dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 9, 2021 14:36:37 GMT
You're so accurate. Yes, probably it is still anxious/avoidant dance. She proposed a lunch at restaurant. We spoke for over an hour. It was mainly a casual talk, I was waiting for some more serious talk about what she texted me. So I asked. My question was "so how you think we could fix things to make that relationship work"? She...didn't answered straight. Like she couldn't. All she said that sometimes she didn't appreciated my love and how good I was for her. That she was sometimes too annoyed at things that doesn't matter at all, and that she missed a bigger picture. No concrete things as I've expected. Well, I've put it straight and told her that I am afraid, but I would give it another shot but only if she will fully commit to relationship and mutual growth. She replied that she don't know if she is longing for me because it was me or she is feeling lonely. My answer was that I think that in such situation people should be alone to the point where they feel good with themselves, and then decide - and I really believe it is good and that was always my way of recovering from break ups. She had tears in her eyes and freezed, so I've changed topic to casual talk.
Maybe it was too much of a demand for her. Maybe it wasn't the right moment. Maybe I should take a slower pace and have few talks with her about our issues and relationship first, mixed with casual talks which brings some fresh air and coolness for her. She seemed to be ready for that.
But I couldn't. That is where I stand now. I am afraid that we will start to meet again, spend christmas, made some talks and land exactly where we have been few months ago. Non-commited, non-labelled, strange family-like situationship with rollercoaster still going on.
And on this last meeting I felt in my guts that she was less eager to talk about us and commit, because for the first time since month I reciprocated, willing to talk about reconciliation.
I still do not act and feel like secure, but my anxiety doesn't overwhelm me. I get what I've expected.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2021 14:55:47 GMT
You're so accurate. Yes, probably it is still anxious/avoidant dance. She proposed a lunch at restaurant. We spoke for over an hour. It was mainly a casual talk, I was waiting for some more serious talk about what she texted me. So I asked. My question was "so how you think we could fix things to make that relationship work"? She...didn't answered straight. Like she couldn't. All she said that sometimes she didn't appreciated my love and how good I was for her. That she was sometimes too annoyed at things that doesn't matter at all, and that she missed a bigger picture. No concrete things as I've expected. Well, I've put it straight and told her that I am afraid, but I would give it another shot but only if she will fully commit to relationship and mutual growth. She replied that she don't know if she is longing for me because it was me or she is feeling lonely. My answer was that I think that in such situation people should be alone to the point where they feel good with themselves, and then decide - and I really believe it is good and that was always my way of recovering from break ups. She had tears in her eyes and freezed, so I've changed topic to casual talk. Maybe it was too much of a demand for her. Maybe it wasn't the right moment. Maybe I should take a slower pace and have few talks with her about our issues and relationship first, mixed with casual talks which brings some fresh air and coolness for her. She seemed to be ready for that. But I couldn't. That is where I stand now. I am afraid that we will start to meet again, spend christmas, made some talks and land exactly where we have been few months ago. Non-commited, non-labelled, strange family-like situationship with rollercoaster still going on. And on this last meeting I felt in my guts that she was less eager to talk about us and commit, because for the first time since month I reciprocated, willing to talk about reconciliation. I still do not act and feel like secure, but my anxiety doesn't overwhelm me. I get what I've expected. Wow, she seems to have zero awareness and it amounts to a stunning lack of maturity when it comes to conducting a relationship that has so deeply impacted her son. She also seems all about her own comfort without the capacity to consider your well being. Some people really want it their way, don't they. As is typical of dynamics like these, she blows hot and cold and lukewarm to keep things in her control and her comfort zone, and to keep you where she wants you. Nat Lue describes this behavior a lot on her site Baggage Reclaim and I can't say it any better that she, she's nailed it. I'm glad you're feeling more grounded, I'm sure it hurts but you have more awareness than she and the rose colored glasses seem to have slipped a bit which is beneficial for your growth ultimately. She's as flakey as can be. The more you know your own limits and hold to them the closer you will be to breaking this cycle with her. Hang in there. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 9, 2021 16:23:47 GMT
I agree with @introvert, and I think you're going in with your eyes wide open about what to expect. Another cycle of situationship that will be painful. But sometimes we have to go through those until we are in enough pain to learn the lesson finally and move on. Based on what you said, and my own experiences reconciling with an ambivalent FA plus me myself moving from an insecure to a secure mindset, I can tell you this. Someone who has difficulty communicating in the ways she experienced, who does not lead the reconciliation conversation when you actually have it face to face, who does not show strict actions aligning with words, who is inconsistent on follow through, and who still expresses doubt (she's not sure if it's about you or her loneliness) is not ready to deal with real reconciliation. Only fantasy and spinning back through their cycle. It's extremely different when someone wants to change as a partner and actually does it. My ex never got out of the mindset she's in, and I did, so I can tell you with complete certainty that it's a whole different ballgame when someone is serious about showing up. And it starts with themselves and working through their communication and ambivalence. She's not there. She's not even on her way there yet. Continue to keep your eyes open and really think about what you want and why you'd be willing to try again before she's ready.
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 9, 2021 16:56:26 GMT
That is so dissapointing and sad to see her not by her potential (which is in fact a fantasy) but through her real actions and behavior. She even doesn't seem to understand why what she said was a dealbreaker to me and texted me about it. I even don't think I need to explain.
I must say something about her therapy. I was bashed here two months ago for critizing her therapist. I've never told that to her and never will, but I am very certain about it. I think that a therapist that dismiss attachment theory as useful in therapy (probably because she is not familiar with it) can do more harm to avoidant than help him. Her therapist even told her two months ago that I am manipulating her trying to convince her that she has attachment issues. She clearly said that fear of intimacy is not an issue (because she had no fear of it in relationship with...unavailable married guy which she fought for; and my ex used that argument when she was resisting couple therapy). Her deactivations, doubts and occasional annoyance are because she is just not into me. And her only problem is that she is afraid to be alone and has problem of setting proper boundaries. Even yesterday she was convincing my ex that her longing for me is just because she's feeling lonely. I think that she keeps to that therapist for over two years because she is validating her behaviors.
When we were at couples therapy it was soooo different - almost instantly therapist adressed our avoidant/anxious dance, her fear of intimacy, her deactivation strategies and my protest behaviors.
I think that we here in Europe are far behind US in terms of att theory popularization among professionals. What I found mostly are publications about Bowlby theories regarding childhood, but little to none publications about childhood attachment influence in adult relationships.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2021 17:36:20 GMT
That is so dissapointing and sad to see her not by her potential (which is in fact a fantasy) but through her real actions and behavior. She even doesn't seem to understand why what she said was a dealbreaker to me and texted me about it. I even don't think I need to explain. I must say something about her therapy. I was bashed here two months ago for critizing her therapist. I've never told that to her and never will, but I am very certain about it. I think that a therapist that dismiss attachment theory as useful in therapy (probably because she is not familiar with it) can do more harm to avoidant than help him. Her therapist even told her two months ago that I am manipulating her trying to convince her that she has attachment issues. She clearly said that fear of intimacy is not an issue (because she had no fear of it in relationship with...unavailable married guy which she fought for; and my ex used that argument when she was resisting couple therapy). Her deactivations, doubts and occasional annoyance are because she is just not into me. And her only problem is that she is afraid to be alone and has problem of setting proper boundaries. Even yesterday she was convincing my ex that her longing for me is just because she's feeling lonely. I think that she keeps to that therapist for over two years because she is validating her behaviors. When we were at couples therapy it was soooo different - almost instantly therapist adressed our avoidant/anxious dance, her fear of intimacy, her deactivation strategies and my protest behaviors. I think that we here in Europe are far behind US in terms of att theory popularization among professionals. What I found mostly are publications about Bowlby theories regarding childhood, but little to none publications about childhood attachment influence in adult relationships. Never ever chase potential. You have got to have a firm foundation in reality. If you read back, the question of her being dependent on you when it comes to raising her son, and the fact that her therapist recognized it as a key factor in her being unable to leave the relationship, still seems to be a very valid concern. Your own recent posts describe her anguish over this, and the push pull cycle continues about her son. She pulls you in for him, pushes you away again because she's not sure she wants you but may just be lonely. (gross- after all this she doesn't know is she wants you for you. ) He needs you! She doesn't, not for any length of time anyway, because it's CONDITIONAL... it's crazymaking and revolves around dependence which is what I understood her therapist to be saying. If she were independent around her parenting, she'd have better boundaries and the scenes around the boy wouldn't be happening. So, I still agree with what her therapist says about her reaction to you (she can't touch you after an argument? That isn't about you it's about her. But her therapist nailed it when she said this is a bad fit.) ... being an indicator that you are not the right partner for her, and that you've tried to manipulate the relationship to suit your own attachment needs. (Strong pursuit in spite of consistently recurring rejection is a result of AP triggering and control). There clearly is no right partner for her in this state- but for sure it isn't you. I'm kind of astonished that so many instances of rejection result in your continued pursuit of her. But that's the AP achilles heel. If my "partner" said point blank they don't know if they actually want to be with ME or if they are just lonely (read: you'll scratch my itch but you aren't precious to me) I'd be turned off. It's devaluing and disrespectful and demeaning, isn't it? You fill a role and she's not sure she's into you. Who says that right after crying about reconciliation? Not the partner for you, to be sure. This is all based in fantasy and insecure dynamics, not something you need to be flogged for. It's just that the two of you are in a toxic, dependent, insecure entanglement. As for anything else her therapist said about her availability for intimacy, I don't recall commenting about that. What I've commented on I still see the same way but I don't think you and I are really connecting about what I mean and what I don't mean. So, it may be again that our differing perspectives on the therapist issue render my feedback unhelpful, and that I understand. I do wish you the best, and you seem to be really making progress on your path toward secure and toward awareness. Keep going!  |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 9, 2021 20:40:36 GMT
I can (strongly) agree that I've pushed her (and my own) boundaries pursuing her, regardless of rejections. I know it's probably APish, but I feel resistant when I read "she reaches you because of her insecure parenting". It's APish, because I would like to be sure that she loved me. I want to be loved by the person that I've invested so much emotionally. It's a self esteem thing. She didn't faked affection and chemistry, she can't. Because I saw when she tried when she was deactivating. She is a very bad actor. During that three years I felt lot of love and affection for months. She was great and this, with a combination of intermittent reinforcement  makes it so hard to forget. And yeah, we had so much in common in terms of everyday life, values and all that matters - what she mentioned today when "praising me" (dunno really what for). |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2021 21:03:41 GMT
I can (strongly) agree that I've pushed her (and my own) boundaries pursuing her, regardless of rejections. I know it's probably APish, but I feel resistant when I read "she reaches you because of her insecure parenting". It's APish, because I would like to be sure that she loved me. I want to be loved by the person that I've invested so much emotionally. It's a self esteem thing. She didn't faked affection and chemistry, she can't. Because I saw when she tried when she was deactivating. She is a very bad actor. During that three years I felt lot of love and affection for months. She was great and this, with a combination of intermittent reinforcement makes it so hard to forget. And yeah, we had so much in common in terms of everyday life, values and all that matters - what she mentioned today when "praising me" (dunno really what for). I don't think it's a matter of emotions, whether or not she "loves" you. I get that it would be validating (or would it? it's really another rabbit hole to go down- if she loves me we can make it work!). Three (I think?) years of all of this and you're at square one AGAIN, she's not even sure she wants to be with you. So- it's all confusing emotionally but the real question is not if she has affection and chemistry and blah blah blah.... look what she does with it. Mature love moves beyond this and so as of yet she's displaying immature, insecure attachment for all practical purposes. For emotional purposes, if she loves you then so far that has netted you not much in the way of something to believe in. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 9, 2021 22:39:57 GMT
I don't think it's a matter of emotions, whether or not she "loves" you. This took me a very long time to understand. And I remember the first friend who said something to me about this concept (when my FA ex and I were reconciling and he was ambivalent in words and my friend told me it didn't actually matter if the ex "loved" me and it blew my mind and I could barely wrap my head around it!). The friend was someone I trusted about this because he'd been in a very stable marriage for 10 years already at that point, and still is. This isn't about love, the feeling. She can absolutely love you and still have no idea how to show up for a healthy relationship, or for the relationship you want. This is about the choice to show up in an agreed upon way of commitment. I'm sure she loves you to the best of her ability and capacity. That doesn't mean she can be a good partner or commit, no matter how much she loves you. Especially if she doesn't know how to love herself first. Whether or not they sound cliche, "love isn't always enough" and "you need to love yourself before you can love another person," they're actually true. Keep that in the back of your head as you go through this process, dexter, because the further along I got the more thinking about mature love this way made sense. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2021 23:05:48 GMT
I don't think it's a matter of emotions, whether or not she "loves" you. This took me a very long time to understand. And I remember the first friend who said something to me about this concept (when my FA ex and I were reconciling and he was ambivalent in words and my friend told me it didn't actually matter if the ex "loved" me and it blew my mind and I could barely wrap my head around it!). The friend was someone I trusted about this because he'd been in a very stable marriage for 10 years already at that point, and still is. This isn't about love, the feeling. She can absolutely love you and still have no idea how to show up for a healthy relationship, or for the relationship you want. This is about the choice to show up in an agreed upon way of commitment. I'm sure she loves you to the best of her ability and capacity. That doesn't mean she can be a good partner or commit, no matter how much she loves you. Especially if she doesn't know how to love herself first. Whether or not they sound cliche, "love isn't always enough" and "you need to love yourself before you can love another person," they're actually true. Keep that in the back of your head as you go through this process, dexter , because the further along I got the more thinking about mature love this way made sense. Right, agreed. Mature love does transcend feeling states, not that feelings don't matter and aren't a factor but a secure relationship is not conditioned on temporary and fluctuating feeling states. An awareness of the nature of feelings and how to deal with them in a healthy way goes a long way toward building a healthy capacity for commitment actually. But to make feelings the basis for commitment as she is doing is immature. If she is feeling it, she's all in. If she's not feeling it, she's all out. Anyone with a background of insecure attachment is going to have to learn to navigate those feelings without letting them be the be-all-end-all. There is a good deal of other-awareness in mature love that should be balancing the emotions. A concern for the well being of the other is a powerful influence over selfish emotions. I still go through "deactivations" and I don't allow them to tarnish the relationship. I have lived long enough with awareness of insecure attachment in myself to consciously choose responsibility to the relationship, commitment, and resilience. And the net result is a very rewarding relationship that can withstand emotional fluctuations. There is no fairy tale relationship, a relationship worth having means overcoming anything within ourselves that creates an obstacle, and if she isn't making headway on that after three years of push pull, then certainly she just isn't there and you will continue to get what you can expect- the same old same old. It takes dedication to overcome this stuff, but she seems to just play the "we can do it!" card when it suits. Real relationships require sustained effort and she really doesn't appear to have the motivation within herself to take that on. But she sure wants someone to make her feel better about it. She really does need to grow up a bit in my opinion, the entitlement to your emotions when it suits her and then withdrawing regardless of your emotions is crazy making and selfish behavior. I see it in school age children. I don't see how it's much different from playground antics. We can say that about bunch of insecure behaviors and there are reasons for all of it but it is far from appealing once you move past it... it's just kid stuff. With devastating consequences. |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 10, 2021 10:21:26 GMT
I can (strongly) agree that I've pushed her (and my own) boundaries pursuing her, regardless of rejections. I know it's probably APish, but I feel resistant when I read "she reaches you because of her insecure parenting". It's APish, because I would like to be sure that she loved me. I want to be loved by the person that I've invested so much emotionally. It's a self esteem thing. She didn't faked affection and chemistry, she can't. Because I saw when she tried when she was deactivating. She is a very bad actor. During that three years I felt lot of love and affection for months. She was great and this, with a combination of intermittent reinforcement makes it so hard to forget. And yeah, we had so much in common in terms of everyday life, values and all that matters - what she mentioned today when "praising me" (dunno really what for). I don't think it's a matter of emotions, whether or not she "loves" you. I get that it would be validating (or would it? it's really another rabbit hole to go down- if she loves me we can make it work!). Three (I think?) years of all of this and you're at square one AGAIN, she's not even sure she wants to be with you. So- it's all confusing emotionally but the real question is not if she has affection and chemistry and blah blah blah.... look what she does with it. Mature love moves beyond this and so as of yet she's displaying immature, insecure attachment for all practical purposes. For emotional purposes, if she loves you then so far that has netted you not much in the way of something to believe in.
I totally get it. That is why I am here. In the past I would dig that rabbit hole again and again, being in love of potential she presented during honeymoons and cherishing my "family" (which was a part of my meaning of life). Today, her uncertainity is a dealbreaker for me. I see no point to comply to her comfort zone, which means "let's get back to family-like situationship and maybe it will resolve itself, somehow".
If she is feeling it, she's all in. If she's not feeling it, she's all out. Yes! These are her exact words and she "needs to feel it all the time with every cellar in her body to be sure and commit".
I was thinking about her codependency. You (and her therapist) may be right. As far as I know, FA's tends to have huge issues with self trust. She has. In terms of her work (and she is a great doctor), her parental role, her life and of course her emotions. She's a perfectionist and very prone to any criticism (even very light, like usual discussion around raising child). She pit me very fast on pedestal, like I was some kind of an authority, even a mentor. It felt quite heavy for me, because I am just a human and can be wrong and make mistakes. Now I think she wanted to feel safe because of her mistrust for herself. When her coloured glasses fall off, which was inevitable, she get mad for my imperfectionism or faults like braking a faucet when trying to fix it. She vocalized that she feels unsafe with me. On the other hand, yesterday she said how safe she felt, because I was so caring and dependable.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2021 16:34:05 GMT
I don't think it's a matter of emotions, whether or not she "loves" you. I get that it would be validating (or would it? it's really another rabbit hole to go down- if she loves me we can make it work!). Three (I think?) years of all of this and you're at square one AGAIN, she's not even sure she wants to be with you. So- it's all confusing emotionally but the real question is not if she has affection and chemistry and blah blah blah.... look what she does with it. Mature love moves beyond this and so as of yet she's displaying immature, insecure attachment for all practical purposes. For emotional purposes, if she loves you then so far that has netted you not much in the way of something to believe in.
I totally get it. That is why I am here. In the past I would dig that rabbit hole again and again, being in love of potential she presented during honeymoons and cherishing my "family" (which was a part of my meaning of life). Today, her uncertainity is a dealbreaker for me. I see no point to comply to her comfort zone, which means "let's get back to family-like situationship and maybe it will resolve itself, somehow".
If she is feeling it, she's all in. If she's not feeling it, she's all out. Yes! These are her exact words and she "needs to feel it all the time with every cellar in her body to be sure and commit".
I was thinking about her codependency. You (and her therapist) may be right. As far as I know, FA's tends to have huge issues with self trust. She has. In terms of her work (and she is a great doctor), her parental role, her life and of course her emotions. She's a perfectionist and very prone to any criticism (even very light, like usual discussion around raising child). She pit me very fast on pedestal, like I was some kind of an authority, even a mentor. It felt quite heavy for me, because I am just a human and can be wrong and make mistakes. Now I think she wanted to feel safe because of her mistrust for herself. When her coloured glasses fall off, which was inevitable, she get mad for my imperfectionism or faults like braking a faucet when trying to fix it. She vocalized that she feels unsafe with me. On the other hand, yesterday she said how safe she felt, because I was so caring and dependable.
Dexter, I think you sound like a good partner, AP issues aside. Of course, a more secure partner would be healing for you and bring out your best instead of your worst (true for all of us). Your continued self-awareness and practicing healthier ways of relating with yourself and your partner will get you the relationship you crave. Don't worry, you CAN have that with someone else. You will move on eventually. Don't put it off, but go at your pace and the choices and actions you must take will come naturally. You will be done. That might sound painful but what is more painful than this? While it's true that a mature relationship takes work, it offers all we need to be our happiest, healthiest, most balanced selves. It's worth sacrificing for, and I mean sacrificing your current ideas that keep you away from what you are seeking. Imagine, feeling loved in your imperfection, with your mistakes, even with your AP moods. Imagine a woman who is loyal and strong, not dependent, with her own beautiful center that she resides in, able to give freely of herself because she is whole and not looking for a fantasy to rescue her. That will replace your current notion of what is sexy, for sure. Imagine you yourself being that calm, masculine man who also gives from his own abundance, able to withstand difficulty with your woman because the two of you have made a commitment that no matter what, you will continue to grow together to take good care of each other, yourselves, and your family. I believe that's who you are at your core, and you're being rejected and trying to play that role with someone who doesn't appreciate it. Do you know how valuable a a strong family man is to a healthy mother? How can this beautiful trait of yours be dismissed? But it is, over and over again. The relationship you want is not a fantasy, with two healthy partners. The fantasy is thinking you will get it from a partner who has demonstrated all the opposite. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2021 17:14:11 GMT
dexterI want to be clear that I am not here to bash her. Goodness knows that my past partners could compile a legitimate list of complaints and criticisms about me, pre-awareness. Again, true of any of us. But I am countering this idealized, fantastic notion you have had of her, and the potentials for your relationship. I know you recognize that as fantasy, it's dawning on you. But don't give up hope for the true potentials you can find with different standards based in reality. In the future, deliver and expect better. Yes, have a standard of someone demonstrating the traits you admire and look for and are able to offer. Write out what those traits are and what they mean to you. And make that your standard. Someone who is stable and loyal and emotionally mature will not need to demonstrate perfection in order to have your trust, and the same is true in reverse. You don't have to be perfect to build trust with an emotionally available person. You won't try to build commitment with an unavailable woman when you are truly free from your own unavailable, unrealistic thinking. Everything changes when you begin to trust yourself, and you are beginning to see that. You've become clear on some boundaries and it feels worse to violate them than to relax them for dysfunctional shenanigans. That's learning to trust yourself to know what you want and need, and what you need to do to stay emotionally healthy and safe. You're in the beginning stages but this seed has everything in it that it needs to grow- all you need to do is keep watering it. Believe that- I think others here who have completed the passage from AP toward secure can second that, is it true alexandra?
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Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2021 21:28:38 GMT
It makes a huge difference when you can trust yourself, especially for the anxious side of the attachment spectrum (since not trusting yourself is the core source of the abandonment fears). But it does take a lot of time and practice to recondition, and it should be done concurrently with facing your own narrative and past trauma that got you here so that you're both growing in trust and healing as you improve your own capability and capacity to emotionally process things in a more healthy way (which comes with the improvements in trust). So it's still all a system that works together with the outcome being better able to choose healthier partners and being better equipped for healthier relationships. Understanding everything introvert is saying is important, and recognizing it may help keep you focused on the core part, which is you and how you feel about all this and the kind of partnership you deserve.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2021 21:47:54 GMT
It makes a huge difference when you can trust yourself, especially for the anxious side of the attachment spectrum (since not trusting yourself is the core source of the abandonment fears). But it does take a lot of time and practice to recondition, and it should be done concurrently with facing your own narrative and past trauma that got you here so that you're both growing in trust and healing as you improve your own capability and capacity to emotionally process things in a more healthy way (which comes with the improvements in trust). So it's still all a system that works together with the outcome being better able to choose healthier partners and being better equipped for healthier relationships. Understanding everything introvert is saying is important, and recognizing it may help keep you focused on the core part, which is you and how you feel about all this and the kind of partnership you deserve. Yes, and what I mean also is that the process seems to take on a life of its own as well, as if once you taste a new way of regarding yourself and others it's pretty hard to go back. Whic does not make it a linear process, because it is so complex and so many layers. My role in relationships led me to increasingly worse partnerships over time until the direction shifted toward me being more available and therefore more discerning.... so while I still wrestled with unavailable people I recognized patterns and chose out of them more and more, little by little. Also, interesting to note that my struggle when triggered still is to fall into mistrust that is convinced that I do not matter to others, and my inner rallying cry is that I trust and matter to myself. So the direction of growth is somewhat opposite, allowing myself to trust the care and intentions of others. I notice this even in non-romantic situations, and I am so prone to letting go of people with a conviction that I'm not even really on their radar. I just keep showing up and am struck by the difference between the reality of them and how they show up for me, and the negative narrative that comes unbidden into my mind when I'm by myself. It's pervasive, but holds far less power over me than previously. Now I sort of just walk through it acting as if I'm not avoidant by nature and I learn more and more every day. I think I will always be a work in progress but I am far less isolated and alone than I have ever been and it really feels great. |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 11, 2021 14:09:37 GMT
Introvert, thank you for your kind words. But I don't know if I have a potential to be a good partner. Who am I? I am scared that I was so invested, caring and dependable because I needed to pursue. Why? Because in my past relationships with AP and SA I was acting different. After initial period of relationship I deactivated and was stable in my deactivation. I neglected my partners needs, picking their flaws as dealbreakers, doubt my feelings. It was my first relationship in which I was so commited and invested into, even that my first LTR (where we engaged) was kind of secure and very balanced emotionally. In the margin, I can see now how, after 4 years of stable relationship I've acted AP when she started her first job practice and was totally into it, so I felt like she abandoned me. I remember that I used so many protest behaviors and was so terrible, that she in fact abandoned me emotionally and then she did monkey branching. So I am trying to discover myself and my motivations. The fact is that family-life was very satisfying itself, it gave me fine addition to my meaning and purpose of life. I felt good running house, cooking together and raising a kid. And yes, relationship with this kid was really genuine, something special, stable and healthy. Being a dad can be one of greatest role for a man in his life. But I could have the same with at least three girls from my past. And they were invested in me. But I didn't want to. And all of them are now in happy marriages and kids.
I've made a step back in my healing, but I stopped to blame myself, because I recognize this as a journey, and moving back can be a lesson as well. Yes, I will take my own pace.
After that meeting with my ex at Thursday I had that feeling that she was pulling away, because I showed up as open to negotiations and serious talks about reconciliation. She ceased communication, stopped being vulnerable and open. So I anxiously pushed today, showing my vulnerability and looking for reasurrance of her feeling she communicated just few days ago, because I felt "thrown away". I get no response, so there is even more anxiety. I feel that she is so selfish, because in the last few weeks, when she showed up with vulnerability and poor mental state, I always reasurred her that I care, text her back or have a talk. I strongly suspected that she soothed her anxiety, recharge her batteries with my recent availability, and sailed away happily.
Alexandra and Introvert, your posts are a reminders to me. I read them when I am abandoning myself, when I know I need to get back on the track, or at least somewhere near it. It helps me when my sick mind is trying to lie me, sabotage myself. Days like these are a struggle and I now there will be more to come.
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makes it so hard to forget. And yeah, we had so much in common in terms of everyday life, values and all that matters - what she mentioned today when "praising me" (dunno really what for).