Dating stage as an FA

The good - Without prompting I received a proper adult apology from the accountant. That he didn't want to give me the wrong impression and he was so sorry for doing that. He said he would talk to me after my plans and we could setup a time to hang out. I don't think I have ever in my entire life received such a great apology. It looked like something out of the book on apologies I read. There was no excuses, just a solid I am working on it and will do better.

The not great - The programmer was not my speed. He has NEVER had a relationship go past 6 dates. He went on quite a bit about this. He is a pretty classic anxious / people pleaser. He was so incredibly sweet and nice and warm but he just seemed clueless and kept monitoring my reactions to everything. At one point he even asked for feedback.

The ugly - The date dragged on past it's best before. I started to lose energy about 45 minutes in and I tried to keep it up but then he tried to ask for our bill and due to computer issues or something they couldn't produce one. He was so passive about resolving it that we sat there another hour, by that time I had run out of all energy for small talk with him and THEN he chose to give me the valentines gift of a beautiful potted succulent that he bought in pink to match my hair. He then insisted he walk me to the train, and I was freezing and so done and it was so clear he was still trying so hard, and had remembered so many of the things I had said. We hugged goodnight. I did not have the heart to end things on valentines day. I think though he would be suited to one of my friends, and I may suggest they text.

The amazing - I called the accountant who even though he had already gotten changed for bed rushed out of the house to meet me at the train station near him. In fact I caught him RUNNING down the street to meet up with me. He apologized again, and we just had an effortless date. I've soused out he is a bit absent minded and loses track of time / things constantly. I was a bit scared of polyamory coming up and it did because he has experience in it as well. He was really impressed I tried it, but also understood why I didn't like it and said it also wasn't for him, he has had a similar bad experience. It was so refreshing to have someone so open minded. There was also zero pressure to progress things physically, or mention of coming back to his etc. We just chatted about everything and he was very open about his life. I tried to get his bad habits out of him, but somehow more and more alignment came out not misalignment. Leaving dishes in the sink, etc.

We setup another date for the weekend.  He said it was a great way to spend valentines day and he is looking forward to random meetups when are both working downtown. 

The scary - I keep looking for more red flags to pop up. what are the chances that I found a secure person on my first week on bumble? A secure person who is going in the same direction as me, with the same philosophies. With the same socio economic background. Who I enjoy talking to and find incredibly sexy. I really don't want to keep dating other people, I find him so refreshing, so easy. I just can't help but feel the other shoe is going to drop, it has to.

He suspects he is. So our first date he made a joke about it and I was like omg my spidey sense is correct again. I know two ADHD together can cause issues, though luckily we are both pretty self aware and we present differently. Which is normal considering the gender difference. I do worry about hyper focus on me and what happens when that fades, but he also doesn't strike me as a dopamine seeker. I'm wondering how that shift out of hyper focus went for you?

You are right, we all seek dopamine in our own ways. Social media is a slippery slope for me. But I've dated men who are extreme can't sit still, new things constantly, travel. Etc. and he isn't one of those. He works out which definitely helps with that. I did sit with the am I okay with a man losing track of time and for now, if that is his big thing then yes. There are systems to deal with that.

I thought ADHD when reading your description as well @username only time will tell how that manifests within your relationship if you carry on together, but it can make things tricky, though if there's a big desire to move through the challenges, anything is possible!

Oh my goodness @introvert - this description of your relationship with your partner hit home a lot. I am in a relationship with a man who has only just gone through the process of getting his ADHD diagnosis and trying medication etc for the first time. It's been such an eye-opening process. At times I've been wondering what the heck was going on, from impulsive break-ups, to extreme defensiveness in conflict (RSD)... at times I have wondered what I was dealing with, maybe fearful avoidant, maybe even BPD, but when I looked at it through the ADHD lens, it all made perfect sense. I've been coming to terms with it lately, it's a lot. I concur that without strong boundaries and good communication and a big desire to work through the challenges, ADHD can make some relationships so so hard and dysfunctional.

I'm glad you have found your sea legs with it, though I'm sure it's taken a lot of work on both sides. Might need to pick your brain more on this at some point!!!!!! I am not yet convinced this relationship is right for me long-term. I feel capable of accepting and handling his stuff, but he has basically been living his life two steps away from overwhelm and burn-out for a long time (being undiagnosed and untreated), and I'm not sure yet that he's got capacity for me and all the things that come with me, which ironically includes a child also with ADHD.

Username - good for you! Your experiences are all teaching you new things as you go, and it sounds like you're open to all of it. I hope it all continues to evolve in a healthy, yet exciting way.

Just tracking back to a very old comment on this thread, re your therapist saying you should be using your emotional mind more - it reminded me of the DBT tool, Wise Mind. Have you heard of it? It's about intentionally bringing together your emotional mind and your logical mind to create a wise mind... and making decisions from that place.

Hib@sunrisequest, I would be
happy to compare notes and explore the adhd dynamic with you, idk if we should move to another thread or? It does seem to be relevant here as well?

I would never encourage you to tough out something that may not be right for you, and
I have had doubts along the way (serious doubts) about the suitability of my own relationship so I empathize completely.

I can, however, share how this challenge has inspired valuable growth in me. (As opposed to driving me into avoidance, or codependency, or terminal toxicity). This isn't to imply that there hasn't been toxicity, but I can say with honesty that much has been resolved.

The thing about adhd- what I've learned- there is truly a huge difference in how a person with adhd thinks... what their reference points are, their priorities, their motivations, etc. You can see a person with adhd behaving in certain ways and think they just have these crazy symptoms like being late or disorganized or impulsive or even the bright side like creative, warm, etc etc. We view the externals without insight into what they are actually thinking so it could be easy to think, "Well the main difference is they can't keep track of time like I do, they aren't able to complete certain tasks, they become obsessed with certain activities, they are hypersensitive to criticism, they have a lot of challenges!"
But what's going on in their thought processes is truly, astoundingly different. I guess I shouldn't generalize, I should keep this to my perspective of my partner.

With him, I've realized that I truly had no clue how different his thought processes are, and what his blind spots are. I'm not just talking about the difference between men and women. I'm talking about how he misses or overlooks things in a situation that *most other people recognize immediately and without effort. He's very intelligent, he's empathetic, so it's not that he's lacking in those areas, he just truly has different thought processes.

The critical component of our success in overcoming things has been communication, which can be difficult as you know. But on my side, I have recognized the need to develop really great skills around expressing my own thought processes and internal workings. Real, calm, assertive but kind authenticity, instead of being reactive to what appears to be blatant disregard for what I need in a given situation. He's an alien. Or I am the alien. We are aliens to each other sometimes to a degree that is shocking 😆

So what I might not need to explain and elaborate on with 99% of the people I know, I do need to explain and elaborate on, with him. Nope, he's not dumb, ignorant, unsympathetic, or any of that. He's an enigma. I know him so well and not at all, until I get his take on THAT PARTICULAR THING, the thing in question. Something I hear a lot on the tail end of a conflict or misundersranding after I have communicated well out of my own center, is "I have never thought of it that way". Usually expressed with a degree of surprise and sometimes he's taken aback at not having been able to see what makes such perfect sense (to a neurotypical). What we take for granted in "well any normal person would get it" cannot be taken for granted with him.

It's been painful at times, annoying at times, endearing at times. And it will not change. What it means for me is I can and must be confident, clear, articulate, and well boundaried while not making assumptions, keeping an open mind, and being sensitive to him. So these are good skills! But dang yeah I have to have them charged and ready to use all.the.time.

😆

Yes, maybe this is good for another thread! There's a lot in this I'd love to dig into. It's given me a lot of food for thought.

Might not have chance for a day or two to write properly, but would love to talk about this more. 'It will not change' is a good summary of this dynamic. And I think this is my journey, of figuring out whether I'm okay with what he is able to offer. He gets very excited and offers the whole entire world, but can't actually follow through on this... and while I sometimes think I want the whole entire world, I have more recently come to accept that this is not necessarily realistic for me anyway. And I know that sounds defeatest and like I lack self-worth, but I don't necessarily need someone who is totally secure or someone to come and save me from my path... which is tough as a single mum of a neuro-divergent... I just want someone who is willing to stay and grow through the challenges... I'm just not sure if he has that capacity to stay.

When you're ready, start a new thread and we can chat.