Red flags that we ignored at the beginning - post yours here

I agree with you there. I have no intention of going back to that or those relationships and have learnt from them. I have thought about the same issues as well and have some experiences I'm dealing with at the moment, which are focused on attachment theory.

But it's hard for me to understand or take those red flags seriously when getting infatuated with the person I start caring about. If I take myself for an example, I know that everything can be improved if you work on it. But at the same time I got aware that it takes a serious effort for others who are mentally/emotionally broken. This is the biggest problem I'm facing. I' apply my own mentality on how others should think. I know that in the past (last time in that borderline relationship) I had a "white knight complex" which I don't want to get back to. I have decided that I can help if the other one does his part, but only to the point when it doesn't do me any harm. I applied this to this last relationship I had which I am not willing to pursue, even though it was hard for me to understand.

Satori, what an excellent, self-aware contribution and a great first-person example for Osemka8. And I wish you luck in your continued journey.

Osemaka8, as Satori illustrates in his story, it's much deeper than simply looking for red flags ad being aware that you might have what I will call a "White Knight" response to some people. The underlying allure that some people have for us, is often driven by the messages and environments that we were provided (usually) in childhood, and it becomes the template for our future choices of partner and our style of relating. If you are drawn to Borderlines and Avoidants, then you have likely had a childhood were you were trained to accept or tolerate unhealthy patterns of relating.

That is where the real work needs to be focused. You seem to be on the right path here.... now roll up your sleeves and keep going. Take a look at the YouTube videos by Alan Robarge. That's a good, easy-listening kind of starting point. Good luck.

1) Lack of interest & initiative - the reason a brief relationship eventuated with this one woman was because I pushed the pace and boundaries most of the time
Had I waited for the woman to reach out, things would have fizzled out after the first few dates - never over-invest or overstep in the early stages
You take one step forward, let the other person take the next step and so on..

2) Excessively bringing up the ex(s) - when some of the ex(s) start popping up in conversation ever so often and he/she starts wistfully talking about them,
that's when you know it's going to be an uphill struggle - best to bail at that point

When I look back on it, it's kinda heartbreaking and sad.

In the moments after intimacy, I would lay close to her and I realized she never opened her eyes to look at me. That gaze you share from time to time and like look into each other's soul...she never would.

The first loving eye gaze happens between mother and baby, father and baby. It's magical- when you are bonded with your baby the two of you look deeply into each other's eyes, and are enraptured with each other. The look of wonder on the baby's face is indescribably cute and touching. A mother/father/caregiver that is disconnected does not search the baby's eyes with their own like this- so that connection between eye gaze and safety isnt made. Or, maybe the baby is afraid when they look into an angry face.... so eyes aren't safe. There is some writing about this in anne12's threads. I used to be unable to sustain eye contact during most intimate moments as well. It felt painful. Maybe from experiencing what I had been missing. To hold eye contact made me sad. I don't have that issue any more, I don't know when it left but my boyfriend and I are very affectionate and look into each other's eyes.

I think it was the obvious way she closed her eyes, it was like someone trying to not see a scary part of a movie. During actual sex her eyes were open, but very blank stare.

As I see it, it's very helpful to make a list of red flags we ignored in ourselves, when we enter into a situation that is detrimental to us, and remain there in spite of our inner signals that it is wrong.

For example, I remember one of my earlier relationships, the man was very emotionally labile and seemed unable or unwilling to be calm and open during the smallest of conflicts. The red flag in myself was that I mentally noted that he was emotionally immature and did not meet the standards I had for myself for fair, mature communication. I fudged my own boundaries. I accepted rude, hostile behavior and while I said it was not acceptable, I showed him that it was by continuing to engage.

When I look back I have no idea how I tolerated this except to understand that it was what I was accustomed to, to being attacked and accused by an angry person.

The relationship developed a pattern of his overblown emotional reactions and my silence while he took all his personal anger about his whole life out on me. It ended the day I finally collected my mind and upheld the boundary I THOUGHT I had, but which I wasn't able for some reason to enforce.

A list of red flags you've ignored in someone else should always lead to a list of red flags you've ignored in yourself if you'd like to change your relationship patterns and maladaptive habits.

Most often we ignore red flags in others and in ourselves because we've been triggered into old coping mechanisms that keep us stuck. For every action there's a reaction, and if we react to harmful things with habitual fear, the desire to control (or "manage") or uncertainty, we dance with them. The way to grow is to become conscious of our own reactions, and become aware of what motivates them. Often we are motivated by fear, insecurity, and mistaken beliefs. When we can address those we can develop healthy responses to "red flags", and make better relationship choices.

This applies to all areas of life, too... situations at work, with our health, how we interact with the world can all contain clues to our own habits that drag us down. Take any situation that makes you uncomfortable and analyze it this way and you can come up with clues about where you need to grow.