Dating stage as an FA

Now the big update. The ex I ran into, I've kept in touch with. I think in the past I would have romanticized this connection or maybe hurt my own feelings, like you aren't good enough, he doesn't want you, etc. Maybe I would have even tried to change his mind or manipulate the situation because it seemed like the attraction was mutual. But the thing about going thru all this work is you realize attraction alone is not enough. I realized I can either value him for the friends level connection we have or I can end things and either one is okay. But I trust myself to deal with this attraction without the need to act on it or tell him and I am okay. I didn't need to analyze every little thing of omg what does this mean, because I am okay with just letting it exist. Even if I don't necessarily believe the reason he gave me for ending things originally, that is okay. Because he did. He closed that door and I will accept that at face value. Because he didn't try to keep the door half opened. He could have done what Mr. Situationship did and we could have become a mess, but he didn't. We stopped the physical relationship and became friends until he let it fade and I respect that.

As it turns out, he was also thinking about our connection but instead of being honest with me about this or how he felt, or waiting until he saw me next, he dropped me a text out of no where to ask if my invite to hang out at a local event was me wanting to be friends or more than. I was terrified. I had been found out ! Why was he asking? Did I do something to show my hand? Was he asking because he was into me?

I went into all my old patterns, I so desperately wanted to know why was he asking me this, and to protect my feelings. I was worried about ruining our friendship and I wanted him to go first. Even felt a bit of anger of how dare he ask me what I want, he should have to be up front about why he was asking! I must have re-written that reply 20 times to hide my feelings, before I settled on the truth. That my intentions were friendship, but I had been shocked by our chemistry when we reconnected, and I was really attracted to him.

Apparently he agrees, and wants more than friendship. I instantly feel out of control, he pulled me out of my safe little crush into something more. And I don't know what more is, or if we are even compatible. But for once, I don't think I need to know right now. I trust him, but more importantly. I trust myself.