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Post by cherrycola on Feb 27, 2024 4:21:34 GMT
@introverttemporary "it sounds like you are struggling to find authenticity in yourself due to feelings of fear and anger?" In a way yes. I am struggling to trust myself, and to trust others. Trust that this can work out? That I am deserving of good things and that somehow against all odds I can eventually find a healthy-ish relationship with someone who I can grow with. Have kids with, etc. tnr9 Thank you. I am really struggling. Being ADHD means I don't have the same level of emotional and executive function bandwidth as others. I really wanted to continue to multi-date all through this experience to be really "sure" but I am finding just trying to keep up with all my friends, my new role at work, my house, and now this new person has taxed me. I have a few others I am chatting with but nothing solid and the effort of like trying to keep matching and chatting and vetting and dating. I also know he isn't dating others, and he asked me if I was and I said not currently. Though neither of us have taken our profiles down. We agreed to try to take things slow. I also understand the feeling of wanting to be single rather then in something bad. After Mr. AP I never want to go through that again. I think I've realized this round that when your profile is intentional and you do vet before meeting and keep your standards high, you do just have a better time, even if you still have all the usual emotional flakiness at least it's interspaced with nice food or drinks. And usually good company. |
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 28, 2024 16:32:32 GMT
Third date went well. He is just very warm, consistent, considerate, and above all respectful. He listens well, and I enjoy even just hearing him talk. Sometimes with ADHD I get really impatient with people who wont get to the point, but his natural pace works for me. My nervous system is happy, my logical brain is happy. We are just trying to feel this out together as we go which is lovely. We touched a bit on being FA and people pleasers. It was nice. We both forgot it's only been three dates because of how nice things were going. He just wants to share his inner world with me. He tells me the weird little things he thinks about, and I share mine back. there were a few times I hesitated because it felt like too much too soon, and he just said okay, and moved on.
I don't think I would have ever been able to appreciate this if I hadn't been through all the things I went through before now. I probably also wouldn't be able to just let this unfold. I would be an anxious mess chasing him. There were a few times were he changed things up on me and my brain instantly jumped into worse case story telling, and then I let them sit for a bit, and sure enough he told/showed me I had nothing to worry about.
We have a fourth date this weekend.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 29, 2024 20:34:07 GMT
I'm not sure if this may help you with the pacing, but I think part of the over-intensity you're facing in early dating (which can trigger your anxiety or your avoidance) still is around jumping ahead to worrying about "will this work out" and how on date 3 you're already trying to figure this out together. On a 3rd-4th date, you're still figuring out who you're getting to know, if you like each other, and assessing for deal breakers, really nothing more. There's nothing that may or may not work out yet beyond that. Things sound more promising with this guy, but even if your nervous system is feeling more settled with him, there's still a lot of focus in your post about maybe it'll work out THIS time? Instead of, I'm simply getting to know who this man is. Which isn't to invalidate your feelings in any way, just pointing it out because I used to be the most anxious will-this-work-out dater from the jump. But I eventually learned that, in addition to pacing things slower to sit with yourself, explore your feelings and responses, and manage your own triggers, putting less internal stress on where things are going so early on will also improve your dating experiences as well as your connection to yourself. So I wanted to put it out there for consideration. I know you have different challenges than I did, but I think there are similar foundations that come from how someone with some anxious tendencies views themselves in the context of dating and expectations, due to difficulty with self-identity and related boundaries. There's still a merging of the potential relationship and self which can cause the triggering, versus being yourself and building a connection then choosing to participate in a relationship. Not sure if I'm describing it that well, but it helps one not lose themselves in the process.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 29, 2024 21:08:10 GMT
Yes, I completely understand where you are coming from. When I say figure it out together, he stated that he is used to dating very anxious women who push to DTR after 2 dates and then he gets swept up in spending every moment together, then when he wants to slow down, they get anxious. So there wasn't pressure from me because 2 dates would be crazy town but I appreciated that he shared that? So I could reassure him that I really just want to get to know him and we can let this be organic. And when I set a boundary that I don't want to have sex until it is going somewhere, he 100% supported me in that. We are definitely in different parts of our journey so I do find myself gently pumping the breaks on him sometimes.
So even though it's only been 3 dates I really appreciated that openness to say I am feeling these things and they are coming from within but could we make sure we are on the same page? There has been no weird love bomby behaviors from him. No out of place affection, no future faking. He is just consistent without being overboard.
I really appreciate the time between dates to miss him and keep up with myself. Now that I feel a bit more "settled" I did kinda re-evaluate should I be striking up some new matches and I do feel I have the bandwidth to do that.
I think I have also been doing a good job of just letting things sit where they are, and keeping my energy in check. Not to punish him, or play games, but when I feel "unsure" of myself I tend to be overly assertive and try to hard to maybe control the outcome. But now I am just noticing hey, I'm feeling a bit unsure of anxious here, or this doesn't feel like me, I don't chase. So I don't and I then just let it rest. I don't need to send that text, nothing is going to blow up if we don't talk all night.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 29, 2024 21:28:07 GMT
That makes sense. After the accountant whirlwind, I'd read figuring it out together as already discussing what this specific relationship is going to be and I was like, nooo too soon to know! Or as managing each other's triggers. If it means, figuring out how to date someone who isn't defining the relationship after two dates because a less insecure date is a new experience, and figuring out how to consistently communicate needs directly, that sounds reasonable.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 29, 2024 21:41:40 GMT
Yes, it is learning how to consistently communicate needs directly, even if it's super new and we don't owe each other anything. I think that part has always bothered me about modern dating, that oh it's not defined so don't communicate these things. It's all fun, and light and these things shouldn't come up. But he said one of the things he is working on is taking off his mask, so he appreciates he can just tell me what is on his mind.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2024 14:23:20 GMT
I went through a period of dating when I was in major transformation and learning new things, so I was pretty messy. I was practicing new skills and it was good for me but not for dating, but how do you learn without practice? So looking back, I can see how nothing stood a chance to last with the lack of established skills I had, but of course the whole process was very valuable.
Over time, with practice, a new normal becomes established. For me, ways of being that were new and unpolished were refined through practice... everything along the way was a learning experience, but I cringe looking back at some of it. I have to forgive myself for what I didn't know, what I wasn't good at, wrong turns I took. Since I didn't get all this in childhood I had to work it out as an adult behaving somewhat as a child 🙃😅
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 4, 2024 22:57:22 GMT
And just like that... my avoidance pops back up. But on reflection, maybe it's not avoidance and is just an appropriate reflection of how I am feeling and is this person right for me? Probably a mix. I feel like I should just know 100% what I want, but I don't think that is actually the healthy thing to do. I think heavy skepticism is probably the more prudent thing in early dating.
So I talked it out with a friend who said to give it another few weeks, and then maybe have a discussion. This seems like really grounded advice, and a secure person is okay if two peoples timings don't line up. 6-8 weeks is where I would normally want to define things and we are only a little over two. While I don't feel a need to define things, I also have a pretty deep fear of yet another man wasting my time.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 5, 2024 3:37:26 GMT
I also have a pretty deep fear of yet another man wasting my time. This is another reason people multi-date prior to committing to a defined relationship. You're not having your time wasted even if it didn't work out if you're dating someone earnestly interested in exploring a connection and assessing compatibility, and you're learning anyway -- but if you're also not limiting yourself right away then the time was doubly not "wasted" if 6-8 weeks later you're no longer dating. You shouldn't 100% know what you want with someone after 2 weeks. You can't. You can know what type of relationship you're looking for, and then get to know the person to see if it makes sense to build that relationship you want with that specific person. But how can you 100% know what you want with someone you don't even know yet? That's inherently based on fantasy projection until you know the other person better. But try approaching it with curiosity rather than skepticism. |
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 7, 2024 17:58:38 GMT
So bit of an update. But also changed my name due to realizing it is too close to my instagram handle and I wouldn't want anyone stumbling on it.
Accountant is back. We chatted about what happened and while it's concerning, I agreed to meet up next week to have a chat. I really did value that connection, he is in counselling and I can "understand" the why/how but I will reserve judgement about if he can do anything differently now that we have talked about it and opened the subject. I would be open to just slowly exploring this connection, instead of rushing in like we were doing.
Continued to go on dates with the other man, there were a few things that made me feel a bit alarmed, and some corresponding insecure behavior from me. He wanted to take things slow but then he has mismatches between what he is saying and what he is doing re slowness. I did bring them up but I don't think I did it in a very clear or secure way, it was really hard to articulate at the time what I was finding so difficult. So that was fair. It is very apparent we are at very different stages in our healing and while he is pretty self aware and trying to show up, he is still interpreting my actions as if I was an AP, and not clarifying enough. But I was glad that once I called out his actions he then clarified mine. I think I am struggling because I became physically intimate with him probably too quickly for the situation of trying to take things slow. I let myself down because normally I insist on exclusivity (but not to DTR) before I become physically intimate but I didn't in this case. So then when I tried to broach it I did it in a very insecure, soft, feeling around the edges type of way instead of an assertive adult way.
I also feel this sense of him poking around the edges to see if I am secretly super insecure and am I going to try to control him later on. He wanted to go do something on his own, and not spend the entire day together and when I was like oh that sounds fun, sure go do the thing, he got really weird. He later said he felt so guilty setting that boundary, that he was trying to reassure me that he likes me, yet the weirdness actually threw me off? Because I felt zero issue with not spending our entire day together and had my own plans for later. I was like yeah that makes sense in the context of only dating AP who can take it as a rejection, but also, I don't want to spend every second together? So we had a good chat around expectations of how much time do we want to spend together.
He is also starting to violate my boundaries around emotional intimacy and sharing. I think I am feeling enmeshed? I find myself craving fun light dates. He wants to just constantly explore the deepest corners of our minds and I get it, because we have a lot of similarities and he finds me a safe place, but he needs to do that with a counsellor. I leave the dates feeling kinda overwhelmed and then having to do my own processing. The sense I get is, he appreciates that he can ask me a question about human behavior or feelings and I can digest it and explain it on a cognitive level because I used to purely exist in a cognitive space and now I am in both worlds.
I think that not wanting to overshare and uncomfortableness around it, is actually a really good indication of where I am at in my healing. I am also really enjoying connecting with people who are like minded. Compared to a few years ago I find I am far more able to relax and have fun on dates. we connect on all sorts of different topics and neither of these men are intimidated by me. Even when triggered or anxious it's more around abandonment then anything wrong with me. like im not second guessing myself as much as I used to about when to text them, setup dates, be assertive etc. I am more able to watch and be anxious then feel a need to chase after them.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 14, 2024 4:55:57 GMT
Went on my date with the accountant, felt very odd. He asked me out again but he has once again kinda ... fallen off with the texting. Don't really feel much about that.
Still dating new guy. It's been a bit of a ride. Last week I got triggered and set a boundary pretty firmly. I then realized I was being harsh and tried to lighten things up. To my surprise the next day he asked me if everything was okay. We then talked in person about it and we took the time to understand each other. We also talked a bit around his inconsistencies. We setup a fun date for this weekend. I don't want to say I am playing games, but I guess I wanted to see how much he wanted to see me, because sometimes I feel like I get into chasing someone instead of letting things flow naturally, so I left it as let me know if you are free midweek to do something. We've been texting daily but no date. So I've been sitting in those anxious feelings and trying to not tell myself stories.
Today he did setup another date for next week, so it isn't that he doesn't want to see me, just not on the timeline I wanted to see him. He has poked fun at my boundary a few times but I enjoy we can joke about it. I know he will respect it. So just trying to observe that despite him being an FA and having some confidence issues in his ability to show up, is he showing up? Does he offer me what I need for a fulfilling relationship? I guess it's been three weeks at this point.
edit: Wow is he ever showing up in a big way. In a way that makes me feel insanely insecure about my own relating skills. He just so effortlessly listens and validates and shares confusion. I know I am only able to respond the way I do because of all the work I've done, but I still wish I could do it as effortlessly as he makes it look. He inspires me to want to be on his level, and when he expresses confusion or uncertainty I feel safe to share my inner stories with him. Of course there isn't much at stake yet, so it does feel safer to venture out and clumsily figure out how to communicate, but it gives me hope that maybe this FA/FA pairing isn't doomed.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 17, 2024 22:16:34 GMT
Hmmm, so I think I am having a hard time staying in my lane. Because as talented as he is with validation and caring, he is also very much in my lane. There is a lot of emotional monitoring coming from him, are you okay? what's up? is this okay? etc etc combined with his lack of boundaries around what he wants, I think I am overly accommodating for him now. Instead of just confidently asserting my needs/wants and then letting him figure out communicating his. I mean it isn't the biggest problem, but I very much want to get back into my lane and give him space to figure out how own stuff. I view everything as an open negotiation where as he is trying to proactively figure out what would make me happy. He also tends to over explain every action which makes me feel weird... like he is proactively managing my feelings that I don't even have?!?! I have also started to ask HIM if he is okay. I don't like this.
For example we were out, and he asked me if I wanted to stay or go. I said can we go and then after he admitted he was kinda tired and had wanted to leave but felt like he couldn't say that because I had picked the activity. And I just really didn't know what to say to that?!
I think I'm also struggling from emotional whiplash after spending time together. So this weekend was nice, and I had things I wanted to get done and so did he. So we parted ways but now I feel unsettled and completely anxious. I grounded myself for awhile but now I'm like why isn't he texting. Which is absurd because I have no reason to feel this way. For some reason this happens after every date. We even have another date on Tuesday planned out, I have no reason to believe he doesn't want to see me again. But my brain is just digging up all the stupid things I said. Feels a bit like when you have a vulnerability hang over. by tomorrow I will have probably swung avoidant again. With a fine he doesn't want me well I don't want him attitude.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 19, 2024 3:46:06 GMT
Still feel completely ungrounded by the shift in his behavior. He is still responsive if I reach out, though conversations tend to drop. We have a date tomorrow and that somehow doesn't sooth me at all. Can't tell if this is normal relationship settling or if he is becoming avoidant or did I say / do something that is making him distance. I am starting to wonder if I am cut out for relationships.
Never before have I ever doubted my ability to be in a relationship with someone. I want to run away.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 20, 2024 14:17:18 GMT
So after sitting in my anxiety and really figuring out why I was so anxious and what stories I was telling myself. I communicated it to him. It was absolutely terrifying to be so vulnerable and admit I was being insecure and here is the story I was telling myself. I was afraid I had once again self sabotaged and overshare and ... Was worried what he was thinking about me. His confusion said everything. He couldn't think of a single thing I said that made him think differently of me and even pressed me to explain further if there was any one particular thing.
It was a really warm and rewarding exchange.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 22, 2024 20:23:43 GMT
Working through all my feelings the past few weeks has been insane. I can often see a lot of them but I can't quite get myself regulate enough to process them. So yesterday I hit a wall with work + personal + dating and really spent time being mindful, feeling my feelings and trying to parse out the stories I had playing in my head that were causing me to dysregulate. Kinda insane to be able to view them all so clearly now and just go wow those are not true at all. I was taking myself out of my power and wanting to be "picked". I kept doing inner child exercises and new guy was showing up in them, and I could feel her saying I want him, not you. Go away, get me him. So that was a very interesting experience. Obviously a very very old wound was showing up for me around trying to find safety in others and even when I was saying Hey I am here, I am safe, my inner child was having none of it. Today I am very firmly back in my adult space and feeling shameful about how I was once again triggered mostly by myself. By my own beliefs. By wanting to have "power and control" over a dynamic that needs to unfold.
I have to trust in my own ability to navigate this dynamic. There was a single warning sign, but he didn't say no never, he said not right now and that was so early on, so that is fair. People move at difference paces. So really I do not know how red it is yet. I think only time can tell. All I know is he is showing up, he is being consistent. He is warm and caring and we are letting each other come closer at a slow but reliable rate. Which is exactly what I need as well. We are also continuing to communicate well. I do not want to DTR it is just going to trade one type of anxiety for another. It is not a waste if a month from now we evaluate and decide what is right for us. Neither of us are big on words of affirmation and we only just recently exchanged "I like you" which I found adorable. Normally men throw that at me after a 3rd or 4th date and in this case it took us a month !
I think I was also trying to find a set of "rules" to make myself safe. If I do X, Y, Z and set A, B, C boundaries with this person, that'll get me what I want, that will make me safe. But it really won't because that is trying to control a whole other person.
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