidant after 40 according to Jeb. That’s an extremely sobering number and my age category. Damn thats a lot! I never encountered this type of person in early adulthood, and never experienced a flip-flop after the honeymoon period. Now that I have, I think I'm going to take the concept of non-sexual courtship seriously and not get involved physically until I know 100% that someone isn't avoidant. Its so awful and painful muddling out of these situations for me personally, once physical bonding occurs  |
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Post by amber on Dec 31, 2019 1:17:52 GMT
@dualcitizen Actually dating pool is 80% avoidant after 40 according to Jeb. That’s an extremely sobering number and my age category. Yikes. I feel like it's normal breakup feelings. Aligning my head with my heart. It's only two days since the I'm not ready for a relationship talk. It's only been 2 months, yes, but that was an incredible dance. He articulated it best, felt like we've know each other for years. I think he got scared. I think I may have intimidated him. I have my shit together. He is not exactly there. Makes no real difference to me, but I think it does to a man. House, car etc. He texted again this morning. in work parking lot. He moved today. We are going to talk I guess. I dunno. I should probably leave him be. I just want to love and be loved. Frustrating. I think you may be onto something here. I think perhaps men feel emasculated when the woman has her shit together and he doesn’t? My recent ex FA did not own a house, was financially in not a good situation and didn’t really have life goals or aspirations. just living hand to mouth really. I think he was intimated by me and perhaps compared himself to me and felt inadequate |
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Post by mrob on Dec 31, 2019 1:55:52 GMT
I’ve not come across a woman in my age group who doesn’t have their ducks in a row. They generally need to, with kids. I also know a lot of very lost men.
Regarding the lure that doesn’t work in later life? Yes, there are those men that will do anything for sex, but most are able to talk a good game, but not go there. There’s too much at stake for something that isn’t worth it anymore. One of my closest friends had his first sex in six years this week.
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Post by amber on Dec 31, 2019 2:17:50 GMT
I’ve not come across a woman in my age group who doesn’t have their ducks in a row. They generally need to, with kids. I also know a lot of very lost men. Regarding the lure that doesn’t work in later life? Yes, there are those men that will do anything for sex, but most are able to talk a good game, but not go there. There’s too much at stake for something that isn’t worth it anymore. One of my closest friends had his first sex in six years this week. Totally agree!! I think it’s in their face how dysfunctional they are when someone else has a career,is financially independent and owns a house etc... my ex blatantly told me he was comfortable living week to week and not knowing where his next pay check may come from. I think some men don’t want to take responsibility and put in the hard work that’s required to get your life in order |
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