Dating stage as an FA

As always thank you for the kind words. They allowed me to finally cry which was good. I let my guard down which is hard. I actually fell in love with him at some point but I wouldn't allow myself to say it. I can't help but feel like it's my fault for "pushing" too hard for commitment, when I already had him telling me he wasn't dating anyone else, he just wasn't comfortable completely committing. My counsellor felt that was sufficient for 2 months in. I just wanted to understand where his head was at. and I guess now I know. I feel more upset that as I was leaving he hugged me from behind and out of the blue said don't worry, unless I die you'll see me again. Even offered me tomorrow. Texted me this morning like usual and now, nothing. He didn't bother to reply to my text asking to confirm if he was okay with what I was making for dinner.

I know him well enough to know he either is unsure or doesn't want to come but also feels like he can't cancel. I have not double texted. Part of me wants to do the mature thing and give him an out and part of me wants him to show me who he is. Is he the person who after 2 months of never going more than an hour ignores my texts because we got into a peaceful conflict about being on different pages.

What I do know is I am no longer the person who gets angry/sends walls of texts to people, or who needs instantly replies. So no matter what happens, I will be okay. I am sure eventually he'll pop up again.  I'm also proud of myself that I set my boundaries and never allowed this to turn into a FWB or endless situationship. In the past I 100% would have been so in love and infatuated I would have settled for crumbs. 


@introverttemporary thank you for your direct and blunt words, appreciated as always. My most secure friend who gives me relationship advice was VERY shocked about what happened. He has been encouraging me to keep dating this guy the entire way and was like wow... hmmm. and didn't quite know what to tell me. 

@cherrycola , neither of you did anything wrong, you just did what doesn't work for an emotionally mature, emotionally available relationship in the long run.

I've found, the more you connect with someone about how insecure the both of you are, the more you are building a false connection based in insecurity. It seems like emotional connection, but it's just commiseration. In order for this to be healthy, both people need to be working their way out of it without consciously or unconsciously hoping the other person will save them in any way shape or form.

Rather than seeing this as some kind of failure, or thinking you somehow got it wrong, you might be able to identify what didn't work. Perhaps you were a little to enmeshed from the start... if you find that to be so then register the information and make a boundary for yourself about sharing too much, too soon. Emotional "vulnerabilty" can be a "rescue me please" signal even if you don't intend it as such. It can also be read as a "I'm okay with all your insecurities that will prevent a real relationship, because I've got a lot of my own, let's be insecure together."
It can create a false sense of intimacy when really you needn't be fostering deep intimacy over insecurities. Foster intimacy at a deep deep level with someone when you observe that they are ready, willing, and able to be in that kind of relationship with you.

My basic point is, maybe bring less conversation about the kind of things that you talk about in therapy to your dating? Just a thought. People in this world are lonely and looking to commiserate, and I think it finds its way into dating regularly. I notice a prominent feature of every unhealthy entanglement I've had had been a focus on how fucked up we were. It's like a way to say "I'm. Not. Ready. For. This...but I also don't want to be alone, so let's just ride this ride together."

So this was a discovery process that pulled on your heart strings. But over a relatively short period of time you experienced something that doesn't feel right, and you absolutely can trust yourself with your feelings of hesitation. He basically said he's too insecure to do this at the level you'd like, hes got too much baggage. Enough said, thank you sir and I wish you the very best getting your baggage sorted.

If he's got this pattern, and he knows it, and here he is living his pattern with you, there's no reason to give it more time... we need to date with a basic level of security as in, having our emotional baggage down to what we can carry but still get to our destination, enjoy the trip, and do all the things without the whole journey being about lugging baggage if you know what I mean.

I'm curious, what sort of/level of commitment is appropriate for 2 months? Just that you shouldn't be dating others?

I also wonder, @cherrycola, what exactly does commitment mean to you, what were you looking for from him at this point?

He said he wasn't dating others, but wouldn't take down profile, meaning he was still OPEN to dating others (which is the same thing as not being exclusive, essentially?)

I think the fact that you already feel like your chasing him for more time, more exclusivity, doesn't bode well. I remember feeling that way very quickly with my FA ex, and as you know, I never caught up in that relationship.

But I'm still kind of surprised to hear others say 2 months in someone should know they want a commitment with someone.

I think it's important to end things if you hear this, rather than hoping you could be the first thing in his entire life he could start committing to. Why should you be his guinea pig? People can and do change and need to start somewhere, but someone who can't commit to anything in life is likely going to take baby steps maintaining a commitment to something easier and less triggering than a romantic relationship once they hit a point where they're ready to face their issues. I don't know how you could trust someone who has a history of panicking even after commitment. If they have no recent history of turning things around and being fully into some commitments somewhere for a long period of time, then you'd always be waiting for the shoe to drop. And perhaps acting accordingly, out of fear.

I know it goes deeper then just a fear of commitment. I just meant I don't know if he recognizes the fear under his indecision just yet. And to be fair to him, his relationships had some pretty big issues running through them. But yes, you have to also be ready for the fact that healthy relationships feel 100% different than an insecure one and you aren't going to get the intensity of feeling and the push/pull that you get with insecure ones. So in some ways, they lack that same omg I have to have this person. So then it's an even bigger choice around I chose safety and consistency over that.

I only know so much around his indecision / commitment issues due to my own. Over a few conversations about life, large purchases, careers etc. It came out that he feels like me, that closing doors is scary and whenever possible he wants to leave all the doors open. So like we both tolerate our job because we know we can quit. In relationships we go I can just dump them, etc. I never thought of myself as having a fear of commitment until very recently. And it's only more recently that I consciously want to go into a relationship with both feet in, instead of one in and one out with various de-activating strategies. But from some of what I got from him, he does too. Hence why when he first said I want to commit just on my timeline and not feel forced. I 100% understood and thought yes that is a good reason. But then my own insecurity got the best of me and I think I pushed a bit hard. I don't know if I really noticed the ways he was in, because I keep raising the bar.

I also have a history of choosing "safe" people. People I can't get too close with, people who are messes and can't get their act together etc.

So even with all my work I've done, I don't know how easily booth feet in is going to be for me. I can say oh I want to commit etc, but do I truly and can I do the work to back that up? Not to say I should stick around in a really insecure dynamic, just focusing on my own part here.

I get what you are saying about doing the work and so much of that is self-esteem etc. But for an FA, even just talking and communicating IS part of the work. We are deeply mistrustful and sometimes even the most simple "I really like that" or "I would prefer this" feels horribly unsafe so exposure therapy that we can share these inner parts of us and not only are they accepted but cherished is so amazing. Having deep friendships where I can do this has been so instrumental for my healing and I see him slowly doing that with me.

I am also noticing how much my nervous system is still primed for intensity, anxiety, fighting, etc.  We recently had an incident that was no big deal for either of us, but because of our history, we both were monitoring the other for their reaction. I felt so weird I eventually had to tell him I was being hypervigilant even though I knew he wasn't mad, and then I assured him that I wasn't mad either, and I think neither of us fully trusted that a situation can be no big deal and we can laugh it off and move on. 

Had an interesting experience, and I want to recognize the win of being assertive while triggered.

He saw each other wed and he suggested we go on a date tonight. Then out of the blue today he tried to back out but in a very passive and confusing way. He offered many compromises but none of them seemed to be offered sincerely. I got triggered but worked thru the feelings and told him his indirect communication was challenging and putting me in a lose/lose of trying to figure out what he actually wanted, I needed him to be more assertive with what did work for him. So he told me the truth (he is overwhelmed with other commitments he made that he wish he hadn't), he apologized, asked me out for Monday and admitted that he was terrified to tell me. He was so shocked that I was so open to consider his point of view and not just my own disappointment.

After that was resolved I worked through the actual trigger. I knew exactly who put it there, and it wasn't him. It was much deeper and older. It wouldn't have mattered if we were in a relationship or not, that same pain point would have been pressed. But then I felt odd, shame came up for me, because I wish I had been able to be detached enough to say sure yeah no worries. But it wasn't no worries, it was a big worry! And then the fact he stepped up when I asked him to, I felt more connected and closer to him. So I guess then it was a bit more confusing. Because I know this could become a pattern, but also I don't know if it is. I have to trust myself that if this becomes a pattern, I set a boundary. I did let him know part of my acceptance was it was his first time cancelling.

I think it would be odd to be completely unbothered if a guy who has told you about major issues with commitment is showing these signs of people pleasing and inability to follow through.

Terrified to speak to you about plans he's breaking, that's a red flag. He's people pleased his way into commitments he regrets, that can be problematic too. I'd be feeling like he's people pleased his way into making plans with me as well, and he's not on his feet emotionally enough to manage his life authentically. Not saying that to be over sensitive, but to be sensitive to the whole big picture he's painted.... that he's TERRIFIED of being in a relationship. That's the thing to tackle here, which can be lost in managing each little crisis that will ensue because of that underlying deal-breaker.

There are times when we can't see the forest for the trees.

Just my opinion, but I think you should be pretty observant here.