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Post by doctora on Dec 21, 2020 17:30:32 GMT
OK before you talk me down, please know I HAVE been listening to you and I greatly appreciate all the advice. I know I have more work to do, and I’m sure as hell gonna do it. On the other forum one user commented that I analyze his behavior too much and don’t listen, so because my crazy AP side monitors for unfinished business, I wrote this. I actually think it might be good to send, because it’s softer. My DA broke it off in therapy 3 weeks ago. He was motivated at the beginning and then shut down at the first sign of trouble. Any feedback appreciated.
Dear A,
I heard you at the last session that you feel blamed and criticized. I am sorry that what I say comes off as criticism, especially when you don’t deserve it. I am genuinely sorry that I made a big deal about the 50/50 blame thing, saying it was more like 70(you)/30(me) the past few years. I really meant investment, not blame - it was not a 50/50 investment, which you admitted. But blame - really, responsibility - for actual interactions, I gladly take my half of it.
Part of what I think happens when you leave is you feel like I have crossed your boundaries, and instead of explaining or communicating how I did or where your boundaries are, you get so disgusted that you leave altogether. One goal of therapy is to learn where your boundaries are so I can meet your needs. This is why, when you told me when I try to get you to open up when you are distancing that it feels intrusive, it blew my mind. I always thought that was an act of love, trying to get you to open up, and it never occurred to me that you hated it and felt like I was prodding you and not respecting privacy. If that’s the case, then of course you felt like when I said “I care about what’s in your mind” about the IUD thing was intrusive as well (I can assure you, that needs further clarification, you interpreted that in the worst way possible.)
I can respect boundaries if I know they are there, and furthermore, even if I make a mistake, relationships grow through rupture and repair, not never crossing each others boundaries. And sometimes I think things may get said wrong - mistakes are made - and what I actually mean to say or do comes off as crossing a line, but wouldn’t be if they were understood from my point of view (again, such as the IUD thing, you probably saw it as me concerning myself with your professional stuff and your thoughts, when it was way more about me than you. Maybe that had to do with how I said it, or maybe you jumped to conclusions, or a little of both).
Either way, I am sorry for when I cross your boundaries, but please be aware that I don’t always know where they are. That was a major goal of therapy, for you to be able to express where your boundaries and feel safe doing so. I need you to know that. When you leave you prevent that clarification and repair from happening.
I think I’ve put so much effort into figuring out this attachment stuff because I truly wouldn’t understand why you’d leave abruptly. Id figure out what really transpired retroactively. We have different boundaries because we’re different people, and you can’t assume everyone has the same ones. Mistakes will be made.
When I point out the avoidant stuff it is never to shame you or make you feel solely to blame. In my mind it’s to make you aware of what you’re doing, like
I wish you’d make me aware when I upset you in real time instead of walking away. That’s what I meant by having patience and sticking to therapy.
I say all this fully aware that I also have to work to do on myself, and am learning every day. I am also going to do more therapy and work on getting more secure for myself and my own life. I think I’ve made some big strides but there is far more for me to do. I really love you and hope we can work on things. I don’t want to put pressure but I really do want a family, I am so, so ready to be a mom, hence what I said in my first letter. The rest entirely up to you, as I said in the letter. But I’m trying to be a little softer here bc after thinking about it I think I do understand where you are coming from.
I hope you come back and I love you, and I think we can do this. I saw you were investing and putting in effort and I assure you it was working. But we’d have to keep going.
Either way, I have released you with love. I know if you can’t or don’t want to do this it has nothing to do with me. My issues are mine and yours are yours. I think maybe eventually we can be friends. I said this to the therapist, part of why I haven’t wanted to walk away is because underneath whatever trauma has happened we have the type of bond that is appropriate for people who get married. It’s unique, it’s irreplaceable. I believe we are highly *highly* compatible, or can be if we do the work required of us. I think we trigger each other. I think if we actually do the work, together and separately, we probably would not get divorced if we got married, because we would have worked through things and learned how to communicate. We could be an example for other couples who struggle with this attachment stuff. I feel like the bond we have could be transformative for both of us in the right direction if you wanted it to, but I do not take it personally if you don’t want it to.
-AB
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 21, 2020 17:40:09 GMT
I think this is a great letter for you to keep...but I would not recommend sending it. What if he doesn’t respond? How would that make you feel. What if he does respond, just not in the way you want.
If there is anything I have learned from my years working for and with men....they prefer short and to the point. They prefer the point to be at the top, not in the middle or at the end.
If you really want closure....set up a coffee date and discuss these points with him. Explain that you just have a few lingering items you want to meet with him about. It will also allow you a chance to see how he responds instead of waiting for a text or a phone call.
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Post by doctora on Dec 21, 2020 19:54:35 GMT
tnr9....gotcha, right on. Will keep the letter for now. If he didn’t reply it wouldn’t phase me bc everything with him is planting seeds anyway, everything takes a long time, it’s up to him and the universe to water them and see if anything grows. My whole thing with him has been about leaving no stone unturned and being able to walk away knowing I did EVERYTHING in my power. Because it’s the unfinished business that keeps me returning. In a way, this is for me. I am tempted to call him up or text him and plan a meeting, but am worried about coming off as intrusive. The benefit to a letter is he can look and it and look at it again on his own time. Also, he can say he doesn’t want to meet up, but who never opens a letter? With him I actually can never be sure that what I’m saying is sticking in real time, which is why I like letters and written communication. On the other hand, in person has good benefits as well. Dunno. Also I agree with you - in fact, me ex always would tell me about an army communication method, BLUF - Bottom Line Up Front. Help me out a little of you don’t mind - what exactly is my main point? Lol! I feel like it’s all a main point so I’m having trouble organizing it, but maybe the part about how I wish he would express his boundaries better because I don’t know where they are. Again, thanks, you’ve been so helpful. I will NOT send the letter but having a perfectly crafted one makes me feel more, empowered?
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Post by alexandra on Dec 21, 2020 20:07:36 GMT
It is good to sort out your thoughts, connect with yourself, know how you feel. Writing a letter like this can be similar to journaling in that way, and if a conversation like this ever organically presents itself then you'll be sorted out and can be more constructive in your communication at that time. I am wondering... you said you placed a boundary and were not going to continue talking to him, right? That the ball is in his court? I used to do this same thing, I felt I was never communicating what I really meant or enough or the "right" way. Then I'd want to keep trying until I felt "closure" but I never did because the problem was I wasn't connecting properly with my own needs or confident enough to state them clearly (as I was afraid the guy would decide I was "too much" and then leave). It's really important in these situations to stick with healthy boundaries you've set, though, and especially when you are talking about boundaries in the above... it gets confusing that you're saying in words that you want to have good boundaries but in action you are switching it up. It makes me feel like you're not respecting your own boundaries or prioritizing your own, in this attempt to understand his (which he wants you to mind-read about, which means he either doesn't understand where his boundaries are yet because he's disconnected from himself OR he is not at a place where he can communicate them yet). So I agree with tnr9 you shouldn't send it for both the reasons she's listed and because it actually makes things worse when dealing with people with insecure attachment styles to set boundaries then rescind then try to re-state them, then shift them, etc. But I'd also give things more time since you'd said you'd already stated a boundary in a past post, and not set up a coffee time or do this right now, unless you organically have gotten back in touch with each other. |
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Post by doctora on Dec 21, 2020 20:28:33 GMT
alexandra....yeah I agree with you, and that’s also my concern. Although I don’t actually think this would be violating a boundary or rescinding it. Maybe I’m thinking too much like a lawyer, but regardless, I did set a boundary before to him in a letter I sent two weeks ago, saying don’t contact ME unless you’re willing to do your half, and I still want that. I’m thinking of this letter more as an addendum. I could even add, “everything in my first letter applies but after thinking about it and feeling out my feelings, I wanted to clarify some things before leaving it completely alone.” I am not confident that we’ll get to meet organically, because once he makes a decision in his detached state, he can stay stubbornly resolute about it for a long, long time. Even if he has doubts he won’t reach out, at least that’s been the pattern. I have two ways of reasoning about this. Because it’s recent (3 weeks since breakup), I almost feel less weird about sending this soon-ish (maybe in a few weeks) because, well, I want to have planted all the seeds I need to and then be done with it, and also, the sooner possibly the better since it takes him a lot of time to process things. Also, because truly I kind of do want to know I’ve done everything in my power, because it brings a kind of peace. If I send it in a month or two, it shows him I’m still thinking about it and not moving on, and this may interfere with any fear of loss that could be organically developing over that time. At the same time, that’s kind of like game playing, which I don’t want to do. Maybe in a few months is better. I’m truly not trying to be as strategic about this (which is outcome oriented) as I am trying to be honest and stick to my truth. But, I do want to protect myself. For now I’m not sending this letter, but yeah, if you have any more thoughts please let me know. OHH!! One more thing; I sent this to his sister an hour ago: Hey M. Id wanted to chat on the phone about it and we can to say bye, but it’s prob not necessary....anyway, I love you very much and I love your family and even your brother and all our mutual friends very much but for the sake my own healing I think it’s time we start the official “no contact” between us. Obviously it has nothing to do with you. You yourself have encouraged it so I know you get it. I probably shouldn’t have even been talking to you or your mom or V(his best friend) about any of this stuff, but I felt like I needed support. In doing so I probably crossed boundaries I shouldn’t have. I don’t know at this point. It’s all in the past now. I’m going to be focusing a lot on my own healing and becoming more secure for myself, and becoming the best version of myself so I can have a good life and be a great mom. I do hope your brother comes back but it’s totally out of my control. This was never about me forcing anything, I just wanted to leave no stone unturned and know I did all I could do. I think I’ve done that. I may or may not contact him to tie up some other loose ends but regardless, this is the end of this chapter. I love you M. Please take care of yourself and know that if there is any kind of emergency you can always reach out. Good right?
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 21, 2020 20:37:10 GMT
tnr9 ....gotcha, right on. Will keep the letter for now. If he didn’t reply it wouldn’t phase me bc everything with him is planting seeds anyway, everything takes a long time, it’s up to him and the universe to water them and see if anything grows. My whole thing with him has been about leaving no stone unturned and being able to walk away knowing I did EVERYTHING in my power. Because it’s the unfinished business that keeps me returning. In a way, this is for me. I am tempted to call him up or text him and plan a meeting, but am worried about coming off as intrusive. The benefit to a letter is he can look and it and look at it again on his own time. Also, he can say he doesn’t want to meet up, but who never opens a letter? With him I actually can never be sure that what I’m saying is sticking in real time, which is why I like letters and written communication. On the other hand, in person has good benefits as well. Dunno. Also I agree with you - in fact, me ex always would tell me about an army communication method, BLUF - Bottom Line Up Front. Help me out a little of you don’t mind - what exactly is my main point? Lol! I feel like it’s all a main point so I’m having trouble organizing it, but maybe the part about how I wish he would express his boundaries better because I don’t know where they are. Again, thanks, you’ve been so helpful. I will NOT send the letter but having a perfectly crafted one makes me feel more, empowered? So I agree with alexandra that if you have put a boundary of no communication out there...it would look like your boundaries are not firm if you came across as changing your mind and communicated. I do want to touch upon the letter, text and even phone call method of dealing with uncomfortable topics...in this case, you are not helping him....you would be enabling him to think it is ok to only deal with these topics via non face to face communication vehicles versus face his discomfort head on. It is completely appropriate as adults to have face to face conversations...especially regarding difficult topics and this is where I think a boundary is completely appropriate. I will never again have a sensitive discussion over the phone....too much can be misinterpreted without seeing the other person’s face and body language. |
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Post by iz42 on Dec 21, 2020 23:04:48 GMT
I agree with what others have said. I have done this a lot in the past as well where I convince myself that I haven't explained everything the right way, and I need to reach out, when really it's just another way to avoid letting go. I know how hard it is. I understand if you feel that you have to send this, but I would encourage you to spend some more time meditating on it before you do it. From an outsider's perspective it really seems like the best move on your part is to do what you said you're doing in the text to his sister (focus on yourself and your own healing) rather than continuing to communicate with him, especially when you've set a boundary and you haven't heard from him. If you had to boil it down to a few sentences, what are you trying to say in the letter, really? It sort of sounds to me like you're trying to convince him to change his mind and give you another shot. Unfortunately as others have said... if he's not ready to do the work he's just not ready  |
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Post by doctora on Dec 22, 2020 0:12:40 GMT
I think what im trying to do in the letter is frame what happened in a way where he feels validated and seen. I’m not sure I did that in therapy. He likely feels like he was doing his half, and in a way he was, but he felt like leaving after feeling his boundaries were crossed. I don’t expect him to do the work because of this, or anything I do, but I want to make sure he knows what he’s walking away from. I don’t really see what I have to lose.
We’ve had plenty of face to face discussions and phone discussions, I actually prefer writing because I know everything I say will be heard. It’s not that he’s a coward with that kind of thing, it’s more so that i don’t have to rely on his memory and emotional processing, which is...inconsistent. If I write, I know that nothing will be misinterpreted, or left out.
Also, I don’t really care what he has to say in response. Unless he truly has changed his mind and is motivated to do the work, I actually don’t want to hear from him, my first letter still applies 100%. This is more an addendum for me, because the first letter doesn’t necessarily validate his feelings, and I don’t think I did validate anything during the breakup session, I was mostly just telling him he was doing exactly what an avoidant does.
I honestly don’t think this is a way to avoid letting go, I think this is going to help me let go.
When I sent my ex the Jeb book, in June, I had this overwhelming sense of peace, like ahh, I can let go, I no longer feel compelled to explain anything, it was so validating, and I figured if he doesn’t respond I’ve done my part. Sure enough that’s when he responded. I’m not trying to send it to get him to do one thing or another, but I do feel like this may be good for me. Again, the no stone unturned.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 22, 2020 1:33:07 GMT
I think what im trying to do in the letter is frame what happened in a way where he feels validated and seen. I’m not sure I did that in therapy. He likely feels like he was doing his half, and in a way he was, but he felt like leaving after feeling his boundaries were crossed. I don’t expect him to do the work because of this, or anything I do, but I want to make sure he knows what he’s walking away from. I don’t really see what I have to lose. We’ve had plenty of face to face discussions and phone discussions, I actually prefer writing because I know everything I say will be heard. It’s not that he’s a coward with that kind of thing, it’s more so that i don’t have to rely on his memory and emotional processing, which is...inconsistent. If I write, I know that nothing will be misinterpreted, or left out. Also, I don’t really care what he has to say in response. Unless he truly has changed his mind and is motivated to do the work, I actually don’t want to hear from him, my first letter still applies 100%. This is more an addendum for me, because the first letter doesn’t necessarily validate his feelings, and I don’t think I did validate anything during the breakup session, I was mostly just telling him he was doing exactly what an avoidant does. I honestly don’t think this is a way to avoid letting go, I think this is going to help me let go. When I sent my ex the Jeb book, in June, I had this overwhelming sense of peace, like ahh, I can let go, I no longer feel compelled to explain anything, it was so validating, and I figured if he doesn’t respond I’ve done my part. Sure enough that’s when he responded. I’m not trying to send it to get him to do one thing or another, but I do feel like this may be good for me. Again, the no stone unturned. Honestly.....I think we could tell you a thousand different ways why we think it isn’t a good idea and you will come up with a thousand reasons why it is good. But I would suggest you consider what alexandra has stated as she has walked in similar shoes to yours. |
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Post by doctora on Dec 22, 2020 6:36:01 GMT
tnr9 alexandra I have decided not to send it for now at least. I don’t know if sending something like it (a shortened version) is actually violating my own boundaries. I need to think about that. I do not think we will have a chance to meet or chat organically, as my instructions to him were specifically, NEVER contact me again unless you are willing to do your half and take this seriously. It’s funny, I don’t trust his common sense because his behavior has been so unstable and irrational, so it’s like I think I have to explain everything....that I can’t mind-read boundaries, he doesn’t ever let me know what upsets him until he’s detached, and that he jumps to the worst conclusions possible about me when he feels triggered. He must know he’s doing this on some level, right? What I really want to know is, is my letter totally unnecessary, as in, does he actually know all that stuff already and is just willfully ignoring it? Because DAs and FAs can be crazy unaware. I just don’t ever know if he understands or is aware of what he’s doing. I’m sure he does some of the time. I know what you’re gonna say - it’s not my responsibility to educate him on what he does or doesn’t do....but, man, why do I have such an urge to explain myself? I think it’s because he blames me and distorts my words and actions and interprets them the worst way possible, always right before he leaves, and I feel so misunderstood and accused, I feel the need to clarify and defend myself and I never get a chance to. I really don’t want to switch up boundaries and be inconsistent, but I don’t want to let him get away with warping my intentions so he can blissfully demonize me. I KNOW it shouldn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do. But damnit it bothers me. I want to act with self respect, so if I send this at all, it will be soon....I don’t want to be sending this later on - I feel like this time period is still ok to be not entirely moved on, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I’m still hung up on really any later. I’m still not sending it. I’m thinking about it.
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Post by iz42 on Dec 22, 2020 7:38:22 GMT
I know what you’re gonna say - it’s not my responsibility to educate him on what he does or doesn’t do....but, man, why do I have such an urge to explain myself? I think it’s because he blames me and distorts my words and actions and interprets them the worst way possible, always right before he leaves, and I feel so misunderstood and accused, I feel the need to clarify and defend myself and I never get a chance to. Whew - I feel like this describes my entire 5 year on and off relationship with my FA ex. I spent SOOOO much time and energy explaining myself. Most of the time it felt like talking to a brick wall. Sometimes (occasionally) it seemed like I was getting through and that's what made it so enticing to keep trying. I think it was actually part of the intermittent reinforcement pattern for me. I won't go into the details here but my ex is definitely FA and I was/am AP working toward secure. I think there is a real disconnect between attachment styles that perpetuates this cycle of explaining and not feeling heard on one side and frustration / shutting down on the other. This dynamic is unique to the anxious-avoidant dance and it's not something I've ever experienced before in other relationships. Before I met my ex I'd never felt like I needed so desperately for someone else to understand my perspective and my feelings, nor had I ever felt so misunderstood. I guess what I have taken from my experience is that there was really nothing I could say that would have fully gotten through to him. His conditioning was just so different that he could never relate, and that was hard to accept but it's just the reality. I'm still in the process of grieving my relationship and this is something that's actually sort of a relief to let go of -- it's nice to just be okay with my own responses and be free of the feeling that I need to explain myself. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 22, 2020 12:01:33 GMT
tnr9 alexandra I have decided not to send it for now at least. I don’t know if sending something like it (a shortened version) is actually violating my own boundaries. I need to think about that. I do not think we will have a chance to meet or chat organically, as my instructions to him were specifically, NEVER contact me again unless you are willing to do your half and take this seriously. It’s funny, I don’t trust his common sense because his behavior has been so unstable and irrational, so it’s like I think I have to explain everything....that I can’t mind-read boundaries, he doesn’t ever let me know what upsets him until he’s detached, and that he jumps to the worst conclusions possible about me when he feels triggered. He must know he’s doing this on some level, right? What I really want to know is, is my letter totally unnecessary, as in, does he actually know all that stuff already and is just willfully ignoring it? Because DAs and FAs can be crazy unaware. I just don’t ever know if he understands or is aware of what he’s doing. I’m sure he does some of the time. I know what you’re gonna say - it’s not my responsibility to educate him on what he does or doesn’t do....but, man, why do I have such an urge to explain myself? I think it’s because he blames me and distorts my words and actions and interprets them the worst way possible, always right before he leaves, and I feel so misunderstood and accused, I feel the need to clarify and defend myself and I never get a chance to. I really don’t want to switch up boundaries and be inconsistent, but I don’t want to let him get away with warping my intentions so he can blissfully demonize me. I KNOW it shouldn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do. But damnit it bothers me. I want to act with self respect, so if I send this at all, it will be soon....I don’t want to be sending this later on - I feel like this time period is still ok to be not entirely moved on, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I’m still hung up on really any later. I’m still not sending it. I’m thinking about it. I understand, I really do.....To answer your question...it isn’t really a choice...I think he is showing you what he is capable of in a relationship, given the tools he has in his toolbox....which are not many. I know it is hard to believe that someone can consistently show up and not be able to understand but instead becomes defensive. Although I lean AP, I am FA....I can honestly say it has nothing to with you...this is all internal to him. He has to make the decision on his own without any guidance from you. I think you saw a very unique scenario between your dad and step mom and so you see the possibility for change...but that is the exception. |
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Post by doctora on Dec 22, 2020 17:02:21 GMT
Thanks for understanding, guys. All of this is definitely helping. I whittled it down and got rid of the pathetic this could work parts, but I’m still not sending it. Here is a draft of the letter I won’t send.
Dear A,
I have a few more things to add.
I feel that when you leave, it’s because you feel like I have crossed your boundaries, and instead of explaining or communicating how I did or where your boundaries are, you get so disgusted that you switch off and leave altogether.
A major goal of therapy was to feel safe expressing boundaries and needs. Everyone’s are different and I’m not a mind reader. For example, when you told me that when I try to get you to open up when you are distancing that it feels intrusive, it blew my mind. I always believed that was an act of love, trying to get you to open up and understand what was making you upset, and it never once occurred to me that you hated it and felt like I was prodding you and not respecting privacy. Totally opposite perceptions. I can imagine therefore that when I said “I care about what’s in your mind” about the IUD thing, you felt it was intrusive and disrespectful as well, since one’s thoughts are supposed to be private. I am pretty sure that was not interpreted the way I meant it, but we never discussed it, so that’s not surprising. I feel like you can jump to the worst conclusions possible about what I say or do, and I end up feeling accused and misunderstood. Again, with the IUD, maybe you felt like I was concerning myself with your professional life and your private thoughts, when it was way more about me and my feelings and experiences than anything else. Maybe I said it wrong, or maybe you jumped to conclusions, or a little of both. Either way, when you distance or leave, you prevent clarification and repair. I believe relationships grow through rupture and repair, not never crossing each others boundaries. If there’s no room for error and conflict, then of course there’s no chance. The only way your boundaries never get crossed and feelings never get hurt is if you aren’t that close with the person. This applies for everything - but it’s easier to get away with in friendships and at work, even family if that’s the MO.
I heard you at the last session, that you felt blamed and criticized. I wanted to explain that when I point out any avoidance stuff, it is not to shame you or make you feel bad, or to blame. In my mind it’s to make you aware of what I think you’re doing, like I wish you’d make me aware when I upset you in real time instead of walking away. I am sorry that I made a big deal about the 50/50 blame thing, saying it was more like 70(you)/30(me) the past few years. I think I really meant investment, not blame - it was not a 50/50 investment, which you admitted and apologized for. But blame - rather, responsibility - for actual interactions, I gladly take my half of it, and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear.
I meant everything I said in the first letter, and I know if you can’t or don’t want to do this work with me it has nothing to do with me. My issues are mine and yours are yours. I intend to do more work on myself and become more secure for my own life. Maybe eventually we can be friends.
This doesn’t negate the first letter, its an addendum I felt the need to write after thinking about it and letting myself feel my feelings. I wanted you to know that just because I talked about attachment, and just because I inadvertently hurt your feelings or crossed your boundaries, doesn’t mean I think your feelings and boundaries are not important. I care and always have cared about them. I just wanted to clarify that before leaving it completely alone.
Love,
Annie
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 22, 2020 18:18:19 GMT
It is a nice letter...but I am glad you are not sending it. He likely doesn’t know where his boundaries are until you step over them. Even then, he might not recognize them as his boundaries...he might think you should “know” what pisses him of or makes him feel blamed, just like you have thought he should know certain things about you. That is human nature...no matter how altruistic we think we are...we can only ever be thinking about another person’s needs and wants from our own perspective. As such, one of the tools that I have had to develop on my journey is to be curious and ask questions instead of go forward with what first pops in my head. What I might think is a breach of conduct may simply be a misunderstanding by the other person. You are correct that relationships are about learning through mistakes and figuring out the lay of the land...but you need 2 people who are willing to go on that journey together. What I see here...on these forums time and time again is that 1 partner...usually the anxious one....tries to learn as much as he or she can about their avoidant leaning partner in order to somehow get that person to participate in a mutual relationship and over and over again I see that tactic fail.
Boundaries are supposed to be firm but flexible.....when I am in an avoidant state....my boundaries are walls with moats, like a fortress...when I am in an anxious state.....I have very weak boundaries, they feel like they don’t exist. I do hope you have found the peace you needed by writing this. 🙂
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Post by annieb on Dec 22, 2020 20:06:11 GMT
Just like you need him to understand you a certain way (control the narrative), to validate you. he needs you to minsunderstand him in a certain way so he can project onto you (control the narrative), to also validate him.
My guess is if you both actually went to therapy seriously and without “couples” therapy, but just serious therapy to deal with the traumas of your upbringing, you probably wouldn’t even be interested in one another.
I feel you’re completely triggered right now and I hope you can burn that letter and never speak to him or anybody from his family again (and attention seek). I would explore in therapy what issues I was trying to fix but trying to change this guy. And trying to change his narrative to finally acknowledge me.
Once you’re on your way to personal growth through serious therapy, you simply won’t need any of this. You’re in the throws of codependency now, but there is a way out. In addition to your individual therapy; I recommend joining a CoDA meeting.
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