Dating stage as an FA

Yeah there is wayyyyy to much of his past in this dynamic. The two of you weigh things against his past to an inappropriate degree, which is fine for learning but this isn't relationship stuff it really gets into that zone of stuff he should be talking to a therapist about and leaving it the hell out of his dating. I don't think there's any way you should be considering his past partners as you're dating him. His past is way too much on display in your posts, from my perspective.

The over commitment was another date. That he didn't tell me about. A second date in fact. The first date was apparently to try to figure out if he wanted to be with me. Then he decided without talking to me, that I would be so enraged and done he should just see her again.

He didn't owe me exclusivity but he did owe me to tell me and not hide it from me. I wish he could tell me it was worth it, but he couldn't.

I wish I could say I got angry or walked out, but I just froze and sat there and talked until I couldn't talk anymore.

If I hadn't poured my heart out here over the years. I would refer him here. I think he could really use the guidance of the members here.

His freakin sob stories, poor liar....

@cherrycola I know this has been a painful experience for you. I had those on along the way too, it's not a sign that you're failing. Bad experiences are how I accumulated a list of things to avoid.
1) talk about exes and their behavior is a red flag, the person hasn't sufficiently addressed their own issues and are other focused
2) if the conversations involve discussions about a difficulty with commitment, and I am looking for a long term relationship, then this is not a good candidate and the interview is over, lol. Especially if I can relate in present tense, Ive got to look at that. I learned this with a man who eventually admitted his therapist thinks he's a narcissist. So there you go, even when someone's going to therapy you have to go by how they OPERATE, NOW, not just that they talk a lot about themselves to anyone who will listen!
3) To the point above: just because someone will talk about their issues and problems with you, doesn't mean they are solving them. It only means they like to talk about themselves and how difficult it is (to be the victim of everyone around, including eventually you)
4) if someone beats around the bush and things seem shady, it's because they are HIDING SOMETHING. If it feels off, it's off. SURE, Maybe they just don't have good communication skills... and I require good communication. I'm not a communication coach. Come at me with basic skills in place.

These are just things to be aware of in others.. there's a whole other list of things to catch and correct in one's own thinking. That's the subject of another post but I'm out of time this morning.

This is part of the process, don't beat yourself up and certainly dont let it put a tombstone on dating. It's like anything else with a steep learning curve.

I was in this situation once. I went on a few dates with a suuuuper textbook and unaware, immature AP. I recognized so much of my teenage / early 20s self in what he was doing. But flip that script: that means you know where in his process he's at and (if he was earnestly doing the work for himself) how very long it would take him just to catch up to where you currently are -- and you're still not finished, which makes him even further out. So, I think that perspective makes it more obvious how important it is to keep good boundaries around this and, sure, have compassion and understanding, but not continue to give him access to vomit his feelings and issues all over you.

Had a very bittersweet conversation. Painful but good. I felt better but also very sad.

He simply said after 2 months he felt like he should feel more, but he doesn't and he didn't want to waste my time. He said part of this is trying to honor that I am dating to find a partner and he doesn't want to waste my time if he can't get there. But also he is scared because he knows his feelings disappear sometimes and he is truly worried that in three months he'll want me back and I'll be gone. He apologized a lot for going about this the wrong way. But then we just chatted and hung out and he said I was his best friend and as hard as it is to tell me the truth, I am by far the person in his life he is the most honest and open with. I wanted to smack him. Smack him because I am not crazy and I KNOW there are true and real feelings there.  It was odd, but this was by far the best time we have had hanging out in awhile. I wish we had just been this free and open around each other before.  and not triggering each other back and forth.  It also confirms that my picker is getting better. I've dated a lot of men that I wouldn't want to be friends with, and in another life, we would have been friends. 

It feels easier now, he "released" me. He made his decision, he wants to see if he feels more for someone else. He has already picked another AP to fill this gap. I really wish he was at least dating someone amazing. It feels terrible that I am being let go for another AP, which was exactly my fear to begin with. But he did listen and said he is going to slow things down with her, he doesn't need to rush in.  He did consider what I said that starting something with her, while with me, right after his ex... was not how you go about things.  To spend sometime alone and in therapy.

edit: As a typical FA he asked me to stay. He said he isn't going to sleep with either of us right now, which honestly surprised me. He was actually not planning on seeing her for a week so he could sort through his feelings, but then she was being super clingy and he felt guilty and hung out with her (off to a great start eh?).  So that was his compromise. I did say I was thinking about dating again and he said he wants to know. And then part of me feels he lost that privilege.  The whole keep me close but not that close.  So I am going to sit with those feelings for a bit. I don't actually want to jump on any dating apps but I bet it feels "safer" for him to "have me" in this way and that feels bad for me. I don't think he deserves it.