(Plz don’t kill me)....should I send this letter Dec 22, 2020 22:47:20 GMT via mobile
Post by doctora on Dec 22, 2020 22:47:20 GMT
My guess is if you both actually went to therapy seriously and without “couples” therapy, but just serious therapy to deal with the traumas of your upbringing, you probably wouldn’t even be interested in one another.
I feel you’re completely triggered right now and I hope you can burn that letter and never speak to him or anybody from his family again (and attention seek). I would explore in therapy what issues I was trying to fix but trying to change this guy. And trying to change his narrative to finally acknowledge me.
Once you’re on your way to personal growth through serious therapy, you simply won’t need any of this. You’re in the throws of codependency now, but there is a way out. In addition to your individual therapy; I recommend joining a CoDA meeting.
I completely agree with the first thing you said, and one of the reasons why I am itching to have the last word and thus over-explain is because I see right through his avoidant tactics now, I don’t misunderstand him, and I don’t blame myself even if he blames me, and I don’t want to let him get away with demonizing me. In a way it’s kind of like a “F you... you can walk away, but FYI, you’re wrong about everything, here’s why, and bye.”
I really appreciate your response and it had a lot of good stuff, and I know what you’re trying to say, but it actually feels triggering to say that the only reason why I’m with this guy or we were interested in eachother was bc of the toxic dynamic. That’s like saying, “hey, everything you perceived is wrong because you’re such a mess.” I don’t expect you to have read the whole backstory or thread, but that’s not the case. I knew him since I was younger, we lived together for two years in Europe and had tons of adventures, had a home together, hosted friends and family. We share humor, hobbies, music tastes, friends, interests, goals,....it’s not all about our AP/DA dynamic, which actually, I think is why he has kept coming back. And that’s not a stretch....that happens in some cases of extreme cycling. It’s not ALL pathology, some if it can be real connection and even love. But...I’m not romanticizing it at the expense of reality. I’m strong enough now to hold space for both truths, that this could have been better if he showed up and got more secure, BUT he refused to do his part and has pulled an avoidant move again. It’s ok. I don’t think acknowledging the strengths of the relationship is giving me toxic hope anymore or means I don’t see just how bad it is.
I am triggered for sure. However, I think any AP earned secure that got their hopes up for pretty good reasons would relapse a tad ...whether it’s codependency or just post-breakup processing. I feel duped. For months he was showing up...He had contacted me this time after he read a book on avoidance. It wasn’t all talk with no action. He was paying for therapy. He was motivated. He was looking for an individual therapist. Maybe he couldn’t do the work after all, but I wasn’t imagining anything, he was really trying for a while. I would have never agreed had I knew this would happen.
Its not as much I feel responsible for him making understand things....I am more ANGRY that he could willfully distort his view of me in his head to make walking away easier. But I know if I deliver my rebuttal aggressively, like “what you’re doing is avoidant, you’re being idiot, I’m not a mind reader, you never speak up like a normal functional boyfriend, your behavior is predictable” that will fuel the fire. In fact thats kind of what I did during the break up session. I called him the R-word a lot and was being extremely sassy. I just kind of want the last word. I dunno if that’s codependent or self-validating, or both.
Either way, I’m not sending the letter....yet. But I’m not burning it. I think anything I send is ok as long as I am genuinely doing it to feel peace, not to reengage with him. But yeah, I likely won’t send it.
I’m not attention seeking from his sister.. His sister and I have been in contact since 2009, I’ve helped her get out of abusive relationships, I’ve looked out for her for years, and often we don’t talk about her brother at all. She’s been a surprising source of support through his bad behavior. She called me yesterday after I “broke up with her” over text, she was so supportive, she said his behavior has been disgusting towards me and it’s not my fault, and that love isn’t enough, the bottom line is he isn’t committing how I need him to, he isn’t respecting my needs, and that I deserve the best....she has been an ally through this. Surprisingly she and his mother have been really supportive. They know he’s crazy difficult. Either way; we ended things on a good note.
I will check out CoDA- I think I had some codependency issues with my parents and certainly that has to do with being AP, as AP partner has trouble with taking on more than their fair share of responsibility, so thank you for the suggestion. And I’ve been in serious therapy.
I will soon not be needing any of this, I feel myself relaxing. I’m processing this fast and the forum is helping for sure. I think I needed to take it to this point to really let go...we had ALL the resources in the world and I was behaving securely and he still didn’t follow through. I know it’s not me. I’ll get
over this quickly.