Dating stage as an FA

Thanks! This is a new one for me. I vividly remember my counsellor calling my mothers actions towards me malicious.  It was VERY hard for me to accept. I could accept my mother was abusive, neglectful and sometimes a shitty mom but to think my mother intentionally harmed my sister and I was a very new thing to process. But she was right, my mother found ways to twist the knife and cause us emotional harm.  It doesn't really matter why, she still chose to do them to us. 

I had a nice dinner date on Sunday. He told me he ended his previous relationship over the kid issue and is at the point in his life where he wants to start a family. He did overshare a tiny bit about his messed up family and then promptly apologized for the oversharing. He seemed amazed at our similarities. He isn't exactly my type physically but he seems nice. There was a red flag that he isn't vaccinated but his reason why seemed reasonable. I decided it is work checking out, so I told him I would like to do something again and then I stepped back and let him come to me. He is taking me for a picnic on Saturday.

I am scared to get involved with him because it sounds like he had a shitty upbringing and he has done zero to address it. At the same time he seems like a really functional nice adult who has done well for himself and has a solid head on his shoulders. Mr. AP just really messed with my head.

Do you want to start a family? Sorry, I've missed if you have mentioned that.

Also, it just takes time to see how his family dynamic plays out or has evolved in him, and it's maybe hypervigilance that's speaking to you if you feel scared already about it. There really is just no way to know after one date, it actually takes quite a while to understand someone unless there are red flag behaviors right away. And all of us are a work in progress. I think you've shown a bit too much tolerance for poor behavior with AP guy and perhaps excused it because he seems to be aware and working on his issues. It really comes down to knowing what harms you and taking care of yourself vs evaluating what someone else is doing with their issues. It's more about what are you doing with their issues, if that makes sense.

Something I didn't mention in my last update, because I was still churning it over was Mr. AP/FA. He has been a great opportunity to examine my own emotional unavailability. Because of my examination of my friends fawning over me, I could definitely see the way I was fawning over Mr. AP at times. I think he was falling into the victim role and I was falling into caretaker. I was also being pushier then needed because I wanted more closeness but didn't communicate it well. He actually said that I am too nice, and in a weird way. So I told him I was going to try to be more authentic. As part of this we also talked about how I am responsible for my own yes and no. Because part of his issue with me is not trusting that when I say yes I mean yes. I see why he could doubt my yes if I was being overly nice as a result of fawning.

A few days later, we had a blow up where he called me delusional for thinking we would ever be anything more, then gave me the cold shoulder. After trying to communicate that I was still dating other people, so was he and I never asked for exclusivity, I walked out. This was the first time in years I was mad AT someone, wow did it ever feel good. I saw another post where alexandra mentioned FA's are very much in the moment with their feelings. I can see that here because a week later he was being more affectionate and warm then ever. It barely phases me now because I can keep myself grounded in the moment and know that once he calms down, he'll be okay. Which is very much like me, I can be very emotionally reactive but once I calm down I go oh, that is not how I feel at all. The difference being I apologize quickly. I think I am also still being a bit forceful with what I want, instead of trying to be open and curious to what he wants. My attitude before was a bit, of course we work don't be silly, instead of exploring his fears or feelings on the matter.

My counsellor was very honest and said of the two of us, she thinks I am the cat, and he is the mouse. He may not be used to being the mouse, but make no mistake I was "toying" with him. I am curious about him and he challenges me. She said he might feel the same way about me. She sees me getting bored and moving on eventually, but not to waste too much time here because he isn't the father of my future child. She did encourage me to continue to use it as an opportunity to set boundaries and after the blow up, I should leave him "in the hallway" while I sorted my feelings.

I always though purposely giving someone less attention was immature, and a bit of a power move, but I can see her point. He is very self aware so probably well aware when he crosses a line, so trying to continue to communicate past a point is well, pointless. Trying to set boundaries could actually come across as there are no consequences for shitty behavior. The cause and effect of simply pulling back a bit is a more direct you do A, then B happens. Period, end of story.

So I did, I responded sparsely and filled up my calendar, I didn't go out of my way to pick up his calls. He came around and told me he missed me (a first) For my part I am trying to be less anxiously attached to him. I am doing self-care and making plans with other people, went back on bumble etc. Also not trying to not jump through hoops for him anymore. It is hard because I feel a knee jerk reaction to do what he wants, but I recognize it is contributing to our dynamic.

I'm halfway through co-dependent no more and it is a great read. I think after M resenting me so much for not mind reading and meeting his needs I tried to be this super mind reader, meeting of all needs person. But the thing is, I don't have the best emotional attunement and fawning was actually causing me to miss the mark even further. I was zigging while he was zagging instead of me just standing still. Mr AP also has a very weird stance on communication, which I think is contributing to problems. Trying to unravel it. I invited him to a BBQ but left it pretty open and low pressure. Day of he sends a text he doesn't know when it is, I let him know the time and said people are looking forward to meeting him. He didn't come, but later said if I had knew him I wouldn't have told him people wanted to meet him. He likes to just slip in and out of places un-noticed without a fuss being made. It was a weird way of making me responsible for him not coming? To me I was just communicating information. There are a lot of times where I feel I am just communicating information and how he wants to take it is up to him, but he has this weird expectation that I tailor it to him?

He did say sometimes I am robot like, lacking sentiment and warmth. I will give him that. I think my neurodivergence coupled with a career in customer service has left my communicating skewing business like. I like being blunt, to me that is effective and leaves little room for misinterpretation but he is a warm feelings based communicator. My ex-husband was also a very blunt analytical person, so I think it is why we got along so well and never noticed we aren't quite on the same wavelength as everyone else. Even the way I say goodbye is BYE! and then I take off. People who know me like to joke about how awkward I make it, to me, being awkward is lingering around after saying bye.

He did also say he has a hard time understanding me as a person. My ex husband said the same thing. That after 20 years of marriage he still didn't really understand me. Yet people say I wear my heart on my sleeve. So I am confused a bit by this. 

So I deactivated on him pretty fully lastnight. Then he called me this morning to say he has fallen back into a depression. He was really honest that he doesn't know what I see in him. He said with everyone else, including people he dates, he has this mask on that is charming and funny so he can kinda get what they see but with me I see the real him and so he is confused. I thanked him for the privledge of knowing him fully. He doesn't know what makes me different from anyone else or why he is himself with me.

Frankly that puzzles me as well? I can't be that special of a person. Trying to not let that go to my head. LOL. I invited him out and he declined so did my own thing today and had a lot of fun.

Mr AP seems to be showing up lately. We've had some really good honest conversations. We've talked about some of the not so subtle ways he manipulates people. He is starting to recognize when he does it and feels bad. I think he is starting to be aware that he is lacking empathy. But also we are trying to get on the same page and he seems to feel a lot of guilt that he is wasting my time and doesn't understand why I am not dating more people.

He introduced me to a really amazing women and we went on a date all together. She is so smart and we ended up kissing and I want to see her again. See called him hot and cold so it would seem he treats everyone the same way.

I think I am feeling confused. I have never gotten to explore my sexuality or just date for fun and he offers me all that and more. But at the same time, I am getting older.

He was dumped this week by someone he had put on a pedestal and she said some pretty mean but mostly true things to him. I'm trying to be compassionate because I know what that is like, but he keeps transferring his anger to me. He has admitted a few times he is doing this but seems unable to stop. I can recognize it and disengage when I hear the tone coming on, but it's exhausting.

It's also exhausting to always second guess if my affection will be accepted or rejected. One day he is telling me he is more honest with me then anyone else in his life, the next he calls me a stranger he barely knows. One day he calls me beautiful the next when I ask if he likes my new dress he said I am fishing for compliments.

We went to his vacation home this weekend and while I was excited driving up here, this morning felt like a switch went off. I woke up with so many negative feelings. Pity, wanting to get away. I am having to explain so many basic social things to him like how even if you think someone is going to be okay with something, as a courtesy you ask them BEFORE the thing and don't just spring it on them as an after thought.

He most likely has Covid so I think I'm also feeling like I don't want to leave him here on his own, but I also want to ebjoy my weekend because I feel fine. So yeah, sitting with these weird feelings and anxiety.

If I didn't want a kid, it would be to just have fun and enjoy life. See where things go. I was in a serious relationship for so long I never got to do that. But then I recognize I'm getting older and feel immense pressure to have a kid like yesterday. But I think putting that much pressure on having to have a kid is making me neurotic.

I don't want to be in a boring relationship with someone who just wants me to be a mom.

I have such control issues which I've been trying to work on in therapy but it's really hard to give up the need to know how things will end.