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Post by DearLover on Sept 1, 2017 10:41:12 GMT
Shall we make lists of red flags that we ignored on the first few dates , so we can remember to heed our intuition and be stronger in the future. Also help each other with any behaviour that we didn't have time to experience ~ because they avoided us before the behaviour appeared ~ LOL
If you want to add your (ir)rational justification, even better.
* Before first date kept communicating in writing (email - text), said that didn't like to call and wouldn't call - suited me right because I am very self conscious of my foreign accent
*On the first date: I felt some weird dark vibe as soon as he looked and smile at me. We met at a busy road opposite a train station to go somewhere else. We exchanged very few words and decided to start walking to the location, he then walked ahead leaving me to follow him, his back literally turned to me...I mentioned it on the second date saying that I thought he didn't like me when he saw me because he 'walked away' and he laughed and said "funny how people perceive things in different ways, you are so innocent"
*Second date: It was an amazing date, beautiful moments. First we went to an art gallery. After he kept asking me if I was hungry, suggesting that we could eat something before the cinema...took me to a few places asking me if I wanted to eat the food there...I would say yes but he would change his mind and go somewhere else, and again and again using non sense excuses until there was no more time to eat because we needed to go to the cinema. We ended up eating nuts and olives in a bar, no time for a real meal. Kissed me in the middle of me talking about my feelings and emotions on a date I had been the day before.
*Third date: He was somehow quiet, distant and down (with a few spells of amazingness thrown in)...blamed work and busyness.
*Fourth date: We agreed to go on a walk and dinner at his home, first time I would be visiting his home. He tried to cancel the walk and wanted the dinner straight away. I insisted on the walk. We walked. Dinner was a full blow romantic candlelight affair that freaked me out a little. Yes it was romantic but seemed out of proportion for the time and stage of the relationship. He was dismayed that I didn't want to have sex and sleep over and commented that I don't get easily impressed by him like the other girls do...
*Fifth date: No recollection of red flags
*Sixth date: We went for a bike ride and we stopped at a place where he wanted to take some pictures. He wanted to take pictures of me, wanted me to pose and I said no. He kept asking and insisting and I kept saying that I didn't feel comfortable having my pictures taken by him yet (he is a professional photographer amongst other things)...we carried on riding our bikes and it was amazing. We stopped for a hot chocolate and he wanted to show me photos of his family (mother, sister and nephew/niece) because had been with them the day before...when he opens the phone I see my pictures there!! He took pictures of me behind my back or when I was distracted even though I firmly said 'no' several times...I expressed to him my hurt and distrust...he apologised but I felt it was shallow...later on he said I was over sensitive! I then agreed that I was probably over reacting but I was then closed and confused. But he became extremely lovely and devoted after that apologising on his knees!!! Which A~P woman could resist???
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Post by cricket on Sept 1, 2017 19:29:37 GMT
Thank you for sharing  On our 3rd date he we had a very honest and deep convo about relationships and he opened up about his childhood abuse. The red flag was when he said he never says I love you first in a relationship and he rarely says I love you at all in his relationships. My first thought was to not go any further but I told myself I wouldn't get that involved w him and now it's a yr later and many heart aches. We never listen to those red flags. I think I see then as challenges. He also told me he can cut anyone off just like that. That was another challenge I lost. |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 1, 2017 20:58:07 GMT
Thank you for sharing Cricket.
I will keep mine coming, maybe it will help me heal:
* He said that he doesn't know what Love is
* Convinced an ex to have an abortion and called himself sleazy for not accompanying her to the clinic and visiting her (it was a long distance relationship but he said he went to see her often)...blamed work for not being able to be there for the abortion
*When I asked how he knows that his feelings are fading and his relationships are coming to an end he said that he stop making plans for the weekends!! But of course "I was different"
*All of his relationships ended because the women wanted more from him than what he was prepared to give
*Ghosted the woman he was dating before me after 4 dates. said that didn't contact her to end things because he was abroad on a work trip with poor internet connection
*Asked for a threesome after 5 months of dating because it would bring us *closer together and deepen our intimacy* (not kidding)
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Post by DearLover on Sept 1, 2017 21:02:59 GMT
Oh and one day at a restaurant I was telling him how I admired his strong character and his integrity. He told me he wasn't that way...he pretty much told me he had a weak character and no integrity. I chose not to believe.
And this is the funniest of them all. One day after an amazing beautiful weekend together, it was time for me to go home and he walked me to the bus stop and waited for to get into the double decker bus. I went all the way to the top, sat by the window, smiled and waived at him as the bus moved.
Later on I sent him a message saying how wonderful the weekend was and how happy I was to have met him and highlighted all the qualities I saw in him that made him a good boyfriend to me...He replied long time after: "I liked when you waved goodbye at me from the bus"
My God! Where was I hiding my brain?
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Post by DearLover on Sept 1, 2017 21:09:20 GMT
Sorry, I keep remembering.
One day he said; "I like you" then I said "I like you too" Then he eyes opened and his pupils dilated and he said "I can make you like me even more!"
How cold and calculated.
One thing that always bothered me is that he kept saying now and then when we were apart that he wanted to be "in my arms" while what I longed to hear was him saying that he wanted me in his arms. Somehow it felt like I was a source of comfort to be used when needed but not something he wanted to hold and cherish.
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Post by cricket on Sept 1, 2017 21:15:32 GMT
Omg! That last one made me laugh and cringe at the same time. Im sorry, im sure this has been so hard and gut wrenching. Seems like his defense mechanisms got worse and worse- a threesome! 😬 I'm glad you are starting to heal now.
Recently mine said He knows it's messed up but he feels like he has to miss someone for a while, which explains why he contacts every few weeks. Also that he knows he takes people for granted and that he gets bored in relationships..of course Not bored w me. Lol yea rt.
But I do believe they are mirroring our own fears. I know I am not that comfortable w being so close either which is why I pick someone who will not be able to offer that. I am really digging in myself to have a healthier relationship w myself and others.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2017 22:49:53 GMT
Almost too many to list - but here goes:
Before we were romantically involved he told me at a party that he could attract women by looking at them - and then looking away quickly - then repeating this. I thought it was plain wierd and certainly it didn't work on me - we were friends for years before we became romantically involved.
On an early date he forgot to say goodbye to me - just kind of wandered off as we left the restaurant!
Only texting - uncomfortable with speaking on the phone.
Told me he wasn't any good at relationships.
Told me all his past relationships had gone wrong but that it was alright now (it blatantly wasn't alright since I had hate mail from the latest ex).
No contact between meetings right from the word go
All plans were last minute (nearly all).
Almost fainted when my autistic son asked when we were getting married.
Pathological workaholism
Excessive drinking
Obsessive interest in his dog - his only companion.
After our first idyllic holiday together he out of the blue told me he couldn't be what I needed - but he withdrew that afterwards - suspect he was feeling some kind of intimacy overload.
Despite the fact he's nearly 50 and ours (6 years) was the longest relationship he's had - with most of the others being more hook up than relationship, wouldn't consider counselling as he couldn't see the point (his words) despite declarations this was the best relationship he'd ever had.
When I told him that I needed more from him - to see him more often and more presence ie less drinking, obsessing over his work etc he basically said yes whatever - your choice. So I left!
He's still in touch now - not sure really what he wants , I guess just to keep some semblance of control or something/
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 2, 2017 0:07:58 GMT
Great thread - creating awareness! Here are mine:
- Drug/alcohol addiction
- His mother is extremely avoidant
- History of short-term and unstable relationships
- History of living a parasitic lifestyle
- Cheated in every relationship and before we started dating he even said he thinks cheating is normal (we used to be friends before)
- Said that if we didn't had sex on our first date, he would have never called me again
- Debts/Irresponsible with money
- On our second "date" he said he doesn't trust anyone except for his brother, but the only reason he believes his brother would never break his trust is because he knows too much about his brother. Like blackmail or something. Everything they say to each other can and will be used against each other if needed.
- We speeded through dating. Within one week I met all of his friends and family and we talked about moving in together after a few months.
- Pityplays/victim mentality since day one. Immediately told me sad stories about his childhood (and ofcourse I pitied him and wanted to save him from his misery)
- Together for 4 months, still in this "honeymoon phase", when he couldn't say he missed me when I was on a long overseas trip without him.
- Said all his exes were crazy
And so on.... Neverending list haha.
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Post by bravocharlie on Sept 2, 2017 17:04:10 GMT
The F-A (I now realize) whom I recently met...
Said right off the bat that she doesn't "do" the phone. ...Check.
Said she doesn't know if she's ever been in love. ...Check.
"Jokingly" said she wondered what was wrong with her, regarding not being able to be in relationship. ...Check.
Took photos of me without my knowing, on the first day we met. ...Check.
Had amazing "date," immediately followed by her walking ahead of me, as if we weren't together. ...Check.
Said "everybody cheats" ...Check.
Described a friend that was coming to stay with her for a while as "so needy." ...Check.
Daily drinking (vodka), smoking. ...Check.
Obsessive dog hobby. ...Check. Also current obsessive gardener.
Told me I was the "most," the "only," (etc... other great superlatives) person she'd ever been with who (fill in the blank with fine qualities.) ... ...Check.
....This was within about only four times we ever got together, in person, across two or three weeks. Then--I was axed!
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Post by howpredictable on Sept 2, 2017 21:11:38 GMT
I will link back to this earlier post of mine, even though technically these red flags were not all "early" ones I noticed. But if I'm honest with myself, most of them revealed themselves within the first month or two, and I know I knowingly ignored them all and proceeded to throw myself headlong into the relationship anyway. jebkinnison.boards.net/post/1301Such a big list. *sigh* |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2017 21:27:55 GMT
howpredictable - you and I must have been seeing the same guy! But seriously - it's amazing just how similar these lists are, with the early on managing down of expectations, hyperfocus on pet, hobby, work or anything outside relationship. The texting/ emailing rather than phone contact is an interesting one - I was the only person who ever ever phoned the ex, all his other acquaintances knew to only contact him by sms. Funnily enough whilst he often sends me sms 's nowadays, I won't pander to his avoidance and pretty much always reply by phoning him because I find it easier and more direct to contact him in this way rather than risk the ambivalence of remote messaging. I didn't pick this up as a red flag at all early on. The ex also uses his daughter as something to focus on to get out of the way of intimacy - it used to drive me mad - he has one teenage kid who he looks after for 2 days a week who he finds all consuming - worries constantly about her happiness, wants to please her, no boundaries, whilst I have 6 kids two of whom are autistic and yet I still managed to find time for our relationship. Yikes. |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 2, 2017 23:03:39 GMT
Oh, this jumped at me: "finding it all consuming"
That sums my ex DA
Everything is so consuming, so hard, so complicate, so difficult.
I am a pretty happy person and this attitude was really grating on me, now I can see.
Looking at myself in the mirror today, I feel so jovial and fresh...I remember looking in the mirror during one of his silent 'retreats' and feeling old, hardened, dull, ugly.
Talking about ugly: I went from being his perfect women to be at the receiving end of fashion tips about my hair style, outfits, shoes, handbags and even ear rings! I playfully confronted him on that and he said he just wanted to 'help' me 'improve'. I them told him that if he had such a gift in helping women improve their appearance, he could open a business and make money by doing it...and if he really wanted to help me he could always take me on a shopping spree (and pay for everything he deemed suitable enough of course)...It was all fun and jokes but the bottom line is, I started to become insecure about my looks and my choices, started to buy unnecessary items of clothing and worry about my appearance while with him. That is not with a relationship is all about. If you are not feeling happy and comfortable in your own skin in your relationship than you are with the wrong person.
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Post by DearLover on Sept 2, 2017 23:48:41 GMT
Oh, and other thing I have noticed, exDA was very keen on asking "How do you feel?" or "How are you feeling?" I would explain my feelings but then there were no feedback at all from him, no follow up...sometimes he would repeat the word I have said, e.g. after his 1st silent treatment I was explaining how utterly shocked I felt, I could never imagined that our relationship was like that or he could behave in such way and he repeated 'shocked'... as if trying to understand how shocked feels like, as if trying hard to empathise.
My dad died he he TEXTS me: I am sorry to hear that Dear Lover. How do you feel?
I explain how I feel
Him after one hour: When are you back to work? (I was on working holiday)
It seems to me that he learned from someone along the way that you must ask people, specially girlfriends about their feelings..But since it isn't natural to him he doesn't know what to do with the answer...
I was getting fed up to have to explain and dissect my feelings all the time though. I want someone who can feel with me.
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Post by cricket on Sept 2, 2017 23:58:12 GMT
Dearlover- wow, that's very interesting. Kind of how asperger's works. I read how they do take cues and repeat words and do try to empathize but they just can't. Not at all saying that's what he had but it's just interesting. Mine would want to talk about what we were thinking about our "non-relationship " as he called it. Looking back I think the talking about things heightened his feelings in the moment because it was that drama that he needs to feel something. I realized I did that a lot too but I've out grown that now.
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Post by trixie5179 on Sept 3, 2017 3:15:21 GMT
--workaholic
--only had one other girlfriend than me, and it was long distance
--single for 8 years, not even a casual date
-- still angry over getting dumped 9 years ago
--never really called, mostly texted and said he didn't like talking on the phone
--severely bullied by women in youth and would convey a lot of anger about this
--always felt like women were judging him/looking down on him
--would drop hints about how he "wasn't used" to seeing a girlfriend 'so often'
--often got up and left the room after sex
--known amongst his friends as being a "solo" guy
--has a large group of friends, but doesn't get close to anyone new--just close to sibling and a childhood friend
I could go on, but I'll stop here. Looking back, there were so many...
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