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Post by dullboat123 on Jul 28, 2021 0:24:41 GMT
But I am not talking to anyone at a woman’s shelter, I am talking to you and specifically to your own relationship that you put in this forum. I would like to think I would first listen to each of their stories. I would really like to hear more about how you are owning your role…..please provide those details….what did you do that did not protect yourself? What would you do differently now? What changes in your own behavior are you implementing? Who are your accountability partners? This is how change happens…by looking at your own role and making changes. I think I have provided enough details for you to piece together a picture of how hard I tried and my avoidant ex still manages to find faults and latch onto it to justify breaking up. At the end of the day, it is still a fact that I've spent thousands on therapy across no less than 5 mental health professionals to arrive at the conclusion that I probably own 5% of the issues in the relationship. And that 5% is a direct reaction to an avoidant's non-responsiveness, passive aggression and string along. My other relationships with colleagues, friends and families are completely fine. I used to have issues with my parents and siblings but those are from teenage angst and probably environmental/situational. I have since made amends (something an unaware avoidant will never do) and my family is closer to me than ever before. I am also making new friends and widening my circle of friends through colleagues. So yes, I've done all these work. Have you ever acknowledged that avoidants contribute to a major portion of relationship breakdowns in partners, friends and their family? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 28, 2021 3:19:12 GMT
But I am not talking to anyone at a woman’s shelter, I am talking to you and specifically to your own relationship that you put in this forum. I would like to think I would first listen to each of their stories. I would really like to hear more about how you are owning your role…..please provide those details….what did you do that did not protect yourself? What would you do differently now? What changes in your own behavior are you implementing? Who are your accountability partners? This is how change happens…by looking at your own role and making changes. I think I have provided enough details for you to piece together a picture of how hard I tried and my avoidant ex still manages to find faults and latch onto it to justify breaking up. At the end of the day, it is still a fact that I've spent thousands on therapy across no less than 5 mental health professionals to arrive at the conclusion that I probably own 5% of the issues in the relationship. And that 5% is a direct reaction to an avoidant's non-responsiveness, passive aggression and string along. My other relationships with colleagues, friends and families are completely fine. I used to have issues with my parents and siblings but those are from teenage angst and probably environmental/situational. I have since made amends (something an unaware avoidant will never do) and my family is closer to me than ever before. I am also making new friends and widening my circle of friends through colleagues. So yes, I've done all these work. Have you ever acknowledged that avoidants contribute to a major portion of relationship breakdowns in partners, friends and their family? I would rather focus on what is in my own control and that is to look at what led me to stay in relationships that were not a good fit for me and work on addressing those. I have forgiven my ex partners who were avoidant….even the ones that were narcissistic, because it does not help me to hold any grudges…life is really too short. I do wish you well….but I have nothing more to add. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Jul 28, 2021 3:54:14 GMT
I would rather focus on what is in my own control and that is to look at what led me to stay in relationships that were not a good fit for me and work on addressing those. I have forgiven my ex partners who were avoidant….even the ones that were narcissistic, because it does not help me to hold any grudges…life is really too short. I do wish you well….but I have nothing more to add. Yes forgiveness and doing things that is in my control - that is to warn others in the future who come on here, abused and confused by an avoidant, to steer clear quick smart. Thank you for your comments and support to me. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 28, 2021 11:37:35 GMT
I would rather focus on what is in my own control and that is to look at what led me to stay in relationships that were not a good fit for me and work on addressing those. I have forgiven my ex partners who were avoidant….even the ones that were narcissistic, because it does not help me to hold any grudges…life is really too short. I do wish you well….but I have nothing more to add. Yes forgiveness and doing things that is in my control - that is to warn others in the future who come on here, abused and confused by an avoidant, to steer clear quick smart. Thank you for your comments and support to me. I do not support the singular view that those who are attached avoidantly cause the issues in a relationship. I believe that each partner must own his/her role in choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship…which is more then the 5% you are claiming to own. Warning people also does nothing to address a person’s own attachment issues in order to choose better partners. |
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Post by star on Jul 28, 2021 22:52:25 GMT
Although things have gotten heated at times in this thread- I appreciate all the raw feelings and various points of views. I think it helps to see all sides, whether it's from those of us who were hurt by an avoidant as well as those who provide an alternate view. As Frederick Douglass famously said, If there is no struggle, there is no progress. I thank you all for your thoughts.
On another note- I've been thinking a lot about DA/FAs and their emotional capacity. Trying to forgive my last partner by seeing it from the POV that he probably suppressed his emotions from an early age and therefore couldn't access them. is it akin to asking someone who has no taste buds to try to taste? When a DA/FA tries to access their emotions or try for more intimacy, is it more about accessing deeply suppressed emotions or is it more trying to mimic more secure behavior until it feels more comfortable?
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Post by dullboat123 on Jul 28, 2021 23:31:06 GMT
I do not support the singular view that those who are attached avoidantly cause the issues in a relationship. I believe that each partner must own his/her role in choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship…which is more then the 5% you are claiming to own. Warning people also does nothing to address a person’s own attachment issues in order to choose better partners. That's your opinion and I respect that. Thing is no matter what attachment style people are, by the time they come here after being jerked around by an avoidant, confused and devastated, the outcome will be the same - the avoidant had deactivated and there is no chance in hell they will ever come back again. No use trying and trying and trying no matter how convincing the avoidant makes it out to be there there "might" be a chance of reconciliation. No matter what attachment style one is, when tied up with an avoidant, it will never end well. As Jeb said: "Avoidants make poor partners". The only style that can work with an avoidant is an open relationship. However most avoidants are selfish in the sense they don't like sharing. They want their cake and eat it too. So my role is to tell those lost souls to cut their losses and run before it does any further damage. Just like the couple of new people that just joined us. They were subjected to the same string along and flip flopping, causing them a tremendous amount of distress. But somehow you can feel that in their hearts of hearts, they want to reconcile. Its my job to tell them to stop. There really is no hope. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 29, 2021 1:21:28 GMT
I do not support the singular view that those who are attached avoidantly cause the issues in a relationship. I believe that each partner must own his/her role in choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship…which is more then the 5% you are claiming to own. Warning people also does nothing to address a person’s own attachment issues in order to choose better partners. That's your opinion and I respect that. Thing is no matter what attachment style people are, by the time they come here after being jerked around by an avoidant, confused and devastated, the outcome will be the same - the avoidant had deactivated and there is no chance in hell they will ever come back again. No use trying and trying and trying no matter how convincing the avoidant makes it out to be there there "might" be a chance of reconciliation. No matter what attachment style one is, when tied up with an avoidant, it will never end well. As Jeb said: "Avoidants make poor partners". The only style that can work with an avoidant is an open relationship. However most avoidants are selfish in the sense they don't like sharing. They want their cake and eat it too. So my role is to tell those lost souls to cut their losses and run before it does any further damage. Just like the couple of new people that just joined us. They were subjected to the same string along and flip flopping, causing them a tremendous amount of distress. But somehow you can feel that in their hearts of hearts, they want to reconcile. Its my job to tell them to stop. There really is no hope. It really isn’t your role at all….you have decided to make it your role even though this site existed waaaaaaaay before you came here and already active members were doing a fine job of pointing those newcomers to look at their own stuff in order to find a better partner. And the line really should be that all insecurely attached individuals make poor partners because they tend to select other insecure people to try to have a relationship with. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 29, 2021 1:31:42 GMT
Although things have gotten heated at times in this thread- I appreciate all the raw feelings and various points of views. I think it helps to see all sides, whether it's from those of us who were hurt by an avoidant as well as those who provide an alternate view. As Frederick Douglass famously said, If there is no struggle, there is no progress. I thank you all for your thoughts. On another note- I've been thinking a lot about DA/FAs and their emotional capacity. Trying to forgive my last partner by seeing it from the POV that he probably suppressed his emotions from an early age and therefore couldn't access them. is it akin to asking someone who has no taste buds to try to taste? When a DA/FA tries to access their emotions or try for more intimacy, is it more about accessing deeply suppressed emotions or is it more trying to mimic more secure behavior until it feels more comfortable? No…it isn’t that at all….My brother who is FA has a lot of pent up anger and sadness….but he learned at a very early age that expressing his feelings caused our mom to get sad….so to protect her, he would not express them. Consider what that is like…having a parent who makes you feel responsible for her in such a way that you cannot express your true feelings. Also….consider for a moment that APs also avoid intimacy by choosing insecure partners. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 29, 2021 3:10:39 GMT
Agree with tnr9. Think about being punished, either physically or emotionally, for expressing feelings, yet also needing to stay attached to someone who won't let you express yourself because of how it impacts them. That rewires your nervous system and strategy for trying to get your needs met. A DA was neglected in childhood, an FA was scared of unpredictable and possibly chaotic responses. You need different strategies to survive those situations as a child, an age when you still need to rely on adults for food and shelter, etc. You don't just grow out of that as an adult, you carry that conditioning with you. It's far more complicated than going through the motions of acting secure until you can mimic it, though there is often some inability to access your full range of feelings mixed in because it was part of adapting to the childhood situation to make it less painful to endure. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 4, 2021 0:21:17 GMT
What happened to Introvert???
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 4, 2021 2:52:00 GMT
Thats after being gaslighted and thousands spent on therapy thinking its my fault all the time only to have my psychiatrist and therapist both say there is nothing wrong with me. Which no one here is responsible for. And I'm not targetting anyone on here. Stop making everything about you, avoidants. |
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Post by blacksnow2 on Aug 4, 2021 20:04:00 GMT
Which no one here is responsible for. And I'm not targetting anyone on here. Stop making everything about you, avoidants. Projection. Blocked. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 4, 2021 23:51:02 GMT
And I'm not targetting anyone on here. Stop making everything about you, avoidants. Projection. Blocked. Buh bye. |
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Post by doctora on Aug 10, 2021 2:57:20 GMT
Only damaging to the fragile egoistic inner child of an avoidant that takes everything personally and cannot stand an iota of criticism. Which is in line with my avoidant ex. It was extreme walking on eggshells around her. Even my seemingly harmless joke of "Ah your friends are here, you're going to join them instead of studying right?", made her to stonewall me for 3 days even after I apologized profusely. If observations in line with the findings of Jeb Kinnisson himself and branded "generalizations", then we can all brush off scientific data as mere "generalizations" or an inconvenient "coincidence". Alright I saw the weird backlash for this “manipulative joke” and I had to speak up. People, this is completely ridiculous. Have you been in a real relationship? People say stuff to eachother like this, and no, it’s completely unhealthy to stonewall someone for it. It’s not MANIPULATIVE. It’s slightly , SLIGHTLY, passive aggressive, and what really is shocking are the total conclusions you all jump to: what if his ex had to study? What if she herself had complained about all the stress she had because of school? These are just examples. I think these reactions in this forum toward @dullboat are completely bananas. I lived this, people! It seems like you cannot understand how bad it can get because your exes were less avoidant than ours. Soooooo many times did my ex read into something in the worst way possible…..sooo many times was I called controlling or manipulative. It’s wasnt true then and it’s not true now. |
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Post by doctora on Aug 10, 2021 3:01:29 GMT
That is the thing about avoidants that are not being self-aware or simply too narcissistic to go get help. Just like doctora, Simon and myself whom have nothing but the best intentions for our avoidant exes, you have no idea the amount of devastation the avoidants have caused. I have no issues owning my part. I'll apologise and try to correct my behaviours, which I had been doing for the past year when all she did was strung me along, while enjoying the full benefits of being in a relationship while giving back absolutely nothing. Would she own her part then (we already know she won't and blamed it all on me instead) of insulting me and my children, telling lies, pulling away, distancing, keeping secrets, stringing me along, being rude to me and my children, physically assaulting me, hot and cold etc? Trying to downplay their shitty behaviours and the damage they caused feels the same way as being a survivor of the Holocaust and being told it didn't happen. You're a dick for invoking the Holocaust over your shitty little relationship. If you need to be told why, you're also a moron. I am a Jew with family members who perished in the Holocaust, my ex was a Jew - not that it matters - but in my humble opinion, he is not a dick…. He’s trying to draw a parallel - not make it equal in importance. It’s the fact that someone goes through something TRAUMATIC and people around them deny it. |
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