Dating stage as an FA

Yeah I booked a counselling session for Sunday. I was caught off guard with all these feelings.

Thank you. I think this is where MY ADHD and issues are coming into play. Because I thought that girl who felt an overwhelming amount of things towards someone died. And it was so amazing to have that woken back up, but also I need to temper that with I don't know this person.

So he let me know last night that he had a really rough week and he actually had to put his phone down after work and chill out for a few hours. Even though I had felt a bit anxious waiting to confirm our plans today, I really appreciated him letting me in on that, and his ability to take time to himself, even if it meant I had to wait. It felt like a green flag, someone more avoidant wouldn't bother to explain. Though someone more secure may have let me know first? I also get we don't know each other well, so what he did felt fine. He is in a fairly new role at work, so I understand the pressures that go with that. I appreciate that he is still filling up his calendar with friends and appointments. He actually had to run off after our date for a car appointment. Somehow he is more functional with appointments then I am?!?

We had brunch today, he accidentally double booked me with a gym appointment which he moved so he could keep our plans. He was late and I caught him running. But I planned for that with my own timing. I don't actually know how I overcame my own time blindness, so I really can't fault him for that. He expressed that he doesn't sleep around casually. I feel very safe with how he is progressing the physical intimacy. I feel wanted but respected. He said that this week was unusual and now he has more time to plan things. So before we ended, we setup a day trip for Monday. We exchanged I like yous and wanting to get to know each other better.

When I first sat down at brunch my brain panicked because I felt no attraction to him anymore, and then I realized no, I like him as a person, but the anxiety was gone.

I did Yoga this morning to stay regulated, and have been listening to baggage reclaim. Trying to ratchet down that anxiety, been gathering my amber flags. I know he has or is taking mood drugs. I suspect he has been or is in counselling. He went through a very messy family of origin with cheating and has a strained relationship with his father. His ADHD makes him absent minded and forgetful. He lost his wallet this week, and even his car (I've done that). He will always be chronically late. He struggles with perfectionism, amount unknown.


Edit: I think I'm actually feeling odd at the lack of over sharing it. I don't feel a need to do it with him. Conversation just flows from topic to topic and we don't go into any one thing too deep. And then I'm like .. this is good right? We shouldn't have a huge amount of depth this soon. Just basic compatibility.

Found my red flag. I reached out at 6 to confirm our plans tomorrow, then I reached out again at 10 to say I'd love to know before bed. He finally reached back out to cancel on me for work. It is funny because I had this weird gut feeling that date was too fast, and it made me feel a bit panicky... but I worked thru that. Then I didn't hear back from him, I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock, so just said okay. He sent me a longer message saying it is a weird time in his life and he really does want to get to know me. And he hopes he can see me again later in the week.

So A+ intuition, anxiety was founded in a way. Not sure 100% how I feel about this. I can't tell if he is making excuses to cover an inability to communicate a boundary, or if he is sincere that his inability to stay organized is causing him to put in extra hours. But I can tell he isn't secure, because someone secure would have told me way earlier in the day, even if they just suspected it. So I am going to take an emotional step back. I really need more consistency then someone who reschedules 3 out of 4 dates. So time to slow it down, and let him show me he can show up.

The “it’s a weird time in my life” part would make me think this is something more than ADHD going on. Hard to know exactly what though.

Yes, it's hard to know.  He was really stressed out last week because this is a new career and he is still trying to get his final accreditation. But then he got out of the probation period on Friday and things were lightening up. He made a point of telling me he would have more time for me this week.  I know his minimum work hours is much higher than mine, and he routinely works thru lunch.  I can not imagine having ADHD and trying to do that type of job, not sure I could handle it. 

Thanks alexandra I completely agree there is a way he could have handled today that would have felt a lot better then how he did. Being inconsiderate is completely separate from being ADHD. I really do question if he should be dating right now. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he really didn't see this upheaval coming, and maybe there is something else going on re mental health that he of course wouldn't share because we are so new.

What is different this time, is I know it isn't me. It's stomped all over some old wounding, but I know through my core I couldn't have showed up any differently. I am just trying to continue to act from a stable secure place, in how I relate back to this instability. I am a pretty independent person, and with most friends plans tend to be very lose. So I don't even mind that so much, but I do mind getting excited about something and then the last minute letdown. Probably why I don't tend to make specific plans with people. I do mind that his last text message didn't feel like enough, considering how many times he cancelled. Sending me a kiss emoji at the end of it felt cheap. I mind that I haven't heard from him this morning when previously he would check in every morning. I am trying to not second guess my route of going with a joke instead of seriously addressing what he said.