(Plz don’t kill me)....should I send this letter Feb 27, 2021 15:27:03 GMT
Post by simon on Feb 27, 2021 15:27:03 GMT
Doctora, it does sound like you are victimizing yourself. And that is absolutely GREAT.
Maybe, you WERE a victim. And maybe it's time you accepted that. ;-)
That anger is healthy, you need to feel it. It's energy... bubbling up that you suppressed and refused to acknowledge for a long time. And it probably comes from 2 areas.
First, you're angry at him... he wasn't fair, he wasn't reliable, he wasn't respectful, and he wasted your time. No, he probably didn't "mean" to do it, but the effect is the same, and you deserve to be hurt over that. This anger, this energy... is your inner child rebuilding healthy boundaries, and also acknowledging that the "fantasy" you had in your head won't come true, and you wasted that time on someone that couldn't meet you. THAT is your lesson, and uncomfortable to admit. Growth never comes from a place of comfort. And that anger, covers the sadness from the death of the dream of who you thought he was or wanted him to be. You need to grieve that loss.
And second, that anger is at yourself, from your inner child. And that is healthy, too. Angry that you let yourself down, angry that you believed the bullshit for so long, angry that you lowered your expectations and boundaries and standards and settled for something that wasn't meeting your needs. You lied to yourself, and you kind of knew it all along. But you fawned and gave in and tried to play the "peaceful buddha" in order to bring calm to the situation, in hopes that THEY would magically change. You tried to be the martyr, and now you pay the price, because you were not TRUE to yourself.
That anger, is also energy... use it to your advantage and build yourself whole again. Now, live and learn... and don't beat yourself up too much. But "feel" that anger and process it, and transmute it into healthy action and rebuilding and healing. Not that it was on purpose, but you were in an abusive relationship for quite some time. And yes, to some extent you "allowed" yourself to be abused, so there is accountability to take and own as well, and it doesn't feel good to admit it. You need to reparent that inner child so she can trust you again, that you will do the right thing in the future and protect her. And when that happens, chances are that the anger you feel towards your ex will shift, and change into empathy and compassion. But not like in the past, where you lowered your own needs to feel it, and hoped that "empathy and compassion and understanding" would allow things to be smoother because you were abandoning yourself and YOUR healthy needs. But in a new way, coming from a place of strength where you feel it from a distance, and with true deep acceptance of who they really are, almost feeling sorry for them as the deeply wounded child that is reality. Ironically, this will be closer to unconditional love than you ever felt in the relationship, because you will be loving their "whole" self in the most authentic and real way possible, with no "blinders" on to their faults.
But don't shy away from that anger. Relish in it, own it, feel it, use it, and turn it into something beautiful for yourself.