Dating stage as an FA

It's normal for you to feel uncomfortable that he's blaming you for an issue he caused by making assumptions and not communicating, even though he didn't actually know you yet and shouldn't have assumed anything. While at the same time not knowing what he wanted anyway, and creating a story now in his head about it all. It does give you insight into where he is in dealing with his attachment style issues, and it may not be as far along as where you are -- even though you're still in the thick of it yourself. Definitely sit with your feelings, and remember that they are valid.

I think it's good you said he was being non-committal. If he wants to repair this, he should take that to heart and figure out what he wants to do about it to gain your trust. Which is probably why he's acting like you cheated, that's an easier cop-out and pressures you to try harder, and then he doesn't need to step up and do the work... but I don't know that for sure of course, it's just my interpretation and assumption. What he's said is he's hurt, which I'm sure is true, it just sounds like he is too all over the place to fully understand what he's hurt about.

"I'm disappointed that instead of just letting him sit with those feelings and decide how he was feeling, I really felt the need to know if this was a deal breaker for him."

Why disappointed? It's a valid question, and would have been a valid answer from him even if he instead said he needs some time to think about it. Nothing wrong with either of those things, as long as you gave him the time after you asked if it was a dealbreaker.

Sounds like someone else has done this to you in the past. If he does these things, he's not a safe partner to be with.

mrob thank you for the humorous scenario. I didn't even consider that maybe he is afraid that I don't want to DTR. He is aware that in 5 years of dating I have only committed once. He also made a joke about me running away last week, but all jokes have some truth. If anything I look like the flight risk, not him. 

So I guess it was more like if he wanted to offer me a promotion but was afraid to even show me what it was, but then in the middle of this he found out I moonlighted somewhere else, he then got thrown so far off track, that I didn't even get to see what the offer was. So now I am like, is there still an offer? Do I want this offer? I think I want this offer but like I was just getting used to this company and their way of doing things.

I always found it interesting that the first few weeks dating he kept trying to get ahead of a DTR talk that wasn't even happening. The third? time he mentioned it I had to point blank ask "is there something I am saying or doing that is giving off this impression that I want to DTR right now?" and he admitted that no... I wasn't and he was projecting from previous relationships. And that was the last time it was brought up until Wed. So yeah maybe he is now nervous that I don't want to DTR because I have not brought it up once. We don't talk about the future beyond a few days. We are very much in the present enjoying each others company. But then he let slip he ordered me a gift online and started to shift into more of an us/we thing. So he seems to see me as more of a fixture in his life.

We did not DTR, in fact he seemed confused why I would bring it up again. When I tried to say hey we don't need to be in a relationship but maybe we should agree to not date others, he said he sees that as the same as being in a relationship and he is no longer upset about the date I went on and he has no interest in dating others but also won't delete his profile. Just taking this as information and trying to figure out how I feel about it.

He continues to be warm, consistent and communicative about where he is at. He makes time for me and admits when he needs to push himself outside his comfort zone. He shares the stories in his head and let's me correct them.

I am sometimes freaked out that he often catches my mood before I even do. But he does often interpret it wrong, ie I'm surprised and he reads it as upset. Etc.

Wait a minute... he days he dates women who are not his equals because it feels safer... and he's dating you?

DROP. KICK.

Wishy washy insecure shit, there.

That's a dead end.

That is what I'm trying to determine right now. Because before I met him, I had this idea that my partner would be able to commit within 2 months but then I talked to my counsellor and my secure friend and they said 3-4 is reasonable. But I'm not sure 3-4 will change anything.

He has supported me to grow in ways I never could have dreamt. He is so warm and respectful and caring and it's hard to not want to just be wrapped in that for awhile. It's hard to not want to be with the person who always wants to know how I am and what is on my mind and will randomly text me with followup thoughts. Even though he says he wants off the insecure marry go round and constantly push/pull with anxious partners, there is the fear that he'll meet his next AP at some point and that will feel good and familiar and off he goes.

I identify so strongly with always keeping one foot out of every relationship I've been in. How can I not have empathy for him. His feelings are identical to mine, just not as processed. Before I realized I wanted to put both feet in, this would have been okay. This weird place where we don't date others but also don't have any commitments to each other.

I'm also aware if he doesn't challenge these thoughts and feelings none of it will matter. From the sounds of things I'm the first person that he has felt safe enough with to communicate his fears. So I can see him fighting his discomfort for this relationship, even if it's not enough.

My counsellor also said it's my responsibility to manage my anxiety around uncertainty and not his and that if I've said going slow is okay I need to stand by that. And just let things unfold. So trying to determine how much of my own insecurity is causing issues.