Dating stage as an FA

Thanks @introverttemporary . You are right, we all think we are the exception to the rule. It just feels like this has to be solvable. We have solved so many other issues and understand each other so much better on so many levels now. He called me his best friend. Yet this is our core issue. He keeps feeling I am wanting something from him, that he can't give me. But won't communicate what that is.

I keep thinking If I just found a stable distance that I can maintain, but then it feels like he pulls me closer, and we get into this same cycle.

So my brain thinks "If I can just figure out what it is I am projecting that I can stop projecting that". Because I do truly believe he is picking up on something, I am just not sure what. I would draw the line at friends but I know us enough to know that would never last unless I have iron clad boundaries and realistically I am not there yet.

I've gone back and re-read what alexandra has posted about how even when you show up secure an FA is going to behave like an FA unless they are really truly working on themselves. so I guess turning it back on myself, why can't I ask for space? I feel confused and I know that is what I need from this situation. I wish I knew that one day I could get into a relationship I won't overthink, but that seems impossible.

I have learned SO much through this experience, it is truly amazing. 

So I deleted my dating apps. I went on a few really bad dates and then I ghosted someone which is 100% not in line with my values. I do not have the mental energy to even do my job right now, let alone date. My counselling has ended for now, since it was meant to be done as a series. I've talked to my doctor a few times about meds and while the SSRIs make me less gloomy, there are so many side effects. I'm at a bit of a loss. Going to try some somatic experiencing therapy next.

Mr. AP stayed in my life, which brings me a lot of shame because part of me feels I could do "better" and I know part of my attachment to him is my messed up relationship to my mother. But it is nice to have someone who seems to want to show up for me. Though I am also struggling with asking. It feels like too much, but every time I ask him to meet a need, he does. Awhile back I challenged myself to really give up control of him and the situation and just focus on my side of things. He came closer and closer, he really showed me through his actions that he wanted me in his life. Recently told me I make him feel safe and he loves me. Something about that really touches a spot deep inside of me, that I can offer someone safety. At the same time he is still depressed and I guess I use that as a distraction from my own depression. I am definitely struggling with trust though, and part of me is resentful and wondering where is MY safety?! FA relationships don't just somehow magically stabilize and the beginning was so bad, so I don't understand what changed enough for him to start talking about us living together. I know I have wounding around not being picked/chosen by people, so I keep looking for signs is he running towards me or is he running away from other things.

Totally didn't expect this tonight. AP invited me to do a couple's question app with me. It has different categories and you can answer from strongly disagree, neutral to strongly agree. You can't see the others answers until you answer. He wasn't overly negative but a few of the ones he answered, he feels he is walking on eggshells with me and that I compare the relationship to previous ones upset me. He also took issues with things in the bedroom yet he said he is happy with our communication overall. Some of his answers seem to contradict themselves. Walking on eggshells is the opposite of being able to communicate to me.

I get the point of the app is to uncover things like this but I already feel we struggle with communication and this just highlights it. I just feel so triggered and like what is the point of continuing things? It's rare for me to get triggered avoidant but I very much feel like that is what this is. This urge to just run away.

Part of me is saying that I should be happy that I have someone who actually wants to work on and improve things with me, since that is what I wanted all along. It's just been such a struggle to get to this point. I also haven't seen him in 2.5 weeks so I guess I'm feeling a bit numb about our connection overall.

Thanks for the reminders. Everything you said makes perfect sense. After reading your post I thought back to my marriage where it felt like we were great communicators, we thought we could talk about anything. But after all the therapy and books I realized how much was being left out. I guess for him he just doesn't realize how much is being left out and could be brought out into the open.

I also find myself struggling a bit with a phantom ex now. We were never on bad terms, there was no giant falling out and we both have a lot of love for each other. So it's hard. He didn't always treat me well, but he knew me from 16 to now and I think when you grow up with someone it's a different type of closeness. We also have super similar values, hobbies and tastes in things. I'm trying to remember that we tried for 17 years and have both moved on but I miss my best friend.

I think I might have this fantasy from modern media that you leave a "bad" relationship and then you meet someone far more suited to you and you can't believe how perfect this person is for you... But maybe you just meet someone different.

I actually hate rom coms because they are so unrealistic but I think all our media even novels are filled with that same narrative.

I feel like I have whiplash tonight.

He came back from vacation a few weeks ago and was cold. So cold. I tried to ask him about it but there was more and more stonewalling. Then a friend died and he told me how amazing and perfect she was and how no one else is. I tried to say he had lots of amazing friends and he said no. Then went on to say I do nothing with my life. I got upset and ended up crying and told him how insecure that made me feel. I asked for a hug and he refused. He said that his actions already should show that he cares about me and nothing he says or does is going to make me feel more secure.

Then things seemed to be better for a few days but then went back to degrading slowly. We've had Christmas plans for months but it was pulling teeth to get him to commit to any dates and he was picking fights left and right. Stonewalling whenever I tried to be assertive. We finally nailed it down and then the next day he told me he didn't make the reservation and was just going to go on his own during the day while I was at work.... No mention of me or anything else. Finally a few hours later he changed his mind and I ended up making the reservations (now wonder if that was him being purposely manipulative because they are expensive).

He kept having terrible things happen so I've tried to be patient but it came to a head the last two nights. He called me to hang out last night and it got late so I said I was going soon as I wasn't feeling well. He snapped at me to get the f out then because he wanted to go out and I ruined it. He then went to his phone and started to text people.
I asked for my house key because I needed a spare to give the pet sitter and he threw his keys at me and said he never wanted it.


I took my key and left. While driving home he left me a nasty vm saying I was fing up his week. Then another text that I didn't care. I ignored them all.

This morning I confirmed we were still getting on the ferry I had paid for and we needed to leave at x time but he wasn't even home or packed when I arrived. We got there late and then the ferry was late. He got so mad and said he wanted to go home. He was just seething with anger. I just focused on myself and that I'm not responsible for his anger.

Once we finally boarded he told me he is all alone and has no one. When I said well you have me he said no. He doesn't. We have never connected. Friend who died was the only one who got him. I asked why he ever said he loved me and he changed the topic.

So now I'm stuck on an island with someone who seems to hate me and the morning sailings have all been cancelled.

Edit : this feels like it goes far beyond attachment. That level of splitting on me just feels disordered.

How dreadful. Have you thought about telling this grossly unsuitable person that If he doesn’t like it, he should go. Then at least you get to enjoy some time away. He obviously can’t say no, then in this case has shifted all responsibility for his happiness into you. I remember making more than one trip so miserable for my first wife doing the adult equivalent of stamping my feet and throwing myself on the floor. Pathetic really, but that’s where I was at the time. You don’t have to play this game. You can step out anytime you want.