I guess what I don't entirely understand is, "this has triggered my "you are too much / not enough" wounding." He is textbook FA and has always acted that way. Dating anyone FA is going to trigger this because that's the exact mirror of them: come here, go away. He's saying he can't meet your needs and you feel like you're not allowed to have needs because it's true... but NOT because of anything you've done except choose an FA partner. FA can't meet anyone's needs including their own, and they fear engulfment so you can't really ask for anything either without triggering them. I feel like I'm not telling you anything you don't already know though, but for some reason you've got a blind spot for your dynamic with him. I suppose it's because he's an attachment figure so you want to maintain the connection, but there's not much you're going to be able to do to stop him from triggering you or get him to fulfill you because your wounds mutually fit together in this way. So you're going to keep disregulating each other, which leads to feeling like you can't properly understand each other because of the communication difficulties that happen between two triggered people.
It's almost as if you can't see the forest for the trees. It's like saying "This is a really insecure, toxic and emotionally draining dynamic but I'm going to keep ruminating, doing the dance, and trying to make it what I want it to be although I have no idea what I really want it to be. I wish he would be different. Maybe I'll say something and assert some boundaries even though we've been circling around the same issues for a long time now and that's never made a sustained difference. This time maybe I can control this situation with some well chosen words and twisting myself a bit this way or that. I dislike this situation but refuse to leave it because maybe I'm wrong. But I don't think I'm wrong. Alright, let's just keep going this way, trying the same things over and over because I want a different result although there continues to be no indication that this is healthy for more than a few days at a time."
You seem to simultaneously be aware of the toxicity and in denial or what it means (you two are incompatible, like any two people caught in an insecure dynamic are incompatible). It's confusing to me, and I'm not saying this to be a jerk I'm just wondering what are you trying to do with this situation? What is your actual intention?
Post by usernametaken on Sept 4, 2022 22:38:34 GMT
Thanks introvert . You are right, we all think we are the exception to the rule. It just feels like this has to be solvable. We have solved so many other issues and understand each other so much better on so many levels now. He called me his best friend. Yet this is our core issue. He keeps feeling I am wanting something from him, that he can't give me. But won't communicate what that is.
I keep thinking If I just found a stable distance that I can maintain, but then it feels like he pulls me closer, and we get into this same cycle.
So my brain thinks "If I can just figure out what it is I am projecting that I can stop projecting that". Because I do truly believe he is picking up on something, I am just not sure what. I would draw the line at friends but I know us enough to know that would never last unless I have iron clad boundaries and realistically I am not there yet.
I've gone back and re-read what alexandra has posted about how even when you show up secure an FA is going to behave like an FA unless they are really truly working on themselves. so I guess turning it back on myself, why can't I ask for space? I feel confused and I know that is what I need from this situation. I wish I knew that one day I could get into a relationship I won't overthink, but that seems impossible.
I have learned SO much through this experience, it is truly amazing.
usernametaken , it's such a complex process to learn about ourselves and then develop new awareness and make behavioral changes, change our inner dialog, undo all the knots that were tied sometimes before birth and then all through our development. Everything takes practice and learning from mistakes, enjoying the rewards of positive changes, taking two steps forward and one step back. It's not linear. There is value in the whole process, not just the parts that feel good or work out how we would like.
For what it's worth, the relationship I was in just prior to meeting my current partner was a protracted clusterfuck. Similar in some ways in that we worked through SOME things, but the overall pattern remained the same ultimately because he really wasn't working through his own issues in a devoted way. He was avoiding them through work and his own obsessive habits. So there came a point when I outgrew him... but getting to that point was SUPER cringey as I look back. Seriously, the "progress" was an illusion because he really truly wasn't moving toward emotional health and availability... he was in a holding pattern, going to therapy, but not making a move to release some coping mechanisms that were attached to deep issues he just wasn't able to fully face. The little victories provided some kind of intermittent reinforcement or something- or created the illusion of progress when really it was just enough to keep me stuck. Until it wasn't. And now I'm in the position to be able to say I'm doing what I never dreamed could be possible. So don't be discouraged. It's just a process.