DA/AP long story

dexter

I was going to avoid responding as you've been a bit snarky when I pointed out the lack of respect in this relationship, and that you two aren't compatible.
But, also I see you're in anguish over the boy and her machinations around your relationship with him. I understand and that and I don't think it's a matter of you not having balls, I see it as a genuine pain that has merit and real weight for you. I certainly don't see it as a joking matter.

As I see it, based on my own experience raising kids and having failed relationships with their (diagnosed) difficult father, and then future men that were in our lives while I attempted to grow, and made mistakes with all that....

The boy will have issues due to his mother's relational style. This would be true whether or not it was you in the picture- her issues alone would result in him needing to sort things out as he matures. Yes, there will be pain of broken relationships, there will be very difficult lessons learned, on your part and hers... and the innocent one here is the boy. It's all very painful but the reality is, it isn't hopeless for him to recover even if you "abandon" him. It's impossible, having been involved thus far in a toxic dynamic with her, to escape without damage done but the damage is repairable in him and not in your control. It's a sad, difficult fact that she and her son have a long journey ahead and you've been part of his life that's both helpful and hurtful (because of your own dysfunction with her).

I think that the game playing has to stop on both sides. You seem to still want to find hope with her behaviors, and also seem to be taking a bit of a victim stance but I see that as being true anguish that is AP related in addition to being about the boy- it's not clearly distinct, your AP messiness is showing.

Instead of writhing in pain though you will need to be decisive and that will be accepting that damage has been done now, and further damage to this boy needs to be mitigated with mature, responsible, unselfish action. He will eventually be an adult and in charge of his own recovery and healing from the dysfunction of his childhood. How he processes his relationship with you remains to be seen but is not in your control. I know you feel a grave responsibility here but the situation is chaotic and you can't fix it. All you can do is consider him first, keep boundaries, and recognize it is your own issues dovetailing with hers that got you here.

I have had to take responsibility and grieve concerning my own children, and work with humility and patience to right wrongs where I could, forgive myself enough to move forward and evolve, and demonstrate health and healing for my own children. They are teens and young adults and doing well in regards to their painful childhoods. I am now able to model what I wasn't able to model back then. She has that opportunity, to grow like that- but the dance has to stop and all you can control is your end. You have the chance to grow and heal, so does the boy. But the crap has to stop for that opportunity to ever be realized. Do your part to exit the madness.

I'm sorry you're grieving and having to make these tough choices. I've been there and it's very heavy work.

Yes, I agree with everything you wrote, maybe except his bio father interest in his won child. In fact, his behaviours adds even more turmoil, because we've discovered that he was manipulating his own kid. He now sees him very rarely, once a month for 2 hrs. But probably will again start to act as a good father, when he discovers that she's single again, to reach her back (despite he's married nad has two kids). So it is another unhealthy situation in which this poor kid is used as a tool in adults game.
But that doesn't matter in OUR equation. I am very convinced that being present in their life as she wants me to will be the worst scenario for everyone. I think that putting a child into the center of an avoidant&anxious tornado, with all that emotions, withdraws and than closeness, instability, insecure, fights - will occur in much more damage than being raised by single mother. It is very rationally based conclusion for me. And I won't lie to myself - I don't think we are able to quit those dynamics and stay in touch as friends and coparents. It is impossible. We've tried. There will be always one of us that will pursue intimacy.
You're right that I find hope in her behaviours. There is lot of "what if" thinking. I am out of control of my feelings at the moment. But I can control how do I act and can control my boundaries. And thank you annieb for telling me that keeping boundaries may feel as they are too rigid. It is very accurate. And encouraging.

Thank you. You are such a great community. Very helpful.

P.S. I believe, maybe to soothe myself, reduce guilt and/or raise my self-esteem, that I've had a lot of good impact in his life. I've gave him plenty of love and introduced him into man's life. Showed him a glimpse of masculine power, encouraged to start to exploring the world, learnt him to swim, bike-riding, etc.

dexter, As to your postscript message above- I absolutely believe that you've contributed positively to this young boy's life. We can and should look at these things not in terms of black and white, all good or all bad. And, your intention here was for the good of him, I've no doubt. Also, your intention was for the good of you and her, the relationship- it was, none of it, ill intended. Misguided, I would say, and unaware, and some other things that go along with being imperfect and as of yet, not quite whole, not secure enough to make what you hoped for, into reality.
You have half of that to bear but bear it with some compassion for all of you.
I think it's very easy to feed the sentimental piranhas that can eat you alive, so be careful not to let all of what I said feed those fish. This is just about seeing yourself in a compassionate, realistic way acknowledging the good in you and acknowledging also where change must occur for you and everyone else to move on. In this case letting go appears to be the most healthy option. But as I've mentioned earlier, don't predict all doom and gloom for everyone- pain will be had by all that's certain but healing, recovery and growth is an option in the long term as well. Your only focus must be on correcting your own errors, missteps, and unhealthy behaviors, continuing to seek support for your unresolved issues, etc.

It's just a process to go through it all, and it's really tough right now but it does get more manageable if you follow the path you're choosing. I've been there with children, my own, I know. You have to commit to your own growth to save/spare them, that's the truth.

Sorry to hear that you are struggeling.
I can see that you are choosing to spend Christmas alone.

In case you are changing your mind, I got this awesome tip from my shadow teascher in 2018. Maybe you will find it usefull too ?

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1590/advises-family-gatherings-creating

dexter, there is no reconciliation and DTR right now. There's no point. She's switched into the more manipulative role because that's what happens in FA/FA pairings. You change and swap who is more anxious and who is more avoidant and distant over and over. She's keeping you around but still at a distance because that's what's safe for getting her needs met. It's not hope for more... it's simply this continued. If you want to try to reconcile, you do need a period of no contact for at least 3-6 months+ to see if she makes any headway in her own therapy. I think you are making headway and she probably won't, and things will continue not to work past where they are now.

Her boundaries are horrendous to not tell her son you broke up btw. She doesn't give him any preparation and then (from his perspective) you're just not there for Christmas. How is that fair treatment of him??? And it disrespects the relationship you have with her son entirely as he will be hurt and direct it at you. This is not someone who knows how to look out for those she cares about.

If there is a way to go strict no contact with her for a while but are still accessible to her son without her meddling, I highly recommend it. Though it's possible her son won't want to talk to you for a while once he hears you broke up...

You two have decided to go separate ways. I view it as absolutely a manipulation and selfish maneuver to say she has questions about the book.  

A well boundaried response, and one that isn't playing mind games, would be to tell her to explore attachment theory with her therapist instead of with you.  

At some point you have to rely on yourself to keep you safe and well.  Relying on unhealthy people to protect you or look after your well being is more of the same dysfunction.  Time to try something new, and take care of yourself.  Be fair to you, because she won't.  Respect yourself, because she won't.  You're hoping for blood from a turnip at this point.  She's not healthy enough to not operate with purely selfish intentions, clearly.  It's really rather sickening to see how she plays you. I know you're hurting badly because of it.  I just hope you will find the strength to remove yourself from her dysfunction.