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Post by mrob on Dec 31, 2019 8:34:27 GMT
This stuff caused me to throw two marriages and a good relationship out the door. I had no awareness. I thought I was mad, and the way I tried to fix myself wasn’t effective. With this information, I can sometimes see what I’m doing and am sometimes able to call it for what it is. Respond rather than react.
Personal responsibility is great with awareness. With no awareness, all it produces is a ton of guilt.
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Post by amber on Dec 31, 2019 10:22:32 GMT
This stuff caused me to throw two marriages and a good relationship out the door. I had no awareness. I thought I was mad, and the way I tried to fix myself wasn’t effective. With this information, I can sometimes see what I’m doing and am sometimes able to call it for what it is. Respond rather than react. Personal responsibility is great with awareness. With no awareness, all it produces is a ton of guilt. Being male you are well ahead of the game with the insight you have...hopefully this will help you create a great future r/ship with someone! |
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jules
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Post by jules on Dec 31, 2019 10:39:10 GMT
I dont this new guy is avoidant, but I do not know. It's only been 2 months.
I'm in recovery. Hes in recovery. He is the manager of a recovery house which he wants out of. He has no car as of right now due to funds. He has a good job and had saved some money but gave it to his mother, as she has his child.
He likely feels emasculated. I have my own place, a new car, good job. Hes even commented that everything in my house is "fancy" (sugar in the raw?) We do come from entirely different worlds. He ran the streets of a big city and I went to boarding school in Europe.
I dont care. It makes no difference to me. All I care about is the man he is today. But hes got a whip on his own back. And I can see why. I think hes got too much going on and I'm the newest addition and first to go.
So far as I can tell hes a very smart kind man (he did tun the streets but he went to private schools)
I just dont know. Probably not a good candidate for me, or anyone right now. On paper at least.
He keeps texting. I think hes just scared.
Right now I'm just retreating into myself, I'm hurt. I feel rejected even if it has nothing to do with me and regaining my balance.
Who woulda thought all these dudes would be so dramatic?! Lol.
Happy New Year everyone.
Thank you for the time spent responding.
xx
Jules
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Post by lovebunny on Dec 31, 2019 13:49:57 GMT
"I wish I could like chicks. Double my wardrobe." Guess you haven't been reading my posts! I'm a queer woman, and believe me, dating women is no easier. Plus most lesbians are terrible dressers  Jules, first of all, you're hilarious! Thank you for making me laugh. I'm in the same boat, late 40's, horrified at the idea that 80% of what's in my already tiny dating pool is emotionally unavailable in some way. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 31, 2019 18:19:34 GMT
Ain’t life grand dating over 40... bah 😂
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Post by alexandra on Dec 31, 2019 19:37:03 GMT
Ain’t life grand dating over 40... bah 😂 I've been having these problems since I turned 30... it's not just age, it's also generational. I think the majority of upcoming generations can't commit anyway even younger, combination of not being taught coping mechanisms by busy and distracted parents, and (in developed countries) having less access to decent income than in the past. |
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Post by amber on Dec 31, 2019 20:59:55 GMT
"I wish I could like chicks. Double my wardrobe." Guess you haven't been reading my posts! I'm a queer woman, and believe me, dating women is no easier. Plus most lesbians are terrible dressers Jules, first of all, you're hilarious! Thank you for making me laugh. I'm in the same boat, late 40's, horrified at the idea that 80% of what's in my already tiny dating pool is emotionally unavailable in some way. This is interesting.i always thought men had it easier when it came to picking women as their seem to be so many more functional together women out there than men...perhaps im wrong about this??i suppose it’s Amos who you’re attracted to, depending on your attachment style and parenting etc |
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Post by serenity on Dec 31, 2019 21:03:25 GMT
Ain’t life grand dating over 40... bah 😂 I've been having these problems since I turned 30... it's not just age, it's also generational. I think the majority of upcoming generations can't commit anyway even younger, combination of not being taught coping mechanisms by busy and distracted parents, and (in developed countries) having less access to decent income than in the past. I agree the generational differences are astounding. Guys my age grew up with boomer parents who all owned homes young and could support a family on a modest single income. There's most definitely a cultural pressure amongst the gen-Xers to live up to that, a lot of inherited shame, and it doesn't help that so many boomer parents blame the lack of opportunity on their kids. Wierdly, in Australia the government introduced a policy where if guys get married and start a family, they essentially no longer have to pay income tax (and our income tax is substantial- for an average white collar wage earner it can be around $50K+ per year) . So now we have a generation of Millennial guys marrying and starting families young again. Gen X guys with good jobs I grew up with rarely married or wanted kids unless they'd inherited wealth and property. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 31, 2019 21:39:38 GMT
I love this forum. Never a dull moment.
I’m 44 and find I’ve noticed a huge difference around a couple of years younger than me. There was no access to mobile phones until I’d almost left school, SMS in my 20s, internet mid 20s, whereas with those only a couple of years younger, this has been their norm. Instantaneous availability is their norm, and I struggle with that.
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Post by mrob on Dec 31, 2019 21:47:54 GMT
I've been having these problems since I turned 30... it's not just age, it's also generational. I think the majority of upcoming generations can't commit anyway even younger, combination of not being taught coping mechanisms by busy and distracted parents, and (in developed countries) having less access to decent income than in the past. I agree the generational differences are astounding. Guys my age grew up with boomer parents who all owned homes young and could support a family on a modest single income. There's most definitely a cultural pressure amongst the gen-Xers to live up to that, a lot of inherited shame, and it doesn't help that so many boomer parents blame the lack of opportunity on their kids. Wierdly, in Australia the government introduced a policy where if guys get married and start a family, they essentially no longer have to pay income tax (and our income tax is substantial- for an average white collar wage earner it can be around $50K+ per year) . So now we have a generation of Millennial guys marrying and starting families young again. Gen X guys with good jobs I grew up with rarely married or wanted kids unless they'd inherited wealth and property. Also, men are sometimes on their second time around and have been through property divisions that mean they are unwilling to risk anything they may build up. I don’t think income tax enters the equation in most people’s minds. In fact, I had a conversation with one lady that thought that economic circumstances shouldn’t come into the decision to have kids. I was floored. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 31, 2019 22:04:58 GMT
In fact, I had a conversation with one lady that thought that economic circumstances shouldn’t come into the decision to have kids. I was floored. That's magical thinking and not the norm. Education levels and economic circumstances have been demonstrated to have very definite impacts on a country's birthrate, so more people take that into consideration than don't  I can't imagine wanting to have a bunch of children and only decide after the fact if I could afford to give them a decent quality of life! Sure, surprises happen (both in terms of pregnancy and in terms of financial stability), but sheesh, be responsible and do all you can to make sure you can financially support the children at the level they deserve... |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2019 22:50:24 GMT
I love this forum. Never a dull moment. I’m 44 and find I’ve noticed a huge difference around a couple of years younger than me. There was no access to mobile phones until I’d almost left school, SMS in my 20s, internet mid 20s, whereas with those only a couple of years younger, this has been their norm. Instantaneous availability is their norm, and I struggle with that. - Also 44!!! 🙌 Magical time to be dating for sure! I like to date 40 or over bc I notice a huge generational difference when attempting dating and even at the work place with my co-workers. The under 35 crowd has a huge difference in attitudes at my job and also the ability to work w technology Lol I always seek their help w computer questions! Surprisingly some guys 40 and over still want to start their own families- which is fine for them, but I’m OUT!! 👋 |
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 1, 2020 1:43:01 GMT
I havent really 'dated' much in 15 years or so. Guys just came into my life living it. Ive been either single or in a relationship, mostly just single.
Funny so many of us are 40+ here. Im 46. 'Problem' for me personally most men my age I come across look So Old and I look more mid 30's.(married or single, just men in general my age I come across/meet)
I tend to be attracted to those a bit younger than me over men my age.
My short stints on dating sites, meh. Maybe we should all date each other! hahahaha
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jules
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Post by jules on Jan 1, 2020 2:17:03 GMT
This is getting so interesting!!
I am fat and happy on middle eastern food. I may actually call it a night.
I feel peace tonight. I swear there is something magic about sumac, lol.
Things will work out exactly as they should for us all.
Happy New Year!!
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 1, 2020 2:59:14 GMT
I havent really 'dated' much in 15 years or so. Guys just came into my life living it. Ive been either single or in a relationship, mostly just single. Funny so many of us are 40+ here. Im 46. 'Problem' for me personally most men my age I come across look So Old and I look more mid 30's.(married or single, just men in general my age I come across/meet) I tend to be attracted to those a bit younger than me over men my age. I am in my 30s, but I relate. This may be something else, but the last FA I dated was aged, though we were around the same age. I really think it was the emotional burdens he carries that have aged him. I tend to date slightly younger (up to four years ish). I actually have found more maturity in the younger guys, maybe it's because the younger guys looking to date a bit older are more serious about stability and maturity? Though this could be a number of things... It honestly annoys me we even have to talk about this as if we are doing something "different." Please, yes, let's create this reality show.
I try to stick in a 5-10 year age gap over or under. Most men Ive dated/had long terms with were 7 years or less age gap. Just naturally played out that way.
Ha ha, reality show.
mrob, what ya doing next week?  You be pimping here. hehe.
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You be pimping here. hehe.