Dating stage as an FA

I’ve been sitting on my hands here. It’s incredible to watch. You’re doing in weeks what took me years, and I’m not sure whether that’s better or worse. The result has to be good, but the emotional roller coaster is quite something else.

I know when I could see others behaviour for what it is in an attachment context, it was like a light was switched on. Everything suddenly made sense. People would give themselves away in the first few mins on a date, and it was unbelievably accurate!
I suppose what was getting at is that you’ve been able to see people’s attachment style in a series of dates, and when typing this out I realise it’s a case of sour grapes on my part. Goodness, that’s ugly, I’m sorry.

Nobody deserves the benefit of the doubt when a pattern like this develops in literally the first 3 dates. Really! It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it doesn't mean anything other than he doesn't show up when he says he will, and the reasons are inconsequential, as far as you're concerned... that's his to figure out. If you know you need courtesy, reliability and consistency, (and you do, we all do)... but in the first three dates he demonstrates the opposite, he's a bad fit, end of. No attraction or interest cultivated this early should outweigh his inability to show up WHILE ATTEMPTING COURT YOU. No second chances are needed! He is a grown man responsible for managing his time and if he has issues with that,he can work that out eventually. I agree with your friend, have a standard, set the standard. Uphold the standard, and release him because he doesn't meet it. End of. He's just a guy, he's not so special you need to accommodate his lack of basic dating etiquette. Just. Say. No.

If he wants to get past his weird time of life and develop some basic dating skills, that can be on his own time. It's like trying on a pair of shoes, this early dating thing. First see if the shoe even fits your foot! If not, put the thing back. Don't squeeze your poor foot into it. It will give you blisters, every time. Without fail. Do not try to walk in a shoe that doesn't fit, even if you like the shoe.

If you're almost exclusively meeting guys online, then no, that doesn't mean it's you. Online dating has a higher pool of insecure people on it because it can be low effort, and the people who want healthy relationships tend to pair off and leave. However, it does mean having a thick skin while you go through the first few dates and not investing or having expectations right away, because you may need to meet a lot of people in a row who aren't emotionally available before you sort through and hit someone who is a good match. If you try to date and are disappointed by every prospect who falls apart by date 4, then yes, it's going to be very tedious and easy to start blaming yourself. If you stay open-minded and are looking to get to know someone and are only looking to see if you want a second, third, fourth date early on and not have further expectations or attachments, it makes internet dating much less frustrating (though still frustrating). Easier said than done, I know, but it gets easier with experience once you have awareness -- which, great news, you do!

@introverttemporary   It definitely comes from a lack of trust in myself and my intuition.  It's a topic that I've gone over a lot in therapy, my difficulty dating because I don't trust myself. So I try to do it a lot more cognitively then emotionally. Yet almost immediately after that third date my intuition also told me we were going too fast and to move that fourth date, which I didn't do. 

"If it is hysterical it is historical" is something I've been pondering today.  I have spent the last week in such a state of dysregulation I have been crying non stop and unable to eat. This is an extreme reaction to dating that I have never experienced before. My counsellor didn't have a lot of practical advice for me.  By Monday every text I received from him made me cry.  I have also been grieving my grandfather in a way I never have.  I have done a lot of grief work in the last few months, so perhaps this man tripped over something that has worked itself loose.   I have been spending time really attending to and nurturing my inner child. 

I also ponder back to a guy I dated in early 2020, before the pandemic. It felt similar, he rushed in, said he wanted marriage, kids etc.  Then during the 5th date did a 180 and said he couldn't date me anymore because I was too good for him.  Then we dated casually for a bit before he ended things. At the time I wasn't as invested because I had reservations myself but the swift change in direction really threw me off balance.  This time was only different because I had no reservations, but the way he texted, and was over the top enthusiastic feels similar. It did not feel entirely authentic. It was all how are you, how did you sleep, calling me gorgeous, etc., but less... organic chatting. 

I feel far more grounded now, had a proper meal and had some fun flirting on bumble.  When I am in my adult space I am fun and flirty and light, the second I get triggered I become serious and not able to really connect on the same level. Overthinking everything. Have a date lined up for Thursday. Despite texting me repeatedly yesterday the accountant has fallen off the map, which I expected and I am respecting.  I feel oddly at peace with this.  Just letting it sit.  Which in the past I never would have been able to do. While I have a few regrets about not being more authentic and vulnerable, this is a him issue.  I can contrast this to previous times that men have pulled this on me, and I agonized over it.  So then I go back to wondering like wow, how the heck did I get triggered that badly by a guy saying he wanted to be with me, and not now that he doesn't. Is that my fear of intimacy coming up? Or was there something more subconscious at play.

I also have still been chatting with the programmer because I set him up on a blind date, which seems to have gone well.  He is a very caring and sincere person. He actually asked me if I would consider going on another date with him, but I felt that would be really unfair to him. I did explain the gap in experience was a huge problem for me.  So we agreed to grab coffee as friends.  I had to give my head a solid shake that I even considered going on another date with him.  I guess it just felt nice for what felt like authentic connection. I think maybe that date wasn't ideal both of us and my showing up distracted and dysregulated probably didn't help the poor guy who seems to really struggle with attachment.  So I am glad we could connect in a low pressure, no stakes type of way. 

Every time he can see you going into your head he gives you a little affection? On the second date?

This really creeps me out no wonder you feel avoidance. Something about him interpreting you in your head and offering reassurance seems so
... enmeshed? Manipulative? It's only the second date, why is he trying to soothe you somehow? It seems the healthy thing would be to discuss discomfort and boundaries and drop it , with everyone staying in their own space and keeping it to "getting to know you", instead of reading the signs and trying to steer things to an outcome. There should be more emotional independence in this, right? Am I missing something ?

I see, it sounds like you are struggling to find authenticity in yourself due to feelings of fear and anger?